Feeling lost.
That sums up my entire experience so far. I'm a typical low-class Indian, and on top of that, I've been dealing with anxiety. I've even fainted a few times while at work, no matter what kind of job it was. I can't seem to manage more than eight months in a row before I feel overwhelmed.
At 25, I still haven't found a clear career path. My family gave up on me a while back, and I often wonder, "Why can everyone else handle workplace pressure, but I can't?" Even now, those questions linger, and I still haven't found the answers.
Curious about my name? It doesn't hold any significance, and honestly, it doesn't matter much. I'm sure you all are just as fine without it.
I dedicated my youth entirely to studying. The term "bookworm" was no longer in common use, but back then, it described someone whose life revolved around cramming for exams. In this world, academic credentials meant everything. As a child, I embraced my parents' outdated ideology and studied relentlessly, never considering my own needs or interests.
Despite all my hard work, I wasn't accepted into my first-choice college. Even after all that time I spent studying, I always had the nagging feeling that I was a bit slower to grasp things than others.
It's unsettling how the habits you pick up in childhood can shape your mind. By the time I reached university, I had an overwhelming complex that left me anxious whenever I wasn't buried in textbooks and guilty whenever I dared to enjoy a night out.
My "passion" during those years was relentlessly hitting the books for my degree. Yet, even with all that effort, my average smarts meant I hadn't accomplished as much as I'd hoped. How could anyone throw themselves into studying to such a ridiculous degree without any clear purpose? I am just an idiot.
After hitting the books hard at university, I landed a job at a well-known Medical billing company.
My hard work, although not super impressive, finally paid off. But then I quickly realized that the real world was nothing like the academic one. In the workplace, it wasn't about your degrees anymore; it was all about communication skills, problem-solving abilities, and a genuine curiosity about everything, even stuff that wasn't directly related to the job.
It felt like I was being asked to completely change who I was overnight.
Once I started working, people started calling me 'Robot waiting for instructions,' implying I was only good for mindless tasks that didn't require any original thought. By the time I hit 24, younger colleagues were zooming past me, and I knew I had to make a change. First off, I needed a hobby that wasn't just studying, so I did the only thing I could think of: I Googled 'how to find a hobby.'
Yeah, it was that bad. I couldn't even grasp what it meant to be passionate about something. For someone who had spent their whole life buried in books, outdoor activities felt completely out of reach. So, I decided to stick with what I knew best: promoting people like me, reading, and writing a novel. Even though I hardly ever finished any of my novels, I felt more at ease when no one was reading them. Strangely, the more questions I got from readers, the less confident I became in my writing.
I couldn't figure out why that was.
Now, I've started posting random stuff in the fan-fiction section to get more views and feedback. I'm determined to keep pursuing my passion this time, no matter what it takes.
When it comes to my family, things have been complicated. My parents have been living separately since I was a child. The reason? My mother struggled to cope with her mother-in-law's constant outbursts. So, she chose to leave with me and my younger brother and move in with her adoptive father. It's quite a mess.
From a young age, I watched my family go through so much turmoil. I often wondered if having my father around would have made me feel safer. Sometimes, I think that being with my grandmother would have been a much better option than being in that chaotic family situation. What drove my mother to choose this path over staying with my father?
I endured several instances of sexual abuse and physical abuse from someone my mother trusted. Seeking help felt impossible, especially since my mother was already in a vulnerable state. Her adoptive father viewed my brother and me as less than human, while her sister and her family treated us with disdain. In moments of distress, I couldn't turn to my mother, as she was overwhelmed with her challenges. I bottled everything up inside.
It has been a decade since then.
Now, although I've managed to find some peace, echoes of that trauma linger. During a visit to a psychiatrist for my anxiety and deep-seated depression, he inquired about any sexual relationships I might have had. I answered no, not connecting that question to my struggles. I believed I had moved past my experiences, but now I realize I should have discussed my trauma with him.
Be open with your doctor about everything, even if it feels unimportant. They're not like those toxic friends who mock your past and brush off your pain. It's really disheartening when people laugh at your struggles and downplay them. I genuinely believe that doctors, unlike those friends, will offer valuable advice to help you improve your life. Speaking of life, I have a crush on this girl at my new job. She's stunning and has such a cheerful vibe, which is the complete opposite of me.
It's like how opposite sides of a magnet attract; I was drawn to her personality and looks, but sadly, it was one-sided.
I admired how she carried herself and spoke to others. Even though I usually shy away from social interactions, I mustered the courage to ask her out, but of course, I got turned down. I wasn't too heartbroken then, but it stung more when she ended up liking my friend instead. He's the complete opposite of me—confident, outgoing, and great with people. I know she's way out of my league, but it still hurts. I wish I could've asked her what she thought of me and why she said no, but now it feels like it's too late.
You know, I think everyone has someone like me in their life—a chubby guy with glasses who doesn't pay much attention to his appearance, not particularly talkative, and perhaps a little on the creepy side. That's me, the individual society often labels as creepy. I suppose I see myself that way, too, especially since I have this unique interest in exploring sexual relationships.
To be honest, I'm far more drawn to literature about sex than I am to novels like 'Toilet Seat' by Latha. I find the mindless pornography that saturates many contemporary narratives quite off-putting. My understanding of sex goes beyond what most people might assume. For me, sex is not merely a fleeting encounter; it embodies love and a profound connection between partners. While some might contend that lust and love are entirely distinct, my viewpoint is heavily influenced by my childhood experiences.
I prioritize my partner's pleasure over my own. I even attempted to write erotica at one point, but like many of my projects, I never completed it. Rather than fostering a disdain for sexual relationships, my challenging upbringing instilled in me a desire to provide the pleasure and care I lacked. Sometimes, I ponder whether getting married might alleviate my anxiety—sounds a bit absurd, doesn't it?
If you were to examine my porn history, you'd notice a significant amount of lesbian content, as I'm intrigued by how women experience pleasure and what they deem significant in sexual encounters. Is it love? Merely physical intimacy? Both? Or is there something more profound?
Like many others, I have my doubts. Some readers from other countries might pick up this novel, so I want to make it clear that in India, most guys lose their virginity between the ages of 27 and 30.
I'm in the same boat. I haven't had any real sexual relationships with anyone, and I'm straight. I have some issues with the LGBTQ+ community due to my past, and I apologize if that offends anyone. This novel is about a weird guy (me) sharing what I learn about sex from various sources.
If you have any book suggestions, I'd love to hear them! I don't have a Kindle subscription since I'm pretty broke, but I'll do my best to check out your recommendations.
This piece isn't strictly a narrative; rather, it serves as a platform for discussion. You are not obligated to align with my viewpoint, and I wholeheartedly invite you to express your own insights in the comments section. I urge you to approach the content of this novel with an open mind, and I kindly ask that you maintain a respectful tone when engaging with the opinions of others. Before you hit 'send' on your comment, take a moment to reflect on your words, as they could potentially hurt the feelings of the commenter. Keep in mind that they are a human being, just like you.
First, I will start with my favourite novel, Toilet Seat, by author Latha, from the next chapter.
Thank you.