Freya squinted at the bright blue system screen hovering before her like a smug Windows update.
"Initializing New World Installation... Loading assets... Calibrating personality quirks..."
The words scrolled past, each one sounding more suspicious than the last.
"What is this, an IKEA manual or a reincarnation?" she muttered. Her foot hovered in an empty void, which she was pretty sure wasn't OSHA-compliant.
*Ding!*
A smaller notification popped up in her peripheral vision:
**\[NEW QUEST: TUTORIAL]**
Objective: Survive.
Reward: Continued existence. Maybe.
A second later, the void beneath her gave way like a broken escalator, and she plummeted downward screaming, "I KNEW I SHOULD'VE CLICKED 'SKIP TUTORIAL'!"
---
Freya landed face-first into a giant haystack with a sound that could only be described as a fart and a minor accordion incident. She lay there, limbs askew, while her dignity oozed out like jelly from a squashed donut.
"Ugh. Respawn me now, please," she groaned into the hay.
*Ding!*
**\[Fall Damage: 0 HP]**
**\[Style Penalty: -5 Charisma]**
She rolled over with the grace of a sleepy walrus, blinking at the absurdly blue sky above. Floating there, unbothered by her hay-covered misery, was the same pixelated system screen.
**WELCOME TO: TERRARIA VITA**
"Okay. That definitely sounds like a bootleg game I would've torrented in college," she muttered.
The screen flickered again:
**Would you like to begin the tutorial?**
Options:
1. Yes
2. No, I'm a genius who needs no instructions
3. Cry softly into a turnip
Freya hit Option 3 out of sheer spite.
Immediately, a turnip materialized in her hand. It had eyes. And a tiny handkerchief.
"It's okay," it whispered. "Let it out."
"NOPE." She chucked the turnip into the haystack.
*Ding!*
**\[Turnip has joined your party.]**
**\[Name: Emotional Support Root Vegetable]**
**\[Class: Therapist]**
Freya stared at the notification for a long moment.
"I'm going to need more therapy than this."
---
After the emotional turnip incident, Freya was finally dragged into the tutorial proper. Not literally. Though it *did* try to yoink her by the ankle with a glowing lasso of pure digital irritation.
The world around her shifted like a cheap VR simulation. Trees popped into existence one polygon at a time, a suspiciously green meadow unfolded beneath her feet, and a distant castle appeared with a cartoon "pop!" noise.
"Tutorial Guide incoming," the system intoned.
A pillar of light descended, followed by... a chicken.
It strutted toward her proudly, wearing a monocle, a sash that said "TUTORIAL EXPERT," and a deeply judgmental expression.
"Greetings, Newbie! I am Cluckles von Tutorial, Esq., and I shall be your guide to surviving Terraria Vita," the chicken said, in a voice that sounded like someone trying too hard to be British.
Freya blinked. "A chicken? Really?"
"Don't let my poultry exterior deceive you. I am a highly intelligent being—"
She poked him. "You're molting."
"I'm *undergoing a transformation arc*, thank you very much. Now hush. We begin with movement. Please walk ten paces forward."
Freya took a single step and tripped over a rock. She landed on her face.
"Excellent form!" Cluckles chirped. "You've triggered your first hidden stat: Graceful Disaster."
*Ding!*
**\[New Trait Unlocked: Graceful Disaster]**
You fall a lot, but somehow make it look vaguely intentional. +5 Luck, -10 Pride.
"Of course," Freya muttered, brushing dirt off her tongue.
---
The next hour was a blur of absurdity.
She was taught to use a sword by stabbing a training dummy that suspiciously resembled her boss from her old job.
She learned magic by shooting sparks from her fingertips—until she sneezed mid-cast and accidentally lit a tree on fire. Cluckles applauded this as "creative combat."
She attempted crafting by combining a rock and a stick and somehow made a weapon called the *Mildly Annoying Club of Inconvenience*.
**\[Weapon: Mildly Annoying Club of Inconvenience]**
Damage: 1-2 (emotional)
Special Effect: Makes enemies rethink their life choices.
"I could've used this in customer service," she muttered.
---
Eventually, they reached a hill overlooking a quaint little village. It was the kind of place that would've made a great Windows XP wallpaper.
"Behold," Cluckles said dramatically, flapping his wings. "The starter town: Cringevale."
Freya blinked. "Sorry, did you say *Cringevale*?"
"Indeed. Named after the ancient elven phrase meaning 'we ran out of cool names.'"
In the distance, an old man chased a goat through the streets while yelling something about cheese taxes.
Freya sighed. "At least it's not boring."
"You will now receive your starter class. Please choose wisely."
A glowing wheel appeared in front of her, spinning like a game show.
Options included:
* Warrior
* Mage
* Rogue
* Unpaid Intern
* Cheese Whisperer
* Necrobarista
Freya hesitated. "What's a Necrobarista?"
"You summon the dead to make you coffee," Cluckles said.
"Sold."
*Ding!*
**\[Class Selected: Necrobarista]**
You now possess the power to summon caffeinated corpses. Perks include:
* Espresso Resurrection
* Undead Latte Foam
* Loyalty Punch Card
"This is either the worst or the best decision I've ever made," Freya muttered.
Cluckles flapped once. "Excellent. Your tutorial is now complete."
*Ding!*
**\[QUEST COMPLETE: Tutorial]**
Reward: One (1) Bag of Questionable Loot
Penalty: Lifelong emotional scarring
A sack dropped in front of her. Inside was a rubber chicken sword, a haunted coffee mug, and a scroll labeled "In Case of Emergency, Scream."
"So... what now?" Freya asked.
Cluckles adjusted his monocle. "Now, dear player, you face the real world. Monsters, rival guilds, ominous prophecies... and worse, side quests."
Freya stared at the village.
A child was juggling fireballs while an elderly elf knitted chainmail.
Her turnip therapist was doing breathing exercises.
She exhaled slowly. "...Y'know what? Bring it on."