Ethan sat across from General Skarnak the Skull-Splitter, who was currently frozen mid-snarl, flaming sword still raised, pupils slowly drifting in opposite directions like confused ceiling fans.
The makeshift "office" Z33-NA had set up was a scorched park bench, surrounded by rubble. A motivational poster lay half-buried nearby, reading: "Teamwork Makes the Scream Work."
Ethan cleared his throat and tapped the clipboard.
"So, uh... thank you for making time for this performance review."
Skarnak twitched.
"That wasn't sarcasm," Ethan added quickly. "This is all part of your mandatory quarterly evaluation, which you've missed for, let's see... three consecutive centuries."
Z33-NA floated nearby, projecting a holographic slideshow labeled "Employee Feedback Session: Hell Division, Section 3B". The first slide featured a pie chart labeled Reasons You're Terrifying. The largest slice read: Voice Too Loud.
"As your acting HR Manager," Ethan said, trying to ignore the smell of brimstone and barbecue, "my job is to ensure compliance with the OCE's Multiversal Employee Wellness Standards. I'd like to begin with a few strengths."
He flipped to Page 1.
"Strength One: You exhibit excellent initiative. You destroyed four cities this week before lunch. That's some real go-getter energy."
Skarnak's eyelid twitched.
"Strength Two: Your branding is very consistent. 'Skull-Splitter' is memorable. Marketable. Great for mugs."
Z33-NA beeped encouragingly.
"Strength Three: You yell with incredible projection. Have you considered guest lecturing?"
Skarnak gurgled through gritted teeth.
Ethan flipped the page.
"Now, a few areas for improvement."
Lightning flashed overhead.
"One: Please consider filing destruction permits in advance. While your rampages are technically on-brand, Operations has complained that you're blowing up things they haven't even finished evil-zoning yet."
"Two: Your entire squad has quit. One cited 'excessive motivational screaming.' Another wrote 'skull-counting is not a team-building exercise."
"Three: You've skipped every Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion training since the Black Plague."
Z33-NA zoomed forward and displayed a chart titled 'Skarnak's Cultural Sensitivity Score'. The graph was a flat line. Under it: "You cannot simply yell 'I respect you' louder and louder until people feel included."
Ethan sighed.
"Look, I get it. You're from a different time. A different management style. Possibly a different dimension made entirely of screaming lava. But you're not in this alone."
He leaned in.
"You have potential. Real... terrifying, pants-wetting potential. Let's channel that into constructive carnage."
Skarnak blinked once. Slowly. His sword dropped into his lap with a heavy clunk.
Then, with a low groan, the paralysis wore off.
The demon general stood slowly, towering over Ethan like a sentient volcano in a tie.
"I have never," Skarnak growled, "been insulted... complimented... and coached... at the same time."
Ethan didn't move. He just held up his clipboard like a priest holding garlic at a vampire.
"You want to fight me?" Skarnak said, eyes narrowing.
"Nope. I want to schedule you for a conflict resolution workshop and follow up with a 360-degree peer review."
There was a long pause.
Then Skarnak threw back his head and roared with laughter.
"YOU'RE INSANE."
"Statistically probable," Ethan replied.
"I LIKE THAT."
Skarnak clapped him on the back with enough force to dislodge two ribs.
"YOU SHALL BE MY NEW MANAGER!"
"I would rather not."
"TOO LATE!"
Z33-NA floated up.
"Congratulations. You have acquired your first direct report. Skarnak has been added to your org chart. He has also declared you his battle mentor. This cannot be undone."
Ethan groaned.
His clipboard pinged.
Org Chart Updated: Direct Reports – 1
Reward Unlocked: Budget Authority (Level 1)
You may now approve minor requisitions. Or snacks.
"This job," Ethan muttered, "is going to kill me."
Skarnak beamed.
"WE HAVE SNACKS?"