Unexpected meetings are so magical, we either get some memories or someone ….
Meeting him was a coincidence but falling for him was not, started off on the wrong foot tried to make it right but as we know fate always does the opposite. He's someone I don't understand, he's so stubborn, does what he likes, says he cares, says I'm too moody, cracks open my wounds, manipulates situations, what not makes me reconsider my decisions
It was a normal relation like all we used to hang up pretty often, we hate our guts, too similar in our experiences made us close, we do fight a lot over silly things got no reason actually, then one day suddenly he changed I don't know what made him change but let's say may be he want to get over everything, well that was good .. yea I thought the same but I became his escape, he started hitting me off on a different nerve not like I'm complaining I didn't stop him I let him use me , it went like that for a few months but getting to know him, spending time with him, seeing all his different personalities made me fall for him , I got greedy I wanted him for myself I know I'm selfish I know he shouldn't be mine but I MADE HIM MINE…
May be that's when things started going off road, I let him walk all over me when I clearly promised myself never to put someone above me, I broke my promise AGAIN. He wanted to focus on his career but I was his distraction, now..now..now.. ladies we know where it's going , said he needs time off to achieve all his goals guess I'm not included maybe I am but was not the priority, said he got a lot on his plate asked me to understand and yes I did like usual.
I didn't ask for much, I crave love, want someone to treat me as their whole world, wished to experience those novel type of love guess I'm not that lucky, maybe I'm the problem, it's me who's hurting others I guess.. else why would no one love me am I that unlovable…GOD IT HURTS… please don't ..don't let me go through all the hurt again I can't be sure if I can heal the wounds again.
He makes plans for our future makes me do things which I'm against says that it's for us, I'm happy he thinks about us but that bliss will only last until he makes me feel like I don't even matter, he could lift me up to the moon and bring me down to my grave in a split second I wonder how I fell for him but then again when was my taste so good. He plans our outings, will be excited to do things, but never the gentleman, guess I got another boy, he'll be lovey dovey in private but acts as if we are nothing but friends, oh did I say.. He never asked me out, I woke up one day and I became his never complained about that but wish I did may be then he wont think I'm too easy. I am even jealous of his friends, family, everyone who gets to be with him, he speaks out what bothers him but I don't I know it's wrong but with all that I went through I don't know how'll he react I'm afraid I'll make a mistake, I just don't wanna ruin this.
He would understand me but he can't get me, went through this once don't want to go through it again, maybe he's different is what I thought but there we go again he started acting different my senses kicked in noticed the way he started making our conversation limited, would say he's busy but have time for others guess I'm boring comes to me only when he want to be loved, leaves me in a dilemma YES I KNOW we started it off wrong made him use me but didn't think would affect me this much, he's aware of the fact it's wrong to go on but we are still clinging onto each other pretending that nothing is wrong, we are suffering but won't let go of each other, he went through a lot got many scars I know I shouldn't ask for more I know I should let him heal take his time then come to me but maybe I don't think asking to be loved is too much to ask, he's free to do what he wants to do no one is stopping him but can't he think about me once in a while I know I am his distraction but I don't just want to be a distraction I want to be his everything I know what he has for me is not actually what he states he has, it hurts but that's the truth. I'm okay with that I can't force someone to love me but at least he should've let me know what he's actually thinking of me. He acts possessive sometimes but doesn't even care the next, it's like a switched personality, says I belong to him but never try to prove that I belong to him, would be fine without me cauz I'm just a distraction never his to being with.. all these days I waited for him thinking it would be worthy in the end just to end up regretting all my decisions. He matters but I don't never understood the logic , yes he comes back just to let me know that it's me who the problem is, I'm clear headed until he speaks up I feel like "yes my mistake again" pretty much sure he makes me feel like shit he would remind me how I AM THE ONE who always start fights who always finds wrong in everything make excuses for everything..
Guess my guy was dumb can't blame him, cause I never expressed myself clearly for him to understand me he thinks he knows yea he sure does just the tip of the iceberg not the hell I went through to become the me who I am right now, left people like they don't matter, cut all my relations didn't let anyone inside my wall yet here I am making him walk all over him, yet there he is not trying to understand as to why I am starting a fight as to what made me feel like act this way, as to I always make excuses. Ain't gonna lie about it but he did ask me why but you know he didn't wish to know why, he just asked why there's a difference and yes I care about it unless and until he truly feel like knowing about me I don't want another person to let in with my weakness and he never cared… yes it hurt, hurt like shit, but I stayed acted like I am fine never did he suspect guess he never bothered to do so.
I started pretending that everything is fine, but it didn't last long the silence is so loud that I couldn't pretend anymore, always on edge thinking it would all be over, waiting for him to speak just to be relieved my anxiety is hitting the top, on the surface I look cool and calm but deep down I'm fighting the demons wished the storm would pass soon and we will go back to normal, days are passing as I'm growing more insane, it's getting hard to even keep my composure cool everyone's thinking I'm crazy yet I don't know why he didn't ask me what's going on or what's wrong, started manipulating myself thinking I'm doing a good job pretending when I'm slowly drowning into the depths of hell , going insane as day goes by, started obsessing over him.. every bit of him was my craving his moods speaks my day his behavior speaks how my emotions are, OH GOD it's here again the crazy me who I detest, where I would defy the reality and act on my instincts, hope he overlooks all these.. but I want him to notice me I want him to come to me ask me understand me listen to me.. why though why is he not doing that… it hurts my heart feels heavy it aches at the thought of him I want him …. God why me why always me what did I do to deserve this didn't I love him didn't I shower him with care affection attention, where did I go wrong I gave him more than what he deserves but why is it that I'm suffering now why only me.. God you are not fair…..
He came to me one day saying he needs to speak with me I don't know but my gut warned me to be ready to act strong he started speaking how we met what we went through, I immersed in those memories foolishly thinking he may have realized how dumb he acted until now was waiting for him to say those words so I could finally hug him tight and cry in his arms kissing him …. But it didn't go like what I imagined he spoke as if he's guilty for using me, but that's not correct right we are made for each other right!! What is he speaking is he crazy.. he's speaking as if he never going to see me again, he's apologizing for everything but that is not I want though, I speak back saying we can fix this but why are you trying to leave.. he looks at me helplessly with those eyes that said they don't want me anymore, I feel nauseous he says we cant go back anymore says it would never work between us he wanted to put us both out of this misery.. but did he ask me did he ever think about me!! My mind is blank I left him saying nothing ….
I want to go home…. Home where is home I don't know anymore my heart is broken again could say it doesn't work anymore it hurts my soul went back to my room covered myself in my safe place cried my heart out didn't feel like doing anything didn't want to see anyone locked myself in the room, I may be a sour eye spot cause no one checked up on me made me drown in endless agony, after a week of locking myself up I went out for the first time in a while thought of going somewhere where I could distract myself from his memories, went hiking but never knew that would be my invitation to hell in literal how amusing.. I fell down while hiking guess my bones aint strong enough to keep up the onlookers sent me to hospital I don't know why I went through a lot of checks ups than usual after a day of confining to my ward room the doctor came he asked about my guardians said I got none he looks sad idk but I feel like he's sad for me, don't worry I'm used to it is what I thought to say but I stopped myself, he started speaking about my condition but he speaking something about further surgery and treatments I don't understand him, I look at him asked him what are you speaking about doc.. he lowers his head took his sweet time then spoke that I GOT CANCER which is in last stage, I laughed at him saying him to stop joking, guess that's my first time laughing again but the doc didn't laugh with me, the nurses looked at me with pity the doc eyes stayed same he's sad, I hated them my anger rising through my guts I shouted them pushed them off my room locked myself, broke all the things I could find cried myself to sleep, woke up with my mind blank went to the doc asked how did I even get infected he says genetic blamed my f***kin ancestor's asked him why didn't I feel anything ..oh god u aint going to believe what he said it got no symptoms unless I get checked myself yearly WOW how amusing I laughed again with nothing to feel, came back to my apartment .. my so called friends came to me saying lets party I didn't push them went along drunk myself until I vomit blood … they look terrified by the sight of me coughing blood, idk the look on their faces is amusing I got admitted again, the same doc now he looks angry oo someone touched his nerve I guess, my eyes are heavy I want to sleep, suddenly I saw him he's here my heart raced why is he here is it not enough to make me hurt he want to see me being hurt too how cruel can he be.. why god why are you so unfair to me … my body is heavy the doc eyes are wet guess my time has come I want to see his but I don't want to regret I closed my eyes wishing for the reaper to come soon just to relieve me from this agony… may be in next life I wish to live peaceful god…
SAYONARA