Morning in Konoha. Birds chirping. Sunshine pouring in through the window. My five-year-old son Haruto snoring on my chest like a leech.
And me? I was alive. Which, in my life, was starting to feel like an achievement.
Ding!
Good morning, Host! New Daily Death Flag Warning available!
There it was. Like taxes and hangovers, this system refused to leave me alone.
"Alright, let's hear it."
BNPP System:
Warning: High Death Potential during today's lunch hour.
I squinted at the floating text. "Why lunch?"
BNPP:
Suggested Action: Avoid Ichiraku Ramen at all costs.
My jaw dropped. "WHAT?! That's practically treason."
Ichiraku's was sacred ground. The one place in this world where a man could enjoy a bowl of miso pork ramen in peace.
BNPP:
Alternate Fate Preview available. Use now? (Y/N)
I debated. The preview limit reset daily, but did I really want to know?
...Screw it. "Show me."
Alternate Fate Preview:
If you eat at Ichiraku today, a mischievous band of rogue squirrels will be chasing a dumpling vendor through the street. Said vendor will trip, flinging skewers into your back. You will scream, fall forward into your ramen bowl, and drown. Your tombstone will read: 'Here lies Idiot Genin, killed by lunch.'
I blinked.
"Rogue squirrels…?"
BNPP:
Confirmed. High probability.
I rubbed my face. "…Fine. No ramen."
Just as I made my vow, Haruto stirred. "Papa, can we get ramen for lunch today?"
Ding!
Emotional Death Flag: Child Disappointment Level – Lethal.
I groaned. "Not today, buddy. Papa's got… uh… urgent ninja work."
He squinted suspiciously, like a tiny Uchiha. "You're lying."
I was, but what kind of idiot lets himself die over lunch?
BNPP:
You, apparently. Six times in past previews.
"That's fair."
To distract the kid (and myself from ramen cravings), I accepted a D-rank mission.
Mission: Help clean the Hokage monument's bird poop.
Pay: 3,000 ryo.
Threat Level: Apparently still lethal.
I arrived to find three other Genin there — an obnoxious trio of teenage loudmouths I didn't know. They stared at me.
"Whoa, you're that old Genin, right?"
I sighed. "Yeah, yeah. Save your jokes."
One of them snickered. "Man, you must suck if you're still doing D-ranks at your age."
I considered reminding them that my record for not dying was better than theirs, but eh — too much effort.
BNPP:
Warning: Death Flag Proximity Moderate. Cause: Stupid Rivalry.
Before I could ask for clarification, one of the brats tossed a wet rag at me. "Catch, old man!"
I ducked.
It missed me — and hit a passing ANBU in the face.
Dead silence.
Even Haruto, sitting nearby with his sketchpad, looked horrified.
The ANBU turned slowly toward us, mask expressionless.
I started sweating. "Uh… wasn't me?"
BNPP:
Death Flag Potential: Disembowelment via mysterious ANBU jutsu.
Then, to my eternal surprise, the ANBU sighed, wiped his face, and walked away.
BNPP:
Flag Neutralized.
I let out a breath like a deflating balloon.
Haruto grinned. "You're lucky."
"No, kid," I muttered. "I'm cursed."
Later that noon, mission done, Haruto tugged on my sleeve again. "Papa… ramen?"
I hesitated. God, I wanted it.
I could practically smell the broth from here.
BNPP:
Final Reminder: Ichiraku equals death.
I looked down at Haruto's disappointed face.
Damn it.
"Alright," I sighed. "But we're getting dango instead. Safer."
He cheered.
Ding!
Death Flag Probability: Minimal.
Progress.
We headed to a small snack stand near the river. No rogue squirrels in sight. The smell of grilled dango soothed my soul.
I sat down, ordered two skewers, and finally relaxed.
And that's when I heard it — faint, panicked squeaks.
I turned my head.
A dumpling vendor sprinting down the street, chased by a horde of angry squirrels.
BNPP:
Death Flag Probability rising.
"No no no no—"
I grabbed Haruto, tossed some ryo at the terrified dango lady, and bolted for cover behind a wall just as the vendor ran past, flinging skewers in every direction like deadly wooden missiles.
One embedded itself where my face had been a second earlier.
Haruto blinked. "Whoa."
BNPP:
Death Flag narrowly avoided.
I groaned, leaning against the wall.
"I hate this world."