When the last light has peaked its way to the horizon, I take myself to see the best view from the Academy's hill, where the vast green empty lawn has turned to pure white, and there are no beautiful horses to admire, only the quiet scenery.
Like back in the day, I followed the steps to the backyard, finding Tytas in the same order from the same person.
Are we back in full circle?
My body is shivering because of the cold, and the vibes are probably radiating far away from the cabin to me. I just guess that he might be here—that's my only guess.
Stepping my foot on the softness of the white nature does calm me a little bit. I walk through the stables, which have few horses left inside. There's no sound from them, only the calm breath. The heater also calms the coldness inside, making them cozy and resting in their nests. I slowly open the wooden door. It's a darker environment compared to the outside forest that flashes straight into my eyes. I smell the burnt candle.
Stud.
Then, I trip on the empty bottle, rolling away on the floor, and the sound stops when it hits the carpet. My eyes start to see his foot, stepping on the bottle and his brown shoes—the same shoes he wore on our last date. I slide my eyes to his face to see him clearly, as he already looks at me with the same eyes and expression but soring.
I approach him slowly while observing his reaction. He shows no impulsive behavior, so I sit down on the couch next to him, holding my black leather jacket so tight—not out of fear, but because it's too cold—colder than the stables outside.
I turn to look at him. His copper hair is more rusty. His face is clean, but it messes with the tiny spark of beard around his jaw. His shirt is unbuttoned almost halfway. Is he not cold? I smell the whiskey all over him. On the right hand, he holds his glass of burnt whisky with no ice, which has almost gone to the bottom.
"When did snow land?" He opens the conversation with sleepy eyes on the mountain view ahead outside the grand window.
"I didn't even realize that it had fallen," I say, slowly turning to the same view.
"I guess…we haven't rested…or even taken a break to look…around ourselves…" he says with low energy.
"Yeah,"
"Because my eyes are always on you," he pauses as I turn to see him, and he does, too.
I bite my lower lip out of habit and, of course, the anxiety I have pressed inside my chest right now. "How long have you been staying here?" I ask,
"You're not expecting me to be like this—" he says, glances at me, and I look at him. " Loser," he says lightly.
"You're not a loser, Tytas. I thought that…you always put together…always know how to…" I slowly stop and gaze at him as I try not to look down on him. That's the last thing I want him to feel or receive from me.
"You thought that I could walk normally and eat properly and live like nothing happened after my heart was broken?" he chuckles, takes his back away from the backrest, drinks his last liquor, and puts it down on the side table. He sighs and shifts his eyes to me again. "You thought wrong, Zia." he says, waiting for my response, "What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be with that guy?" He glides his eyes to my body, "Isn't it his? You don't own this jacket? I bet it isn't new." he says with a little smirk.
It's harder than I thought.
"Your mum," I say lightly, "she came to me this morning,"
"Right, my mum." he looks down on the dirty carpet.
"She's worried about you, Tytas—a lot." I pause while looking at the man who acts like nothing I am familiar with. He's hurt. "I am too," I say softly, and then he turns his face to me, "Your mum might be the reason, but I chose to find you…who wouldn't have guessed that I was right…you must love this place." I see his little curl, "she doesn't want you to miss your dad's celebration. It might sound selfish because it comes from me…but I really want you to be with them even if you're not fully capable…Not every person has a wonderful interaction with their own family…" I smile to him, "You have that…Tytas, even for a minute with them, it really means something."
He sighs softly, leans his back to the rest, wipes his sore eyes with his right hand, and looks at the white scene.
"When will he be back? Your dad?" he asks, and I shake my head. "Did he call you?"
"I haven't heard from him for a couple of weeks," I say,
"Zia, he's tough man. He will be alright," he says, I nod. "I'll go…" he pauses and stares at me, "if you go,"
I quickly look back at him.
"I bet my mum already invited you." he says, "we don't have to go together…only if you promise that you'll be there,"
I smile to him, "I'll go if you go." I repeat,
If his mother was involved with my mother's death, I shouldn't be here, talking with him, convincing him for Emily's sake.
If Emily was the one that made her take my mother from me. She desperated us. And I should do the same. I shouldn't be this kind. But it's Tytas; he has always been good to me, no matter how I push him away. I genuinely love him no matter our status: friend, ex-boyfriend, or stranger. This is for his sake.
Zygmunt holds my hand gently but profoundly enough to make me feel safe, loved, and comfortable. Stepping into Maride's house together as a lover, not a quiet neighbor, is quite thrilling because Meride is very special to us both. They are almost everything to me. They are my friends and brothers, mother and father. They are the warmth and family love that everybody should have. I think Zygmunt and I feel the same—the second home.
"Are you ready?" Zygmunt asks,
"Are you?" I ask,
"I'm always ready to court you," he says,
Before Zygmunt is about to announce ourselves, someone opens the door like they know that we are here.
"Hey, finally!" Irin greets excitedly and slowly loses her smile. She thought it was just me alone or didn't expect Zygmunt to hold my hand firmly together.
Thud!!
Then she shuts the door.
"Irin…" I am about to greet her back, but she shuts the door before me. I look at Zygmunt, and he's a bit more nervous than I am.
"Great start," he says.
"Why did you shut the door?" I hear Ivan's voice behind the door, and then the door is opened, showing Ivan is chewing something, "Hey!" he greets us, then his eyes shift down to our bodies that are close to each other; our hands are tight together. "Um,"
Thud!
And then he shuts the door again.
I sigh, and I am about to take my hand back, but Zygmunt grabs it immediately. He gazes at me gently. "Never," he says, "leave it to me…lean on me if you must, but please don't take away your hand, my Zia," he whispers as he begs. I'm with you no matter what."
Then, my gaze is almost running with water, and my heart is pounding. We have pressed our feelings inside ourselves for so long, at least it's me. Sooner or later, the world will know; even they never know. I want him to know that I, my heart and soul, my bones and blood, are for him. It's alive because of him.
He slowly bends down his body, wipes my little tear, and kisses it away, "I love you." he says lightly, but it vibrates my ground entirely, "always have been," he says, and glides his lips to mine,
Suddenly, the door is opened again; I quickly shift my face to the door and let Zygmunt hang there. It's Mrs. Meride. She is staring at us like she is frozen. I might say. "Hi, Can we come in?" I ask with a smile. Then, Ivan appears and takes a good look at us again. Second later, Irin appears, watching me, and then Zygmunt glares back at me,
"Are we not welcome?" Zygmunt says bluntly,
"No!!! I'm sorry, please come inside," Mrs. Meride hurriedly said something.
On the spot, Irin grabs my wrist and drags me in, "wait," I'm startled.
"Yes, yes, come in," Mrs. Meride said with a shocked face.
Zygmunt, who stands there, losing my hand for Irin. He's about to come in, but Ivan steps outside and pushes him back, "Mum, close the door." Ivan said,
"Y-yes, of course, of course, come in," she stutters. I believe she's still shocked.
"What is he doing?" I shout, and just as I was about to follow him outside, Irin stopped me.
"You say you have a surprise! I thought it would be—I don't know something in the box or something!" She shouts at me,
"I've already told you that he and I—" I say,
"I know, but seeing you, holding—" she freaks out.
"It's—Ivan! What the hell is he doing?" I'm also a bit freaked out. I notice him scolding him and pushing him outside the front yard. I'm running out to the door,
"Zia! Ivan won't do anything!" Irin says, following me from behind. "Mum, Are you alright?" Irin asks her after I pass her frozen body.
"What the fuck, man!?" Ivan shouts as he pushes him away, again and again.
"Mum—Stop him." Irin starts to get worried,
I quickly run to them, "It's okay, Zia," Zygmunt says calmly, as he gazes at me,
"Stop looking at her," Ivan says, pushing him with his elbow on the horizon against his neck. Zygmunt doesn't fall back that easily, so I am running to him. "Stay there, ZIa."
"Don't tell her what to do," Zygmunt says,
"And you have the right to do that, bro!?" Ivan groans in his deep throat, "You found this is the joke–huh? She's just a kid."
"I'm not a kid anymore, Ivan," I say, trying to be calm but not at all.
Ivan turns to me, "What did he do to you? Zia, tell me!" and shifts back to his best friend, "What the fuck did you do to her?"
"This is not a joke, and I'll tell you one more time. Don't fucking tell her what to do." Zygmunt is also about to burst his anger.
"You care about her? Then stop what you're doing,"
"No,"
"No!?"
"No, and it won't happen."
I turn to look at Mrs. Meride as she is almost here to the ground. Shit, I know What Ivan's coming from this; he's protective of me. He's been my brother, and he protects me as I am one of his family members. Then, I glance at Irin, who is a bit stunned, but she's here with me, looking at me right back. Her eyebrows are softened as her eyes, and I know she feels sorry for acting that way. I see her try to call her mum.
I turn to look at both men; Ivan is about to punch him. I run to him, but he has already punched Zygmunt's face.
"Fuck, Ivan!" Irin scolds his brother.
I hurriedly hold Zygmunt's face to look, "I'm sorry," I say,
"It's not your fault." he tries to soothe me.
"Move, Zia, it's between him and me," Ivan says in a scary voice.
Zygmunt raises his fist a bit, "I told you not to–"
"Stop," I say and stand in between them. I hold Zygmunt's hand behind my back, looking up at Ivan's furious face, "Even if you tell him to stay away from me, I'll stay away from him." I say calmly, but my eyes are almost as furious as Ivan's. "I love him," I say,
"Oh…fuck," Irin says automatically,
"Are you serious?" Ivan still doesn't believe it. He looks at Zygmunt, "Look at me, Ivan," But he doesn't want to hear me, "Fucking look at me,"
"Ohh," Irin says it again,
"I love him," I repeat, as he gazes at me, "and I want you to accept this because he's your best friend. and I see you as my brother," he softens his looks, "and I love you, all of you." and all the silence is silencer, "If you don't accept this, how can Zgymunt and I come to visit this house again? Because I'm the one who doesn't stop it," I say while I hold Zygmunt's hand so tight, and I feel another hand of his holding my waist lightly,
Then, Mrs. Meride steps down from her porch, approaches us, raises her hand, and slaps his son on the back of the head. I flinch.
"Fuck, Mum!" Ivan screams out,
"Enough!" she scolds her son. "Say you're sorry," she says. I'll still want both of them to be in our family. Say you're sorry before I let you sleep in the front yard."
Ivan sighs and turns to look at me. "I'm sorry, Zia. You know why I'm overreacting, right?" I glare at him, "I'm sorry…" he softens his voice and pulls my hand from the back that I am holding Zygmunt, making him stare at Ivan so hard, "forgive me…please," he begs,
"I'll forgive you if you promise not to do something stupid like that again," I say,
"I promise," he says, pulling me closer to him gently, "And you have to promise that you'll still be my little Zia,"
"You're so overreacting," Irin shouts from the porch,
"Shut up!" Ivan shouts back,
"Hehe," I nod, "of course, Ivan, I always will be,"
"Good," Ivan says, and holding my hand is about to take me away,
"You forget something?" I say, and he halts,
"Ivan—" his mother calls him again, "Do you want me to slap you again?"
"Yes!" irin shouts,
Ivan glares at Irin, clenching his jaw, and turns to Zygmunt, "I'm…sorry," he says, genuinely but not fully. They're ride or die, buddy. After all, I get it. I look at Zygmunt, who smirks a little and is about to approach me, "Let's get inside; I'm hungry." Ivan says and takes me himself,
Mrs. Meride watches Zygmunt and chuckles a bit. "Let's get inside. I make both of your favorites," she says, smiling. I notice the relief from Mrs. Meride. They are sure my second home.
"Get off her, bro," Irin says to her brother, pushing him away and dragging me to the dining room instead, "I'm sorry too," she whispers and puts her face on my shoulder, "Don't be mad—"
"Hmpt," I quietly make a sound, teasing her,
"Zi—ahh, I'll buy the whole ice cream trunk for you," she offers, "and—I'll do anything as you command," she pauses, "how about for the rest of this semester,"
"Hehe, deal," I say,
"You evil,"
"Yes, I am,"