"He's been sleeping since the night he got here in that shape" I sigh hesitantly.
"At what time did you say he came at your door?" Ifan strokes his chin.
"Around 2 am" I say. "It's getting dark again, he's still asleep, aren't you worried?" I ask.
"I am, but I've also seen him this way before."
"This wounded?" I say, shockingly.
"No, in shock."
"In shock?"
"Look, I'll tell you if you promise not to mention it to him." He leans in a bit.
"I won't." I whisper.
"I'm not sure but I think he's having an episode."
"An episode?"
"Oh Ayat you have no idea." He tsk his tongue.
"Tell me."
"Sam.. he has diagnosed ptsd since the day his mother died. I don't know what happened but from what I've seen him go through- it's a psychotic episode, like a break from reality as in uhm hallucinations. Something trigging may have happened." Ifan says tensely, yet calm."Some episodes are little, they pass by quick, if he doesn't wake up till tomorrow morning, call me"
"Why- would that be bad?" I ask.
"Yes"
"Like- severe bad?" My eyes darted wildly.
"I'm afraid so" He whispers unintentionally.
"Then what are we doing standing here? We should call the doctors and inform the police-"
"No-" He clenched his jaw, stifling himself to not yell. "Ayat, no"
"Why?!" I say in a hush tone but my words are laced with intensity.
"I'll call a personal doctor, don't get involved with the police, don't even think about it."
"I don't get it, can you not see his face?"
"You know how Sam is- he must've been in a fight with someone back in town. If you involve police in this matter, he'd get busted for no reason, because that's not the first time that has happened."
"I'm worried." I say.
"So am I- I get it, you'll have to be patient with him, stay with him."
"Where are you going?"
"To find out what happend to him."
"What If I need you in an emergency tomorrow or the day after." My words tumbling in a soft, desperate rush.
"What do you want me to do then?"
"Tell me once he wakes up."
"Okay, okay If that's what you want." I try to calm myself. "He'll be okay right?" I rub my arm.
"He will be back, he always comes back." Ifan sighs,
I nod and walk into my room, and there he is, still asleep. He looks so tried and reeks of alcohol.
"Oh Sam what did you do to yourself." I say under my breath.
"What do you think must've happened to him?" A voice, I hear coming from the hall.
"I don't know Faiza, maybe a fight with someone, I guess" Ifan tells her. But my gut is telling me otherwise- Ifan is lying to us, I can sense it.
Or maybe Sam never grew out of his old habits.
Why do I keep feeling things I shouldn't. He doesn't even look at me that way. Why am I so vulnerable near him. He's so!? Ugh daring in some sort of way.
The way he talks to people is so!?! Appealing- and I uhm I can't help but find him enchanted, more than normal.
"Where.. am I?" Sam's mumbling.
"Hey, hey." I sit down on my knees, next to him near my bed side. "What happend?" His voice remains drowsy.
"You're at my house." I gently tuck his hair behind his ear. "Hmm how?" He shoves his head in the pillow.
"You came here yourself."
"I did?" He pulls his head up. "When?"
"Yesterday." I keep myself calm, should I call Ifan?
"I'm hungry" He says softly, in a monotone voice which leaves me in awe, I never realised he's such a baby when he's not acting tough. Its adorable actually. My cheeks are flushing, but that's not even it, His voice is so pleasant, he's well-spoken, gentle.
My eye roved between his eyes, his jaw. Everything about him is so captivating, Makes me want to cuddle him in and not let him go.
He makes me feel so ah, I don't know.
"What do you want to eat?" I sit up on my bed, next to him. "Green- juice" He says in a requesting manner.
"Green juice?" I chuckle "What is that?"
"The one you drank, It's uhm spinach soup sorta something." He murmurs.
"Yeah I can blend that for you." I smile, standing up,
"Ayat" He grasped my wrist as I stood up.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't trouble you.." He turns void again.
"Sam, I don't feel that way."
"I didn't know where else to go." His voice quavers.
"You did right coming here."
"I hate being vulnerable infront of you" He sits up.
"It's hard being tough all the time Sam, you don't always have to act like you've got everything fixed, its exhausting, besides you don't have to impress me, I'm already impressed." I smile. "Sam, you're the bravest person I've ever known." I sit infront of him, folding my legs.
"But Ayat- being tough and all shouldn't lead us to vulnerability and I.. I did a terrible thing." He's slouching on, his head drops down on my shoulder and I'm in no hurry to move. "It's okay." I whisper, rubbing the back of his head, he let's out a sharp, remorseful cry that breaks my heart. What did he do?
"What happened Sam? we're all worried for you."
"Who's we?" He pulls his head back.
"Me and Ifan"
"Oh" He releases a petty chuckle.
"You don't know Ayat." His hands are shivering. So I put my hand on his.
"Whatever you did, I'm sure its okay." I'm trying to be emotionally available, but it's hard to understand when I don't know what's going on.
"It's not though."
"Sam you can cry if you want to."
"I'm messed up." He turns his head left, his gaze avoids meeting my eyes.
"I had to do what I did- He was all over me, he had his blade on my neck, I couldn't move, He poured so much power on me, a..and so I became weak."
Oh my god!?
Blade?!
I ask nothing, all I do is listen.
"I was ready to die but then the vision of you and Ifan appeared, I thought of Nimra- how she'll feel such remorse when she hears her predator escaped- She deserved to hear the news of his death."
My heart began pounding,
I can't breathe-
Whose death!?
Who is nimra!?
Why was he ready to die?! From what?
What is he talking about? This can't be. My throat just twisted and I feel as if bricks stuck in my lungs.
"Or maybe, I'm just making excuses for me to feel sane." He finally looked at me.
"I stabbed him before he could." A quite tear ran down his cheek.
"Oh Sam." Tears fell down my face.
I couldn't hold it in.
This information-
This situation-
The only thing keeping me sane right now is I remember Ifan telling me- when Sam experiences episode like these, he tends to believe his nightmares are true. What if what he's saying is actually a dream, and the pain he feels is within the dream he's in at the moment. Hallucinations- delusion.
His face, his breaking voice-
All of it-
"Ayat- why are you crying?" He panickly cups my cheek with his warm hand. "I'm sorry." He says,
"Why did you bear it all alone." I sniff "Why did you bury yourself in such pain." I cried.
"I wish my parents had made decent choices for me to not be in this sorrow—" He smacks his lips. "I wish they never had left a wound so deep opened— but all they ever left behind for me was pain, and no matter how hard I try, I can never run away from my reality." He breaks. "I'm a sinner, always have been, always will be."
"You don't have to burden yourself anymore." I whisper,
"All I have is burden Ayat- burden of myself, my parent's death, Faisal's burden and.. "
"And?" I keep my voice soft.
He doesn't answer me.
"So even If I set myself free from all of this now—I still wouldn't be at peace. It's in me, within me, it's buried inside of me and I can't let it go, it's become a part of me." He's still caressing my cheek with his gentle hands. I should be the one comforting him.
"I have to finish or else I'll collapse and if I do now— I won't be able to come back from that dark ever again."
"Oh Sam."
"It's a whole place and I'm just a minor creature. Mirroring his faulty steps.
How will I accomplish it alone?" He releases my hand.
"But I shouldn't be telling you this." He gives me a regretful smacking of his lips.
"Why?"
"Why are you still here?" His swollen eyes made a hint of love in his glance inside.
"I just told you I killed somone. Aren't you afraid?"
I wish I could tell me, it's just a nightmare.
"I can never be afraid of you."
"Don't give me that bullshit please, don't feel this way."
"You're still the same Sam to me." I say but he says nothing. "Sam?" I ask again. He tilts his head up, our eyes meet. His hair is sweaty, he's shivering, I cup his cheek with my hand but he slowly turns his head back relaseing my hand. "I want to sleep again- if you don't mind." His words got caught in his throat.
"Yeah, yeah, absolutely, you should rest" I stand up, I'm so nervous that I might do something I'd regret.
He just nods and drawbacks, burying his face in the pillow. His face is all red and all I want to do is cuddle with him till all his worry leaves his body and he's his happy, fun and pretentious hardcore self again. I feel so bad that I can't do anything to make that happen, but like brother said. I should be patient, and give him his space.
I let him sleep, because we never know when the last time we'll feel peace again.
I walk to my kitchen to make him, his green juice.
Bell rang,
"Who is it?" I yell.
"It's me!" Ifan yells back. When did they left? I open the door to see Faiza with him as well.
"Where'd you both go? Anyway don't answer- I was thinking, we should prepare a dinner for Sam and surprise him when he wakes up."
"That's a good idea. Good thought kid." Ifan puts his keys and wallet on my living room table.
"We should decorate my living room, too." My house is pretty good looking. It's bigger than Ifan's apartment. Its a basic, classic house. Not too big, not too small. I have a lovely little frontyard and lovely springy neighbourhood.
I leased it like half a year ago with my paycheck as a cook in a restaurant. I've bought on installment, I pay rent for now, but one day I will buy it as my own property for sure.
For some hours, all three of us blew some balloons and made cupcakes for Sam. He loves chocolate chip cookies so I baked those as well.
I shouldn't like him.
I know I shouldn't.. because he doesn't feel the same for me.
But I can't help myself.
I really like him. It's on me, it's a risk I know, I'm willing to take, I won't let it go to east. I'll contain it in me.
The door of my room clank opens.
Sam walks out, he's drowsy, dragging his feet. "Ayat" He calls me.
"Ya'll hide, I'll walk him here." I hush Faiza and Ifan in whispers.
"Coming!" I yell for Sam to hear.
He's still in the clothes he came two nights back in, his hair is all messy and sweaty.
He's walking with a sleepy shuffle.
"Come, I'll show you something." I put my arm in his arm. He's strolling with an air of nonchalance.
Wait till he sees his surprise.
As we step inside my living room, Ifan and Faiza pops a party popper. "Surprise!" We sing in sync. "Oh-" Sam flinches and starts to smile afterwards.
Oh God- those dimples. Agh I will eat him alive, you mushy creature!
"You guys! What is all of this" It's cute how he's blushing. He rarely blushes.
"Ah I love the smell of chocolate chip cookies," Sam sits down on my couch.
"I made those!" I highlight my work proudly.
"Thankyou sweetheart." He smiled at me.
Oh boy- I'm in trouble, aren't I?
"You're a sweetheart!" I say.
"No you are!" He matches my tone.
"You are-"
"Okay we get it you both are!" Ifan rolls his eyes.
"Oh Faiza's here, too." Sam says. "I'm afraid we haven't properly met yet."
"I'm Faiza, from Ayat's brunch?"
"Yes I remember. What do you do?" Sam's acting anonymously. "I'm a Dentist" Faiza says.
"Oh wow!" I gasp in excitement. "None of us were that smart to be someone like you, now we have a smart one in our group." I say. "Ayat don't be obvious." My brother tries setting limits. Why? Aren't they close?
"She's funny, let her be." Faiza looks over at Ifan. "Yes ma'am." Ifan says.
Sam and I, look at each other with a sly smile, hiding our laughter. "We're thinking the same thing, aren't we?" I squint my eyes mockingly, looking at Sam.
"Yes madam." Sam mocks Ifan, adapting his tone.
Faiza and I laugh. She's so pretty.
"Whatever dude." Ifan looks so funny when he gets mad. I laugh at him rolling his eyes, I even pointed how funny he looked.
"Ayat" Sam holds my thumb finger, pulling it to gain my attention. "You said you made cookies." He's actually more adorable now that he's sick. And I'm so done- he looks even cuter in that deep drowsy voice,
tired-ish frownig of eyes. Acting to be at home- in peace.
For the last 24 hours, he hasn't left my mind. Not even for a single second.
The crush should've gone a long time ago- what will I do now when he leaves?
"I'll bring them."
"Let me help" Ifan walks with me to the kitchen.
"How's he been?" He keeps his voice low.
"I don't know, he just woke up."
"Did he told you something unconsciously?" Seems like he's worried of what Sam could have said.
What he told me is like a burden on my shoulder, a secret too huge to keep.
Should I tell my brother what he told me?
Or should I keep his faith in me?
Oh man-
But if what he told me isn't just a nightmare and actually reality, that could be so much worse.
"He didn't, just mumbled a few words, I couldn't catch." I smile.
"Okay."
We both walk outside with cookies and ice cream.
"Oh wow! they smell amazing!" Sam rubs his hands to show his side of excitement.
We set those plates on the table. But as soon as I put them down, Sam's moblie starts ringing.
I swear to God if it's work I'm going to be so upset.
"I'll get it" I walk to grab it before Sam could.
"Who is it?" Sam asks me.
"It's someone named Victor!" For some reason, all three of them turned stiff and pale when I mentioned Victor. Sam puts the moblie on his ear. "Yes?"
We're all quiet, looking at him. Ifan's leg starts shaking.
I notice Faiza also quite observing. There's something I can't see, or I'm not aware of..
Faiza
Ifan
Sam-
They're all hiding something- and not just from me but from each other.
They all observe each other with pin point at their noses, and they all have far more than just secrets.
They're onto each other,
And they've excluded me.
"Sorry guys I have to leave." Sam hangs up the call. "What? why?" I'm very upset right now. "I'm sorry sweetheart, its urgent. I appreciate everything you've done for me."
"What happensd." Ifan stands up. "I'll tell you later." Sam flares his hand.
"I should come with you." Ifan was about to grab his wallet when Sam smacks his lips.
"You're forgetting you left." He doesn't make eye contact with Ifan after saying that. "Yeah but-"
"It's okay, I'll handle it." Sam cuts Ifan mid sentence. "Sam the cookies." I frown- I'm so upset, he didn't even get to try them.
"Oh- baby I feel so bad, give me two in a napkin, I'll eat on my way." He has his ways of making people feel appreciated, and seen, he's always so gentle to me. No wonder why I liked him most of my childhood.
I wrap two cookies in a napkin and hand it to him while he was putting his coat on-
"Sam you have a fever." Ifan's pacing back and forth,
"It's only for an hour, don't worry. It was good seeing you Faiza, see you guys later." He clicks his tongue and waves us bye, tossing a salute.
The door behind him closes and so does my heart.
I sit down on the couch as I yawn.
"Ayat you should get some rest." Faiza smiles. "Ifan and I will clear all of this up."
"Oh thankyou" I blow a flying kiss to her. She laughs and I walk upstairs to my room, on my way, I see my room's door opened where Sam slept. The bed is still unmade, messy.
I feel so overwhelming. I hear Faiza muffling. "They seem good friends"
Yeah friends.
That's all what we'll ever be.
Will Sam visit again? Or will he disappear for three years again?
Can he hear how my heart beats for him? Because I can hear his heart beat from a mile away.
What do I do now? Pretend none of this ever happened? But it did though.. and it stuck to me. All I feel is petrifiedness. Scared if I ever be able to move on.