The sun rose over the Misty Blossom Sect, golden rays slicing through the haze like gossip in a cultivation forum. Birds chirped. Leaves fluttered. Somewhere, a spirit squirrel was doing backflips for peanuts. The morning was peaceful.
So, of course, Ye Fang woke up screaming.
"GAHHHHH! My pants are gone again! Damn it, System!"
Ding! Congratulations, Host! You've successfully completed the quest: 'Sleep with One Leg on Top of a Woman Like a True Alpha Cultivator!' Reward: One Level in Flexibility!
Ye Fang sat up in bed, glaring at the glowing blue box hovering in the air like a smug mosquito. Next to him lay Su Rou, the formerly terrifying Sect Master's daughter, now snoring with a smile on her lips and a long line of drool making its way down his chest like a spirit snake on vacation.
"Why is she here again?" he muttered, trying to pull the blanket back over himself.
Ding! Reminder: Your charm has increased by 3.7% since last night due to extended physical contact with a heavenly jade-ranked beauty. Note: Your bed now carries +1 aphrodisiac aura.
Ye Fang blinked at the floating notification, then looked down at the drooling Su Rou. She shifted in her sleep, mumbling something like "Master Fang… don't stop poking my… qi points…"
"System. Cancel all bed upgrades. I don't need a pervert magnet mattress," Ye Fang grunted, trying to slide her off without waking her up.
Ding! Bed aura cannot be removed manually. You must seek the legendary 'Celestial Eunuch's Bedsheets' to overwrite it.
"…You're useless."
Just as he was about to sneak out of the bed like a guilty raccoon from a watermelon patch, the door of his room burst open.
"Ye Fang, what did you do to my daughter?!"
Standing at the entrance was Su Tianhai, the Sect Master, eyes bulging, beard twitching with rage, and hands crackling with qi like a taser at a goblin rave.
Ye Fang's first instinct was to run. His second instinct was to jump through the window. His third was to faint.
He chose all three.
"System! Activate Coward Escape Plan!"
Ding! Activating Skill: Phantom Panic Step (Level 1)
Ye Fang vanished in a puff of smoke, leaving behind only a fart-scented wind and a confused, half-asleep Su Rou who sat up, rubbed her eyes, and said, "Daddy? Why are you glowing like a firecracker?"
Meanwhile, Ye Fang reappeared upside down in a tree three courtyards away, panting.
"Okay, okay," he gasped. "No more flirting. No more accidental bed-sharing. I'm gonna focus. Cultivation. Discipline. No more distractions."
"HELP! HE STOLE MY BRA!!!"
Ye Fang looked down. A girl in the laundry courtyard pointed at him. In his panic escape, a very pink, very lacy undergarment was tangled on his shoulder like a war trophy.
Ding! New Quest Unlocked: 'Return the Heavenly Pink Bra of Justice (Without Dying).' Reward: +1 Agility, +1 Shame Resistance.
He screamed again.
Ye Fang launched himself from the tree, flailing like a possessed goose. The pink bra caught the wind and fluttered dramatically like a battle flag as he sprinted toward the Sect's laundry pavilion.
"I didn't steal it! It… it just clung to me like a cursed artifact!"
"You pervert!"
"Catch him!"
"Someone seal his cultivation!"
A dozen female disciples, armed with wet laundry and rage, chased after him like a mob of outraged cultivator aunties. One hurled a soap bar with pinpoint accuracy. It clipped Ye Fang's ear.
"System! Give me a dodge skill!"
Ding! Unlocking Movement Technique: Slippery Shadow Evasion (Passive). Warning: May cause user to fall unexpectedly in comedic situations.
"Whatever! Just activate it!"
He zipped, zigzagged, and face-planted into a pile of steaming spiritual undergarments.
"Oh heavens," he groaned, spitting out a sock. "I'm going to die buried under holy panties."
Just then, a voice rang out—cold, elegant, and terrifyingly familiar.
"Ye Fang."
He froze.
Standing atop the pavilion roof like a jade statue sculpted by the gods was Mo Qingyue—Elder Sister of the inner sect, ice-cold beauty, third in command after the Sect Master, and someone whose name was whispered by young men while they… meditated.
She gazed down at him with frosty disdain, her spiritual pressure making the air around him tremble. The angry girls fell silent. Even the birds stopped chirping. The soap bar hovered midair and fell with a sad plop.
"You have two options," Mo Qingyue said, her sword floating beside her like a silent threat. "One: Apologize, return the item, and receive fifty lashes."
Ye Fang swallowed.
"Two: Duel me. If you win, I'll forget this happened. If you lose… you'll do laundry duty for the next six months."
"System," he whispered. "What's her cultivation level?"
Ding! Mo Qingyue: Foundation Establishment, Mid-Stage. Sword cultivation. Passive ability: Clothes never tear no matter how convenient for the plot. Danger Level: Very High. Breast Size: C+.
"Wait, why the hell is that in your report?!"
Ding! Requested by 3,729 other host users. Compiled data for reference.
Ye Fang sighed.
"I choose... Option C: Bravely run the hell away!"
He threw down a smoke bomb he didn't remember having. The smoke rose dramatically—and did absolutely nothing.
Everyone stared.
"…Right. Cheap discount item from the System Shop. Of course."
Mo Qingyue raised her sword.
Just before he could scream like a banshee again, another voice interrupted.
"Stop!"
Su Rou appeared, arms crossed, pouting adorably. Her hair was still messy from earlier. Her robes slightly loose. Her aura… extremely satisfied.
"He didn't do anything. I dragged him into my bed."
Gasps echoed.
Ye Fang blinked. "Wait. What?!"
Su Tianhai appeared out of nowhere, hovering above on a spiritual sword like a furious landlord evicting lustful tenants.
"Su Rou! You—you let that little trash touch your sacred thighs?!"
She rolled her eyes. "Dad, seriously? I'm two hundred years old!"
"Exactly! You should've waited until at least three hundred!"
More gasps.
Ye Fang, still holding the pink bra, raised a hand. "Uhh, just to clarify, I didn't touch anything sacred. I swear. I'm still a proud—"
Ding! Lie Detected. Shame Level +5. Virginity Stat: Deceased.
"System, I hate you."
Mo Qingyue sheathed her sword. "I'll let him off… this time. But next offense, and I'll tie him up and—"
"Actually," Su Rou cut in. "That might motivate him."
Ye Fang's face went redder than a chili pepper's backside.
As the crowd dispersed, whispering, giggling, and swearing to write this into the sect's gossip scrolls, Ye Fang sighed and flopped onto the grass, defeated.
Ding! New Title Unlocked: 'Panty Raider of the Inner Sect.'
Ding! Su Rou Affection +10.
Ding! Hidden Quest Unlocked: 'Win the Hearts (and Bodies) of Six Legendary Beauties!' Progress: 1/6.
Ye Fang groaned. "I just wanted a normal cultivation life…"
The System chimed cheerfully.
Ding! You're on the fast track to immortality… and sexual harassment lawsuits! Congratulations, Host!