There's something profoundly humbling about hiding in a broom closet labeled "Area Not Intended For Players."
Mainly because the mob keeps trying to whisper plot spoilers in my ear.
"This world is not what it seems," it hisses.
I swat it away. "Yeah, neither is your shampoo. Shut up."
Patch, the obsidian cat familiar (still drinking out of his mug like caffeine is a mana type), hops onto a dusty shelf and stretches. "You know, for someone flagged as a Final Boss Candidate, you're really good at hiding."
"For someone flagged as a familiar, you're really good at being useless."
Patch raises a paw like he's about to slap me, but instead flicks his tail and opens a glowing status panel.
[Debug Log: 32 Violations Detected.][Location: Tutorial Dungeon – Instance #00000001][Inhabitants: 1 Debugged Entity, 3 Slimes, 0 Protagonists][Time Until Next Player Sync: 6 Minutes]
I frown. "Wait. You said no players spawned. Now it says six minutes?"
Patch gives me a sideways look. "The first sync failed. The second one's automated. You're about to get company."
My stomach lurches.
"Real players?"
"Beta testers."
Even worse.
I pace the tiny room, half-broken loot box still stuck to my leg like a clingy curse.
"So what do I do? Pretend I'm an NPC again?"
Patch shrugs. "You're flagged as a glitch. You technically don't exist in the current player build. So either you stay hidden and pray the testers don't break the map—"
"—Or?"
"—Or you do something incredibly stupid and lean into the bug."
I squint. "How stupid?"
[New Skill Acquired: Improvised Threat Level]Your threat level dynamically adjusts based on how dramatic you act. Crying on cue counts as a buff.
Perfect. Now I can terrify players by throwing tantrums.
I've become a horror game baby.
I exit the closet with the confidence of someone who has nothing left to lose and a mop that keeps screaming about chapter 237 spoilers.
The hallway outside is quiet. Glitched torchlight flickers against the wall. One of the bricks is labeled "Asset Missing: Texture_FaceOfRegret.png."
I look down the corridor—and freeze.
There they are.
Three players.
Their names flicker above their heads like dying lightbulbs:
[TestUser001] – A dual-wielding swordsman with the social energy of a damp sock.
[TestUser002] – A healer in robes, already typing "lmao bugged again" into global chat.
[TestUser003] – A mage with a staff shaped like a broken exclamation point. That can't be a good omen.
I step forward. The floor makes a fart noise. The players freeze.
[WARNING: Debugged Entity Detected.][Threat Level: ???][System Suggestion: Run.]
They stare at me.
I stare back.
Patch appears on my shoulder and sips loudly.
"…You're not supposed to be here," says TestUser001.
"I could say the same to you," I reply calmly.
My voice echoes down the hall with ominous reverb.
That... wasn't me.
[Passive Activated: Dramatic Acoustics – Your voice now sounds 37% more threatening.]
"…Cool," I whisper. The echo hisses "Cool…" back like a haunted kazoo.
TestUser002 panics and casts a spell called Holy Firewall. It summons... a literal firewall. That says "You Shall Not Hack."
It immediately glitches, loops, and crashes their UI.
"I'm bugged!" they shout. "I'm gonna report this boss!"
I smile.
Not because I'm confident.
Because this is the first time anyone called me a boss without laughing.
[Skill Activated: Improvised Threat Level]+10 Fear from weak-willed targets.
TestUser003's knees visibly shake.
"I-I think we triggered a secret world boss," he mutters. "We should retreat."
"I have a better idea," I say, stepping forward with as much grace as a lopsided cryptid.
I hold up the cursed rubber duck from my inventory.
It squeaks.
Thunder crashes in the background.
[Rubber Duck of Agony – Effect Triggered]All nearby targets must make a sanity roll.
"WHAT IS THAT?!" shouts the mage.
"It's... justice," I say.
[Achievement Unlocked: You Made Them Run With A Duck]You're terrifying. And also, what the hell, man.
The players flee.
Two log out.
One rage-quits so hard their avatar just collapses and ragdolls through the floor.
I stand in the silence, holding my duck, rubbery and majestic.
Patch blinks. "Well. That was a choice."
I dust myself off. "So I scared off the beta testers. What now?"
[New Notification: Player Sync Delayed][Reason: Players Refused to Log Back In.]
Patch yawns. "Congratulations. You've officially soft-locked the tutorial."
I lean against the wall, laughing quietly. It starts as a chuckle, then builds into an uncontrollable wheeze.
Not because I'm powerful.
Because I'm broken.
And in this world?
That's apparently scarier.
Then, a soft sound behind me.
"Zzzrrrkkk."
I turn.
The slime shrine has grown.
The largest of the tutorial slimes is now wearing a tiny crown made of fused mana crystals.
It gurgles reverently.
"Glub."
[Title Bestowed: Dungeon Sovereign]You now rule over all tutorial slimes.Whether you want to or not.
Patch deadpans. "Well, Your Majesty. Ready to break the plot further?"
I stare at my new loyal minions.
I have infinite bugs, a passive voice mod, and a cult of sticky jellybeans.
"Let's wreck the meta."