I'm sitting down on the porch- smoking a cigarette, I don't know when I started smoking but now I can't get enough of it.
"Hey"
I flinch to the sound of Ayat's voice and immediately threw my cigarette away.
"Do you wanna talk?"
"Not really, no." I stare at the sky. "Counting stars?" She ask. "Viewing the moon." I sigh. "What do you like about the moon?" She sits down next to me, making herself comfortable.
"Ayat I know what you're trying to do, I'm okay, really." I avoid seeing her eye to eye.
"I'm not doing anything, I'm just asking general questions."
"Why?"
"To get to know you better."
"Trust me you don't want to do that."
"You can't be that awful." She scoffs.
"I'm not awful, I'm just—too much at times and I don't think that's a bad thing but.. I don't know." I groan hesitantly.
"I'm sometimes a headache, too." She says.
"A headache like you wouldn't be a problem to handle, sweetheart" I release a sad scoff.
"Then let me."
"I'd be an ass to let you drown in my mess."
"We've all drown together at times."
"That was different, we're adults now."
"Don't adults deserve to spill their hearts?"
"I can't spill it on you." I finally lift my face up to see her eye to eye.
"Then spill it with me." She stared deep in my eyes.
"What if you slip away?"
"What if I stay?"
A silent pause drew between us.
I don't say anything to her response. She's just being nice, she wouldn't want to actually stay with me. That's just metaphoric way of consoling someone.
"It's harmful"
"I know" I keep my head down, she's talking about me smoking, it's harmful I know, but its the only thing keeping me sane from time to time.
"I won't tell you how to live your own life but can I give you an advice?" She smiles.
"I'm listening." I lean forward, elbows on my knees.
"What you're-" Ayat's sentence gets cut in middle to the sound of the door closing, Ifan walk passed us and gets in his car.
"I'll let you know the details" He tells Ayat, through his car window.
That bitch didn't even bother to look at me!?
"You saw how he took off?" I roll my eyes.
"He's upset with you, he'll get passed that once you talk to him." Ayat puts her hand on my shoulder, her feet crossed at ankles.
"Ifan is acting crazy, why does he want to shift in a new apartment all of a sudden, we were doing so good where we are." I'm annoyed.
"Maybe only you are doing so good there." She says gently.
"No, I know him. It's just so hard to accept that one day we will go our separate ways. I don't have much to lose Ayat." I'm getting sad again.
"Have you tried talking to him?"
"I have Ayat, he was like, I don't want to do this anymore, we're earning so much." I mimic him.
"Sam, maybe earning more isn't his goal. Maybe he needs to settle in, get married. Maybe he dreams of having kids one day." She's gently making me understand.
"He told you that?" I ask, my eyebrow furrows.
"He didn't but he's my brother, I've seen how he looks at families and kids whenever we're outside."
I've never seen him do that..
Has he been hiding that from me?
"Don't you want to get married and have kids someday?" Is she asking me or does she want to know because that's what she wants?
"What does that has to do with me?" I fake laugh.
"Everyone at some point of their lives dream of having a family. Or maybe that's just some fantasy story made by people who get lucky enough to find love."
"Do you?" I ask.
"Do I what?"
"Want to start a family?"
"I'm not sure." She says. "Do you?"
"I don't know neither, I never got that deep to think about it" I say, making excuses. After how my family turned out, it's hard to say if I can be a good father.
"If you would've said yes, I might've agreed." She's looking everywhere but at me.
What—?
My heart skipped a beat,
What did she just say?
I just blink at her question.
"Anyway back to Ifan" She clears her throat.
"Share what you feel, l'm listening" she says changing the subject.
Did—did she just confessed?
I take a sigh in before saying anything. If she's changing the conversation, I shouldn't get into it either.
"I envied the love you two shared" I look down. "I mean, he's always been there for me whenever I was planning something out for us, but you two share something from birth." I sigh uncomfortably.
"But he has been near your side from the very beginning, hasn't he?" She asks.
"That is true." I grasp my head, gazing downward.
"Yeah so now when he's planning something for his life, what should you do?"
"I should support him" I look up at her, making sure to see a glimpse for confrontation.
"Of course! See, its not that hard, is it?" She smiles.
"But it's not that easy as well," I smack my lips irritately. "See the thing is, it's all happening too fast, l mean it's like a repulsive idea, overnight he decided he wants to live here and within a day he's shifting already?" Annoyance spreads across my face.
"But it's making him happy, can't you see." She says, rasing her voice slighly to make her point,
And she's most probably right but I can't stop this sensation of feeling as if I couldn't do enough to make him stay, as if I failed him—Just like how I failed my mother.
All this time I've been running for something I can bearly see, but Ifan became the light to keep me awake in the midst of the dark—and now that he's going away, slipping away, I can't feel happy even for him because it feels like everything's repeating again, collapsing out of my hands,
And I'll be left alone— once again, and all those shadows of my father's past will fall on me, again. All that fire will ignite again, but this time without Ifan by my side, how will I survive?
But if I don't get to him now, everything's going to end up ten times worse and I can't afford to be that stupid. It's either me being alone back at our mansion or losing Ifan forever—and I'd rather keep living alone all my life than to never being able to hear from him again.
So here it is,
I'm choosing you, Ifan. Over my plan, again.
"I should help him furnish his apartment!" A suddan motivation hit me.
"There you go," Ayat matched my tone. "But if that's the case, you should start running right away, he just texted me his furniture truck arrived." She tsk with her tongue.
"Oh no, no, I'll be back" I awkwardly stood up, I'll clear up whatever we felt later, I didn't give her a chance to speak, I left as quick as I could.
"Taxi taxi taxi!!" I run on the sidewalk as if my life depends on that taxi, I get in. Hurry, hurry!
I arrived at his location.
My heart is pounding,
The neighbourhood doesn't look bad, good taste buddy. I can see the furniture truck, that's Ifan right there, he's giving instructions to the man, and he looks so- dull.
Oh I'm so sorry I'm late. "Ifan!" I yell, he looks back at me and suddenly his eyes widens. "What are you doing here?" He's shocked, I walked upto him.
"How could I not come." I'm so out of breath.
"I don't know, you made it clear that you hated the idea of my apartment" He's looking down at his feet.
"Hate is a strong word, let's say I didn't like the idea of you moving away" I say.
"What changed now?"
"You talk too much" I poke his head away. "let's grab some stuff" I say,
He didn't ask anything else,
We both carry some sealed boxes that could fit in our hands, and went inside,
He presses 5th floor in the elevator.
"When did you buy all of this?" I ask.
"I didn't buy anything, these are all from my room back at home, from Mr Faisal's"
"Oh" That makes sense. "When are you going for shopping" I ask but for obvious reasons this is gut wrenching for me. I can't stand to look at him go away.
"I'll see." The elevator opens, we stepped out and walked straight to his apartment.
"This is actually not that bad" I think I'm going to puke. Why do I want to scream and tell him he's doing me wrong when he's not even at fault.
We enter into his apartment. Its—cute. Needs cleaning and furnishings but that's about it. The rest is almost done.
I drop down the boxes I was carrying.
"Oh this is cute, cool cool cool." My voice came out all squeaky.
"Are you sure you're okay Sam?" Ifan kneels down infront a box. "Why wouldn't I be, I'm fine." I'm sweating.
"Look, I'm not abandoning you" He stands up.
What? Why would he think that I think that he's abandoning me, it's not like I have abandonment issues. I laugh.
"I know, why would you say that." I fake laugh.
"I just feel like.. you're acting forced" He walks to me.
"Okay fine, I am, because I want to be supportive of your decision, but it doesn't make it surprisingly easy for me." I say, hiding myself in my hands.
"You must think I'm stupid, you think I'm a fool." Ifan stood there, looking at me.
"I don't Ifan, it just bothers me because I was so close to my—"
"To your?"
"Ugh my path" the pressure made the words burst out of me.
"And that is?" Ifan is asking way too much from me, I can't answer him. Not now.
"Yeah lets begin from there. Why did you wanted to do all of this in the first place Sam?" Ifan crosses his arm, as his body stiffens, his chin lifts up in confusion.
Oh God, is this conversation really happening, isn't it..
Looks like you can't run now Sam, tell him you've been using him, tell him you've been gaslighting him.
No- no that's not true.
"Now's not the time Ifan, don't ask me something you know I won't be able to give an answer for." My voice stiffens.
"I beg to differ Sam, I think now's the time to finally speak up about why did you actually wanted this path and not some normal way to live our lives after living in a shithole our whole lives?" He's upset I chose this career? He was in it as much as I was. Sure maybe I did it because I had my reasons behind it but I thought of him, too. He's acting ungrateful.
"Fuck you Ifan, I did everything for us, I did everything I could." I raised my voice.
I shouldn't be getting angry, he's not saying anything wrong but I feel—overlooked. As if everything I did was yet not enough.
He stood there staring.
"I've put my soul out in the underworld for you, I put myself on the line every single day for you" I don't know why this anger is piled up in me but it's coming out from both our sides.
"Why are you so angry at this question? Why are you so aggressive Sam? Are you hiding something?" He says, contempting irritation.
"No" I look away.
I am hiding something.
I am lying.
There's more to why I chose Faisal.
"Seems like it" He says "prove me wrong." He said looking straight at me.
I say nothing.
"Prove me wrong Sam." He walked closer.
I tried to walk away when he grabs my arm and pushes me back. "Fucking PROVE me wrong!?!"
"BECAUSE I SEEK revenge okay!?" I yell.
"Go on." His jaw clenched and his eyes narrowed.
"I got into this for one reason, to find out what happend to my dad and who murdered my mother!" My voice is on the edge, and my throat feels in a knot.
"Why drag me with you?" His eyes squints and his upper lip raised in disgust.
"Finding out the truth was the only reason when I first came to your house, but after we grew closer, another reason was fond to build." The knot feels tighter as I speak. "Getting you and Ayat out of there, getting you, your dream cars. I thought I was in a win win situation," I say "That working for Faisal could become a dream for all three of us!"
"Why didn't you ask us what we wanted? who are you to decide our choices?"
"What?" I'm so confused, he should be happy, I did that..
"Who are you to take our right of making a decision away from us?"
"You were there, too."
"But we didn't know what you were after!?"
"Fuck you" I say. "I did everything for fucking us and this is how you treat me?" My lips trembled, and my voice cracked.
"You were never our father. you shouldn't have wasted your life on me if that's how you feel." His eyes flashed with indignation.
"You're twisting my words Ifan, that's not what I meant, what I'm saying is—fuck" I grasp my head, fingers digging into my scalp, pacing back and forth.
"You never listened to what I had to say. It's always you, what you think, your plan, your destiny, your revenge, your urge to protect me, everything's about you, where am I in all of this? What does Ifan want, what's his interests, his plan?" His voice breaks. "Have you ever thought of that?" his eyes got welled up in tears, but he doesn't let them come out.
"I never meant to put you down- you were a sensitive boy, I loved you and I wanted to protect you just like how my mother used to be with me. I wanted that for you! because your mother died way too early!"
"Oh now it's because I was an orphan?"
"I WAS TOO!" I burst out in fury, my face reddened, and my fists tightens, struggling to hold back my cry.
"That's what I'm saying! you were just as much of child as I was. You wasted your childhood on me, I was never your responsibility to handle! I feel like such a burden on you!" He yells back.
"Our childhood was already ruined, and you're right, you weren't my responsibility but that's what I was taught to do, there was so much love in me and no one to give it to, so when you came into my life I poured it all on you and I'm sorry. If only we had met in another universe we wouldn't have had to live like that."
"That's the thing Sam, it's not that your love is or was ever a problem, it's that your urge to protect me left me nothing behind. I never learnt anything on my own, I never set my own preferences. What I needed was a punch from you maybe some criticism. That's what life's about, we learn. I only adapt." He fights back his cry. "But you were a child, you weren't suppose to know all of that, it's too much burden. I don't blame you or our childhood, having you- I was lucky as shit! You were the best thing that ever happend to me. All I'm saying is now that we've grown up. I need my space, I need to make my own decisions." He's calming down.
"You really want to live here? And start a new life?" I ask, rasing my brows.
"Yes Sam, what's so hard to understand?"
"I'm so close to my-"
"There we go again, your- whatever you're after is your path. I'll support you but that's about it."
I want to cry-
"How am I supposed to do it alone." My voice cracked.
"Just like how you have been doing it since our first mission."
"It's hard for me to live alone." I say.
Because yes, I have abandonment issues, it isn't shocking, its fucked up.
"So is living in someone's shadow. Either it's you or Faisal."
"I was only protecting you." I defend myself.
"And you did a wonderful job." He says, confronting.
"I never wanted you to grow up too fast, you should have told me when we were children, that me leading you is effecting you negatively." I say, throwing my hands because I don't know what to gesture anymore.
"It's not about negativity, it's about me being in a bubble." He says.
"You should have told me I was being nosy when I used to plan all those things all the times"
"You were the happiest when you used to tell me everything about the outer world and I loved that expression on you which is why I never stepped into your spotlight" He says.
"It was our spotlight when we finished that first mission, Faisal gave us." I say in silent fury.
"You planned it all out" He says, biting back his hurt.
"And you fit in everything I plan" I say.
"You make me fit in"
"No Ifan, you make me whole, without you I am nothing, you gave me reasons to become a good person, to live again, If it wasn't for you I'd just be surviving and not actually living." I say.
We've had so many fights but none of them were this serious.
"I have different plans for myself now" His shoulders slumped.
"Yeah and I'll support you no matter what you do or wherever you are." I say, calming down a bit.
"You sure?" He releases a down frown, as if the weight of this conversation was too heavy to bear.
"Yeah bud" I sigh exhaustedly but it lifted my energy. "I'll stand even if it's in the background, I'll cheer till the whole crowd quiets down, till everyone hears how proud I am of you. Even if it's the tiniest role of me in your future, I'll make that tiny role so much worth having. loud and visible." I pour myself on the table to make him understand how important he is to me.
"I'd like that." He sniffs "then I'll only listen to that tiny cheer." He says.
A slight laugh escapes me as I'm still sniffing.
"You better dickhead" I giggle through my hurt, the contrast between emotions creating a sense of release.
"I'm sure you will, now fuck off, I don't want you here when my date arrives, she'll think we're together." He hides his tears behind his hand as he pretends to wipe sweat off of his face.
"How rude! You don't want to be seen with me?" I place my hand on my heart dramaticly, calming him. I then continue saying. "You can't deny the fact that you're in love with me" I make a pouty face to make him laugh.
"Get out" He fake gags, and pushes me out of his apartment, we clasped each other on the back, as we caught our breath, the tension between us began to dissipate. brushing ourselves off as we looked at each other, we couldn't help but laugh at how stupid we were before.
"I guess we're even now," Ifan says, grinning. I nod, still chuckling. "Yeah, I guess we are."
"Yeah, by the way, no one's coming."
"I knew you couldn't pull a girl" I tease him.
"Shut up." He punches my arm. "Do you want to sit down?"
"Sure"
Sitting now, realising how stupid our fight was about. We ordered Chinese, though Ifan always finds it spicy, he still joins me whenever I order it.
"It feels like I'm almost there but yet so far." I say. "I'm there, I can feel it reaching me out but then again when I look for it I feel so lost."
"I understand." Ifan puts his hand on my shoulder. "But can I ask Sam? What really is going inside your head?"
"Ifan, do you remember Jawad?" I turn my face to him.
"Yeah the mansion that failed a month ago?"
"My gut says he has something to do with my Father."
"Really? Why do you think that?"
"I don't know why- I just do."
"What if the person you're looking for revenge isn't alive anymore." He smacks his lips.
I look at Ifan. "No he's very much alive- or she I'm not sexist, it can be anyone, any leader, or a whole gang for God knows better, but I can feel Jawad is one of them or at least working for them."
"What makes you think he is?"
"I saw that day, how he looked at me- as if he knew me more than what we can picture, as if he can see my father in me."
"Sam.. be careful around those people please." He says.
"I will be, don't worry." I give him a lazy smile.
"Don't think I don't feel terrible leaving you behind."
"I'm not. I know even if we're not in the same city, you'll be a call away if or when I want help, which I'll rarely need." I scoff,
I can't be the reason to pull him away from his dream life, not after the fight we had, all that pent up emotions inside us came out, I can't be that snarky Sam anymore with him.
"I'll be here, always and forever right?" He looks up at the ceiling to avoid the fact that he's tearing up.
"Is it a promise?" I ask.
"Do you wanna pinky promise me or what?" He's being sarcastic, he learnt that from me.
"Oh shut up." I flare my hand on his face.
Ting-
I get a notification from Ayat.
She must be wondering what happend.
I don't know what she meant earlier, I didn't clear it up either, but I don't see her in that light, I really don't. She's Ifan's little sister and that's it. it always was. It should be it.
"Who is it?" Ifan asks me.
"It's Ayat."
"You know she had a crush on you when we were fiveteen."
"Ayat?" My cheeks flushed,
She made it nearly pretty clear,
"That's not true, she was always so mean to me." I say. Because that's the truth, she can't like me, then or ever.
"That's how I knew." Ifan chuckles.
"That was ten years ago, she was thirteen, I can't blame her, I was charming." I sway my hair, to seize the tension.
"Yeah." He whispers. "know that it wouldn't have been okay back then just like how it wouldn't be okay today."
He's warning me-
Damn.
"Anyway." I change the subject.
"Sam." He calls me. "Just because I don't show it much doesn't mean I don't care about you.. I do." He tells me as if these words can glue the strings between us which he desperately wants to.
"Ifan I cope with things differently, I know it might seem like it's anger but it's general anger, not on you sort of anger, I would never hurt you." I feel like I should clear it.
"I can relate, I know you release your anger when you're practicing shooting or hunting."
"Yeah I do that to distract myself." I'm not proud of my coping mechanism but it is what it is.
"I also used to have an idea to cope with myself." His voice turns dull.
"I remember you once told me, you used to paint to release stress." I say.
"Yeah.." He instantly avoids eye contact.
"Why did you ever stop?" I genuinely ask. I don't know why he did.
"Since today we're speaking our hearts out to each other- maybe I should lift this burden up, who knows when we get another time like this." He forcefully made himself smile but it's pure pettiness, while fidgeting with his fingers to avoid looking me in the eyes.
"You're right, I'm here." I place my hand on his shoulder.
"I uhm.." he exhales "I had to protect myself." He's still twisting his fingers and looking down.
"You can tell me bud." I try to be gentle because he looks pale and he usually doesn't turn this pale during a conversation.
"Alright Sam." He finally looks up at me. "I'll be transparent. Because I simply can't keep it in me any longer." He says. I simply nod to show I'm listening.
"My uncle- I uhm. Harassed me for.." He clears his throat, as if a layer of pain striked it. "For my art."
Oh Fuck-
He's shivering. A look of deep concern etched on my face and all of a sudden my heart is pounding for him. My body immediately turned to him.
Instead of asking why he never told me that, I say. "Ifan.." I whisper "I'm so sorry, I didn't know, fuck how can I.. I missed it" I slam my thigh.
"It isn't your fault" He says.
But it feels like my fault. "Ifan I never knew. If I had known I would've done something-"
"Sam." He cuts me. "You are the one who did something." His voice quivers, and his quivering voice went down my spine.
"I don't get it-" my voice is weavering.
"Sam I'm not.. I'm not a coward." His voice breaks, with his head in his hands, his body started shaking and tears streamed down his face, dripping onto his lap as he struggled to catch his breath. I placed a gentle hand on his back, rubbing softly in a soothing motion.
"He told me if I quit painting he'll leave me alone" He whispers. "It was once but it still stuck to me- I.. uhm I h..had to— I had to throw my paints away.. I'm not a coward Sam." His released gagged gasps. "I'm not a coward Sam." Each gasp caused more pain, and I couldn't bear it anymore. As he spoke, I instantly wrapped my arms around him, pulling him into a tight, reassuring hug. He buries his face against my shoulder, his body wracked with sobs as he released all his pent-up emotions.
"I'm not a coward" Ifan mumbled againist my shoulder, ragging.
"You're not, you're not a coward buddy." Tears began to fell down my chin, I couldn't help but cry for him. "You're the bravest person I've ever met, you hear me? You are you bud, and what makes you that will always be more stronger than I ever can be, stronger than Victor or even Faisal. You've gone through un..unimaginable things, but you kept yourself standing and that's all that matters. I wish I knew, I really wish I had known, I wish I could've done more." I held him in my arms, letting him cry without judgment or interruption.
"I thought he'd left me alone after I stopped painting but.." he lifts his head up "In reality, when you started living with us- Hard to admit but he was hiding to not be scared of you. You were a rabel, he knew you wouldn't shut up if I ever told you, and that is why he never did it again." He says, "I know all you did was to protect me and I feel so guilty leaving you, but I..uhm I can't keep living in someone's shadow anymore.." He sniffs.
"I know, I know.. I understand buddy. You don't have to explain yourself." I rub my hand on his back to calm him down. As the minutes passed, his—our sobs gradually subsided, replaced by ragged gasps and sniffles. I continued to hold him, offering a sense of safety until he was ready to face the world again. He's brave, more than us thugs will ever be.
After the air got clear, we talked about all our childhood again.. but this time accepting it finally. This time forgiving ourselves.
"What do you want to eat first, dumplings or orange rice?" Ifan asks as he looked through the food delivery package.
"Whatever you're having." I say, inhaling a good amount of air.
"So, when is your ceremony?"
"Of me being Mr Faisal's dominant hand?" I make sure.
"Yeah."
"In about a week or so." I say. "I can't believe I got this far." Ahah in your face Victor, shithole person didn't think I'd make to this position.
Ifan's busy taking out our food from the delivery bag when Victor randomly starts calling me. Think of the devil.
"Ifan I'm sorry I have to take this urgently." I stand up.
"Your food?" He asks.
"Call your new friend in." I say, winking at him.
"I wish I could." He smacks his lips.
"Alright, keep some for me, I'll be back asap."
"No worries go ahead. More for me" He smiles.
I remember the day I first saw him.
Everyone has a start to their story. Mine began there.
Mine starts with him.
I looked at how he didn't really saw me when he said no worries. I don't take Victor's call.
"You know what, I'll take care of it later." I sit back down with him.
"It's okay, really" He says.
Nothing is more important than him.
"Oh shut up, I'm staying." I teasingly push him away. He laughs.
"Give me those dumplings!" I snatch it from him. "Sam those were for me!" He tries taking them back from me and we're fighting over dumplings. "You always do this, fuck off Sam." He frowns.
"Bro you don't even like what I order." I say.
"I like them after you order them" He crosses his arms.
"That doesn't even make sense!?"
"It does to me!" He was about to take it away from me so I immediately put one in my mouth before he could snatch it away. "You're unbelievably gross!" He laughs,
His laughter made me laugh, to the point I was about to choke, but witnessing me gagging, we both burst out laughing.