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1. The Sarcastic Sword Blurb (Narrated by said talking weapon)
> "I was forged in dragon fire, quenched in demon blood, and bound to serve only the worthy. So why—WHY—am I stuck with this guy?"
– Arcanos, the Legendary Blade of Eternal Judgement (currently used to open cans)
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🧙♂️ 2. The 'Totally Not the Author' Review
> "10/10. Absolutely would get lost in a magical forest again.
I only cried once. Maybe twice.
Common sense is clearly OP—until you try explaining plumbing to a medieval village."
– Definitely Not the Author, writing under a fake name because shame.
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3. The Goblin Sidekick's Testimonial
> "I joined this guy's party because he gave me a sandwich.
Since then, I've been poisoned, banished, turned into a chicken, and married off to a witch.
10/10, would follow him again."
– Grubnuk, Level 2 Rogue (and part-time tax rebel)
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Character bios
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The Protagonist
Name: You (…probably named something incredibly normal like Kevin, Max, or Derek)
Class: [Unclassified] (Apparently "Sarcastic Outsider" isn't on the official Adventurer Registry)
Weapon: Common Sense, Occasional Screaming
Stats:
Strength: 3
Intelligence: 9 (But only by comparison)
Luck: Absolute rollercoaster
Bio:
Just a regular human yeeted into a fantasy world with no idea what's going on, yet somehow still managing to survive through sarcasm, trial-and-error logic, and the overwhelming power of "Wait, that doesn't make sense."
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Arcanos the Sentient Sword
Title: The Blade of Eternal Judgement
Personality: Grumpy, dramatic, and painfully aware of your mediocrity
Special Abilities:
Screams when used improperly (which is often)
Knows 1,000 ancient spells, refuses to share
Has a tragic backstory and won't shut up about it
Quote:
> "I once slayed a God. Now I'm a letter opener."
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Lyria the Elf Healer
Class: Cleric (but she's on strike)
Personality: Tired. So very tired.
Fun Fact: Has healed you 47 times. Has considered not healing you 46 times.
Quote:
> "I swear if you run into one more enchanted cactus I'm letting it finish the job."
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Grubnuk the Goblin Rogue
Title: Local Union Leader of the Anti-Tax Goblin Coalition
Weapon: A rusted spoon and spite
Fun Fact: Thinks the protagonist is a genius after he explained "minimum wage"
Bio:
Grubnuk just wanted a sandwich. Now he's part of a rebellion, wanted in 3 kingdoms, and believes "capitalism" is a dark spell.
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The Goddess of Too Many Eyes
Name: Vez'Thaal the Everwatching
Role: Creepy, overly helpful deity
Abilities:
Sees all timelines
Can't blink
Speaks only in riddles and TikTok audio
Quote:
> "You are my chosen one. Or the snack. It changes hourly."
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Prince Dandelion III, Heir to the Throne
Class: Noble (useless subclass)
Weapon: A gilded rapier he's never used
Personality: Thinks charisma is a spell
Fun Fact: Once got lost in his own castle
Quote:
> "Peasant! I demand you save me in the name of chivalry! And also because I sprained my ankle walking up a single stair."
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Mortax the Dragon Landlord
Title: Scourge of the Skies, Collector of Rent
Job: Owns half the continent's property and still won't fix the plumbing
Power Level: Immeasurable, unless gold is involved—then it's negotiable
Quote:
> "Your rent is due. I accept payment in coin, relics, or kneecaps."
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Old Man Wilfred
Class: ??? (He won't say)
Personality: Like Yoda, but drunk and way pettier
Fun Fact: Can bend reality but uses it exclusively to cheat at cards
Quote:
> "Magic is a sacred art passed down for generations—AND YOU USED IT TO MICROWAVE A POTATO?"
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The Villain (??? Name TBD)
Known As: "The Whisperer in the Void"
True Goal: Honestly? Just wants someone to ask how his day is
Threat Level: World-ending... unless you hug him
Backstory: Was banished to the darkness for "being weird at parties"
Quote:
> "You mock me now... but when I unleash my sorrow upon this world, THEN YOU'LL SEE WHO'S SOCIALLY AWKWARD!"
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Sir Clucksworth
Species: Chicken
Job: Royal Mount / Local Legend
Bio: Once pecked a lich to death. Now retired. Still carries the trauma.
Mount Status: Uncooperative
Quote:
> "Bawk." (Translated: "I've seen things... horrible things.")
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Trebor the Talking Tree
Role: Wise Sage (retired due to burnout)
Personality: 600 years old and so over everything
Location: Middle of nowhere, surrounded by squirrels who think he's a god
Quote:
> "I've seen empires rise, fall, and get turned into MLM schemes. You're not special."
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