# Chapter 4: The Ranking Incident
Alex woke up to the sound of his phone buzzing. He'd forgotten to turn it back on after yesterday's message spam, and now it was making up for lost time.
Buzz. Buzz. Buzz.
He rolled over and checked the screen. 2,847 unread messages. Most of them were from numbers he didn't recognize, but one caught his attention because it was from someone named "Mom."
His mom? He didn't remember giving his mom his number. He didn't remember having a mom, actually. This was probably a wrong number.
He opened the message: "Sweetie, I saw the video! So proud of you for making friends and throwing fruit! - Amy from the cafeteria"
Amy from the cafeteria had somehow gotten his number and decided she was his mom now. This was new, even for this place.
Another message from "Mom": "Made extra apple muffins for you! Come by whenever you're hungry, dear!"
Alex stared at the phone. Being adopted by the lunch lady was not on his list of things he expected to happen this week.
"You're up early," Marcus said from his bed. "It's only 6:30."
"My phone won't stop buzzing."
"Mine too. Want to know how many followers you have now?"
"No."
"Seven thousand."
"I don't even have an account."
"You have three accounts now. Someone made backup accounts in case the first one gets banned."
Alex buried his face in his pillow. "This is insane."
"There's more. Professor Stone wants to see you in his office before first period."
"Why?"
"Something about monthly assessments."
Alex sat up. "Monthly what?"
"You don't know about the monthly assessments?"
"Should I?"
Marcus looked at him like he was crazy. "It's how they rank students. Everyone gets tested on their magical abilities once a month. The rankings determine everything—class placement, scholarship eligibility, club priority, even cafeteria seating."
"There's cafeteria seating?"
"The top-ranked students get reserved tables near the windows."
Alex thought about this. "What if I don't want to be ranked?"
"It's mandatory. Everyone has to participate."
"What if I just... don't show up?"
"They'll hunt you down. Trust me, I tried to skip mine sophomore year. They found me in the library and dragged me to the testing room."
Alex groaned. "When is it?"
"Today. Third period."
"Can I get a migraine between now and then?"
"You can try, but they have healing staff on standby."
Alex got dressed and tried to sneak out for breakfast, but the crowd outside their building had grown again. This time, there were students from other buildings, and some of them were holding signs.
"FRUIT NINJA 4 PRESIDENT" was one of them.
"TEACH US THE APPLE WAY" was another.
"MARRY ME (YOU SEEM NICE)" was written in glittery pink letters.
"This is getting out of hand," Alex muttered.
"You have fans now," Marcus said. "Those girls over there have been here since 5 AM."
Alex looked at the group Marcus was pointing to. They were all wearing matching t-shirts with his face on them. Where did they even get his picture?
"How do I make them stop?"
"You could try being less mysterious and powerful."
"I'm not mysterious or powerful."
"You say that, but yesterday you solved Emma's magic problem in five minutes when three professors couldn't help her in three months."
"I told her to relax."
"Exactly. Mysterious and powerful."
They made it to the cafeteria without incident, mostly because the crowd was too busy taking pictures to actually approach them. Amy (now apparently his adopted cafeteria mom) waved enthusiastically when she saw them.
"Good morning, dear! I made your favorite!"
"I don't have a favorite."
"Apple muffins! Get it? Because of the apple thing?"
She handed him a muffin shaped like an apple. It was detailed enough to have a little leaf on top.
"This is very... artistic," Alex said.
"I used to do cake decorating before I started working here. I made a whole batch for your fan club."
"I don't have a fan club."
"The president of your fan club is right over there." Amy pointed to a girl with purple hair who was sitting at a table covered in what looked like research papers. "She's been here since 6 AM analyzing your fighting style."
Alex looked at the girl. She had 47 different colored pens spread across her table and was writing in a notebook with the intensity of someone translating ancient texts.
"What kind of analysis?"
"Trajectory studies, from what I could overhear. Something about optimal fruit aerodynamics."
"That's not a real thing."
"Tell that to her. She's got charts."
Alex ate his apple muffin (which was actually pretty good) and tried to ignore the fact that someone was studying his garbage-throwing technique like it was a martial art.
After breakfast, he tried to find a quiet place to sit before his meeting with Professor Stone. The library seemed like a good option—most students avoided it unless they absolutely had to.
He found a corner table on the third floor, in the section labeled "Theoretical Metaphysics: Advanced Graduate Studies." Nobody ever came here.