Chapter 7: The Pervert's Playbook
[Adam Yukimura POV]
Jiraiya. The Legendary Sannin. The Toad Sage. And, more importantly, the man who gave me the worst dating advice in the history of ever. He'd returned to Konoha, ostensibly for "research," but I suspected it was mostly to annoy Tsunade and occasionally provide me with terrible ideas on how to woo her.
"Adam, my boy!" Jiraiya boomed, slapping me on the back so hard I nearly coughed up a lung (which, thankfully, would just regenerate anyway). "Still pursuing our dear Tsunade, I see! Excellent! Persistence is key! Now, have you tried the 'accidental peek' strategy? Works every time!" He winked, a truly disturbing glint in his eye.
"Jiraiya, with all due respect, if I tried to 'accidentally peek' at Tsunade, I'd probably end up as a permanent crater in the Hokage's office floor," I replied, shuddering at the thought. "My current strategy of 'relentless public declarations and strategic self-destruction' seems to be working just fine, thank you very much."
"Nonsense! You need to spice things up! Women love a man of mystery! Or, you know, a man who can accidentally stumble into a hot spring at just the right moment!"
" He's trying to get me killed in a very specific, very embarrassing way. I appreciate the effort, but I'm aiming for 'heroic sacrifice,' not 'pervy peeping tom turned into a fine red mist.' "
Despite his questionable advice, Jiraiya was a good source of potential unique deaths. He was powerful, unpredictable, and prone to dramatic displays of jutsu. Perfect.
My unique death count was still climbing, but I needed more variety. Konoha had plenty of specialized ninja, and I intended to "collect" from all of them. The Ino-Shika-Cho trio was next on my list.
I found Choji Akimichi first, happily munching on a bag of chips. "Choji! My man! You always seem so… content! What's your secret? Is it the chips? It's the chips, isn't it?"
Choji, ever friendly, offered me a chip. "It's all about enjoying life, Adam-san! And good food!"
"Absolutely!" I agreed, taking a chip. "Say, I've heard about your clan's amazing techniques! The Human Bullet Tank! It sounds incredibly powerful! Could you… maybe… give me a demonstration? Just a little one? I'm curious how it feels to be… well, a human bowling pin."
Choji looked hesitant. "But… it's really powerful, Adam-san. You might get hurt."
"Nonsense!" I declared, striking a heroic pose. "I'm a connoisseur of pain, Choji! A true aficionado of blunt force trauma! Hit me with your best shot!"
He still looked unsure, but with a little more prodding and a promise of an entire bag of chips, he finally agreed. He used his Partial Expansion Jutsu, then launched himself at me. I braced myself, trying to make it look like I was trying to dodge, but "accidentally" failing.
[ YOU HAVE BEEN KILLED BY: CHOJI AKIMICHI (UNIQUE DEATH!) ][ SKILL ACQUIRED: MINOR BODY EXPANSION (Active) - The ability to slightly increase the size and mass of a specific body part. ][ DEATHS REMAINING (CHOJI AKIMICHI): 0 ]
I sat up, feeling a strange, slightly bloated sensation. My arm, which I'd used to "block" the attack, felt heavier, denser.
"Minor Body Expansion? Excellent! Now I can make my fist really big for dramatic punches! Or, you know, make my head really big for intellectual debates! The possibilities are endless!"
Next, Shikamaru Nara. The perpetually bored, genius strategist. He was usually found napping or playing shogi. I found him doing the latter, with Asuma Sarutobi.
"Shikamaru! Asuma-sensei! My favorite intellectual powerhouses!" I greeted them cheerfully. "Mind if I observe? I'm trying to learn the ways of the mind. My brain usually just thinks about what to eat next."
Shikamaru sighed, not even opening his eyes fully. "Troublesome."
"Oh, come on, Shikamaru! Don't be so lazy!" I said, poking him. "You're a genius! Your Shadow Possession Jutsu is amazing! I've always wondered, what would happen if someone accidentally, you know, walked into it? Would they start dancing? Or just fall over dramatically?"
Shikamaru's eyes snapped open. Asuma chuckled, blowing out a puff of smoke. "Don't tempt him, Adam. His shadow can be quite… persuasive."
"Oh, I'm just curious!" I insisted, and then, with a perfectly orchestrated "stumble," I managed to get caught by Shikamaru's extending shadow. I felt a strange, compelling force take over my body. My limbs moved against my will. Shikamaru, looking utterly exasperated, made me perform a series of ridiculous dance moves before finally making me "trip" over my own feet, sending me sprawling.
[ YOU HAVE BEEN KILLED BY: SHIKAMARU NARA (UNIQUE DEATH!) ][ SKILL ACQUIRED: MINOR SHADOW MANIPULATION (Active) - The ability to slightly extend and control your own shadow for minor effects. ][ DEATHS REMAINING (SHIKAMARU NARA): 0 ]
I lay there for a moment, contemplating the absurdity of my life. "Minor Shadow Manipulation? So now I can make my shadow do a little jig? Or maybe trip people from a distance? This is going to be great for pranks."
Finally, Ino Yamanaka. The feisty, flower-loving, mind-transferring ninja. I found her at the Yamanaka Flower Shop, arranging a bouquet.
"Ino! My dear! Such beautiful flowers! Are they as vibrant as your personality? Because if so, they must be blinding!" I said, laying on the charm thick.
Ino rolled her eyes. "What do you want, Adam? Another ridiculous marriage proposal for the Hokage?"
"Oh, no, no! Not today!" I said, waving my hands. "Today, I'm here for… scientific inquiry! Your Mind Transfer Jutsu! It's utterly fascinating! I've always wondered, what does it feel like to have your mind transferred? Is it like a really intense headache? Or more like a sudden, existential crisis?"
Ino looked at me suspiciously. "Why do you want to know?"
"For research purposes, of course!" I insisted. "I'm writing a highly intellectual, deeply philosophical treatise on the nature of consciousness and the temporary cessation thereof! And I need a practical demonstration! So, if you wouldn't mind, just a quick zap of your mind-transferring prowess?"
Ino, clearly annoyed, finally snapped. "Fine! If it'll get you to shut up!" She formed the hand signs, and I felt a strange, disorienting sensation as her mind tried to invade mine. It was like a sudden, overwhelming rush of someone else's thoughts, then… darkness.
[ YOU HAVE BEEN KILLED BY: INO YAMANAKA (UNIQUE DEATH!) ][ SKILL ACQUIRED: BASIC SENSORY PERCEPTION ENHANCEMENT (Passive) - A minor improvement in your ability to detect and process sensory information. ][ DEATHS REMAINING (INO YAMANAKA): 0 ]
I sat up, shaking my head. My senses felt sharper, almost painfully so. I could hear the distant chatter of villagers, the rustle of leaves, the faint scent of freshly baked bread.
"Basic Sensory Perception Enhancement? Ooh, excellent! Now I can hear Tsunade cursing my name from across the village! And probably smell her sake! This is going to be incredibly useful for my courtship!"
[ CURRENT UNIQUE DEATHS: 34 ]
I was getting there. Slowly but surely.
My next target was Jiraiya himself. He was currently "researching" at a local hot spring. I knew this was a dangerous game, but a Sannin's skill was worth the risk.
"Jiraiya-sensei! My favorite pervert!" I called out, finding him peeking over a fence. "Still gathering 'material' for your books, I see! Truly dedicated!"
Jiraiya jumped, nearly falling over. "Adam! What are you doing here?! This is highly sensitive research!"
"Oh, I'm just here for a quick dip!" I said, feigning nonchalance. "But speaking of quick dips, your Summoning Jutsu! It's so impressive! The way Gamabunta just appears! It's truly a spectacle! I've always wondered, what does it feel like to be in the immediate vicinity when a giant toad suddenly materializes? Is it like a sudden gust of wind? Or more like a minor earthquake?"
Jiraiya looked at me, a suspicious glint in his eye. "Why do you ask?"
"For research, of course!" I insisted. "I'm thinking of writing a book! 'The Art of the Accidental Proximity to Giant Summoned Creatures: A Memoir.' It'll be a bestseller!"
Jiraiya, clearly amused by my audacity, decided to humor me. "Alright, kid. Stand back. And try not to get flattened."
He slammed his hand down, performing the hand signs. I braced myself, trying to look terrified, but secretly anticipating the sweet release of death and a new skill. The ground trembled. A massive cloud of smoke erupted, and then, with a mighty THUD, Gamabunta materialized. The sheer force of the summoning, the wind pressure, the sudden displacement of air, was immense. I was tossed like a rag doll.
[ YOU HAVE BEEN KILLED BY: JIRAIYA (UNIQUE DEATH!) ][ SKILL ACQUIRED: BASIC SUMMONING CONTRACT PRINCIPLES (Passive) - A rudimentary understanding of the mechanics behind summoning contracts and chakra signatures. ][ DEATHS REMAINING (JIRAIYA): 0 ]
I landed with a soft thud, surprisingly unhurt. "Basic Summoning Contract Principles? Excellent! Now I can probably, maybe, perhaps, sign a contract with a very small, very confused squirrel! This is going to be great for parties!"
Jiraiya, seeing me perfectly fine, just shook his head, a wide grin on his face. "You're a strange one, Adam. A very strange one. But I like your spirit!"
"Thanks, Jiraiya-sensei! You're not so bad yourself! Though, maybe lay off the peeking. It's really not a good look."
My final target for this round was a weapon's expert. I found him in a small, cluttered shop, tinkering with some explosive tags.
"Sir! My good man!" I said, stepping into the shop, trying to look fascinated. "What incredible craftsmanship! These… explosive things! They look so… volatile! And potentially deadly! How do they even work?"
The expert, a gruff old man with soot on his face, grunted. "Careful, kid. These ain't toys."
"Oh, I know, I know!" I said, leaning closer. "But the sheer power! It's mesmerizing! If one were to, say, accidentally drop one, would it create a big boom? Or just a little pop?" I then, with practiced clumsiness, "accidentally" knocked a small, unstable-looking explosive tag off his workbench.
The expert yelled, "No, you idiot!" but it was too late. The tag hit the floor, and with a surprisingly loud CRACK, it detonated.
[ YOU HAVE BEEN KILLED BY: WEAPONS EXPERT (UNIQUE DEATH!) ][ SKILL ACQUIRED: SLIGHT EXPLOSIVE RELEASE AFFINITY (Passive) - A very minor resonance with explosive chakra, leading to slightly increased resistance to concussive force. ][ DEATHS REMAINING (WEAPONS EXPERT): 0 ]
I sat up, coughing a little from the smoke. My clothes were a bit singed, but otherwise, I was fine. "Slight Explosive Release Affinity? Ooh, excellent! Now I can probably, maybe, perhaps, survive a small firecracker without flinching! This is going to be great for my next birthday party!"
[ CURRENT UNIQUE DEATHS: 36 ]
I was getting closer. The upgrade was within reach. My wealth was still substantial, and my collection of unique, if sometimes bizarre, skills was growing. Tsunade's exasperation with me was legendary, but I could feel a shift. A subtle, almost imperceptible softening. She still punched me, but sometimes, just sometimes, there was a tiny, almost imperceptible sigh before the fist connected.
" She's totally in love. She just doesn't know it yet. Or she's in denial. Either way, I'm making progress. "
Life in Konoha was a constant, hilarious dance of annoyance and strategic self-destruction. And I wouldn't have it any other way.