I was supposed to die.
That was the job: jump-scare a few rookie players, yell something dramatic like "You shall not pass!", then get cleaved in half so the tutorial felt "satisfying." A noble, disposable existence. Like a training dummy with better dialog.
Instead?
[ERROR: Scripted Death Event Failed to Execute][Emergency Protocol Activated: DEBUG ENTITY INSTALLED][Congratulations(?): Zerik has entered Developer Mode]
…That's not what was in the contract.
Name's Zerik. Or it was.I'm not really sure anymore. The tutorial dungeon's been down for 3 minutes, 27 seconds, and everything's gone sideways.
My corpse? Still breathing.My nameplate? Flickering between "Zerik the Doomed" and "NULL_REF_CLASS_OBJ."My body? Actively violating several terms of service.
I blink and sit up—groggily, like I just woke up after being patch-noted into a worse life.
[System Notice: Entity Class Modified: ??? → [Debug Instance: Zerik]][HP: Undefined. MP: Glitched. EXP: "Technically Yes."][Current Objective: Survive. (Optional: Cry.)]
Lovely.
The dungeon's a mess.
Stone walls stutter between pixels and granite. The ceiling is only half-rendered, and the torches keep whispering "kill me" in Base64. Something about the air smells like burnt toast and denial.
I drag myself upright, my bones popping like audio files from a corrupted cutscene.
And then I hear it.
A single, mocking chirp.
Sitting two feet from me, basking in a pile of debug scrolls and old loot bags, is a small obsidian cat sipping coffee from a comically oversized mug labeled "#1 Bug Report".
"Rise and shine, Boss," the cat says, not looking up. "The world's ended. Again."
I blink.
"Who... are you?"
"Call me Patch. I'm your new familiar. You accidentally spawned me by violating 43 internal code dependencies. Congrats. You're now the Final Boss."
Excuse me?
[Notice: The Final Boss Slot is Vacant.][Promoting "Zerik the Doomed" → "Final Boss Candidate."][ERROR: No other candidates available.][…You'll do.]
I stare at the glowing system window as it slowly rotates in midair like it's proud of itself.
"I was supposed to die," I mumble, mostly to myself. "I had a plan. I had five lines of dialog. Four if the player skipped the intro."
Patch rolls onto his back. "Plans are for balanced builds. You, my friend, are a disaster."
[Skill Unlocked: Accidental Authority]Your words are interpreted as absolute truth by weaker NPCs, whether you mean it or not.
Oh. Oh no.
I glance at a nearby slime. It's supposed to be my pet. Tutorial decoration. It's currently building a small shrine out of bones and mana shards. There's a sticky little banner that reads:
"All Praise the Debugged One."
Nope. I'm out.
I stumble toward the dungeon exit, still dragging a half-glitched leg. My health bar refuses to display numbers—it just shows a shrug emoji. My inventory? Completely unhinged.
[Item Acquired: Banana of Regret]A suspiciously enchanted fruit. Causes 1d4 existential crises per use.[Item Acquired: Sword of Slight Inconvenience]+1 damage, -90 social acceptance.
There's also a glowing loot box labeled "Please Do Not Open."
Naturally, I open it.
[Congratulations: You have summoned a Patch Note!][Patch 6.9.0: Zerik No Longer Immune To Narrative Consequence][New Status Effect: Mortally Uncertain]
I drop the box like it bit me. Which—side note—it did.
Footsteps echo down the corridor.
At first, I think it's a player group. Maybe I can pretend to be a minor NPC. Blend in. Escape.
Then I see it.
A floating red cube. Dripping source code. Surrounded by glowing brackets.
[GM Override Detected][Stability Enforcement Deployed][Patch Incoming.]
The cube scans me. I wave weakly.
"…Hi."
[You are in violation of narrative design. You were meant to die.][Penalty: Deletion.]
Oh, you've got to be kidding me.
I run.
Well, hobble. Heroically. If heroes tripped on their own boots and screamed internally every three seconds.
Patch clings to my shoulder. "Might wanna use that skill you unlocked!"
"What skill!?"
[Skill: Glitch Step – Temporarily phase through spatial logic.]
"…What does that even mean!?"
"Try walking into a wall and believing in your failure!"
I do.
I phase through solid stone and land in a broom closet labeled "Area Not Intended For Players."
[Achievement Unlocked: Creative Trespasser]Congratulations. You're now officially outside the plot.
I lean back, panting.
I was supposed to be dead by now. Instead, I'm... what, a half-baked Final Boss with an identity crisis and a sarcastic cat?
But if they think they can just delete me...
[New Quest: Survive Until Patch 7.0][Failure Condition: Death][Bonus Objective: Discover why the protagonist never spawned.]
…I'll play their game.
For now.
But I'm bringing the banana.