[Opening: The Eastern Han Dynasty — A Golden Age of Incompetence]
Welcome to the late Eastern Han Dynasty, an era so chaotic it could make modern corporate hellscapes look like paradise.
If Emperor Liu Hong had submitted his résumé today, HR would've spit coffee all over their keyboards:
Special Skills:
•Expert in Palace Flea Market Management
•Pro-level Eunuch Cosplay Merchandising
•Pioneer of the "Online Bribery Mall" Business Model
In Luoyang, His Majesty had turned the imperial palace into a luxury bazaar. Palace maids dressed in trending Hanfu served as cashiers, while eunuchs played street vendors hawking miracle goods:
"Step right up! Imported glow-in-the-dark pearls! Tenfold refund if fake!"
The emperor himself sat behind a cash register rebranded from his dragon throne, calculator hanging from his belt, asking everyone, "Do you need a receipt with that, dear customer?"
Meanwhile, commoners lived in a surreal dystopia. Field banners read:
"No tax, no tombstone. Pay up or dress for the afterlife!"
When an old farmer protested at the county office, the magistrate calmly pulled out the Great Han Legal Code:
"Chapter 2, Clause 36 — Protest equals 20% tax increase."
The farmer flipped his sign around, revealing:
"Hail to the wise and mighty magistrate!"
Elsewhere, in Julu County, three civilian "scientists" were plotting a startup. The Zhang brothers—Zhang Jue, Zhang Bao, and Zhang Liang—were originally street-side army doctors, famous for miracle cures and shady potions.
Their banner read:
"Even Hua Tuo stays silent. Even Bian Que sheds a tear."
Then one day, Zhang Jue had an epiphany:
"Selling fake meds only gets us so far. Let's sell hope instead!"
Boom—The Way of Peace Wellness Franchise was born, complete with viral bestsellers:
1.Talisman Water (Priced: Affordable, Totally)
•Basic Edition: cures colds and fevers
•Premium Edition: cures all known diseases
•Supreme Edition: grants immortality (side effects may include instant death)
2.Membership Program
•Top-up 100 coins: Get a free "Misfortune-Blocking Talisman"
•Top-up 500 coins: Receive an autograph + selfie from Zhang Jue
•Top-up 1,000 coins: Earn the glorious title of "Wise Grandmaster"
Their marketing slogans were straight-up brainwashing:
"Heaven is dead! Yellow Sky will rise! Lucky year ahead!"
(Translation: "Old server shutting down, new patch incoming. First top-up grants SSR hero!")
In two short years, they gained over a million followers. Zhang Jue wept over his ledger:
"If I knew scamming hope was this profitable, I would've ditched cough syrup ages ago!"
By 184 AD, he finally pressed the big red button labeled "Rebel".
The Yellow Turban Army charged the imperial forces wearing limited-edition yellow headbands (extra fee required), wielding weaponized farm tools, screaming:
"Down with taxes! Up with talismans!"
The court panicked. Mass emergency scrolls were sent out:
"Yellow Turban uprising! Respond ASAP! Urgent!"
Local officials?
Read but didn't reply.
Meanwhile, their social media posts told a different story:
•Youzhou Governor: "Lovely weather today~ (Pic: sipping tea)"
•Jizhou Warlord: "Another lazy day~ (Pic: snoozing in sun)"
•Luoyang Magistrate: "Share this koi for great Han fortune! (Pic: grilled koi fish)"
⸻
[Enter Liu Bei: The Royal Blooded Sandal Salesman]
Cut to Zhuo County, Youzhou. Our protagonist Liu Bei is engaged in what can only be described as… performance art.
He's squatting on the street selling straw sandals with a sign:
"Royal Collection — Handwoven with Imperial Pride."
Passerby A: "How much?"
Liu Bei: "Fifty coins a pair."
Passerby A: "That's robbery!"
Liu Bei (straightening his robes): "Excuse me, these were handwoven by a descendant of King Jing of Zhongshan."
Passerby B: "Who's that?"
Liu Bei: "…My ancestor."
Liu Bei's daily routine:
•Morning: Evade landlord
•Noon: Dine on dirt (literally)
•Evening: Mope under the moon whispering, "How can sparrows know a swan's ambition…"
One day, while squatting in street philosopher pose, he noticed a recruitment poster on the city wall. He sighed:
"A descendant of the great Han Emperor… reduced to this…"
"Quit whining and start fighting, ya drama queen!"
The shout nearly gave Liu Bei a heart attack. His sandal flew up into a tree.
Turning around, he saw a mountain of a man with a thunderous voice, beard like an angry mop, and eyes that could scare vinegar bottles off the shelves.
Meet Zhang Fei — Zhuo County's local legend, profession: pig butcher; side hustle: soundwave demolition. Nickname: "Zhuo County Bass Cannon."
Rumor has it, his morning yawns can make chickens lay early.
Zhang Fei grabbed Liu Bei's collar:
"Bro, I see the fire in your bones. Want to start a business with me?"
Liu Bei, choking: "B-business?"
Zhang Fei (whispering loudly): "Rebellion—uh no, I mean enlistment! Meals and housing included!"
Liu Bei: "Is there… insurance?"
Zhang Fei: "Absolutely! The Five-Insurances are:
•Sword injury
•Spear injury
•Arrow wound
•Horse-fall trauma
•Starvation stress
And the One-Fund is: loot division — we split the gold!"
Before Liu Bei could say no, he was dragged to the tavern. Zhang Fei slapped a money pouch on the table so hard it cracked.
Waiter: "…"
Zhang Fei: "Put it on my tab!"
[Enter Guan Yu: The Red-Faced Wanted Man]
As they settled in, in walked a red-faced warrior with a glorious beard and a cart of mung beans. His glare could cure infant nightmares.
Zhang Fei's eyes lit up:
"Dude! He looks like a live-action Guan Yu figurine!"
The man nodded coldly: "I am Guan Yu, styled Yunchang."
Then he resumed bean-counting: "998… 999… huh? Missing one?!"
Turns out, Guan Yu is a math-obsessed fugitive. He once "accidentally" embedded a local tyrant into a wall during an act of justice.
Now, he's wanted with a hilariously vague sketch:
"Suspect has crab-red face, scarf-length beard."
Liu Bei: "Brave warrior! Care to drink with us?"
Guan Yu: "I'm currently on the run…"
Zhang Fei: "Run later! Drink now! Join the Three Criminal Musketeers!"
Several rounds in, Guan Yu finally shared his tale:
"That bully was harassing an old veggie seller. I gave him a gentle push…"
Zhang Fei: "And?"
Guan Yu: "…He fused with the wall."
Liu Bei: "…"
Three hours later, Zhang Fei slammed the table:
"Let's become sworn brothers! I know just the place!"
⸻
[The Peach Garden Pact: Startup Ceremony of Legends]
Next day, in Zhang Fei's backyard peach orchard.
Zhang Fei shouted at his gardener:
"Move the altar next to that crooked tree! Yes, the one shaped like a necktie!"
As peach blossoms danced in the wind, Liu Bei got poetic:
"Peaches blooming with grace…"
Zhang Fei: "Cut the poetry! Let's swear already!"
They knelt before incense. Zhang Fei suggested:
"Let's rank by age. Eldest gets to be big bro!"
Liu Bei: "I'm 28."
Guan Yu: "27."
Zhang Fei: "26."
Liu Bei: "Wonderful. I shall humbly accept the role."
Zhang Fei: "Hold on. You said you're royal blood. Got a family tree? ID?"
Liu Bei: "The rats ate it. But I swear on my sandals it's legit."
(He pulls out a pair)
"Look at this imperial weaving!"
Guan Yu squints: "Big bro… Why does it say 'Made in Zhuo County' on the sole?"
Liu Bei: "That's the anti-counterfeit mark."
Zhang Fei began the oath:
"We, Liu Bei, Guan Yu, and Zhang Fei, though born of different families…"
Guan Yu (whispers): "It's 'though born of different surnames', not 'different families'…"
Zhang Fei: "Shut up! I'm vibing!"
"…We vow to support each other, save the people, and serve the nation…"
Liu Bei: "…And use Same-Day Peach Delivery."
Zhang Fei: "Not now!"
"Not born on the same day…"
Guan Yu: "…But let's try not to die the same day either?"
Together: "Deal."
They banged their heads to the ground so hard peach blossoms rained down like confetti.
⸻
[Startup Funds: Liquidating the Pig Empire]
Zhang Fei, pumped, declared:
"Time to raise funds. I'm selling my pigs!"
He gave a farewell speech to his livestock:
"Dear piggy comrades, the nation needs you!"
Pigs: "???"
The next day at Zhuo Market:
•Zhang Fei's Pork Bonanza: 50% Off!
•Buy one pound, get one free!
•VIP members get a free butchering performance!
Three days later, Zhang Fei handed his profits to the blacksmith:
"Forge me three divine weapons!"
Blacksmith Zhou blinked:
"This 'Serpent Spear' design… It's just a giant barbecue skewer?"
Zhang Fei: "Exactly! Can skewer ten whole lambs!"
Guan Yu's Green Dragon Crescent Blade? Too heavy.
He whispered:
"Can I get an inflatable version?"
Liu Bei's dual swords? Just two fruit knives taped together.
They even said "Might Slice Iron (might not)" on the handle.
⸻
[First Battle: Yellow Turbans Die Laughing]
Two weeks later, the trio had a 500-man squad:
•200 were regulars at Zhang Fei's butcher shop
•100 joined for the free pork head
•The rest were just… lost and too polite to say no
The Yellow Turban general, Cheng Yuanzhi, rolled in with 50,000 men.
He took one look at Liu Bei's ragtag crew and burst out laughing:
"These clowns wouldn't even fill my tooth gap!"
Zhang Fei fumed: "You calling my bros toothpick-sized?!"
Guan Yu calmly patted him:
"Relax, third bro. Let me perform a magic trick."
He charged. Deputy general Deng Mao struck a pose—only to be split in two before he could finish it.
"Surprise delivery!" Guan Yu quipped.
Cheng Yuanzhi blinked—then found he could see his own back.
"Huh? Why am I in two pieces?"
Thud — Game over.
The rest of the Yellow Turbans panicked.
"SWEET HEAVENS! THE RED-FACED ONE IS DEATH HIMSELF!"
They fled like pigeons before a firecracker.
⸻
[Victory, Fame, and the Path to Glory Begins]
Their first victory sent shockwaves across the land.
Governor Liu Yan arrived in person, gripping Liu Bei's hand:
"My dear nephew, you are truly…"
Liu Bei: "Just doing our humble part, sir."
Zhang Fei (whispering): "Big bro… time to ask for the reward?"
Guan Yu (death glare): "Watch your dignity!"
At the victory banquet:
•Zhang Fei got drunk and wrestled a pig's head
•Guan Yu tried slicing apples with his warblade (failed)
•Liu Bei sneakily handed out business cards:
"Descendant of Emperor Jing — Now Accepting Donations!"
Thus began the legend of three nobodies turning into somebodies.
Coming up next:
"CEO Cao Cao: Run, My Precious Wife!"
Cao Cao: "I'd rather betray the world than let the world betray me!"
Chen Gong: "Sir, wrong genre. That's from a soap opera."
"Lü Bu's Temptation: My Halberd Has a Skin Pack"
Lü Bu: "Look, Diao Chan! My new premium skin!"
Dong Zhuo: "You used my pension, you little—!"
"Zhuge Liang Live: East Wind Delivery, Guaranteed or Your City Back"
Zhuge Liang: "Hey guys! Today's flash sale: Fire Attack™ special edition wind!"
Zhou Yu: "THAT'S MY WIFE YOU'RE SHIPPING!"
Want to know what happens next?
Tune in next chapter!