Questions entangled my feet like the rusty chains of the past. I saw the face before me gradually illuminate and transform into a familiar shape. As I looked at that face, all sounds fell silent like a clarinet.
A weight settled on my heart.
I writhed with a pain that enveloped my heart entirely. My pain was fresh. So was my wound. I didn't know what to do. Lights were bouncing off that familiar forehead.
I was abandoning myself.
Time and space passed through each other mercilessly.
My memories were torn apart as if cut with scissors. All my healthy thoughts died one by one.
Suddenly, the İpek in front of me began to speak.
It was me.
I remembered that in the first match, there wouldn't be a competition with different people. There was a timid expression on the face of the one before me.
Meeting my own gaze made me nauseous.
So, I was going to clash with myself to get to know myself.
Her eyebrows, the dark green in her eyes. Like in the depths of a forest. Like walking in a metallic forest, my heart ticking... She began to explain:
"The name of our game is 'Don't Think About the Marble.' Here's a mechanism. A marble rests in a chamber above. We have to decide, from the lowest probability to the highest, into which of the five chambers below it will fall. If even one of our probability rankings is wrong," she said, raising her index finger, "we lose."
"When will we make the rankings?"
"Yes, great question," she said, looking at me somewhat ambitiously. The fear of meeting your own gaze was something else. This feeling wasn't belonging. It was estrangement.
"After the ball starts rolling, we have thirty seconds. At the fifteenth second, exactly halfway, we'll arrange the cards. During this time, we need to watch the mechanism quite skillfully. Each path's length and width are different. Do you understand?"
After finishing her sentence, she fixed her green glows on me.
My skin tingled. "I understand," I said in a dull voice.
Just then, the murmur behind the stage ceased, and two men in white coats brought the mechanism set up on a table before us. There was a ball chamber and rolling slides consisting of various twists. Every part of me burned with flames.
A voice speaking through a microphone was heard from somewhere to my rear left. "The game rules have been explained by one of the players."
Cards were laid out before us in a deck.
The official at the podium spoke again. "If players win the game, they receive a 'Foresight' point. The foresight point protects you from future dangers and allows you to calculate your steps, understand the true intentions of the opponent. The game is about to begin. Are both sides ready?"
I locked eyes with the reflection standing in front of me. Then, slowly, I nodded. "I'm ready."
"I'm ready," echoed the voice behind me.
A countdown appeared on the screen stand. A huge number 3. I held my breath. The air escaped from my chest. 2. A terrifying two. It looked enormous in my eyes. Then came the number 1, followed by the announcement: "Beginning." The chute holding the marbles opened, and they shot out—five of them. Each one would fall into one of the slots. They entered a network of slides forming a maze. It was impossible to tell which path led where. Everything was as murky as the waters of a foggy past.
Three seconds passed, and I couldn't see the marble.
My opponent had her hand resting against her chin, carefully observing the mechanism.
With a mix of fear, I took a deep breath and looked ahead. My muscles ached. A sharp pain pierced my temples.
Seven seconds had passed.
I still had no decision.
I had to make a choice at the fifteenth second.
But I couldn't see anything... The mechanism was like a sticky web spun by a spider. I didn't know what led where.
"We're at the 10th second. Decide on your outcome," the announcer said.
My whole body started trembling. I didn't even know if I could do it.
Just a few more seconds.
"Place the cards in five seconds!"
I quickly flipped over five cards and arranged them in the order that flashed through my mind.
I believed the marble would first fall into hole number four. I placed the others in logical sequence: 3-2-5-1-4. Number 4 had the highest probability. Number 3 had the lowest—it looked far too long. I couldn't believe I was entrusting my life to something that felt like a gamble. What logic was there in this? Was this ridiculous match really what would determine my life?
I wanted to bury my head in my hands.
She had placed her cards as well.
Most of mine were sloppily arranged on the glass. My fingers had slipped. I was shaking all over from panic.
Seconds spilled over each other like sand.
When I opened my eyes, a "clack" sound echoed. The marble... I widened my eyes and held my breath. The marble had landed in slot number 4. Then came two more clacks. My breathing grew heavy. My heart was pounding in my mouth. The smallest mistake could cost everything. My whole life. When I saw it fall into number 2 next, I screamed in fear. One tiny mistake... Everything was ruined. My opponent... I shut my eyes for the rest of the marble drops. Fate had already been written.
Seconds later, I looked at the screen in the back. I checked the numbers I saw once more. She had lost too. She had made a mistake as well. I had mixed up the order of three numbers. She had only misplaced one. Her eyes stared at me with fierce determination. But our fate was written the same. We both lost.
"Both players have lost according to the All or Nothing rule. The Foresight Point goes to neither party. If both players wish, the game may be replayed."
"Yes," said the reflection in front of me with a cold voice.
Was that cold voice... mine?
"I want to play again, do you?" she asked, biting her lip. "Don't you want to?"
I raised my hand and turned to the podium. "If one player loses and the other wins... what happens to the loser?"
Whispers rose from the hall.
"How can she not know the answer to that?"
"Ridiculous!"
"Why are you even standing there then?"
I frowned and turned toward the podium. The woman standing there responded with a stern expression."If you lose, you will never be able to possess that trait in your new life. But you have infinite chances to try again."
My stomach tightened. It felt like a ten-kilometer-deep pit was being dug inside me. Earth was being shoveled out, and pieces of my soul torn with it. I trembled. I clenched my fists. Infinite chances? Against infinite odds?
"Foresight," I murmured. My voice vanished like a faded tone echoing through the cellars of my soul.
The metallic sound of the endlessly falling marble scraped against my ears. It was as terrifying as a life lived over and over again.
Infinity boiled inside me, evaporating like warm water.
It gurgled, and the steam blurred my vision, never once dispersing.
Within that boiling haze, I looked into my opponent's eyes. Was that truly me? Was my opponent—İpek—actually myself? Those green eyes... were they part of me, or a vortex that belonged entirely to her? Every second of her gaze pulled me further away from the game. My sight dimmed. For a moment, I thought she flickered like a hologram. But my eyes told me otherwise. The image was sharp—solid, like a statue that could never crumble.
No, she was real.
Would I continue competing against myself? Was the only path to remaking myself to defeat... myself? I looked at the yellow hair, the melancholic eyes. She was in pain, but she was defiant—just like me. She, too, stood only with herself.
Somewhere inside me, a rage wanted to be born. Maybe it was the anger I had for all the weakness, the submission, the obedience I had lived. It was a burning energy, strong enough to melt steel. I returned to the life of that girl, the one bullied in high school. We had lived the same things. She was me. Yet also, she was a tougher opponent. Just yesterday, it was as if she had been watching me cry.
Her eyes trembled, and with a vicious grin, she slammed her hand onto the table."You haven't answered," she said, as if her patience had finally snapped. Her stare was as hard as stone, as smooth as paper."Isn't this just absurd to you, too? We both want a future, and no matter what—until we pass this level..." She toyed with the cards on the table. Despite her pathetic state, was she bluffing? More importantly, was this just a gamble? No—it had to have a method. A strategy. Simply laying down cards couldn't be the only way.
"You have to play."
I remembered the moment in high school when I agreed to play golf with Kale a second time. I almost backed out—despite all the consequences. Would my heart be able to bear it? That fleeting desire chosen on impulse, or by obligation?
"No," I said, my voice trembling.
No matter what the consequences, I couldn't stop myself.
Her gaze turned blank, and fell over me like a glacier. Her brows lifted, and in that state, she looked like a draft sketch of a tyrant. I was afraid of her fury. There was something in her emotions that I shared—an indescribable pain. Desperation. It was ripping me from myself."What?" she asked.
"No," I shouted through sobs.
Once again, I had become that pitiful person.
"I can't do this," I cried. It felt like I owed her an answer. No—myself. Tears welled in my eyes, falling heavy and slow down my cheeks. Each one a stone with sharp weight. The İpek across from me looked at me with disappointment. Her eyes narrowed."You can't do this?" she repeated. Her gaze scanned the cards on the table."Are you really that pathetic?"
Her eyes were like daggers.
I hadn't known I could be so terrifying.
I never imagined she'd throw herself across the table and grab me by the collar."What do you mean no?!" she screamed, shaking me. Her look pierced my heart. I stayed in that moment for what felt like an eternity, and no one intervened."You will accept this," she said, continuing to shake me."Do you hear me, damn it?! Are you listening to me?!"
She kept shaking me, saying something I couldn't hear clearly. And with those eyes, with everything—her grip, even the hidden mercy behind her cruelty—she was different from me. She was stronger than I was.
When she stepped down from the table, my knees collapsed onto the cold stage floor. My eyes were on the ground, my head bowed. I hadn't lost yet, but I was already yielding to her. I wanted to clench my fists, but I couldn't find a shred of strength within me. The way she looked at me left me speechless.
At one point, her power seemed to vanish—as if someone had unplugged an iron and it had gone cold. There were tears in her eyes too. The woman at the podium approached me with a stern expression and asked sharply, "Do you accept?"
I didn't know what to say. If I didn't continue… I would be stuck in this loop forever. I wanted to escape this game. With every fiber of my being. From myself, too. From my cursed fate. From so many things. But I couldn't decide which I wanted to escape most.
I nodded faintly. "Yes," I said weakly, trembling as I cried. I placed my hands on the floor and tried to push myself up.
As soon as I stood, I staggered. I felt like I had lost my way. The stage's bright lights hurt my eyes. Everything went quiet. The countdown began. Three seconds. Three seconds that would destroy everything like an earthquake.
Shivering, I watched the countdown end. A bell rang. The marbles shot from the chute and rolled onto the ramps. This was a different game, requiring a different kind of insight. Everything was different now. I tried to watch the marbles carefully. My thoughts were tangled. I knew nothing. I wished someone from the future could show me the way. I had even let myself believe in such a fantastical idea.
I missed the marbles clattering along the ramps. My eyes blinked open and closed. All the slides looked the same. I had no idea what to do.
"Now arrange the cards! You have five seconds!"
I arranged the cards quickly—so fast and with such pain that I almost cried. This meaningless game… it seemed like it was going to take my life away from me. And then, in that moment, his face appeared before me—Ayaz. A silhouette in the mist. I had trusted him. How could I have known he'd invite me into a game like this? From now on... I couldn't trust anyone.
One of the tears rolling down my cheek fell onto card number 2.
Time stopped. I lost my breath. I didn't dare look at the marbles.
I was terrified—utterly terrified.
The slot where the marble would soon fall would be the true symbol of my fate.
How was I supposed to endure the result, when even the thought of it destroyed me?
How could I open my eyes wide and check if everything was okay?
With a sharp pain in my stomach, I stared at the cards I had arranged on the glass. They looked like a pattern of my life.
A ding sounded.
"Here are the results!" announced the official at the podium. He turned around and faced the big screen. It read: Player 1 and Player 2. I was Player 1—I could tell from my card layout. The card order on the screen began to light up in green. The first one: green. I took a deep breath. The second: green. The one opposite it: also green. My pulse was pounding in my groin. I clenched myself hard. Third card: green. That meant the order was correct.
Everything went silent. Everyone held their breath. My fear broke out of its shell and wrapped around me. The fear of losing everything gripped me by the collar. The silence that collapsed over me like a titan—was another name for dread. The third green light had made my sense of safety even more fragile. His was correct too. "Two cards left," I told myself. My fate was held hostage by this arrangement. My pupils shrank as I looked at the next light.
Ding.
Red.
My knees buckled as I stared at the screen. Player 2's card was green. He had guessed correctly.
I was speechless. I couldn't think of a single word to explain my condition.
"I lost," I whispered. I had lost to myself.
My defeat was a venom flooding my veins.
Because I had lost... to myself.
Time shattered in my hands.
The version of me standing across from me rejoiced with such intensity that his screams filled the stage. His voice echoed in my ears like an eternal anthem. The pain of never being able to be myself again nestled in my heart. If a person is defeated by their own self, what is left of them? What branch could one cling to after losing to themselves?
Things started flying onto the stage. Objects whizzed through the air. Papers, hair clips, water bottles. They all slammed onto the table and passed before my eyes. This disgrace—was mine again. Player 2 climbed onto the table and raised his arms. "I won!" he shouted. Tears were falling from his eyes. Sweat was running down his temples. When his eyes met mine—me, the one sitting silently below—everything shattered. His gaze stabbed a syringe into my heart. My eyes didn't even leave the marbles on the table. I was nailed in place.
"Player 1 has lost the match. Player 2 wins the Foresight Point."
The announcement pierced my ears. The dusty pages of the past opened and closed in my mind. Like the name shouted during my mother's death. Like the pitiful letters of her name whispered at her funeral. Everything was now a nightmare.
Just as I was about to collapse, two officials in white suits grabbed my arms and dragged me toward the door. There was no strength left in my legs. Like a crushed insect, my feet scraped against the floor.
In that moment, I felt like a spider caught in the webs woven by fate—alone and defeated by itself. My breath slowed. The reality of my loss began to sink in. The fear of everything repeating again burned through me like fire. Only one thing remained.
The door opened, and I was thrown out like a trash bag.
The moment the heavy hands pulled their stiff fingers away from my arms, I felt my consciousness sinking deep. Darkness. Everywhere. It was so dark.
In that darkness, I saw someone looking at me. B-but my eyes were closed? How was I seeing? Was this something only the losers were meant to witness? A punishment? I fell from a swing made of my own fears. Time froze. The sounds vanished. Only that face—and me. He was reaching out to me through the darkness. No. That hand didn't belong to something sinister. I was confused. The coldness of the ground still lingered in my legs. My whole body went numb. I could feel my left arm crushed under the weight of my torso. And then, maybe to illuminate the shadowy figure, a soft rose-colored light flickered faintly. The touch of the light was like the soft petals of a flower. Amid those petals, I saw grey eyes staring at me sharply, like a wolf. That mysterious shade between black and white seemed to whisper something to me.
"Ayaz!" I cried out, my voice echoing like a scream.
I repeated it again, weakly. "Ayaz."
He was walking toward me, his steps directed this way. He looked so high above me—higher than any height our difference in stature could justify. Maybe I felt this way because I was lying semi-conscious and dizzy on the ground. The image trembled. He came closer. His eyes, under his brows, had now turned white. Almost indistinguishable from the whites of his eyes. He slowly knelt beside me. He placed his hand on my hair. His fingers in my hair—too real to belong to a hologram. That feeling. The feeling of belonging. Of being protected. "Why did you bring me here?" I whispered in pain. "I... I trusted you..."
Whether he heard my words or not was unclear. Because I didn't know—had I truly said these thoughts aloud?
"Keep trusting me," he whispered. His voice was so soft it caressed my ears. My eyes were swallowed by the darkness. His eyes faded from my memory.
"I will save you."