Alias of the Day:🪐 Boom "Husband of the Milky Way" Brrr Flex McCringe the Galactic Rizzy Rizlord of Interdimensional Swaggenheim
Scene opens with Boom sitting in a chapel. Alone. Confused. Dressed in a tux made of raw cosmic energy and poor decisions.
BOOM:Okay so…I clicked "Accept" on this mysterious cosmic wedding invite because I thought it was an ad for free V-Bucks.
Now apparently I'm married to an entire planet-wide hive mind named Lovetronica-7.
She/They/It just sent me a psychic message that says:
"We love you, husband."And also:"Please stop destroying parts of us accidentally with your every movement."
Boom stands up, faces camera like he's about to give the State of the Union but it's just emotional carnage.
BOOM:Before we continue…You — yeah, YOU reading this — need to explain something.
You got the nerve to say "This story needs to make sense"Meanwhile your lock screen is an anime girl with trauma and your desktop has 87 folders titled "Stuff."
BOOM:You want emotional depth?
Then go call your mom back.She's been texting "ok" with a period. That's DEFCON 1.
BOOM:You're out here judging my love life,but you've sent "u up?" texts to someone named 'Don't Text' at 2AM.
You think you want romance in this novel,but can't even make eye contact at Starbucks.
Boom's wedding officiant, a floating AI toaster priest, floats in and explodes after one handshake.
BOOM:Yeah, sorry toaster bro.Didn't mean to vaporize you.That was just a high-five of mild enthusiasm.
Boom turns back to the reader mid-ceremony.
BOOM:You've got the audacity to demand plot progression,when your own character development hasn't moved since 2017.
Bro, you still use light mode unironically.Your whole browser history is "how to be funny" and "is two packs of ramen too much?"
BOOM:You got "depression arc,""eating Cheetos at 4AM arc,"and "I'm gonna change my life next Monday arc."
Only thing you're consistent with…is skipping the gym and staying toxic in the group chat.
Boom's wedding crowd is now made of clouds, hallucinations, and 13 alien diplomats who are just here for the food.
ALIEN MINISTER:Do you take this entire planetary consciousness to be your wedded union?
BOOM:Uh, define "take."
I once hugged a cactus and the continent evaporated.
Suddenly Boom receives 87,000 psychic love messages simultaneously and falls flat on his face.
BOOM:I'm not emotionally prepared for this much affection.Someone hold me. Preferably… not someone made of magma.
📣 Final Reader Roast Segment
BOOM:Before we end this chapter —I just want to say this directly to you reading:
If you've made it this far,Congratulations!You've survived nine chapters of explosive nonsense…
…which is more commitment than you've shown to your gym membership, relationships, or brushing your teeth twice a day.
BOOM:Now go drink water.Text your mom back.And for the love of multiversal logic,STOP opening new tabs during your "focus session."
You have the attention span of a TikTok trend.
Boom turns to Lovetronica-7, now glowing bright pink.
BOOM:So uh…What's our honeymoon destination?
PLANET-WIDE VOICE:Anywhere you don't sneeze.
BOOM:Okay. So, nowhere. Got it.