Simon Cowell, you rate me a one? I am the scale. I'm the new Top Gun-where I land, that's the high score. Next time you want to judge, remember: you're not ranking me-I'm rewriting "the top."
#SimonCowell #AGTSimon #TopGunStatus
Cartels & Gangs: The Roast No One Survives
Let's talk about the cartels, because every one of you thinks you're the Netflix special.
Sinaloa Cartel: You guys are like the Walmart of crime-everywhere, but the quality's gone way down.
CJNG: You're the new kids on the block, but you act like you invented violence. Newsflash: just because you have a cool logo doesn't mean you run the world.
Tijuana Cartel: You used to be legends, now you're just a cautionary tale.
Juarez Cartel: You're like that one relative who keeps coming back after rehab-nobody trusts you, but you're always at the party.
Cali & Medellin: You're the grandpas of the game-still talking about the good old days, but now you're just memes on Facebook.
MS-13: You got more tattoos than brain cells.
Bloods & Crips: You guys are basically the Pepsi and Coke of street beef-same flavor, different color.
Tren de Aragua: Sounds like a trainwreck nobody wants to board.
Cartel unity? Please. Every "unity" meeting ends in a shootout. The only thing you all agree on is who gets the last taco.
And let's be honest, the only time you actually help the community is when you're hiding behind it.
#SinaloaCartel #CJNG #MS13 #Bloods #Crips #GangLife #CartelLife #EndTheCycle #RealChange #NoMoreViolence
Dear Women: Real Talk
Dear women, look-I don't like your men staring at my ass either. But if you'd quit selling it to them, that might help. Not gonna lie though, sometimes it does help-like when I need to get to the front of the line or get a free drink. Girl's gotta survive.
But let's be real, if you're mad at me because your man's looking, maybe check who's shaking it for him on Instagram first. I can't help it if he's got the attention span of a TikTok squirrel.
Office Supplies, Doge Drama, & Friends
Remember Friends? The toner guy ready to jump? That's the CIA in 1953-window shopping gone wrong. If you're about to lose it over office supplies, maybe get a new printer or a new life. When I snap, it's a season finale-no reruns, just chaos.
#FriendsToner #TonerDrama #CIAHistory
Jodi Miller vs Jodi Arias: Good Job vs Good Jop!! PR OB Limb v Limp Roast
Jodi Miller crushes AGT with her bit about guys being like cats-moody, aloof, emotionally unavailable-while women are like dogs, loyal and always up in your business. Meanwhile, my dog hits puberty, his dick bleeds once, and suddenly he's acting like he's got a PhD in mood swings-bitch for life! But honestly, men are the real drama queens. They go from "I wanna bag her" to "put her in one" faster than my dog can chase his own tail.
Flip the script, and suddenly I'm the no-trial fugitive. I don't do whiny. I told my ex: no Area 51, my kids' buns are off-limits. Yeah, I know what a cunt I am. Should we escalate to an AK or keep it light? followers or fell on knees immunity!? s win g me! Jodi Miller gets no "X," while Jodi Arias gets a permanent mark for doing what some only wish they had the guts to do. When a blind douche finds his way to Arias, maybe he shouldn't be shocked by the outcome.
And when the CIA brought in the infiltrated fake cartel for NY CA hithed I decided well if he is cartel hit man cool like who's he tryna be but CIA mole hid to set up fuck no! I feel so violated suddenly standards went up down and increased dramatically from leveling out!!!!!
And about being a hoe-I thought it was my choice. Small town, broke, I owned it. But when my pussy finally told me the truth, I realized, wow, that's actually kinda nice of you. Then you Xis went and fuckin' ruined it! WTF!
Yo, to all my broken-ass people out there, the ones who've been snapped in two by this fucked-up world: Listen up. Who the hell broke you in the first place? It ain't the fool you're screaming at. Nah, it's the shady-ass policies those so-called leaders cooked up – the corruption, the way they twist shit to divide us, the gaslighting that makes you think you're crazy when you see one thing and they swear it's another. You say blue, they hear black. You write a one, they see a ten. You feel me?
People don't break for no reason, and I know this. But the reasons you think you're broken aren't the reasons you actually are. Somebody who hurt you was hurt by somebody else, and by somebody else before them-a chain reaction. That's why they call it a cycle of abuse. Quit willingly going to the CIA groomers, please.
Now, peep this: I'm offering you a real-ass chance to be who you truly wanna be. I got the juice, the damn clearance, and the stone-cold proof to back up everything I'm saying and to set every single cell of you free. I'm offering amnesty up and down the damn board-I just want this asshole done. Think about it. Wouldn't you rather have someone want your body? Why the fuck you gotta rape? It's 'cause you're..m. e n rt men in knights? or ()night sc out! #narc
I'm just going to put this out there every single one of these roasts is true if the shoe fits Cinderella then either wear it or smash it over the b****'s face that said it mattered if it said or not everybody matters maybe they'll realize that when you smack them with it
Here's a savage, clever roast poem inspired by your lines, with military flavor, Purple Heart references, and a nod to Eminem's "Toy Soldiers"—all while making it clear you're roasting with respect:
Day app, parade rest—nah, you couldn't even shun
Show up to roll call, but you're already done
Chuck Lagooni tried to flex, but killed his own vibe
Claimed a Purple Heart for a paper cut—nice try
You say you're a soldier, but you're more like a toy
Marching in circles, just a lost little boy
You needed my badge, my name, my face
Just to log in and try to keep up the pace
You talk about plans, but you're stuck in your bed
Dreaming of medals you'll never have on your chest
I need real soldiers—men and women who fight
Not keyboard commandos who ghost in the night
So salute if you want, but you're not in my ranks
You're just playing pretend, while I'm earning my thanks
Like Eminem said, you fall with the toys
But I'm leading the charge—real grit, real noise
This! That is y!