My heart was boiling with rage but he was too ignorant to notice. My entire being was fed up but he was just too busy to notice. I was tired, both emotionally and mentally but he was too drunk to notice. I was too weak and too tired but he was too distant to notice. I was falling apart every second in his presence but he barely noticed. I was dying slowly on the inside but he never noticed. I was slowly losing myself to depression but of course he never noticed. According to him everything was fine. According to him, we were fine. According to him, I was fine.
If only he could see the pain behind my smile that he caused. I love him, always had and always will but this isn't love. Love is supposed to put a smile on your face not be the reason behind your tears.
I can't continue like this. I'm no longer the person I used to be. I'm no longer the bubbly Nobuhle Sibiya that I used to be. I'm sure my enemies are rejoicing over my downfall. This isn't life. This isn't living. The human being in me died the moment he first laid his hands on me. My soul died the moment he first forced himself on me. I'm just a walking corpse waiting for my heart to stop beating and finally be at peace.
***
A week passed and Sizwe was the most loving man ever. I also made him believe that I forgave him and completely forgot about everything that happened between us. He never allowed me to leave the house even to go to the shop. It was a Friday and I knew that he was gonna leave me here once again so I thought of a plan.
"Babe I need some painkillers for my scar it's really painful today." I said as I held the scar on my chest where he stabbed me a couple of weeks ago.
"Okay my love. I'll go," he said as he made his way to the wardrope where his wallet was located.
"I need razors also. I want to shave," I said to him and he nodded his head in response.
"Do you need anything else from the shop mama?" he asked seductively as he walked back to where I was sitting.
"No baby. I'm fine," I said and faked a smile.
He stood right in front of me soon after and looked at me with a smile on his face.
"Do you have any idea just how much I love you, mama?" he asked and I just smiled in response.
"Come here, mama," he whispered and started to kiss me. I quickly pulled out of the kiss as soon as I got flashbacks of him stabbing me on my stomach.
"We'll do that later… um… just go to the shop already," I said jokingly and giggled. I wore a wide smile on my face that suddenly disappeared when he left my sight. Tears stung my eyes once again but I managed to pull them back in.
After a few seconds of looking at me seductively he went to the shop and locked the door on his way out. I waited for him to come back and he did after a few minutes. I immediately went to the toilet and shaved as quickly as I could and made my way to the kitchen while he was taking a nap with his Okapi in his hand as usual. I hid the razor in the chair he always ties me in whenever he leaves the house.
After about an hour he received a call from one of his friends and so for things to go according to my plan I had to start an argument.
"Who was that?" I asked as I stood in front of him.
"Sipho," he simply responded and continued to look at his phone.
I quickly grabbed it from his hands and threw it on the floor. Fortunately it didn't break.
"Oh so you want to leave me here again? Huh?" I asked. Before I could utter yet another word, a slap landed on my cheek.
"Don't you dare talk to me like that, bitch!" He yelled.
"Or what?" I asked as I held my cheek with my hand. Tears immediately rolled over my cheeks.
"You know what! You know exactly what. Now pick up that phone and prepare some clothes for me to wear…" I interjected immediately.
"Over my dead body!" I snapped.
"Mh. You know I can kill you anytime, right? And guess what? No one is gonna look for you mama. No one. You forget that I know everything about you. I know damn sure that your family doesn't care about you. Infact, they will celebrate once they hear that you are dead. Nx. Talking about over your dead body. Do you know what I'll do over your body? I'll still fuck you. I'll fuck your dead body and when I'm satisfied I'll start chopping you like meat. When I'm done I'm gonna put some in the fridge and I'll cook some of you. I'll take a pan, add some cooking oil, chop some onion and green pepper, add rajah and some spices then add your chopped meat in the hot pan. Jesus, I can even imagine the smell of that. I will then let you fry for like 30 minutes then add some soup. After 5 minutes I'll start eating you. I can even feel the taste in my tongue right now. Mh, can't wait," he said.
I froze for a second while my eyes were widely opened. I could feel my bladder getting filled up soon after. I was scared for my life. Goosebumps rose on my skin and my heart couldn't stop pounding super hard against my chest. It was as if it was gonna come right out of my mouth. I was so terrified that I started to shake. I don't know when he walked towards me but when I glanced up my eyes locked with his blood thirsty eyes. The tears that were threatening to come out of my eyes a while ago were already on the floor. His deep and terrifying voice made me fear for my life. Blood froze in my veins as his words replayed in my head followed by his creepy laughter. I was sweating, my armpits were itchy. I was terrified.
The next thing that I felt was his hands on my neck strangling me. I couldn't breathe and I couldn't even scream no matter how hard I tried.
I fought him until I managed to free myself. I took my time to breathe once again but while I was still gasping for air he started strangling me once again.
"Nx. Bitch! You think you're stronger than me? Huh? I'll show you who I am! I am Sizwe you bitch!" he said while strangling me. Once again I managed to free myself. This time, I was coughing and inhaling deep breaths.
"I'm gonna show you who I am. Bitch!" he yelled as he tried to fix his phone.
"Sizwe please… I'm sorry, please," I apologized. I was starting to regret even thinking of trying to fight with him. I wished I could take back time and just let him be instead of thinking of a plan that might as well just get me killed.