It was an ordinary day. I was sitting with my phone, scrolling aimlessly, feeling frustrated with myself. My family thought I was in a terrible mood. My mother kept saying to me:
"We never understood you! What do you really want?"
Well, I'm twenty years old and I haven't achieved anything in my life. I went to a regular school and had friends until high school. After graduation, I cut ties with them—not because of anything they did, but because life was exhausting. Everyone went their separate ways, although I know they still keep in touch.
The truth is, I feel out of place everywhere. I've never felt that I truly belong anywhere or to anyone. I always think they don't need me in their lives, that I gain nothing from their company, and then I spiral into overthinking, cut people off, feel lonely, and the cycle repeats...
There was a dark side to our lives that no one ever knew. I never had my own room—I used to sleep in the guest room with my younger sisters to escape my brother's unprovoked violence. I'm the eldest daughter in a poor but dignified family. My father worked all kinds of jobs to provide us with a decent life. He was buried in debt but never let it show.
I have a younger brother with special needs—prone to violent tendencies and mood swings. My mother is constantly stressed and angry from the psychological pressure. My siblings are indifferent and don't seem to feel the weight of the home's atmosphere. And the worst part? I was sexually harassed and assaulted during my teenage years by a relative. It didn't stop until I told my mother. No one ever knew what was happening. She told me to forget about it—and I did, or at least I tried. Still, I shudder sometimes when I remember…
I always feel overwhelmed, like I'm responsible for everyone's lives. I hate being stuck in the same place. I've been eagerly waiting to get into university—I just want to escape the tension at home! That's why I turned to reading—all kinds of genres...
I graduated from high school at seventeen, but I didn't go to college due to lack of qualifications. I sank into depression for a whole year, isolating myself from everyone. During that time, I lost all my connections, gained weight, my hair fell out, bad habits developed, and my mood deteriorated...
After a year of turmoil, I decided to pull myself out of that shell. I started going to the gym and created a schedule for myself. I decided to continue my education. But life wasn't on my side—my bad habits got the better of me, and I missed the university registration deadline!
"It's okay," I told myself. "I can still do this."
And so, I started working on myself again—but I wasn't accepted into the university this time either!
"I'll try again," I thought.
I began studying for an important test that could boost my chances of getting in. And I scored high! I was so happy! I'm now eagerly waiting for registration to open.
There are only three months left!
But… why do I feel empty?
So bored…
I'm annoyed, angry, sad—and yet bored.
I love reading all kinds of books—philosophy, history, religion, geography—even online novels don't escape my eyes!
But why do I still feel this way?!
My sleep was a mess. I stayed up all night and slept after sunrise. As usual, I picked up a book, got excited to read, and stayed up all night...
But when I woke up, I wasn't in my bed.
I was on a cracked floor that looked like the creepy shack in my hometown!
I panicked.
' Ah—only half a month left until university registration opens '
That was the first thought that crossed my mind.
"What is happening?"