"Who knows where…"
The unlucky soul, now tossed into the sands of destiny, was rolling like a ragdoll in the middle of a monkey brawl. And not just any brawl—two mountain-sized gorillas were playing catch with him like kids throwing a squeaky toy.
"WHAT THE HELL?! Why do I feel like I've been stuffed inside a washing machine set to 'demonic possession' mode?!"
Kaito Asami, or rather what was left of his dignity, spun in the air before slamming hard into something.
"Ow! Hell! This feels exactly like getting hit by that damn truck again! Déjà freakin' vu!"
The sky rumbled. The ground trembled. And somewhere, something growled.
"Wait… what's that sound? Is that… roaring?!"
His half-conscious body stirred as he blinked open hazy eyes. That was when he saw it—a giant hand, thicker than a tree trunk, closing in.
"Wait wait wait… that's not a hand. That's a damn LANDMASS!"
The colossal fingers wrapped around him.
"It's grabbing me like—no, not like a boob! Like an ANT. Am I an insect?! Did that broken machine turn me into a reptile or bug?!"
A moment passed.
"No. No, I feel my body. Human. Two arms, two legs, one still-functioning sense of sarcasm. Yup. I'm still me."
Then the realization hit.
"This… this has to be One Piece. Only in this damn world do you find mountain-sized apes just vibing in a jungle. But WHY drop me here?! That bastard roulette really wants me dead in the tutorial stage!"
And worse, his body was already going numb.
"I can't even survive for one whole damn minute. No! I refuse to die like this. Wait… wait wait… I HAVE THAT PERK!"
His mind raced.
"Death. Yes! I have the death-trigger explosion! But… I need to use it smartly. If I revive right here, these prehistoric gorilla-chimps are gonna turn me into breakfast 2.0. I need to make this count."
A plan. A mad plan. But it was all he had.
"Use every perk. Yes. I'm a villain. A born antagonist. A genius manipulator! I should've been a criminal lawyer defending lolicons—WAIT NO! What the hell kind of cursed thought was that?! Dammit, who hijacked my inner monologue?!"
The two gorillas looked down at their little toy. It was flailing, twitching, and making incomprehensible gestures. Curious.
Then came the moment.
Kaito, barely standing, raised his trembling hand…
And flipped them the bird.
One. Single. Finger.
The sacred insult.
The gorillas paused. Blinked. Understood.
"HOW DARE THIS INSECT DISRESPECT OUR ESTEEMED MOTHER?!"
They roared, fur puffing in fury.
"I'LL SHOW HIM WHO'S SHOUTING 'YES DADDY' TONIGHT AT THE CAMPSITE!"
As they charged in together for the final squash—
BOOM.
A blinding flash. A thunderous explosion shook the island. Trees incinerated. Birds scattered. The ground cracked. And where once stood two gorillas and one sarcastic idiot…
Now there was only a 40-meter crater.
⸻
Limbo
In the void of black, a figure stirred.
"Heheheh… I'm a genius. A certified genius! Did you SEE THAT?! Take that, you damn Rat God! And you too, you slot-machine abomination! This young master is a BORN strategist!"
Kaito floated, arms behind his head, grinning like a maniac.
"Explosion + poking = perfection. Who needs actual weapons when I can just flip off prehistoric beasts and nuke 'em?"
He looked down at the physical plane and saw the crater still smoldering.
"Yep, not even a chunk of monkey meat left. Vaporized. I might just be too dangerous."
Then, the familiar chime returned.
DEATH CONFIRMED
TIME IN LIMBO: 24 HOURS REMAINING
REWARD UNLOCKED: "SACRED HEARTTHROB FOR SEA KINGS"
For the next 48 hours, all Sea Kings will become overwhelmingly attracted to you.
Reminder: Please protect your bumper.
Kaito froze.
"…I… I don't even know what to say anymore. Why do I keep getting the weirdest perks?! This isn't a cheat system—it's a fetish roulette!"
He fell to his knees (in his soul-form).
"Can't I get something normal? Like enhanced strength? A map? A sandwich even? But nooo… now I'm apparently Sea King bait. If Big Mom finds out, I'll have 47 hybrid babies by morning."
He sighed.
"What do I even do now? I don't know where I am. I don't know the timeline. And I don't have a single ability to help me survive out there once I respawn. I've already burned my only death for the month!"
Kaito took a deep breath.
"Okay. Calm. Focus. Silver lining: this body is actually in good shape. Muscles, abs… damn. Looks like that broken gacha machine had a shred of conscience after all."
⸻
Hours Later
Floating in the void, Kaito began making a plan.
✅ The Kaito Asami Survival Plan
1. Get the hell out of here
Find civilization. Any place with food, people, and no gorillas.
2. Track the timeline
Is this pre-Luffy? Post-Ace? Marineford? Find out. And fast.
3. Become stronger
Even without powers, the body is the best weapon. Train hard. No excuses.
4. Hunt for OP Devil Fruit
You never know. If Buggy got lucky with a joke fruit, maybe you will too.
5. Get laid. Build a harem. Make babies.
Optional but emotionally essential.
Kaito smirked.
"Hehehe… if what I'm thinking is possible, then I really DID get a bargain."
⸻
TO BE CONTINUED…
⸻
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