They should have known the funnel cake was a trap.
No, really, it sprouted legs and tried to bite Stanley's hand the moment he reached for it.
"OH COME ON!" Rafael yelped, whipping out his syrup pistol and shooting it in the eyes.
The Host of Pain cackled from its floating podium above. "EVERYTHING IS A TEST!"
The sentient funnel cake shrieked, pirouetted, and fled through a cotton candy tunnel that hadn't existed a second earlier. Without missing a beat, Calyx dove after it, grabbing Rafael and Stanley by their collars.
They tumbled through pink fluff that reeked of bubblegum and existential dread. The tunnel pulsed like a throat, and Rafael shouted, "I hate everything!"
Then they burst out into the Cotton Candy Wastes.
An entire landscape made of spun sugar stretched in every direction, mountains of pink, rivers of blue, trees shaped like spiral lollipops. In the distance, a castle made of gingerbread and malicious intent loomed, its spires gleaming like sharpened candy canes under a gelatinous sky.
"Okay," Stanley said, brushing pink strands from his face. "This is either delicious or deadly."
"Why not both?" Calyx said cheerfully, already unsheathing a licorice whip from somewhere in her sleeve.
A squealing sound rose from the hills.
Sugar pigs. Stampeding. With gumball eyes and marshmallow hooves.
"Scatter!" Rafael yelled.
They dove in different directions just as the herd stormed through. One of the pigs exploded on impact with a rock, splattering the area in caramel shrapnel. A second pig ricocheted off a peppermint boulder and rolled down the hill, leaving a trail of nougat ooze in its wake.
Stanley peeked from behind a cotton bush. "Is this some kind of new Trial or just Tuesday?"
[Event Triggered: The Great Candy Chase!]
Above them, floating banners unfolded in the air, spelling out in sparkling sugar dust: "CATCH THE TREAT TO WIN THE SWEET!"
The sentient funnel cake sprinted up a hill, now wearing a tiny crown and cape. It looked over its shoulder and cackled with sugary malice.
"That thing has our prize," Calyx growled. "And it's headed to the Candy Keep."
The Candy Keep was the castle, of course. Spires of rock candy, licorice battlements, a chocolate moat bubbling ominously, probably full of crocodiles made of marzipan with jawbreaker teeth.
No time for planning. The chase was on.
They ran. Through forests of cotton candy that tried to entangle them with sticky vines. Across a gumdrop bridge that melted under Rafael's feet. Past a licorice field where scarecrows threw taffy knives with disturbingly good aim.
"Why are the snacks trying to kill us?!" Stanley wheezed.
"Because we're in a carnival run by a sadistic sugar demon," Rafael snapped, dodging a toffee arrow.
Calyx flipped over a candy cane fence and pointed. "There! Shortcut through the Nougat Nook!"
Nougat Nook turned out to be a swamp. Sticky, slow, and humming with marshmallow mosquitoes the size of softballs. Rafael got stuck knee-deep in a patch of fudge quicksand and had to be yanked out by Stanley, who nearly lost a shoe to a molasses eel.
They emerged from it a mess, streaked with sugar slime, only to find the sentient funnel cake waiting smugly at the gates of the Candy Keep, flanked by licorice guards in peppermint armor.
"This is getting personal," Rafael muttered, wiping blue raspberry goo off his shirt.
"Good," Calyx grinned, flicking a gumdrop grenade into her palm. "I like personal."
And then the licorice guards charged, screeching battle cries that sounded suspiciously like off-key Taylor Swift solos.
Stanley grabbed a candy cane spear from a fallen guard. "Let's earn that snack!"
Calyx flipped into the air, her whip slicing through licorice torsos. Rafael ducked a chocolate mace and countered with a double blast from his syrup pistol, gluing a guard to the cobblestone made of cookie crumbs.
A firework of cotton candy smoke exploded above them as the gate creaked open with ominous sweetness.
"Forward!" Calyx shouted, vaulting over a taffy barricade.
They plunged into the Candy Keep's courtyard, where gumdrop mines dotted the path and lollipop turrets tracked their movements. Somewhere inside, their final trial awaited.
The main doors were guarded by an enormous confection: a gelatinous golem made entirely of jellybeans, with a licorice lasso and gumdrop eyes that glowed with malevolence.
"I got this," Stanley said, stepping forward and licking his lips. "I've been training for this my whole life."
"You mean with snacks?" Calyx asked.
"I mean with purpose," Stanley replied, brandishing his candy cane spear like a knight. "I shall duel this jelly beast and win our path!"
Stanley charged the jellybean golem, ducking its licorice lasso and stabbing at its chewy torso. The spear stuck for a moment, then was yanked from his hands as the golem tried to swat him with a sticky fist.
"Uh, backup?"
Calyx launched herself off a caramel catapult, flipping through the air and landing atop the golem's shoulders. "Surprise topping!" she shouted, jamming a gumdrop grenade into its eye.
The explosion painted the courtyard in a rainbow mist of fruity doom. The jellybean golem stumbled, then collapsed into a mountain of loosely packed jelly.
Rafael picked up a jellybean and popped it into his mouth. "Victory tastes like artificial cherry."
The main doors creaked open.
Inside was a grand hall of candy thrones and sour gummy chandeliers. And in the center (surrounded by floating sugar guardians) the funnel cake sat on a velvet cupcake throne.
It adjusted its crown and gestured with a scepter made of pretzel rod and melted chocolate.
"FINAL ROUND," it declared.
"Let's make this short and sweet," Calyx said, and the three of them charged, weapons drawn and sugar-fueled fury in their hearts.
***