The gang had barely escaped the wrath of the Magic Law Enforcement, riding stolen brooms, mopsticks, and one sentient ironing board named Craig. Their escape trail smoked with residual love potion fumes, broken curses, and something that might have been radioactive jam.
They finally landed in the one place no sane wizard would ever go.
The Goblin DMV.
Not even cursed souls stood in line here anymore.
"Why does this place smell like expired paperwork and crushed dreams?" Walter gagged, pushing open the giant rusted door labeled:
DEPARTMENT OF MAGICAL VEHICLES & SUMMONED DONKEYS.
Slippery Linda grinned and stepped over a petrified DMV clerk statue. "This place shut down after the Parking Rune Riots of '99. Everyone wanted their broom zones validated, no one paid, and someone summoned a traffic demon. It ate 42 goblins and two horses."
"Sounds cozy," Heisenbones added, kicking over a filing cabinet that screamed and ran away.
Walter wiped dust off a cracked poster that read:
"DRIVE SPELLS SAFE OR CRASH THROUGH TIME."
He turned to the others, face deadly serious.
"We're done hiding. It's time for an upgrade. We need a lab. We need a hideout. And by the gods… we need a van."
Behold: The Spellvan 9000
Ten minutes and one fight with a gremlin bureaucrat later, they found it:
A massive, dented, rune-covered magical cargo van, wedged between a rusting chariot and a haunted food truck still playing mariachi music on loop.
Paint peeled off the sides, revealing ancient graffiti:
"Wizard Wagon XL™ – Banned in Twelve Dimensions for Crimes Against Sanity"
"She's perfect," Walter whispered. "It's like someone fused a war crime with a taco truck."
Linda opened the back.
Inside: reinforced cauldron mounts, potion vial holsters, an arcane espresso machine still steaming out curses, and a spell-proof mini fridge labeled "Do NOT Put Goblin Organs In Here Again."
Heisenbones wiped a bone hand across the wall and whistled. "This baby's got a flux-drive transmutation core. We can brew potions while driving."
Walter's eyes gleamed. "We're cooking. Mobile-style. This van… this van is the gang now."
He carved a name on the dashboard with a wand.
The Spellvan 9000
Cue electric guitar riff and possibly a fireball explosion in the background.
Montage: Renovation, Chaos, Vibes
Montage Time!
Set to a magical remix of "Highway to Spell," the gang gets to work:
Heisenbones installs anti-scrying runes using a glue stick and several illegal mirrors.
Linda reroutes the flux crystal engine to run on stolen fairy dust (which technically voids the warranty).
Walter converts the back into a lab-slash-living-space-slash-interdimensional food truck.
Cut to Walter holding a spatula and yelling: "This cauldron's not big enough! I need at least three unlicensed stabilization glyphs and a cooling rune shaped like a raccoon!"
Somewhere outside, a wizard pigeon explodes mid-flight after flying too close to the van's aura. They take this as a good sign.
The First Brew on Wheels
The cauldron bubbles, the van rumbles, and the first official mobile potion begins.
Walter throws in:
Haunted library dust,
Bottled sarcasm (grade A),
And a splash of cursed almond milk (gluten-free, ironically).
With a thunderous BLORT, the result glows pink.
Linda leans over. "What is it?"
"Vibe Shift Potion. Causes sudden emotional chaos. May include spontaneous crying, laughing, or breakdancing."
Heisenbones tests it by dropping it on a nearby goat. The goat immediately shaves itself and takes up jazz flute.
"Excellent," Walter said. "We'll sell this to nightclubs, enchanted karaoke bars, and cursed therapy retreats."
Linda raised an eyebrow. "What happens if you take more than one?"
Walter shrugged. "Legally? We don't know. But morally? We also don't care."
Meanwhile: The MLE Plans a Potion Blockade
Back at MLE headquarters, Captain Sevrin stared at a wall full of scrying photos, yarn connections, and one photo of Walter circled in red 47 times.
"Walter has gone mobile," he growled. "He's brewing on wheels. He's out of control."
Lieutenant Pibb entered, balancing a crystal tablet and three donuts.
"Sir, we intercepted potion market chatter. Walter's potions are flooding the underground. Love potions. Vibe potions. One that turns your enemies into motivational speakers. It's chaos."
Sevrin slapped his desk. "We hit them where it hurts. No ingredients, no potions. Launch Operation: No Soup For You."
Pibb paled. "Sir, that means… attacking the Herb Cartels. The Fairy Dust Union. Even Big Toad Slime."
Sevrin leaned forward. "We bring the fight to the black cauldron. And if necessary… we boil it."
Heists, Hustles, and Herb Smuggling
Back in the van, the gang had a new problem.
The MLE was blocking ingredient supply lines—burning black markets, flipping smugglers, and arresting potion ingredient dealers.
So naturally, the gang responded like heroes.
They started stealing.
Montage 2: Magical Ingredient Heists
Scene 1: Linda seduces a greedy elf into "donating" his stockpile of phoenix tears by pretending to be a health inspector.
Scene 2: Walter disguises as Professor Shadyleaf and gives a motivational seminar to druids while Heisenbones robs their moss vault.
Scene 3: The gang breaks into the Magical Farmers' Union Warehouse using a cursed shopping list and a distraction involving 50 enchanted raccoons.
They return with crates of:
Grumpy ginseng,
Smoked banshee root,
And bootleg unicorn sweat (sourced from "some guy named Steve").
Heisenbones cackled, stirring the cauldron with his femur. "We're unstoppable!"
Walter raised a bottle. "To the Spellvan! To crime! To illegal beverages with questionable side effects!"
They all cheered—and immediately ducked as the espresso machine exploded and called Linda a slur in Goblin.
Final Scene: A Bounty and a Warning
Back at MLE HQ, Sevrin received a delivery: a magical burrito with a note inside.
"Dear MLE, you can't catch what vibes on wheels. Love, The Shadow Wizard Money Gang."
The burrito exploded into glitter and jazz hands.
Sevrin snarled. "New bounty. Double it. No—TRIPLE. I want that van impounded, that skeleton grilled, and Walter's beard shaved by force."
He slapped a poster on the wall:
WANTED: WALTER THE WHITE & CO.
Crimes: Potion trafficking, mobile alchemy, excessive charisma, unsolicited vibes.
REWARD: 20,000 Soul Coins, 1 Get-Out-Of-Hell-Free Card, and a free churro.
The hunt was on.