After the Great Squirrel Incident, I decided to lay low for the rest of the day. No more missions, no more food stands, no more flirting with death. Just me, my kid, and the safest activity possible — feeding fish at the park.
BNPP:
Notice: Death Flag Potential reduced to 4%.
Nice. The lowest it's been in weeks.
Haruto tossed a breadcrumb into the pond. "Papa, why are those fish so fat?"
"Because unlike us," I sighed, "they don't have to dodge squirrels with throwing knives."
I sat down, feeling for once like a proper father figure and not a walking obituary.
Then, because fate enjoys kicking me in the teeth—
"Oi, old man Genin!"
I winced. That voice.
Turning my head, I saw her. Rika. A kunoichi from the village, a few years younger than me, known for her bad temper, questionable taste in men, and a habit of confessing her love to whoever bought her lunch.
Guess who once treated her to soba by accident.
BNPP:
Warning: Death Flag Potential rising.
Rika jogged over, smiling in a way that made my stomach drop. "You busy?"
"Uh… very. Ninja things. Top secret."
Haruto waved cheerfully. "We're feeding fish!"
Traitor.
Rika grinned wider. "That's so manly."
It wasn't.
I backed away slowly. "Listen, Rika. About that thing you keep saying every time you see me—"
"I love you," she blurted.
BNPP:
Death Flag Triggered.
I sighed. "There it is."
BNPP:
Suggested Action: Accept her feelings, avoid injury.
Wait — injury?
*Alternate Fate Preview available. Use now? (Y/N)
I hesitated. Did I really want to know how this played out?
"Alright. Show me."
Alternate Fate Preview:
If you reject Rika now, she will unleash a surprise Lightning Style jutsu out of embarrassment, blasting you into the koi pond. The fish will mistake you for food. You will drown while being gently nibbled to death.
I stared at the floating text.
Haruto peered over my shoulder. "Papa, is that bad?"
"Very."
BNPP:
Recommended: Pretend to reciprocate, then escape.
"Fine, fine," I muttered. I plastered on a forced smile. "Rika, I… uh… think you're… nice."
Her eyes sparkled. "You mean it?!"
BNPP:
Death Flag Probability decreased.
I gave a thumbs-up. "Totally. Listen, how about we meet for dinner… tomorrow… in Suna."
Her brow furrowed. "Wait — what? Suna's days away."
"Exactly!" I slapped her shoulder like an old drinking buddy. "Gives us both time to prepare for our future together. Right?"
BNPP:
Death Flag Probability: Neutralized.
Rika beamed. "Aww, you're so romantic!"
I was so proud of my on-the-spot genius I nearly cried.
Then she grabbed my hand. "Okay, I'll start packing!"
She bolted off before I could protest.
I sagged onto the bench.
BNPP:
Flag cleared. Well done, Host.
Haruto blinked. "Papa… you're getting married?"
I rubbed my face. "No, kid. I'm surviving."
Ding!
New Minor Death Flag Triggered.
I sat up. "Wait, what now?"
BNPP:
Source: Forgetting to pay dango lady earlier. She's still chasing you. Current proximity: 200 meters.
I looked down the street.
There she was. Dango lady. Rolling pin in hand. Murder in her eyes.
I grabbed Haruto. "Okay — time to run!"
We bolted.
Because in this world, my greatest enemy wasn't rogue ninja or dangerous missions.
It was ramen, squirrels, confession-happy kunoichi, and angry snack vendors.
And I was probably going to die from one of them tomorrow.