'Ahh…I must be asleep.'
I had to be, because I was standing in my old living room from my old life. Around me, my family moved in a peaceful bustle.
And I stood with them, smiling, laughing. Enjoying myself. As if the war, the blood, the guilt didn't exist. As if that was the dream instead.
My mother hummed her old song as she cooked.
Leaning back, I closed my eyes, bathing in the nostalgia of the tune. More relaxing than a sauna or a heartfelt hug could ever be.
'Am I homesick?' That was a funny thought. When I was Reshi, I hated that world, hated it more than anything.
And yet…now I missed it…a little.
Funny how the heart worked.
Mary was there also, her melodious laughter filling the room.
She wasn't broken here as she had been when I had met her. In this dream, she spoke to my mom as if they were old friends.
Perhaps they could've been in another life. In a life where I was still at university, my parents were still at home and Mary was still alive. With Judas of course.
My mom would've loved Judas. She was a feeder by nature, and I had yet to find someone in this new life who loved food more than Judas had.
This atmosphere…I missed it.
It was a type of quiet peace that my new world seemed to never hold for me. I half expected to see Sera here, but no.
I didn't know if that made me feel relieved or ashamed.
But why would I expect to see her in my dream? We weren't close. I barely knew her.
And yet, still she had managed to affect me.
Her death had caused fundamental change. A change I really couldn't afford right now.
She had made me see her as human.
And now?
All of them were.
Every single rebel wasn't an enemy. Not an obstacle in my way. They were lives. Whole and full, with loved ones, friends, dreams and regrets, just like my own.
And despite that, they still died just as easily.
That's what stuck with me, that's what burnt.
People…shouldn't be so easy to kill.
"This is such a nice dream" I sighed, enjoying the scene. "…but…that's all it is."
My eyes snapped open.
Armour was crumbling off me as I got up, it was a mess of broken, jagged pieces. My muscles ached, every bruise throbbed painfully.
But the most overwhelming was the smothering exhaustion, the after effects of the healing potions still clinging to my body.
"Man I'm running through armour like paper." 'I wonder if Felt's got a third set lying around.'
The barracks was alive with murmured conversation. They muted slightly as I stood up, their eyes turning towards me with an inscrutable gaze.
I ignored it, too tired to give a crap as I hobbled over to Felt. "Need a new armour" I stated simply, voice gruff and hoarse.
He turned to me, then nodded once. "I'll sort it. Meantime, Officer Mara wants to speak to you in her Office."
Sighing heavily, I turned away. 'What does that bitch want from me now?'
After a brief inspection of my body, I decided to take a shower first.
The accumulated grime on my body was almost revolting to look at. Stained blood, dirt and sweat built up from days of battle.
Washing it off felt like the closest thing to heaven I think I'd ever get in this life. Hot water during war was truly a blessing people here would never truly appreciate.
It smoothed away the tension in my body as I washed the blood off my hair and skin.
'If only the memories could disappear just as easily.'
When I emerged, changed and cleaned, I made my way straight to Mara's office.
"Enter" she called after I knocked.
She looked terrible.
Her red hair was disheveled, dark circles under her eyes, and fresh bruises decorated her face.
She looked as exhausted as I felt.
"Ahh Arthur, you're awake. Good."
I nodded, not feeling too particularly motivated to speak up.
She leaned back, dark eyes fixed on me sharply. "Why don't you tell me what happened yesterday then?"
"I have no idea what you mean" I replied stubbornly.
That was a lie.
I knew exactly what she was asking, but hell if I was going to make it easy for her. If she wanted answers, she'd have to work for it.
"Ahh, well I mean how you weren't in barracks last night. Why was that?"
I thought for a moment, deciding how much I should reveal.
On one hand, revealing everything I did would only do me good. After all, I needed to build a reputation here in order to get that scholarship.
Yet, at the same time, using Sera's death to push my goal left a bad taste in my mouth.
'Damn these childish feelings' I growled. 'If this was a couple of days ago I wouldn't have hesitated. Is this what I'm going to do for any damn sad little thing that happens. For crying out loud, I'm a soldier. This war. Toughen up.'
Yet, despite my internal muttering, the next words out my mouth were the exact opposite of reason and logic.
"I went to fight. Couldn't return in time so I hid in a crater and returned till dawn."
Officer Mara smiled slightly, raising an eyebrow. "Oh? Is that all? I heard you did a little more than that."
"I don't know what you mean" I replied, shamelessly lying with an absolutely straight face.
She leaned forward. "Well then, allow me to elaborate. I heard you witnessed the battle of Commander Vedici. I heard you took down the flying MageKnight that had killed him. I even heard that you shot up in the air like a lunatic and stabbed her out of the sky."
'So she knew.'
"If you knew, why did you ask me to tell you?" I snapped irritably.
"I wanted to see if you'd tell me the truth. It's a shame you didn't."
I scoffed at her words. "Oh because I owe loyalty to you" I spat sarcastically.
Shifting the white hair off my forehead, I pointed at the brand on my forehead.
"Don't you ever forget, we are not allies, Officer. You are nothing more than my captor. The only reason I'm fighting for you, and not against you, it's because your side managed to brand me first.
Don't forget it."
There was a sick sort of pleasure as I saw her gaze drop from my forehead, betraying some small shame.
She deserved more, I wanted to say more.
My words came out sharp and venomous. "Don't you ever think I'm beholden to you, that in any way I'm one of y-"
"You spoke to her, didn't you?" She interrupted.
My eyes widened in surprise, words dying in my throat. "Wh- I don't know what you're talking about."
She stared at me, dark eyes gleaming. "Don't try to lie to me boy. I've been a soldier long before you were able to piss straight, and I know what makes a soldier tick."
"I'm not a soldier."
"No" she agreed, leaning back again. "But you do act like one."
'Sharp bitch.' "What makes you think I spoke to her?" I asked, neither denying nor confirming.
"Gut feeling."
I stayed silent, not knowing exactly what to say.
"Look" she sighed, "I don't care if you spoke to her or not. Is she dead?"
My chest tightened. "Yeah…she's dead."
She nodded curtly. "Good. You can go then."
Not wasting any time, I quickly moved to leave.
Just before I stepped out, she spoke up again. "War's horrible, isn't it?"
"It always is" I replied, my voice barely a whisper.
The conversation with Mara left me feeling more drained. So as I walked out, immediately I sought my bed again.
Everyone else had already one to sleep.
After all, rest in war was worth more than gold.
Difference between them and me though, was that they went to sleep to recover.
I went to sleep to run away.
...
After what felt like a moment I was shaken awake by Noah. "Come on, we need to get ready."
"What time is it?" I yawned, stretching.
"Time to get ready," he replied, already walking away.
'Prick.'
Turning, I spotted a brand new set of armour and sword by my bed, no doubt courtesy of Felt.
I took the armour, strapping it on, but left the sword alone, opting for my spear instead. Even though I had only wielded it once, it felt more familiar in my hands. There was something strange about that, but for now, I wasn't planning on questioning it.
Then the call came, and before I knew it, I was back on the frontlines.
One amidst thousands that surged forward, our footsteps like rolling thunder upon the earth.
Noah ran in line with me, and even though we hadn't said anything, there was an unspoken understanding between us.
'Stick together.'
My spear wove through the chaos, a deadly extension of myself, moving in tandem with Noah's blade. Our weapons complemented each other, a synchronized dance of death.
And I felt each one.
Each and every kill.
Like a dagger piercing my soul, every strike seared into my memory.
Their final expressions?
Haunting, and forever a part of my mind.
No longer did I kill faceless soldiers. Instead I murdered men, my spear a final interruption to their families and dreams.
Dodging a wild swing, I spun the spear, slicing his legs. The soldier collapses to the floor, screaming.
He was barely a man, his chin marked only by the faintest wisps of hair. Those eyes were wide with pain and fear, complimenting his desperate cries.
One quick thrust fixed that.
'I'm sorry.'
Another lunged at me. I stepped aside, my spear flashing out and piercing his throat.
'I'm sorry.'
A third came at me, blind with rage after watching his friend die. That only made him easier to kill.
I slammed the butt of my spear into his skull, staggering him, then surged forward in a rush of thrusts.
His corpse twitched a lot before it went still.
'I'm sorry.'
'I'm sorry.'
'I'm sorry.'
The words became a mantra. An empty plea for atonement.
I lost myself in the rhythm of battle. My spear blurred in my hands, carving a path forward. Each kill stacked upon the last, a weight pressing down on my chest.
Then, a hand clamped down on my shoulder.
Instinct took over. I spun, spear thrusting backward. It was parried with ease.
"Arthur!"
Noah's voice cut through the haze, sharp and urgent. My spear lowered, shoulders burning.
Breath rattled from my throat in ragged gasps, lungs burning. Only now did I realise how tired I was, my limbs trembling with fatigue.
"Sorry," I muttered, my voice hoarse.
Noah studied me, concern etched on his face. But he didn't press. "The horn sounded. We need to fall back."
Numbly, I nodded, retreating together, our backs covered by fresh troops.
We watched the chaos unfold from behind the frontlines.
"You know Arthur, I was calling you earlier. Like fifty times." Noah frowned. "Why were you ignoring me?"
I shrugged. "Didn't hear you I guess. Got caught up in the fighting."
He didn't look convinced but thankfully, he let it go. After a moment he stood up as if to leave.
"You're gonna have to continue without me today."
"What. Why?"
"Turns out I'm not as recovered as I thought." He grimaced slightly, touching his shoulder. "Need to get back to the healing tent."
For the first time, I really looked at him. Examining him.
He was drawn, ragged. More injured than usual. His voice clipped, movements stiff.
Clearly the remnant anti—mana in his system was making the healing process more difficult.
I nodded. "Get some rest. I'll be fine."
Moments after he left, I stood too.
I could have stayed longer. Should have.
But despite the exhaustion, something pulled me back to the battle.
I needed to be out there. When I was fighting, I couldn't bear it. But staying here, watching…it was worse.
Even though I knew I was pushing myself too hard, I moved back. Punishing my body like this was going to bring consequences, but I'd deal with them as they came.
Taking up my spear, I pushed through the mind-numbing fatigue and stepped forward again, embracing the chaos like an old friend.
A whirlwind of destruction, I carved through enemy ranks, ploughing through another eternity of blood and combat.
And then, out of the corner of my eye—I saw him.
It seemed impossible that I did.
Through the carnage, the ringing steel, the thundering of boots. Through the valiant war cries, and the screams of pain, and those little soft whimpers that dying men did as they shed their final tear of regret.
Through it all…I saw one soldier. One amidst thousands.
Crawling.
His side bleeding from where he had been impaled, weapon slipping from trembling fingers as he desperately tried to drag himself to safety.
He wouldn't make it. His movements were too sluggish, it was obvious too much blood had been lost for him to make it back to safety by himself.
Despair clung to him like a funeral shroud.
And I was moving.
Moving before I even realised that my legs were moving, instinct overriding reason. I didn't check for enemies. I didn't tread carefully.
I just…ran.
Weaving through the battlefield, my mind focused on one thing-him.
Dropping to my knees besides his writhing form, peace quieted the panic, and my hands moved with precision.
It was bad.
He'd die from blood loss long before an infection could take him.
Without hesitation, I stripped off part of my armor, using my spear to tear the fabric into bandages. The soldier's weak thrashing made the job harder.
"Stay still," I ordered, my voice calm but firm.
His eyes widened. The thrashing stopped almost immediately. A bare ember of hope flickered in his gaze.
"You'll be fine. Just hold on" I called firmly.
The words felt as much for me as for him.
Securing the bandages, I tightened them as much as I could to slow the bleeding.
The sounds of battle seemed to dim, fading out.
Then I lifted his legs, elevating them above his heart. "Hold on tight."
I didn't wait for a response, I just ran.
Dragging him across the bloodstained ground, it wasn't going to be a pleasant journey. Especially for him.
Thankfully our side had gained ground, so I didn't need to fight my way through.
Refusing to take a break I pushed my body until we reached the medical tent.
Marsh had just stepped out. His jaw dropped at the sight of me. "A-Arthur? What the hell are you doing?"
"Help…him," I panted, pointing at the soldier.
Marsh's gaze flicked to the dying man.
He didn't hesitate.
Together, we lifted him into the tent. He was barely conscious now, his breathing shallow.
A healer rushed to him immediately.
I let out a heavy sigh of relief. I had done it. I had saved one person.
"Arthur, what the hell are you doing?" Marsh asked again, his voice tight.
I flashed him a tired smile. "Saving people."
"But… that's dangerous. You're unprotected."
"Yeah…"
"So why?" He implored.
I finally met his gaze. There was desperation in his voice. And I knew why, for Marsh, this was seeing the tragedy of his parents occur all over again.
But, I just couldn't not do it.
"For my soul Marsh. My soul…"
Marsh didn't say anything for a moment, his eyes examining me.
Then, after a long moment, he let out a heavy sigh, looking mature and old for once. "Bring them here, I'll do what I can to keep them alive before a healer sees to them
Smiling, I clapped Marsh on the shoulder, pulling him into a hug. "Such a good little kid you are."
"Go away" he laughed, pushing me back.
Still smiling silently, I turned back towards the battlefield.
For the first time in months, my mind was clear.
My heart, slightly lighter. Footsteps like feathers as I made my way back.
The chaos of war now taking on an entirely new tone to my ears.