I know what kind of expression I should have,
But please still answer
—Kaikai Kitan
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November 2014
"Chuuya called me earlier," Oda informed Dazai the following morning.
He'd stayed the night in Ango's room—or, more accurately, Oda and Ango had found him there around three AM and decided to leave him to rest. It wasn't like the two of them were opposed to sleeping together, anyway.
Dazai barely resisted the urge to roll his eyes. "What'd he want?"
Oda frowned. "He wanted to know if I knew where you were. He was worried because you didn't make it back last night."
Now Dazai did roll his eyes. "I don't know why he's acting so concerned. It's not like he has any reason to care."
"He does anyway," Oda said.
Dazai scowled. "Not according to him."
Oda leveled a look at him. "He said he didn't care?"
"Yep," Dazai lied. It had been implied, anyway.
Then Oda said, "Did you say something to provoke him?"
"Nooo," Dazai hedged. "Nothing that bad." He squirmed as Oda's eyes narrowed. Dazai wasn't a bad liar by any means, but he was horrible at lying to Oda.
Oda didn't call his bluff. Instead he sighed and said, "I know you usually push people away right when they start to care about you—"
"Huh? I don't do that!" Dazai denied.
Oda gave him a level look. "You did it with me," he said. "And Ango, and Ranpo, and Yosano as well, if I remember correctly. Of course," he added thoughtfully, "all of us stayed, because we care about you and also because you're worth staying for."
Dazai wrinkled his nose. "Gross."
"Yeah. You know what that means, though?"
Dazai sighed. "What?"
Oda smiled. "It means that if Chuuya stays, you won't have any choice but to let him care about you."
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The next few days were hellish. Dazai didn't speak a word to Chuuya, and Chuuya acted as if Dazai didn't exist. Even when Dazai watched him, hoping his dead-eyed stare would intentionally piss Chuuya off, Chuuya said nothing. He didn't even look at Dazai.
It was insulting, of course, but even more than that, it felt the way that nails against a chalkboard sounded. Dazai's head was loud again, and it was all Chuuya's fault.
Dazai hadn't expected Chuuya to react like this. He'd thought that maybe, maybe he was finally able to read Chuuya well enough to avoid blow-ups—and he was right, because this was no mere blow-up. This was a cold war with no end in sight.
In anatomy class on Tuesday, Yosano came over to greet them a few minutes before class started, but stopped once she noticed the obvious tension between them. "Who died?" She joked dryly. When neither of them responded, she frowned and said, "Dazai, a word?"
Dazai got up and silently followed her out of the room. In the hallway, Yosano turned to face him and said, "What the hell is going on with you two?"
Dazai smiled blandly. "Nothing! We hate each other, remember?"
"Yes, yes," Yosano said dismissively. "You hate each other passionately. I get it. My question is, why the hell are you ignoring each other?"
"Perhaps we've reached a new stage of our hatred?" Dazai suggested mildly.
Yosano groaned. "Get real, Dazai. We both know you don't want to ignore him, which means he's ignoring you. Why?"
"He's been disobedient lately," Dazai replied. "He even peed on the rug last night, can you believe it? I think it's just a phase—hey! I was not talking about suicide!" He complained as Yosano sprayed him in the face.
"Cry about it," she snapped. "Dazai, what did you do?"
Dazai smiled. "Wrong question!"
Yosano's eyes narrowed. "What did you say, then?"
"Nothing that bad," Dazai answered flippantly. "I just told him that I didn't want him around if we weren't gonna have sex. See? Not that ba—"
Yosano's slap echoed down the hallway. Dazai winced and touched his stinging cheek. "Are you serious?" Yosano said, voice clipped. "Why would you say that?" She lowered her voice and added, "And when did you start having sex, anyway?"
"We haven't," Dazai replied. "That's the problem."
Yosano looked confused. "He didn't want to?"
Dazai shrugged. "He said I was 'too wasted' ," he quoted, rolling his eyes. "As if I even cared."
Yosano looked at him in disbelief. "Are you serious?" She hissed. "Dazai, he was clearly concerned that you weren't able to consent! How does that make him the bad guy?"
Dazai opened and closed his mouth. "I told him it was fine—"
"Was it?" Yosano leveled him with a look.
" Yes," Dazai insisted. "I know what I want."
"Which is…"
"To have sex with Chuuya, duh," Dazai replied. "I doubt it'll happen now, though."
"I don't get you at all," Yosano muttered. "Can't you see Chuuya was just trying to help?"
"I don't get him," Dazai bit back. "Why would he be the one to stop? None of the others did." Yosano's eyes widened as Dazai clamped his mouth shut before he could blurt anything else out. Why the fuck did I say that, he wondered dully. Why is this getting to me at all?
"Dazai," Yosano said sympathetically, "that's fucked up."
Dazai shrugged weakly, forcing a smile. "If you say so!"
Yosano glared at him. "Seriously," she insisted, sounding embarrassingly concerned. "Just because you're used to your boundaries being crossed doesn't mean it's okay."
"I know that," Dazai huffed.
Yosano looked skeptical. "Do you?"
Dazai looked away. "Of course. Besides, I'm dealing with that stuff in therapy enough as is."
"Why don't you tell Fukuzawa-sensei about Chuuya?" Yosano suggested gently. "You know he's a great listener."
Dazai groaned. "I don't wanna tell him about dumb stuff like this."
Yosano sighed. "It's not dumb, and you should talk to someone about it."
"I'm talking to you now, aren't I?" Dazai replied.
Yosano gave him a look. "Someone who's qualified to give advice," she corrected. "You know I suck at that stuff."
Dazai snorted. "I know. Your advice consists of telling me to 'eat more vegetables' and 'take a goddamn walk every now and then'."
"Exactly," Yosano replied. "You're seeing him today, right?"
"Yeah," Dazai said, admitting defeat. "Fine, I'll talk to him."
Yosano smiled and patted his head. "Good boy."
" I'm not a dog," Dazai grumbled.
"Whatever you say," Yosano shot back.
Chuuya left the moment class ended. Dazai was slower to pack up his things and say goodbye to Yosano before heading to the cafeteria to grab a bite before his appointment. The food tasted like ash in his mouth, but at least he managed to swallow it.
The first thing Dazai blurted after Fukuzawa let him into his office was, "Chuuya's being a brat and I don't know what to do about it."
Fukuzawa looked thoughtful as he shut the door and sat across from Dazai. "Being a brat how?" He asked.
Dazai shrugged sullenly. "He's ignoring me 'cause I hurt his feelings, I guess." He wasn't really sure if that was true, but it seemed to be what Yosano had been implying.
"How did you hurt his feelings?" Fukuzawa prodded.
Dazai sighed and told Fukuzawa everything he'd said to Chuuya. He was tempted to edit the story slightly, but he forced himself not to. Fukuzawa's face remained impassive, despite the fact that Dazai hadn't so much as told him about kissing Chuuya before. Perhaps it wasn't surprising to him; if that was the case, then Dazai wasn't sure how to feel.
He finished with, "Chuuya didn't have to take it so personally! I mean, I never said I hated him or anything."
"I believe he might have heard that, though," Fukuzawa replied. "I'm sorry that happened, but I really do believe Chuuya was trying to respect your boundaries."
"I just don't get it," Dazai complained. "He can be such a jerk—hypocritical of me to say, I know, but it's true—and then suddenly he's all considerate? It makes no sense."
"It's clear that he cares about you," Fukuzawa said. "That aside, I doubt he'd cross anyone's boundaries like that." He paused before adding, "Would you?"
"Of course not," Dazai said, offended. "That's different, though."
Fukuzawa tilted his head. "How so?"
"Well," Dazai started, "I said it was okay. And I wanted it, anyway."
"But you were inebriated," Fukuzawa pointed out. "If the roles were reversed, and Chuuya said he wanted to have sex with you, would you have done it?"
Dazai stiffened. "I—maybe?" He thought for a minute before reluctantly amending, "Maybe not."
"Why is that?" Fukuzawa pressed.
Dazai rolled his eyes. "I wouldn't want to risk him going through what I did, obviously. Whether or not I care about him doesn't matter, because—" he cringed. "He doesn't deserve that." No one does.
Fukuzawa raised an eyebrow. "The question is, do you think you deserve it?"
"Nooo," Dazai hedged. "Not exactly, but…I mean, it's not like it would have been bad for me. I've been through worse."
Fukuzawa looked tired. "I know, Dazai, but that doesn't mean you should have to go through anything like that again. You know that, right?"
"Of course!" Dazai chirped, hiding his unease.
"Do you see where Chuuya's coming from now?" Fukuzawa asked.
Dazai grimaced. "I guess so."
Fukuzawa seemed pleased by that, at least. "Do you think maybe you should talk to him about that?"
Dazai sighed. "Yeah, I guess I should."
Fukuzawa nodded. "Very good. Let me know how that goes. Now, is there anything else you'd like to talk about today?"
Dazai fidgeted. "I have some notes."
Fukuzawa smiled slightly. "That's good to hear. Would you mind sharing them with me?"
"I suppose not," Dazai replied.
At the end of his appointment, Fukuzawa wished him luck speaking to Chuuya. Dazai thanked him before heading back to the dorm, dreading the confrontation that awaited him. Part of him hoped that Chuuya wouldn't be there, so that he could put it off a bit longer, but luck was not on his side.
Chuuya was on his bed when Dazai returned. He didn't so much as glance at the door when Dazai entered the room, and likely would have continued ignoring him had Dazai not cleared his throat loudly and said, "Chuuya."
Chuuya finally looked up. "What." He didn't sound angry. If anything, his voice was void of emotion, and his leg was hardly jiggling at all. It was so unlike him that it broke Dazai's brain a little.
"Uh." Dazai stalled. "I have something to say."
Chuuya sighed. "Say it, then."
"Okay," Dazai replied slowly. "Okay, so. Uh. I'm—" He closed his eyes. "I'm sorry I said that."
There was a pause, and Dazai opened one eye to peek at Chuuya. His face was completely impassive. "Sorry for saying what, exactly?" He asked coolly.
Dazai winced. "You know, the stuff about now wanting you around if you're not gonna have sex with me. That stuff."
"Oh, that," Chuuya answered. "Why apologize? It's true, isn't it?"
Dazai frowned. "Not really."
Chuuya stilled. "Why'd you say it, then?"
"Well," Dazai said hesitantly, "I guess I tend to…push people away? I mean, I've been told. And—ugh. This is hard," he mumbled to himself, annoyed. "What I'm trying to say is, I shouldn't have said that. It's not true." He cringed internally, realizing that he'd all but admitted he actually did want Chuuya around. Gross.
Chuuya was staring at him. "Why apologize now? Why would you care enough to do that?"
"I—" Dazai paused. "I dunno. I don't like it when you ignore me."
Chuuya gave him a cold look. "Because you get bored?"
"Of course," Dazai lied.
Chuuya sighed. "Of course. Not like you'd care, otherwise." He looked Dazai over and added, "Do you even know how to care?"
Your inhumanity is showing, Dazai heard. "I don't know," he heard himself say.
Chuuya looked weary. "Yeah, that's what I thought."
Your inhumanity is showing. "It's not my fault I'm like this," Dazai blurted. He didn't know why he needed Chuuya to know that, but he said it anyway.
"Okay, then," Chuuya replied. "Whose fault is it?"
Dazai hesitated. "I don't want to talk about that."
Chuuya leaned forward, eyes hard. "Does it have to do with your parents?"
"Yeah," Dazai admitted.
Chuuya chewed on his lip. "What did they say to you?"
Your inhumanity is showing. "A lot of things," Dazai answered numbly. "It's more about what they did, though."
Chuuya froze. "What did they do?"
Dazai's smile felt brittle. "Remember when I told you about the fire?"
"Yeah," Chuuya recalled, frowning. "You said their bodies were never found."
"They weren't in the house," Dazai confirmed. "I know that much, because I saw them leave." He paused before adding, "They left, but first they doused the curtains in gasoline and struck the match." Chuuya's eyes widened as he added, "The only mistake they made, really, was assuming I'd sleep through the night. They didn't know me well enough to know I never do."
"Dazai," Chuuya said weakly. "That's—"
"Fucked up? Sure," Dazai replied, smile widening. "I get why they did it, though. They never saw me as human, after all."
"That doesn't make it any better," Chuuya mumbled.
Dazai shrugged. "Tsushima Shuji died that night. I didn't."
Chuuya frowned, confused. "Tsushima—"
"My former name," Dazai explained. "I wasn't always Dazai Osamu."
Chuuya hummed. "How come your friends never call you Osamu, anyway?"
"I asked them not to," Dazai replied. "The only ones who called me Osamu were people I'd rather not remember."
Chuuya's expression turned dark. "Were they the ones who—"
"Yep," Dazai cut in cheerfully. "Let's not talk about that now, though. You look a bit murderous."
"No shit," Chuuya snapped. "Do you at least talk to your friends about that stuff?"
"Kinda," Dazai hedged. "Mostly just my therapist, though."
"That's something at least," Chuuya sighed.
"I guess."
There was a moment of silence, and then Chuuya blurted, "I'm sorry I ignored you. That was childish of me." He sounded embarrassed, either because of his behavior or maybe because he had to apologize. Dazai wasn't sure which. He wouldn't meet Dazai's eyes, either.
"It was childish," Dazai agreed, "but I'm sure I'd have done the same, if I were in your position."
"Probably," Chuuya admitted.
Neither of them spoke for a few long seconds, and then Chuuya cleared his throat. "So, now that we've cleared that shit up, uh—" he grimaced. "I would really appreciate some help studying for our anatomy midterm." He gave Dazai a warning glare. "I know the stuff, it's just the memorization that I—"
"Yeah, yeah," Dazai cut in. "I'll help."
Chuuya looked relieved. "Thanks, Dazai."
Dazai suppressed a smile that was far too soft to reveal to Chuuya. "You got it, partner."
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The following morning, Chuuya had an away game—some qualifier or something, Dazai didn't really know or care—so Dazai was tasked with catching him up on whatever he missed in psychology.
The moment Kouyou arrived, she told the class to form six groups with classmates of their choice. They'd be doing group presentations on various mental illnesses, including Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, General Anxiety Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, Schizophrenia and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Since Chuuya was gone, and Tecchou as well, Dazai claimed Jouno because he didn't seem entirely useless. Kouyou noticed the two of them standing together as the others formed groups. "Tecchou and Chuuya informed me they'd be at an away game today," Kouyou said. "I'm assuming it's all right if they make up the rest of your group?"
Jouno sighed. "If we've no other choice."
"What he said," Dazai agreed.
Kouyou looked as if she were repressing an eye roll. "I suppose that's settled then. The topic you'll be covering is Bipolar Disorder. Please don't forget to pass that along." She shot Dazai a warning look, and he smiled innocently.
"We won't forget!" He chirped.
Kouyou looked like she didn't entirely believe them.
After class was dismissed, Jouno created a group chat with Dazai, Chuuya and Tecchou. "We can compare schedules and find a time to meet later," he suggested. "I'd recommend meeting at the library, both for the sake of resources and our sense of smell." At Dazai's confused silence he added, "Tecchou's been banned from eating in the library ever since he spilled broccoli jello on the carpet."
Dazai snickered. "Gross."
"Yeah."
Later, Dazai received a text in the chat that read, ' is everyone free on saturday at 2:30 pm'.
He texted back an affirmative, and Tecchou replied for both him and Chuuya a few minutes later. ' Our practice ends at 1:30 so that should be fine'.
Jouno responded to that with ' I know when your practice ends, dumbass'.
Dazai laughed to himself and put away his phone.
On Saturday, Dazai and Chuuya headed to the library together. It appeared that neither Sigma nor Atsushi were working at the moment; Dazai made a note to figure out when they did so that he could visit them both.
Tecchou and Jouno were already seated at a table in the corner of the library with a stack of books on hand. Dazai recognized the DSM-5, along with a few other books he'd read while doing research all those months ago. "Let's start with the symptoms," Tecchou suggested once everyone was seated. "We know that Bipolar Disorder is characterized by manic episodes, and often depressive episodes as well."
"People with Bipolar Two tend to get more depressive episodes," Dazai contributed. "People with Bipolar One have longer lasting manic episodes, and depressive episodes are less common. It varies from person to person, though."
Chuuya eyed Dazai suspiciously. "When the hell did you learn that?"
Dazai smiled sweetly. "Don't question how I know, Chuuya! Just be grateful I do."
"He's right," Tecchou confirmed, eyes moving back and forth as he scanned the DSM-5. "As far as I can tell, anyway."
"Stuck up know-it-all," Jouno muttered disdainfully.
"Like you can talk," Dazai shot back.
"What else do you know about it, Dazai?" Tecchou asked curiously.
Dazai shrugged. "Not that much. Hypomanic episodes, which are more common with Bipolar Two, tend to last only a few days, while manic episodes last a week or longer. Mixed episodes are common as well—essentially, episodes in which energy and mood are misaligned. This might mean that one experiences high energy but low mood periods, or vice versa. This can be especially dangerous. Manic episodes consist of elevated mood, high self-esteem and high energy levels, while depressive episodes are pretty much the opposite." He paused for breath before adding, "Insomnia is a common comorbid condition, as well. Bipolar Disorder can really mess up circadian rhythms."
"How," Chuuya said, dismayed. "How do you know all of that?"
Dazai shrugged nonchalantly. "Isn't it obvious?"
Chuuya scowled. "Shut the fuck up."
Jouno remained silent, while Tecchou, who had been furiously scribbling notes up until now, sat back and hummed thoughtfully. "How does the disorder affect interpersonal relationships?"
Dazai grimaced. "I mean, it's pretty easy for people with the disorder to alienate themselves when they're depressed, and manic episodes that cause both inflated ego and impulsivity can lead to conflict as well. It varies from person to person, though."
"You really do know a lot about this," Jouno finally spoke up. "You must be really interested in psychology." His tone implied that he thought there was something fishy about that; Dazai probably should have been a bit less obvious about his plethora of knowledge on the subject.
"I just retain information easily, that's all," Dazai replied. It wasn't exactly a lie.
Tecchou closed his notebook. "Believe it or not, I think we've covered most of what we need to," he announced. "Does anyone object to me being in charge of the slideshow?"
"Nope," Dazai replied. Jouno and Chuuya shook their heads as well.
"I can make it tomorrow, then," Tecchou decided, "since we present on Wednesday. We can practice during our work period on Monday."
Jouno groaned. "I hate presenting. The feeling of being perceived—" he shuddered. "Disgusting."
"At least you can't see them," Tecchou pointed out, and Jouno jabbed him in the arm in response. Tecchou didn't even react; it appeared he was used to such violence.
"If we're done here, I'm gonna go," Chuuya said.
"Same," Dazai seconded. "I'm mildly allergic to libraries, anyway." He wasn't entirely lying—the sheer silence of the space only made the thoughts in his head louder.
"Fuckin' weirdo," Chuuya muttered as he pushed his chair back from the table. "See you at practice," he said to Tecchou.
Dazai waved goodbye as well—Jouno couldn't see it, but Dazai didn't particularly care—before following Chuuya back to the dorm.
Once they were back in their room, Chuuya turned to Dazai and said, "You knew an awful lot about Bipolar Disorder."
Dazai shrugged. "Like I said, I read a lot."
Chuuya frowned. "I'm not completely stupid, you know."
"Not completely," Dazai agreed. "Does this have a point, or…?"
"You're bipolar, aren't you?" Chuuya guessed bluntly.
Dazai supposed it made sense that he would have figured it out by now. He'd seen Dazai at his worst, after all. "How nice of you to notice!" He chirped. "You really are perceptive, for a dog."
"You weren't hiding it very well," Chuuya pointed out, ignoring the dog comment.
Dazai supposed that was true. "How long have you known?"
"Not long," Chuuya admitted. "I knew there was something, but I didn't really put it together until you spouted all that shit. No one does that much research unless they have to, either for a class or for themself."
"Congratulations on your discovery," Dazai said flatly. "Would you like a treat?"
Chuuya scowled. "If you give me a dog biscuit, I swear to god—"
"That wasn't what I had in mind," Dazai cut in.
"What did you have in mind, then?" Chuuya asked warily.
Dazai smiled innocently. "How about a kiss?" Chuuya hadn't kissed him since Halloween, and Dazai was…well. He didn't like that.
Chuuya raised an eyebrow. "Bored again?"
"Something like that," Dazai replied.
Chuuya sighed. "Fine. Just a kiss."
"That's all I ask," said Dazai.
Chuuya stepped closer to Dazai and grabbed his collar before tugging his face down and connecting their mouths. Dazai breathed in sharply as Chuuya kissed him; it was almost unbearable, the sheer amount of relief Dazai felt at being able to feel this again.
"Good enough for you?" Chuuya asked when he finally pulled back.
Dazai tilted his head. "Maybe."
Chuuya rolled his eyes and leaned in to kiss him again.
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"Did you resolve things with Chuuya?" Fukuzawa asked when Dazai saw him next.
"Yeah," Dazai replied. "I mean, we still hate each other, but he's not ignoring me anymore, so I'd say that's progress."
Fukuzawa hummed. "That's good to hear."
"I guess so," said Dazai.
"When you say you hate each other, what do you mean by that?" Fukuzawa asked.
Dazai shrugged. "We argue a lot. Not about important stuff—just little things. He drives me nuts,honestly."
"You're smiling," Fukuzawa pointed out, and Dazai schooled his features instantly. "Could it be that you enjoy arguing with him?"
"Why would I enjoy that?" Dazai said, confused. "Arguing isn't fun." Except when it leads to Chuuya choking me, he didn't say.
"If you say so," Fukuzawa replied mildly before changing the subject.
Still, his words stuck in Dazai's head. He thought about them on his way back to the dorm, and later that night after he provoked Chuuya into choking him again. That part was kind of fun, but that didn't mean Dazai enjoyed their arguments. They just didn't make him quite as frustrated as they used to, he supposed.
Anyway, it didn't matter whether or not arguing with Chuuya was fun, because in the end, arguments were still arguments. People who liked each other didn't argue like they did, and if they didn't like each other, then of course they hated each other.
The only thing he liked about Chuuya was the way his mouth felt against Dazai's, and the way his hands felt on Dazai's throat. It was easy to hate him; feeling anything else for him would take more work than Dazai was willing to put in.
He didn't care enough about Chuuya to try, after all.
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"I'll be gone for break," Chuuya informed Dazai the following morning. "I'm gonna visit my dads in France."
"Good riddance," muttered Dazai absently, not looking up from his phone, and Chuuya whacked him in the arm.
"I'm leaving Friday," he continued, "and I'll be back Tuesday, since school starts on Wednesday. Try not to miss me too much."
"I'm sure I'll manage," Dazai said sarcastically. He already had plans to have dinner with his friends on Thanksgiving, anyway.
Friday rolled around, and with it came a rainstorm with winds so powerful that a tree came down on their campus. All flights out of Yokohama and Tokyo were effectively and indefinitely delayed.
Dazai half-listened as Chuuya called his dads and conversed in French for a while before hanging up with a beleaguered sigh. "It's not gonna work," he mumbled. "I'd only have a little over 48 hours with them at this rate, and the jet lag isn't worth it."
"Sucks to suck," Dazai replied.
Chuuya tossed a pen at his head. "Shut it," he grumbled. "It's a stupid holiday anyway. I'll just get takeout or something."
"All by your lonesome?" Dazai drawled. "How pitiful."
Chuuya glared at him. "It's not my fault all my friends are going home for break!"
"Mine aren't," Dazai said smugly.
"Good for you," Chuuya snapped. "I'll be fine on my own. At least I'll have a break from you."
Dazai considered him for a long moment before groaning. "You won't," he said reluctantly, "because Yosano would actually murder me if she found out I didn't invite you, and even worse, there's a chance Odasaku would be disappointed in me." Dazai hatedwhen Oda was disappointed in him.
Chuuya eyed him dubiously. "Your friends won't mind if I come?"
"Nah," Dazai said dismissively. "Oda and Ango are hosting, and it'll just be the five of us, plus you and Ranpo's boyfriends."
"Who's he dating?" Chuuya asked curiously.
"Mushitarou and Poe are their names," Dazai replied. "I don't know either of them that well yet, but I'm sure you'll get along fine." Poe would probably be shy, and Mushitarou apprehensive, but Chuuya could handle that.
Chuuya sighed. "Fine, I'll come."
"I'll let them know," said Dazai.
On Monday, they headed to Oda and Ango's together. Chuuya brought some store-bought cupcakes, while Dazai grabbed a few bags of popcorn for his contribution. Oda was the best cook out of their group, so he was in charge of the turkey, while Ango had claimed he could handle the sides. Ranpo was strictly forbidden from using his kitchen, according to Yosano, and Yosano was providing beverages. She worked until 7, so they planned to eat dinner around eight.
Everyone apart from her was present when Dazai and Chuuya arrived. Ranpo dragged Chuuya off to meet his partners the moment they stepped inside, while Dazai went to help Oda and Ango set the table.
When Yosano showed up around 7:30, she stole Chuuya from Ranpo, who had been interrogating him about everything from school to volleyball to Dazai (he'd heard his name at least a few times) for the past half hour. Yosano tugged Chuuya into the kitchen, presumably to get started on the wine she'd brought.
Ranpo flopped onto the sofa beside Dazai. "Are you sulking 'cause I monopolized Chuuya's attention for so long?" He taunted as he grabbed a handful of popcorn from the coffee table.
"Of course not," Dazai replied. "I should be thanking you for keeping him entertained."
"Sure," Ranpo said, sounding unconvinced.
Oda called them over for dinner soon after, and Dazai filled his plate before choosing the seat beside Chuuya's.
Yosano, who sat across from Dazai, gave him a small smirk but thankfully said nothing. It was actually embarrassing how automatically Dazai had joined Chuuya.
The room was mostly silent as they ate. Afterwards, they brought the cupcakes Chuuya had brought to the living room, and Yosano put on some American movie called The Hunger Games . Dazai had heard of it before; it was a horrifying concept, and the plot was relatively well-executed.
Dazai squeezed onto the couch between Chuuya and Ranpo—Yosano gave him another pointed look, but still didn't tease him (he knew she would eventually, but at least she refrained in front of Chuuya). The movie was surprisingly emotional, or maybe it wasn't so surprising. When Rue was killed, Dazai heard a sniffle, and glanced over to see tears streaming down Chuuya's face. Oda was tearing up as well.
Dazai sighed. "So emotional," he muttered, but still he put an arm around Chuuya. He was past caring what the others thought, and at least it was an effective way to make Chuuya stop crying (even if he did get some snot on Dazai's shirt in the process).
"That was pretty good," Yosano admitted once it was over.
Ango pushed himself to his feet. "This has been nice, but I'm about ready to pass out."
"Same," Yosano agreed. "Need any help with the cleanup?"
Ango waved her off. "We can manage. Thank you, though."
Chuuya stood and stretched while Dazai tried not to stare at the strip of skin between his shirt and jeans. "Let's go, asshole," he said.
Dazai rolled his eyes but stood as well. "See you guys later," he said to the room at large.
"Get home safe," Oda replied.
"Oh, they'll be safe all right," Ranpo remarked, snickering. Dazai almost asked what the hell thatmeant, but decided against it.
When they got back to the dorm, Chuuya was oddly quiet. Dazai poked him in the forehead and asked, "Why aren't you yapping?"
Chuuya shrugged. "Just thinking."
Dazai cocked his head. "About what?"
Chuuya flushed. "None of your business."
"Ooh, is Chuuya thinking dirty thoughts?" Dazai taunted. "How vulgar." Chuuya said nothing, and Dazai gasped. "You totally are! Pervert."
Chuuya groaned. "Shut it. How drunk are you?"
"Mostly sober," Dazai replied. "Why? Are you that eager to take my clothes off?"
"If you still want me to," Chuuya answered.
Dazai could practically feel himself glitch. "Uh. Yeah?"
Chuuya frowned. "You don't sound sure."
"What, you want me to beg for it?" Dazai retorted.
Chuuya hummed. "That'd be nice."
Dazai snorted. "Yeah, that's not gonna happen."
"Guess we can't do anything, then," Chuuya said nonchalantly, and started turning away.
Dazai caught his wrist. "You're serious?"
Chuuya glanced up at him. "Of course."
Dazai stared at him for a long moment before determining that Chuuya wasn't bluffing. He sighed. "I suppose I don't have a choice, then. Ugh, fine.Chuuya, will you please take my clothes off now?"
Chuuya's eyes widened. "You actually begged," he said, sounding amazed.
"Are you going to do it or not?" Dazai said impatiently.
Instead of responding, Chuuya stepped closer and reached for Dazai. Dazai held still as Chuuya's hands found the top button of his shirt, then stalled. "You sure?" He asked again.
" Yes," Dazai said, exasperated. "Hurry up before I die of boredom."
Chuuya smiled at that. He unbuttoned Dazai's shirt so slowly that Dazai could feel every miniscule movement he made. Once he'd pulled the shirt from Dazai's shoulders, he took a moment to stare at Dazai's bandaged chest. "Do you want to keep these on?"
Dazai considered that. His skin felt sensitive, sure, but for once it didn't feel like such a bad thing. "Take them off," he answered after a pause.
Chuuya unwound the bandages slowly, starting at Dazai's chest before moving down both of his arms. His touch burned, but it felt too good for Dazai to ask him to stop.
"Chuuya," Dazai mumbled once the last of the bandages had fallen from his wrists. "I'm still bored."
"You can just ask me to kiss you," Chuuya pointed out.
"Where's the fun in that?"
Chuuya leaned in to kiss Dazai, running his hands up Dazai's back. Dazai shivered and pulled Chuuya closer, eliminating the space between them entirely. He didn't need to hold Chuuya at arm's length, not anymore.
If it was easy to hate Chuuya, then it was even easier to be consumed by him.
All the things I can see are imitations
Even if i'm coldhearted,
Even if I throw it away,
It'll start soon anyway
—Tokyo Ghetto
▝■▙▚▛■▜▞▟■▘
December 2014
Dazai had hoped that sleeping with Chuuya would make him less of a distraction. Not only did that backfire, but now Dazai found himself unable to stop thinking about Chuuya, watching Chuuya, being hyper aware of Chuuya at any given moment.
Dazai hated it.
How do I make it stop? He thought miserably, staring absently at Chuuya now. He looked unfairly attractive, even in the harsh fluorescent lighting of their anatomy classroom. Horrible, awful, no good—
"Oi, what are you looking at?" Chuuya snapped, and Dazai started. He hadn't realized that Mori had finished speaking and left them to study for the midterm the following week (it was rumored to be over 100 questions, so most of Dazai and Chuuya's free time had been devoted to studying for it).
"I'm not looking at anything," Dazai countered belatedly.
"Yes, you are," Chuuya argued.
"I'm not. You're crazy," Dazai retorted.
Chuuya glared at him and called, "Hey, Yosano?"
Yosano came over at once. She and Chuuya had grown closer lately, which was disturbing, to say the least. "Yes?"
"Was Dazai staring at me?" He asked her, not taking his eyes off Dazai.
"Definitely," Yosano answered, giving Dazai a smug look.
Traitor, Dazai mouthed.
Yosano smiled sweetly before moving on to help Tachihara and Gin.
"So?" Chuuya asked. "What's your deal?"
"Nothing," Dazai insisted.
"You're being weird."
" You're being weird."
"Ah, is Double Black having a tiff?" Mori broke in, appearing out of nowhere.
Dazai glared at Chuuya. "Chuuya's crazy."
" You're the crazy one!" Chuuya snapped.
Mori tsk ed. "Well, this must be resolved!" He chirped. "Why don't the two of you do some trust falls?"
"I'm afraid I don't trust Chuuya enough for that," Dazai proclaimed.
"Back at you, asshole!"
"Oh, my," Mori said mildly. "It's even worse than I thought. Very well, I suppose we'll have to use another method. Hmmm…Ooh! I've got just the thing." He rubbed his hands together. "Why don't the two of you come with me?"
Dazai sighed. "If we must." He shot Yosano a pleading glance as he followed Mori and Chuuya out of the room, but she pointedly ignored him as if to say 'you earned this'.
"This is your fault," Chuuya hissed at Dazai as Mori led them to an empty classroom and closed the door behind them.
Mori gestured at a pair of boxes on the floor at the front of the room. "In these boxes are two skeletons. The one on the left is about 180 centimeters tall, while the one on the right is 160."
Dazai snickered. "Guess which one Chuuya is?"
Chuuya subtly stomped on his toes in response.
"Your job," Mori continued, "is to assemble your partner's skeleton."
"Cute," Dazai muttered sarcastically.
"Of course," Mori added thoughtfully, "we can't have this be too easy a challenge, now can we?" His smile was pure evil as he took both boxes and upended their contents onto the floor. The loose bones mixed together, making it impossible to tell which was from what skeleton.
Dazai and Chuuya stared at him in disbelief. "You've got to be kidding me," Chuuya mumbled.
Mori's smile widened. "Oh, I'm not! You have one hour. I expect you to be done by the time I return. Also, if you try to leave without finishing the job, I'll fail you. Good luck!" He waved cheerfully before exiting the room and shutting the door firmly behind him.
It took almost a full minute for Dazai to process the task before him. "Maybe I should just kill myself," he mused.
"Don't you dare leave me to do this alone," Chuuya snapped. "It's your fault we're here in the first place!"
Dazai stuck out his tongue. "Nuh-uh!"
Chuuya growled. "You're such a shithead sometimes, I swear to god—"
Dazai kicked the pile of bones, drowning out Chuuya's voice. "Sorry, I can't hear you!" He sang.
Chuuya elbowed him in the side before kneeling in front of the pile. "This is awful," he bemoaned. "We're never going to get this done."
Dazai knelt beside him. "Well, Mori-san thinks we can," he said disdainfully. "He might be a lot of things, but he's not stupid."
Chuuya just groaned again. "Let's just get this over with," he said, tone defeated.
They started by silently sorting bones into piles. The skulls were easy to tell apart, as were most of the longer bones. The problem lay with the fingers and toes, which had to be carefully examined in order to determine which belonged to which skeleton.
It took them half an hour just to divide the bones up, and another 25 minutes to put the skeletons back together. It was almost one when they finished, and Dazai had to leave for therapy in a few minutes. Luckily, Mori returned just in time.
"Very impressive," he praised, examining their work. "A couple of the smaller finger bones are switched, but I suppose I can overlook it just this once!"
Dazai breathed a sigh of relief. "Can we leave now?"
"Yes, yes, you're free to go," Mori said dismissively. "I'll see you next week, bright and early for the midterm."
"We look forward to it," Dazai spoke for them both, giving him a fake smile.
After swinging by their classroom to grab their things, Dazai and Chuuya parted ways. Dazai made it to Fukuzawa's office just after one.
"Sorry I'm late," he apologized to Fukuzawa when he let Dazai in. "Mori-san gave us a special assignment."
"Of course he did," Fukuzawa sighed. "Did he keep you past class time?"
"Only by, like, half an hour," Dazai hedged.
Fukuzawa hummed. "I'll have a discussion with him about his teaching methods. He's a very knowledgeable man, but as far as his curriculum goes—well, let's just say it's…unique."
"Sounds about right," Dazai agreed.
"Enough about him, though," Fukuzawa said, changing the subject. "How are you feeling?"
"Pretty good," Dazai replied. "My moods have been mostly stable."
Fukuzawa nodded and made a note. "And how is your relationship with Chuuya?"
"It's not a relationship," Dazai insisted.
Fukuzawa took that in stride. "Your friendship, then."
"We're not friends, either," Dazai replied. "But I guess it's okay. We haven't had any major issues since…you know."
Fukuzawa scribbled another note. "Are you still pursuing a physical relationship with him?"
Dazai made a face. "Way to make it sound clinical," he complained. "You can just ask me if I'm sleeping with him. The answer's 'yes', by the way."
Fukuzawa hummed. "Has your relationship brought up any emotions from your previous experiences?"
"Not…really?" Dazai said slowly. "I mean, it's different now."
"Because Chuuya doesn't cross your boundaries, right?" Fukuzawa checked.
"He doesn't," Dazai confirmed. "He wouldn't."
"Does that make you feel safe with him?" Fukuzawa asked.
Of course, Dazai wanted to say, but that wasn't entirely true. Dazai knew his body was safe with Chuuya, but his mind was another story. "Yes," Dazai said finally, "but sometimes I'm afraid of—" he paused. "I don't really know."
"Are you afraid of what you feel for him?" Fukuzawa prodded.
"That can't be it," Dazai replied instantly. "I don't feel anything for him. It's more like…I'm afraid of how much space he takes up in my head. It's weird."
Fukuzawa stared at him. "But you don't have feelings for him," he stated.
"No way," Dazai said vehemently, hoping his face showed an appropriate level of disgust.
Fukuzawa sighed. "All right, I believe you. I have one more question about Chuuya, and then we can move onto other things."
"Shoot," Dazai replied.
Fukuzawa leaned back in his chair and asked, "How would you feel if Chuuya kissed someone else?"
Dazai's head grew frighteningly quiet, and then overwhelmingly loud, as he automatically pictured Chuuya kissing some faceless stranger, someone that was not Dazai. It made Dazai feel something dark and ugly and unnameable. "I don't care what he does," he said evenly. "He doesn't belong to me." He's my dog, but he's not mine, Dazai added in his head.
"Very well," Fukuzawa answered finally. "I trust you know your own feelings."
"Thanks," Dazai answered absently. "So do I."
Once the session was over, Dazai swung by the library to borrow a copy of Sushaku Endo's The Sea and Poison, which they'd been assigned to read in lit the previous week. Dazai was supposed to have a response prepared for class, and at this point Dazai had just over an hour to get the assignment done.
To his delight, both Atsushi and Sigma were working the front desk today. Atsushi noticed him first and waved happily, while Sigma gave him a harassed look when he caught Dazai's eye.
"Well, if it isn't my favorite two librarians!" Dazai exclaimed as he approached the front desk.
"Lower your voice," Sigma hissed, glancing around surreptitiously as if he expected to get told off.
"You are very loud, Dazai-san," Atsushi agreed quietly.
Dazai grinned. "Sorry!" He chirped at the same volume. "Old habits die hard, you know. Anyway, I don't suppose you have a copy of The Sea and Poison I could borrow for the next hour?"
"Someone just returned their copy," Sigma informed him. "Will you be checking it out, or reading it here?"
"Reading it here," Dazai decided.
Sigma turned to Atsushi and said, "When someone wants to read a book here without taking it from the building, there's no need to record their name."
Atsushi nodded furiously. "Got it."
Dazai laughed loud enough to draw another glare from Sigma and ruffled Atsushi's hair, making it appear even more haphazard than it usually did. "What a good little librarian-in-training!"
Sigma sighed. "I'll be right back," he told Dazai before retreating to the back room. He returned a minute later and passed the book to Dazai. "If you take the book out of the library without checking it out, you will be fined," he informed Dazai.
Dazai saluted him dramatically. "Gotcha!" He offered them one last smile before retreating to a chair in the corner of the room to read, humming under his breath as he flipped to the first page.
The story was far darker than Dazai had expected it to be. Mostly, what he got from it was: 1—humans are horrifying, 2—there were a few ways Dazai would not like to die (and nearly all of them were featured in the book), and 3—Japan really needed to own up to its war crimes already.
He finished his response at 3:15, which left him just 5 minutes to get to class. He swung by the front desk to return the book and say a quick goodbye to Atsushi and Sigma before speed-walking to the literature department, and slid into his seat a moment before Hirostu entered the room.
As Hirotsu took roll, Kunikida twisted around in his seat to glare at Dazai. "You still owe me for the sink repairs."
Dazai played dumb. "What sink repairs? I can't seem to recall—"
"Kunikida?" Hirotsu called.
"Here," Kunikida replied before looking back at Dazai. "We can't fix it until you pay," he informed Dazai quietly.
"Why does it matter if we're short a sink?" Dazai shot back with an innocent smile. "There's plenty of others—"
"Dazai, I swear to god," Kunikida started, but the sound of a throat being cleared cut him off.
"Is there a problem, Kunikida-kun?" Hirostu asked, staring Kunikida down with eyes of steel.
"No, sensei," Kunikida said apologetically.
Dazai's smile turned smug, and Kunikida's eyes flashed murderously before he forced himself to turn back to the front.
After class, Dazai walked back to the dorm with Chuuya, effectively avoiding another confrontation with Kunikida. "What did you think of the story, slug?" He asked curiously.
"Fucked up," Chuuya mumbled in response, looking vaguely nauseated. "The fact that it's based on true events—"
"Super fucked up," Dazai agreed. "That's humanity for you, though."
"We've only got one more book to cover before we start our final projects, right?" Chuuya checked when they reached the dorm.
"I think so," said Dazai. "Are you going to choose the short story or the essay?"
Chuuya laughed. "If you think I'm gonna write a five-page essay comparing multiple books, you're insane."
"So the short story then," Dazai concluded. "Me too. I bet mine will be better." He unlocked their door and went inside, not bothering to hold it open for Chuuya.
"Oh yeah?" Chuuya challenged. "Do you even know what you're going to write about?"
"Sure," Dazai lied. Chuuya raised an eyebrow as if to say 'elaborate, please', so Dazai sighed and continued, "The story's centered on a character named," he paused and glanced quickly around the room, "Mitsubishi. Now, Mitsubishi is a very strange man. He has the power to turn into a—" he paused for dramatics "—very small dog! Very yappy, too," he added as an afterthought. "Anyway, Mitsubishi's power alienates her from her friends and family—"
"I thought Mitsubishi was a guy?" Chuuya interjected.
Dazai glared at him. "They're genderfluid, Chuuya. Keep up!"
"I'm surprised you even know that term," Chuuya muttered, climbing onto his bed. "Also, you're making this up on the spot, I can tell."
Dazai gave him a wide smile. "Am I? That's quite the serious accusation, Chuuu-yaa."
Chuuya scowled. "I know you, bastard."
At some point Dazai's smile had become just genuine enough that he was having trouble taking it off. He went to Chuuya easily, as if being pulled by an invisible thread. "How well do you know me, though?" He asked. Like this, their eyes were almostlevel (Dazai was still a little bit taller).
Chuuya rolled his eyes as he reached out to reel Dazai in. "Better than you want me to."
▝■▙▚▛■▜▞▟■▘
Dazai spent most of Saturday studying for the anatomy midterm with Chuuya. They ended up making flashcards, and took turns quizzing each other. There was a lot of material to cover, but Dazai was confident he'd be fine.
Chuuya, though…
"Argh!" Chuuya groaned, throwing his pen to the floor. "I hate this! My brain doesn't want to do it!"
Dazai rolled his eyes. "Just focus."
"JuSt FoCuS," Chuuya mimicked. "You act like that's even possible!"
Dazai stared at him blankly. "It's not?" He knew he could be spacey at times, too, but that was usually when he got overwhelmed to the point of burnout, and even when that happened he could still make himself focus if he really tried.
"It's like," Chuuya tried to explain, spinning his pen in his hand (when had he even picked it up?) "it's like there's a radio blaring multiple stations at once in my head. It makes it pretty hard to think."
"Oh, yeah," Dazai replied. "I call that Radio Brain. I get it a lot, but it doesn't affect my thinking that much." He was certainly guilty of overthinking when he got overwhelmed, but he could still follow the thread of thoughts easily.
Chuuya's eyes widened, and his hand stilled. "You get that, too?"
"All the time," Dazai confirmed. "Less since I started lamictal, though."
"What's lamictal?" Chuuya asked, resuming his pen spinning.
"Mood stabilizer," Dazai dismissed.
"Oh." There was a pause, and then Chuuya said, "You know, Arthur always said he had a feeling I might have ADHD. I'm starting to think he was onto something."
Dazai snorted. "No shit. I could have told you that."
Chuuya glared at him. "Why didn't you?"
Dazai shrugged. "None of my business. You could have been diagnosed already, for all I knew." He hadn't thought about it much, to be honest, but laying the facts out now made it appear all too obvious.
Chuuya looked harassed. "Whatever. All you need to know is, when my brain doesn't want to do something, I can't make it happen, no matter how hard I try."
"Wow, that must suck," Dazai commented. When Chuuya didn't reply, Dazai sighed. "What helps you, when you can't focus?" He asked grudgingly.
Chuuya shrugged. "Usually I need to move around a bit. It gets bad if I sit still for too long."
"Okay, then," Dazai said, thinking. "Want to take a walk? I need to buy Yosano a birthday present, anyway."
Chuuya looked surprised. "Today's her birthday? I didn't realize."
"Technically it's tomorrow, but we're celebrating tonight," Dazai replied. "Come to think of it, I'm surprised she didn't invite you."
Chuuya shrugged, unbothered. "It's fine. She probably wants to keep it small. Besides, I'll see her at the next wine night, so maybe I'll get something to give her then."
After putting away the flash cards, they grabbed their coats—it was sunny today, but also bitterly cold, and the air smelled like frost. They walked to the nearest department store to browse. Dazai was uninspired, but Chuuya clearly had some idea in mind. He went straight to the wine and picked out a particularly fancy bottle.
Despite having known Yosano for years, Dazai was horrible at shopping for her. He ended up getting her a small collection of things—a box of chocolates, a collection of coasters that had cheesy things written on them (Yosano would love making fun of them) and finally, a tube of lipstick that Chuuya claimed was the 'right color season' for Yosano, whatever the hell that meant.
They made it back to the dorm just after 3, having stopped to grab takeout on the way back, since they'd accidentally skipped lunch. Studying was easier after their outing; Chuuya seemed to be having less trouble focusing, and they made it through a fair amount of material.
Dazai left for Yosano's around 6. He hadn't been to her apartment in ages—they usually met at Oda and Ango's place, since it was more spacious—but it was exactly as he'd remembered: sparsely decorated, since Yosano was rarely home, and most of the surfaces cluttered with various papers and books. There were only two chairs and a very small sofa that Dazai squeezed onto, along with Oda and Ango. Maybe that's why she didn't invite Chuuya, Dazai realized, suppressing a snicker.
They ate sushi that Oda had bought and drank wine provided by Ango, not bothering to move to the dining room. Dazai helped Oda bring their plates to the kitchen once everyone had finished eating, and grabbed Yosano's presents from his backpack on the way back to the living room. He'd wrapped them the same way he'd done Ranpo, Oda and Ango's—in plain paper that he'd drawn on with crayons. He'd decorated hers with flowers and eels; he knew she liked both of those things, although they didn't exactly look great together.
Sure enough, Yosano burst out laughing when she saw Dazai's illustrations. "They're so ugly," she gasped, wiping away a tear.
"Rude!" Dazai complained. "I worked very hard on those drawings, I'll have you know."
"Is that eel eating a daffodil?" Oda asked, pointing at the top corner of the present.
"Maybe," Dazai hedged. "I don't know. Why don't you open the present?"
Yosano laughed again but obliged. She smiled when she saw the contents of the box. "Chuuya helped you pick out that lipstick, didn't he?" She guessed knowingly.
"I don't know what you're talking about," Dazai huffed.
Yosano thought the coasters were hilarious, and the chocolate was 'surprisingly good, given how cheap it was' (Dazai had forgotten to remove the price tag, to his embarrassment).
After setting Dazai's gifts aside, she accepted Oda and Ango's. They'd gotten her a silk scarf and a pair of earrings set with rubies that brought out the red in her eyes, while Ranpo gave her a corkscrew decorated with butterflies.
Ango cleaned up the shreds of wrapping paper covering the floor while Ranpo went to fetch the chocolate espresso-flavored cake he'd brought. He'd stabbed exactly 26 candles into it, and once they were lit, the cake looked as if it was going up in flames. Yosano managed to blow them out on her third try.
"What did you wish for?" Dazai asked Yosano.
Yosano's eyes widened. "I forgot to wish!"
Ranpo snickered. "How'd you manage that?"
Yosano glared at him. "It's your fault for making the candles so difficult to blow out," she accused. "I was so focused on that, the wish just slipped my mind!"
"Wishes are lame, anyway," Dazai interjected, staring at the used candles sticking haphazardly out of the cake. "Happiness never lasts long." No one responded, so Dazai looked up, confused. His friends were staring at him, looking mildly horrified.
"You really believe that?" Ango asked him.
Dazai frowned. "Of course. Nothing lasts, right?"
"Jeez, you're such a buzzkill," Ranpo drawled. "Can't you just enjoy the things you have while you have them?"
"Why should I, when they'll only be taken away?" Dazai pointed out.
"That's dumb," Ranpo declared. "What's that one quote? You know, the one about love and loss—"
" 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all," Oda supplied.
Ranpo snapped his fingers. "Yeah! That's the one."
"You're right that nothing is permanent," Yosano offered. "I know that better than most. But, Dazai, I have to ask—what are you so afraid of? Is it the loss? Or is it the love?"
Dazai groaned. "I don't know, both? Why does it matter?"
"I think he's more afraid of love than he is of loss," Ranpo declared. "Loss doesn't mean much without love, right?"
"Nothing means much without love," Ango broke in.
Dazai rolled his eyes. "I never took you for such a romantic," he said sarcastically. "Odasaku's a lucky man.'
Ranpo and Yosano exchanged a look. "You know," Yosano said slowly, "It's okay to be afraid of loss."
"But it's not okay to be afraid of love?" Dazai guessed.
"I didn't say that," Yosano pointed out. "It's okay to be afraid of anything. But—" she stared him down, expression fierce. "Don't you think you owe it to yourself, just a little bit, to allow yourself to love?"
"I love plenty," Dazai defended. "I have you guys, don't I?"
"Of course you have us," Ango answered for all of them. "But that's not what we're referring to."
Dazai gave him a flat look. "Bold of you to assume I have the capacity for romantic feelings," he stated.
Yosano sighed. "Maybe you don't, who knows? Then again," she added, "if you're too afraid to try, how will you ever know for sure?"
Dazai made a face. "I'm not afraid."
"Yes, you are," Ranpo replied. "You can't fool us."
Dazai frowned. "I'm not," he insisted. "Why are we even talking about this?"
" Someone's gotta force you to realize how repressed you are," Yosano answered. "Might as well be us."
"That's great and all, but can we please eat the cake now?" Ranpo complained. "He can work out his repressed gay feelings for Chuuya on his own."
Dazai sputtered. "No one said anything about Chuuya!"
"We didn't need to," Ango mumbled, just loudly enough for Dazai to catch.
"Let's eat," Yosano agreed, ignoring Dazai entirely. "You're right, he needs to figure this out without our help."
"You guys act like you're my parents or something," Dazai said, annoyed.
Odasaku tilted his head. "Is there a problem with that?"
Dazai couldn't find it in himself to argue with Oda. He sighed and said, "Of course there isn't. You're better than any of my former parents, that's for sure."
"The bar must be pretty low, then," Ranpo remarked.
Dazai couldn't help but laugh at that. "The bar's underground," he replied.
"Like Bar Lupin," Oda offered.
Dazai smiled. "Yeah," he answered. "Like that."
Aside from their meddling in his nonexistent love life, Dazai really did appreciate his friends. Even when they made fun of him relentlessly, even when they insinuated that he had feelings for Chuuya of all things, they were still the best family Dazai had ever had— would ever have. Dazai didn't love easily, but even so he loved his friends more than his eight-year-old 'orphaned' self ever could have comprehended.
That was more than enough for Dazai. Romantic entanglements were excessive and unnecessary, so why should he bother? He only had so much love to give, anyway.
▝■▙▚▛■▜▞▟■▘
It was the Thursday before their winter break began, and Dazai was stuck at Bar Lupin with Akutagawa of all people.
He was technically done with midterms, since he'd already turned in papers for both psychology andhistory of war. Attending class tomorrow was simply a formality, and Dazai was willing to bet he'd get out of each class early, anyway.
The bar was busier than usual, since many other students had finished their midterms as well and were celebrating the start of their winter break. Dazai wished he could join in; he was immensely relieved to be done with everything, especially the anatomy exam. He had yet to learn his grade, but he thought he'd done okay, and Chuuya had seemed relatively confident as well. Dazai would honestly be shocked if either of them were to fail, given the sheer amount of effort they'd put into studying for the exam.
Dazai absentmindedly put together drink after drink, largely ignoring Akutagawa's presence. He didn't bother Dazai as much as when he'd started working, but he was still Dazai's least favorite co-worker by far. Oda had a soft spot for him, so Dazai at least pretended to be civil, but secretly he thought Akutagawa needed to grow a spine.
"Wipe down the bar while I grab the scotch," Dazai ordered him now before heading to the backroom. He didn't need to look at Akutagawa to know he was doing exactly what Dazai had asked of him.
When he returned, Akutagawa was still cleaning. It was getting close to the end of their shift, and the bar had cleared out a bit, giving Dazai a bit of space to breathe. His skin felt tight, and the air in the bar was heavy and stale, making him want to scream.
Luckily, Taneda showed up right at 10 to relieve Akutagawa and Dazai. They headed upstairs to the changing room without exchanging a word. Dazai finished changing first, and he was practically out the door when he heard Akutagawa say, hesitantly, "Can I ask you something, Dazai-san?"
Dazai sighed and turned to face Akutagawa. "I suppose I can spare a minute. No longer than that, though."
"I'll make it quick," Akutagawa assured him.
"Whatever," muttered Dazai. "Go on, ask me."
"You're close with Nakajima, aren't you?" Akutagawa asked, not quite meeting Dazai's eyes.
"Sure," Dazai replied easily. "Why do you ask?"
Akutagawa fidgeted. "Has he ever mentioned liking anyone?"
Dazai stared at Akutagawa as the pieces clicked into place. Ah, so that's how it is, he realized. "Not explicitly," he said truthfully.
Akutagawa's face remained impassive. "Okay. That's all I wanted to know."
Dazai raised an eyebrow, smiling mockingly. "You sure? Seems like you're awfully interested in my Atsushi-kun. What are your intentions with him?"
Akutagawa sputtered. "It's not what you think," he insisted. "We don't even get along, let alone like that."
"You say that like it matters," Dazai replied.
Akutagawa's brow wrinkled. "Does it not?"
Dazai shrugged. "You can hate someone and still find them attractive."
"Huh," Akutagawa muttered. "Is that how it is with you and Chuuya?"
Dazai gave Akutagawa a cool look. "That's an awfully bold assumption."
Akutagawa's eyes narrowed. "It's not unfounded, though."
"In that case," Dazai said coldly, "you probably shouldn't take my advice. I have nothing good to offer, anyway."
"Wait," Akutagawa said desperately as Dazai began to turn back to the door. Dazai stalled, just curious enough to stick around. "Please," Akutagawa continued. "I need to know how it works."
Dazai stared at him. "I'm not giving you a gay sex talk."
Akutagawa's cheeks flushed. "That's not what I meant!"
"What did you mean, then?" Dazai asked pointedly.
Akutagawa was silent for a long moment. Then he asked, "How do the two of you get along?"
"Oh, that's easy," said Dazai. "We don't."
Akutagawa frowned. "That's not what it looks like to me."
"I don't care what it looks like to you," Dazai sighed. "Look, Akutagawa, I get that you're into Atsushi-kun, and that's…great, or whatever. That being said, I am not the right person to talk to about this kind of thing."
"Who is, then?" Akutagawa asked quietly.
Dazai groaned. "I don't know. Oda, maybe? Or," he added, tone sarcastic, "if you're willing to stop being a coward for once, you could just talk to Atsushi."
Akutagawa scowled. "I am not a coward—"
"You are," Dazai cut in, "but it's fine. Clear communication does wonders, you know."
"Is that your secret to getting along with Chuuya?" Akutagawa pushed.
"Sure, yeah, whatever," Dazai said, exasperated. "Point is, I can't help you, but maybe if you're willing to try, you can help yourself. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a dog at home that I need to feed." It wasn't entirely a lie; he had planned to get takeout with Chuuya after his shift.
Akutagawa looked unconvinced, but all he said was, "Apologies for keeping you."
"Yeah, yeah," Dazai said dismissively as he pushed open the door and stepped out into the—
Dazai stopped in his tracks as the door swung shut behind him. At some point during his shift, it had started snowing. Dazai stood perfectly still, taking in the scent of sharp coldness and the patchiness of the snow beginning to cover the sidewalk.
He forced himself to start moving after a moment, since he didn't want to risk running into Akutagawa again. The walk back to the dorm usually took him close to ten minutes, but tonight it took more than 20. Dazai couldn't seem to stop gawking at the snow as it fell in front of the streetlamps, and by the time he reached his destination, there was at least a good few centimeters on the ground.
"Chuuya!" Dazai exclaimed when he finally burst into the dorm room. "It's snowing!" He stood in the doorway, panting and dripping water on the carpet.
Chuuya gave him a look. "I noticed. Are we still getting takeout?"
"Of course," Dazai said. "More importantly, when are we going to play in the snow?"
"Uh, maybe when there's more of it?" Chuuya replied sarcastically, tapping away at his phone. "How does Chinese sound?"
"Fine," Dazai said dismissively. "Come on, Chuuu-yaaa! Don't you want to go outside?"
Chuuya sighed. "Not particularly, but you're not going to give me a choice, are you?"
"Nope!" Dazai replied cheerfully. "Get the food from that place a few blocks away and we can pick it up instead of getting delivery."
"Fine," Chuuya muttered. "You're lucky I'm in a good mood."
"Oh yeah?" Dazai replied with a smirk. "I suppose I'll have to find a way to ruin it, then."
"Don't worry, you always manage somehow," Chuuya retorted.
Once he'd ordered their dinner, Chuuya grabbed his coat, shoes, and a ridiculously fluffy pink scarf that had apparently been a holiday gag gift (Dazai would have to thank Tachihara personally for that one) before following Dazai outside. Dazai watched his eyes grow wide and his mouth fall open slightly as he took in the snow. So even Chuuya isn't immune to such wonders, Dazai mused.
The snow fell more thickly now, sticking easily to every visible surface and blanketing the roads. Dazai and Chuuya walked slowly, since their order wouldn't be ready for a while and the restaurant was only a few minutes away. Also, Dazai was fairly certain that if he tried to walk any faster, he'd end up slipping, and he wasn't about to give Chuuya the satisfaction of seeing him fall.
They were halfway across campus when Dazai realized Chuuya wasn't beside him. "Chuuya?" He called, confused. He turned to look behind him—
WHAM.
The snowball hit him directly in the nose and broke apart, scattering down the front of his jacket. Dazai looked down at himself, surprised, and then lifted his eyes to look at Chuuya.
He wore the most smug expression Dazai had ever seen on him, which was simply not acceptable.
The problem was, Chuuya was an athlete, and Dazai was decidedly not. There was no use challenging him to a fight.
Dazai did it anyway.
The first snowball flew wide and missed Chuuya entirely, but the second hit him in the chest. Chuuya got in another headshot, and a hit to Dazai's shoulder. Then, just as Dazai knelt to make another snowball, Chuuya charged him, knocking him backwards into the snow and pinning him down. "Who's the loser now?" Chuuya jeered, hands circling Dazai's throat.
"Would a loser be enjoying this?" Dazai challenged, voice slightly strained.
Chuuya released Dazai at once, looking mildly disgusted. "Pervert."
"You like it."
Chuuya scoffed. "You wish. C'mon, I bet the food's almost ready." He pushed himself to his feet and waited as Dazai did the same.
"My hands are cold," Dazai complained as they started walking. "This is all your fault." He rubbed his palms together vigorously, but his fingers were hopelessly numb.
Chuuya rolled his eyes. "You're such a baby." He reached out and grabbed Dazai's left hand, wrapping it solidly in his own.
"Now my other hand feels even colder," Dazai whined.
"Stick it in your pocket or something," Chuuya replied. "I can't hold them both."
Dazai sighed forlornly. "That's too bad. Chuuya makes a terrible heater."
"Oi, who're you callin' a heater! I'll beat your ass—"
Dazai suppressed a smile as Chuuya continued to make threats they both knew he wouldn't carry out, not once removing his hand from Dazai's. Dazai usually wasn't a huge fan of hand holding, but for some reason he didn't mind it with Chuuya. Chuuya was so much warmer than Dazai; Dazai was just taking advantage of his body heat as a means of self-preservation, that was all there was to it.