You know every days feels the same.
I feel jailed by this sentiment that I can not have my liberty, do what I want because it's impossible to have real power in this world.
All the rules created to have a good society make it impossible for someone like me to have a real good life.
To be honest, by most standards I have a good life, my relationship is going well, my student life has some good moments, not an incredible life but it's okay.
This sometimes makes me think if there is something wrong with me...
Is it not normal I want to be in control?
Is it not normal I want to have anything that I want?
Maybe I am crazy but this type of thinking makes me wish to live in another world...
Without needing to think about how I will affect all the people that lived with me all my life, without needing to think that I need to be a normal person...
Today it's my first day in the Gaokao Academy Young, the best school in my city, and I need to be there in 10 minutes. The problem is that my house is 20 minutes away and I do not want to get out of my bed...
My phone is ringing, it's my girlfriend, she knows how I am and that probably I am still in my bed.
She says that I need to go and I know that it's true but this sentiment just tells me not to.
Will this really be my life?
Go to school, university, get maybe a good job, get some money and one day die?
Is this tedious life what I really need to expect?
Just it?
I need to grow, this world needs to decay, I need to become who I was made to be...
If not, I think it will be better to die now.
But for today I can only get up and go out.
I get in the school and since it's my first day nobody has seen a problem with me getting too late.
I see Alex, my girlfriend, she complains that I cannot be like that, I just agree and we have a small talk.
The class gets started after the introduction of the school and we get apart.
And my mind returns to think about it...
It is not that I want to be overpowered.
It is not that I want to be a leader.
I just want to have the liberty to want it...
The class is over.
Again the same routine, I need to go train, I need to go to the gym...
I go to the bench, I put some weights and start my bench press.
I do my first rep.
I feel my arms contracting.
I push and this sentiment goes out for a moment...
Again I repeat the movement and feel my body becoming warmer...
The second rep is gone.
The gym, even being routine, is the only moment in my day that I do not feel this boredom.
More 6 reps and the bench press is over.
3 I feel the sweat on my forehead.
4 I feel my arms shaking.
5 Just tried my best but I cannot, maybe I have exaggerated.
5 try again.
5 try again.
My arms start collapsing, I feel the weights pushing my neck.
Maybe all my wishes will become reality, what I wished not to live I will really not.
For a moment I stop putting my strength, I accept my finish, had been a good life but would not be a good future, I will die young but I will die being who I wanted.
I accept it, close my eyes, my arms just go down and my mind just becomes a simple nowhere without anything to think.
I feel the air escaping me, my body starts rejecting it, the mechanism of escape or fight starts, I just try, but it's too late, I cannot, I try to push, but it just looks like trying to push the ground, I can't, I can't...
In this moment I feel the weight becoming lighter, I see someone taking it from me, my body starts getting all the air that was lacking, my hand goes directly to my neck, I feel it warmer, I look in the mirror and it's completely bruised.
Someone asks if I am okay, I do not say the truth and say that I am, I just get out without speaking more with anyone, they try, but I do not give a chance.
I will go to my home.
I do not feel good, my body is wrecking, my mind is agitated, looks like I had drunk 5 energy drinks.
In this moment I see a light becoming closer when I was passing on the street.
In my mind I just think: "God please repeat the cliché and give me another chance in a different world, a world where I can be who I was made to be".
And tum... I feel a strong pain passing through all my body, all the sound that I was listening before just goes out, in my mouth the taste of iron just comes, probably it's my blood.
Sometime later, I do not know how much, I listen to the sound of sirens, probably my ambulance, some people speak with me, I do not know what, and everything looks finished, there is no more sound, taste, pain, I do not feel anything anymore.
Just a screen appears and on it was scripted: "Do you really want to live the life you always wished for? Y/N?"
You all guys now what I selected, there was no way I could click anything other than YES.