I was suddenly in a broad field of golden grass which seemed awfully familiar, and therefore set my nerves on edge. It was ridiculous that such an attractively idyllic location could unnerve me so. Especially when a visit to the Palpatine-era Chancellor's Suite had done no more than quicken my pulse and cause a momentary spike of alarm. Nothing was threatening me, and there was nothing in view to suggest anything sinister was going on. Simply irregular patches of grass grown dry and golden about half a meter high at most. Stalks of it swaying in the soft breezes coming along every so long amid the occasional clusters of varied wildflowers. The sun was bright, but the warmth on my head, face and shoulders was very mild. Like one of the warmer early spring days on any reasonably temperate world.
Maybe it was the fact so much of my current surroundings were relatively uniform, or at least repeated variations on a highly similar theme. Whatever the case, it took me several seconds to notice even dried grass should be more vibrant-seeming than this stuff, and that the sunlight wasn't so much gentle as a fraction of it's usual intensity for providing this much visibility. Looking up at the sun, then at the nearest bits of my surroundings confirmed my new impression. Everything was much more faded and washed out than it should be. It was just difficult to notice as much, because wan and washed out when compared to what? Me?
"What were you expecting? You intrude upon what remains of one of the happiest days of my life. Wearing his face, but with nothing of him in blue eyes I know better than the brown eyes I've seen in the mirror all my life. What did you truly expect you'd find, here of all places?" A woman's voice chided me. There was emotion in the compelling voice prompting me to spin and bring the speaker into view, but the tiredness overlaying that emotion diffused it. Rather causing Padme Amidala's normally appealing self to seem as washed out and thinned as this place.
Seeing me looking at her, and noticing I was as yet at a loss for words, she cocked her head slightly and seemed to study me in turn. Some inner fire which had been mitigating the fading to some degree seemed to be going out the longer she watched me, and I had the sense it hurt her to look at me, yet she couldn't stop herself.
"You are one of the most immediate beneficiaries of my presence in this galaxy, Senator. There was no future where your beloved didn't end up doing worse than I have. I may not be anywhere close to perfect, but it's going to take more than a basic attachment-crisis to cause me to go over to the Sith" I replied in a quiet, considerate tone. It disturbed me profoundly, how much the sadness in her deep brown eyes tugged at my emotions. Making me want to do something to lessen it. I'd avoided this woman like she had the Candorian plague, because it wasn't simply a specific personality in this body which was incredibly attracted to her. The night of the ball in Theed, after Dark Woman and I had captured Dr. Vindi, I'd run into Padme and found myself in need of a cold shower, plus hours of meditation to distance myself from the idea of Being Stupid in a Galactic Way.
"Let me guess: You want to defeat the Sith, reform the Jedi Order, then bring a new and lasting peace to the galaxy. Not for the sake of the quadrillions. For the people you've come to love" Padme replied lightly, her mood suddenly shifting. The arch look she was giving me more distracting than I was comfortable with.
"I thought you were just condemning me for stealing your beloved's life? I get a lot of that, you know" I protested with a bit more emotion than I'd intended. The sudden shift in this very beautiful woman's demeanor had thrown me in a way it had been a long time since I'd last dealt with. Now, I took a couple of steps back as I fought to regain my status as a detached observer.
"Maybe I was too blinded by the memory of what I'd lost to see how very much like him you really are. If your motivations are so similar, perhaps this isn't a matter of usurpation. You're the most powerful mortal Force-sensitive ever, after all. This persona which seems to have replaced my Anakin might simply be the way you regained control over a life where you had no control. My Anakin, but as seen from a slightly different angle in a series of mirrors. One possessing more information, more borrowed lived experience, so therefore greater patience and emotional maturity" Padme theorized quietly. A little smile like a girl with a secret on her face, as one finger toyed with a loose strand of hair which had escaped her swept back bun.
I took another step back as her words roused doubts inadvertently fed some time ago by my Master. When I'd finally told Dark Woman my consciousness originated "Somewhere the Force was considered imaginary, and where there had never been Force-sensitives" she'd asked a question as reasonable as it was troubling.
"If your personality comes from beyond the reach of the Force, then how could the Force be responsible for bringing you here?"
I still didn't have a good answer to that question, but I knew one thing. My ignorance concerning some of the Force's deepest mysteries didn't make me some artificial veneer stretched thin over Anakin-I-Fucked-the-Galaxy-Over-Skywalker. Memories of my first life might be getting a little dim and a lot fuzzier by this point, but I still had a great many of them.
"Your brow furrows exactly the way it always has when you're troubled by something you don't see any answer for. In fact, the longer I watch you, the more I see of my beloved" Padme remarked evenly. Her voice having grown a little husky in that "I'm an intelligent, driven woman, but my passions are running away with me" manner that came across with such emotional impact from her.
I started to open my mouth to refute everything she was saying, when the incisive mind which had ruled a planet cut across me.
"Besides, you're being awfully capricious concerning which era of this galaxy you consider worthy of protection. For all those midi-chlorians, you're still mortal. If you don't accept my love, then there will never be a Skywalker or Solo dynasty. What's the point of destroying Darth Sidious, his new apprentice, Maul, Ventress, and all the other recently freed Dark Siders? The Lost Tribe of the Sith, or Darth Krayt's One Sith will just eternally oppress the galaxy for lack of Skywalkers and Solos to rise up against them."
I took several more steps back. Not wanting to admit she had a point, because doing so was going in the wrong direction so far as resisting her went.
Now, Padme's voice turned downright seductive. "You've gained so much perspective and experience, Anakin. You know exactly how things went wrong before. Tell me you don't want what Tutso and Bultar have. Tell me you don't want someone who will be on your side no matter what. Someone who will be all yours, only yours. That's one thing you've never had, the love and support of a woman like me."
Her words painted a picture as alluring as it was terrifying. I knew I wasn't some inexhaustible wellspring of inner strength and moral resolve. I'd just recently been working through a serious, blazing anger related to a possible threat to a "mere" best friend.
Padme interrupted my musing by advancing on me with a smile equal parts hope and vulnerability as she sensed me wavering. I took another step backward, but it wasn't as long as my other retreating steps, and even I could tell it was half-hearted.
"Yoda and the rest of the Jedi have already removed Palpatine from a position where he could whisper in your ear like some devil from the netherworld of the Force. Besides, you aren't so young and inexperienced you'd set us up for failure by trying to keep our relationship a secret. The Jedi Order swallowed eight public marriages from Thracia Cho Leem, and she was a bigamist besides! They certainly aren't going to expel the Chosen One for one violation of the Jedi Code. Not so long as we refrain from trysting in the Room of a Thousand Fountains. No one's going to try and use my possible death as a means of turning you to the Dark Side. Why are you fighting so hard against being happy? Is the knowledge you've done your duty going to be a comfort when you're old, worn, and alone?" Her pleas were soft entreaties, because I'd stopped backing up.
Padme had drawn so close now, I could smell the scent of her hair. I'd always thought her devastatingly attractive, and the thought of what awaited Jedi when they were too old for active service anymore had always seemed a grim thing. Poor reward for a lifetime of service, indeed.
Why was I fighting her this hard? Wasn't I going to try and break the no-attachments rule over my knee anyways? Images of the kind of life Padme was describing played through my mind with all the vividness of something I was seeing or even taking a visceral part in. Strangling my hesitation, and fanning the flames of the ache I felt whenever I looked at two of my closest friends.
A memory came to me of a voice. Dim and doubtful, it plucked at the sleeves of my attention because it was my own. The sound of it causing me to hold up a hand and prevent Padme from coming any closer. She frowned, but stopped and looked at me with a look of hurt she was obviously trying to hide flitting across her face there and gone.
"I think it would be easy for me to grow arrogant and prideful, Master. I just want to remember the gifts the Force has given me should be enough for anyone!" They were words I'd spoken on Tynna. At the time, my Master had made me see that I'd made of these words a rationale for self-effacing behavior which left no room for taking pride or satisfaction in any of my achievements.
Now, they stood as a stark warning against everything I was entertaining. Poorly considered to the point of being reckless, this was everything I'd criticized my predecessor for. Dressed up in a more reasonable sounding justification reliant on the premise that my meta-knowledge automatically made me capable of handling pitfalls he had been undone by. It was an unconscionable risk to take. Especially with someone I knew hadn't been the least little bit willing to call "me" out on my worsening mental/emotional state.
"No. I'm sorry, but the path your beloved walked is not mine. You make a fair point about the future's need for the Skywalker and Solo dynasties, but committing to a life-path I know to be fraught with terrible danger, and on the spur of the moment no less? That's madness, and, regretfully, nothing I can take any part in" I told this lovely young woman with all the determination I could scrape together. A huge part of me was screaming recriminations at the rest of me inside my head. I couldn't deny I felt like a fool in some ways for refusing Padme, but I'd made my choice and intended to stick to it.
Padme made as if to move closer despite my words, but I went over her head in one great bound and landed like a cat on the opposite side of the clearing perhaps twelve or thirteen meters away. She turned in my direction with one hand outstretched, and a pleading heartbroken look of anguish twisting her lovely features. The look on her face twisted a knife in my chest. In both of my lives I remained a man who hurt for hurting a woman. It might be anachronistic nonsense to some, but I'd been raised the first time around to believe causing a woman undue pain to be one of the worst offenses a man could be guilty of. Seeing Padme's devastation was intolerable enough I bowed my head, but nevertheless shook it firmly as I did so and held up a hand with my palm up to forestall and go on refusing her.
The throaty, almost manic laugh in an entirely different feminine register caused my head to snap upward. On the opposite side of the clearing stood a pale blonde woman a little taller than Padme. One with considerably more lean muscle in the arms exposed by her sleeveless red shirt, and the carriage of one trained to use their body as a weapon. Harlequin-like tattoos ran upward and down past sulfurous yellow eyes marking her as a Dark Sider, but she posture was relaxed as she continued observing me. A pouting expression on her admittedly beautiful face making her seem like this was all just a round she'd lost in a grand game.
I knew her at once, of course. Feeling sickened by being taken in during one of Darth Zannah's twisted games.
"Funny you should mention madness, Maybe-Vader-Someday-Later. I so very nearly had you. Mind telling me what vagary of the Force allowed you to escape my grasp at the last moment?" Zannah drawled with all the confidence of a Dark Lady who'd ended more men with feminine wiles than she ever had with the Dark Side or a lightsaber.
Packing away a dying dream without allowing anything to show on my face, I quietly replied "Just some good advice I was smart enough to take."
Nodding as if this made perfect sense, Darth Zannah eyed the red cracks forming in our immediate surroundings, sighed dramatically, then tossed off a mock-salute and a jaunty wave.
"See you on your darkest day, Skywalker" The echo of the Sith's voice followed me, as I once more tumbled into endless night.
------------
I dropped into a crouch as my feet touched down. Hand coming to rest on my lightsaber, and the hope that something would be stupid enough to give me a reason to start cutting kindled in my heart. Zannah had wounded me, because she'd come at me by way of a weakness I couldn't eliminate. I was man enough to admit her deception had cut me deeply. It simply didn't make it hurt any less.
The room resolved into the center of the Room of a Thousand Fountains. It's great waterfall a muted roar as it fell into a pool feeding several river-like channels which wound round the central stone platform I stood upon and between the many rows of exotic plants and flowers planted in eye-pleasing configurations. All of it framed the many different kinds of fountains about the platform's perimeter beneath a ceiling disguised by holograms to look like the sky. A masterful mixture of the crafted and the natural, the room's heart was one of the most peaceful and spiritually refreshing locations I had ever encountered.
For a change, I spotted a shimmering disturbance in the air low to the ground before one of the benches around the edge of the circular platform. It was very much like a heat-distortion, but only lasted for two or three seconds. When it was gone, Ferus Olin stood directly in front of the bench. His arms were folded across his chest, and his dark brown eyes were fixed on me. A look equal parts disapproval and disdain twisting coldly handsome features many stone-cutters would be happy to take responsibility for creating. The gold-streaked dark brown hair which was his most visually distinctive trait the only thing which differed from the last time we'd met. It had grown out fully, so he now looked every inch the holo-novel depiction of a Jedi Knight.
Ferus's mere presence was enough to stoke my anger in the wake of Zannah's emotional manipulations. He didn't need to say a word. His existence was to me a representation of every negative I'd experienced as part of the Jedi Order. The fact that he was also the protege of the very High Council member who wanted me expelled from the Order just made things worse. Finally, the tall and perfectly proportioned Jedi Knight embodied all the inertia and resistance to change I would have to overcome to bring real reform to the Order. Never had a more by-the-book, follow the rules to the detriment of mission goals intended to accomplish good Jedi ever existed. Which only made his popularity throughout the Jedi ranks, and his reputation as an effective Jedi Guardian even more of a mystery to me.
It was surprisingly difficult to rein my anger in. I was forced to work my way through a centering exercise. All the while minding my breathing and keeping it even as I reclaimed the larger part of my emotional equilibrium. Pain and frustration still lurked in the deeper recesses of my being, but the mere sight of Olin wasn't goading me to do something rash anymore.
Ferus tried to upset my regained balance immediately. Judgmentally clucking his tongue, as he looked me up and down, shook his head slowly, then dismissively observed "Anakin Skywalker, improve the Jedi Order? What could a self-righteous outsider lacking any respect for the Order's ways possibly hope to contribute?"
"A methodology which uses facts, statistics, and the scientific method to determine if a proscription, policy, or secondary article of the Jedi Code remains effective in upholding it's purported reason for existing? How about a reexamination of the present points of emphasis in Jedi philosophy, with an eye to determining if veneration for this or that luminary from antiquity has prevented their take on things from being considered critically, if that first point isn't to your fancy?" I retorted a bit more acerbically than I'd wanted to. My blue eyes met Ferus's brown ones, and our gazes remained locked as he scoffed.
"That's just like you, Skywalker. Presuming without the slightest basis for such a presumption that a Jedi Master you never met was just as likely to be wrong as right. Your self-centered arrogance is a thing of immense proportions. Making you unfit to even be a Jedi. Let alone someone in a position to remake what you hardly understand" The broad-shouldered Knight retorted assertively. His eyes bored into me, and his expression made it clear he had no doubts about what he was saying whatsoever.
If Ferus thought this would aggravate or unbalance me, he was in for a surprise. My passion and zeal for improving the life experience of each Jedi who committed so much of themselves to the common good was one of my better qualities. It was a dream which inspired me to be better than I was, because it used my own negative experiences as a spur prompting me to protect other young Jedi from going through what I had.
"The Jedi Code and the vast majority of the Order's current rules are the fruit of this or that Jedi Master's unsupported opinion, Ferus. There were never any facts to suggest that the Jedi Order subordinating itself to a government which has been more corrupt than not for the majority of it's existence would be in the interests of either the people or the Jedi. On the contrary, there is a ream of evidence declaring the point we Jedi became more concerned with the will of the Republic than the will of the Force as when everything really began to go wrong. The Republic has always been a mess, but it's the best anyone can do for a government. Our forebears knew we had to either be the ones running such a flawed regime, or limit ourselves only to cooperating with the government from the outside. Yet instead of examining our present circumstances, then comparing them qualitatively to other alternative configurations of operation the Order has employed at different times to see how our current methods stack up, the High Council simply defaults to assuming the current way is the right way. Let tradition dominate until some cataclysm causes such an outcry among the rank-and-file that the Council is left with no choice except change, being the order of the day!" I declared with passion and the unwavering conviction born of truth.
Ferus's lips drew back in an offended grimace as he stared at me with something akin to revulsion. "You wonder why you've never been truly accepted, and why you never will be. Dress it up however you wish, Gray, it amounts to rebellion against the teachings and ways of the Order. You're not a Jedi, Anakin. Just another powerful Force-sensitive who thinks his way is the one true path to a galactic paradise. It will be less than the blink of an eye, before you begin justifying the use of violence against those who disagree with you. All for the greater good, of course. For someone who styles themselves a student of history, this is an incredibly large blind-spot you possess."
It was maddening dealing with this man. Not just in his own person, but due to the unthinking worship of the status quo he was a symbol for. The galaxy was on the brink of a conflict all set to be worse than the Clone Wars, and this arch-traditionalist had no questions or doubts. He would have died surprised by mind-controlled clone treachery, if not for my intervention, but to him, I was the problem.
For just a moment or two, I wondered if it really was possible to change the Jedi Order for the better. Without the shakeup precipitated by huge numbers of Jedi casualties during this or that cataclysmic event, would I ever be able to convince enough of them that some of our present ways needed to change?
Ferus interrupted my bleak musing with a sniff and a pronouncement which came off soundly smugly superior to me. "Your problem, Skywalker, is you think it's your place to change things. Your right to save us all from our woeful ignorance when compared to your brilliant insights. You believe you speak and act with the moral authority of the Supreme Good, and it makes you unspeakably arrogant even when you believe yourself to be working within the system. You're never working within the system or accepting of your place within it. To you, it's simply a matter of biding your time and playing along. Until you're in a position to change things as you believe they should be changed."
He looked at me with a mix of pity and contempt, as he concluded with the question "How is that the least little bit different from what Palpatine just tried as Chancellor?"
Initially, I wanted to refute that on knee-jerk principle. Yet I'd had similar thoughts myself more than once. The expression of resulting disquiet as I considered various possible responses must have shown on my face, because Ferus leaned forward and pressed the point. Thrusting an accusatory finger in my direction, as he declared "You're no different than any of the many Dark Jedi who have preceded you. It always begins with philosophical and ideological differences of opinion, but an arrogant confidence in your own moral supremacy inevitably sours into contempt for those who refuse to see things your way. A contempt which will invariably excuse ever greater moral compromises to bypass the impediments posed by those insisting on resisting your inspired goals. From there it's just another in a long line of blood-drenched rampages until others eventually stop you. At a significant cost in suffering and innocent lives, of course."
It wasn't that I believed any of that. It was the realization this self-satisfied, status quo worshiping arch-conservative might well represent the perspectives of a great many present-day Jedi which made my heart sink. How was I going to persuade Jedi I'd never met, with values different from my own owing to the differences in species, if I couldn't persuade a fellow human I'd known for many years?
If I couldn't convince the Jedi to become more flexible, then getting through the upcoming war and dealing with the Banite Sith was almost pointless. The Lost Tribe of the Sith might easily bring about even more destruction than Palpatine and his cronies. Possibly even causing another series of events where hundreds of Jedi turned to the Dark Side at once.
"Is it finally beginning to sink in, Skywalker? This is why Masters Piell and Rancisis did everything they legally could to prevent your training. You and your wrongheaded need to fix what isn't broken could lead a large number of Jedi impressed with all this Chosen One nonsense astray. Causing an inordinate amount of suffering, and distracting the Order from the vital work it does" Ferus pressed in the manner of someone talking at rather than to another person. His confidence was the confidence of the worker-ant which could not imagine anything beyond the narrow list of tasks for which it had been brought into existence.
It wasn't Ferus-the-individual which so disheartened and filled me with hopelessness. It was the almost mindless and sometimes entirely baseless reverence for the ways of antiquity he stood as the symbol of which dimmed my hopes and so diminished my confidence. A feeling which gave me empathy for the victims of the Sarlacc. Just slowly ground down and used up by something which fed off your hopeless efforts to oppose it's ability to constrain you as something consumed all of your potential.
If reason wouldn't do it, then I had no idea how to get through to Jedi like Ferus. The weight of that understanding was like a pack full of mandalorian iron ingots. It was a realization which threatened to crush the hope from me. What could I do, if I couldn't get through to him with words? It wasn't as if I could manipulate him into going along or use force. That would only prove his point.
It was like this understanding increased the very gravity working upon me. A room which had always been a place of relaxation and a haven from worldly concerns now felt heavy and oppressive. Ferus seemed to gain height and substance, while I began to feel weaker and more off-balance than I had at any time since before my emancipation. Memories of the routine indignities and thoughtless offenses against my worth as an individual while trapped as Watto's property crowded in on me like a horde of vengeful ghosts out to drain me of all vitality so they could force me to join them.
"Can you feel it, Skywalker? Is the truth finally crowding out the self-centered delusions where you feature prominently as some sort of savior the Jedi don't need?" The handsome Jedi Knight condescendingly questioned in the manner of someone not looking for a real answer. Just someone to admit defeat and agree with him.
Blackness was actually crowding in like concentrated moonless night to blot out the Room's edges. It had already devoured the sky-scape, and was now spiraling inward toward Ferus and I with an inexorable inevitability. I hardly noticed, as burdened as I was by an ever increasing despair. The blackness was almost touching me when a chiding voice echoed faintly up to me from the well of memory. It wouldn't have gotten past the whispers of doubt and fears of failure hammered home by the ghosts of uncertainty and indecision, but these were words I'd heard so many times they were carved into the underpinnings of my psyche at this point.
"Root yourself in this present moment. Fear can only exist in your thoughts of the future. Focus on what you can do in the now, and leave the future to it's own devices" Dark Woman's remembered voice sternly reminded me.
It suddenly occurred to me I was coming at this all wrong. Trying to view the change I wanted to bring as one vast wave to encompass the entire Jedi Order in a single flash of enlightenment was wish-fulfillment nonsense. I didn't need to convince all the Jedi of anything. Not simultaneously, and surely not as some incontrovertible revelation handed down from on high to sweep all I disagreed with aside in a flash.
"I may not convince you or those like you I'm right, Ferus, but there are others. Other Jedi I might convince one at a time, with patience and hard work, by exemplifying another way of doing things in my own conduct. It isn't about winning some kind of who's right pissing match. I want what's best for our brothers and sisters, so I'll show those who are open to it my ideas in practice" I finally responded to my adversary's saccharine moral superiority with my own reawakened belief in myself.
The blackness shuddered and slowed to a crawl, but Ferus opened his mouth to retort with more support for stasis and stagnation. I didn't give him the chance, as I went on before he could do so.
"No, I listened to you at length. Respectfully, it's my turn, Ferus. Jedi don't abandon debate and the exchange of ideas as a means of resolving conflict unless there's no other choice" I said in a determined yet polite way. Acknowledging we were spiritual kin, as I acknowledged his right to his own opinion. Unwilling to abandon the standard of upright Jedi behavior, Ferus hesitated, and with him, so did the coalesced darkness crawl to a halt only a meter and change away. Leaving the two of us in a tube of wavering reality on the horizon of hungry oblivion.
"There will be those who see the wisdom in what I'm advocating. It may take years, or even decades, but patience and dedication will see me through to persuading enough Jedi to peacefully bring about an improvement. Superior results will lend weight to the position of those who see things as I do. The day will come when the High Council will need to give ear to our concerns in the interests of not appearing to lack all belief in their advocacy for peaceful resolution of conflict by discussion and debate. That, or accept the formation of another group like the Altisians or Green Jedi" I declared with renewed confidence. Meeting my opponent's gaze once more, as I dared him to deny the validity of my course.
"It, it will never work. It shouldn't work, and that's all there is to it!" Ferus stubbornly declared. Once more crossing his arms over his chest. He seemed surprised when the darkness didn't begin advancing again at this pronouncement.
"If there is real worth in the effort I won't abandon while life and strength remain, then the realization of the ideas I champion will refute your declaration. If there isn't, then others will perceive as much, and those ideas will pass away" I responded with poise and the serenity of one who knows his place in the scheme of things. I favored a foe who had yet to apprehend his own defeat with pity, before gently explaining it to him.
"You abandoned any pretense of discourse and debate with that last bit solipsism. Abandoning any pretense of moral authority in doing so, with your absolutist declaration" I explained gently. Seeing Ferus for the first time not simply as the enforcer of my status as an outsider, and the enemy of what I stood for. His own uncertainties he soothed by embracing orthodoxy and procedure. For all his maddening qualities, he was trying to do the right thing as he understood it. I could get behind that. Even if his way would never be my way.
White cracks had begun to form in the darkness and what little bit of the Room remained. Now, those cracks began to grow ever more radiant, as a new sense of peace and purpose filled me. There was no benefit in getting angry with the likes of Ferus. I needed to focus on doing what I knew to be right each day, and leave those who insisted on remaining mired in the past to their own devices.
A smile quirked the corners of my lips upward, as everything dissolved into a soothing white radiance.
-----
I opened my eyes, saw the concerned, questioning look on my Master's face, then nodded solemnly. The poise in the face of a world which so often tried to fly apart at the seams?
I finally really grasped how my Master could manage it. The feeling of being grounded and rooted in the moment by a sense of purpose I knew nothing would easily set aside was exhilarating.
"Congratulations, Aspirant. You have overcome the Trial of the Spirit by Facing the Mirror" Dark Woman quietly declared. The pride evident in her voice as she flashed me one of those dearly-won smiles of approval.
"Thank you, Master" I replied in a thin, weak tone.
Then I fell over and blacked out.401