"Two Taiwan teas and one rose tea. That'll be five hundred and thirty yen." A thick hand moved expertly over the cash register, punching in the numbers like he'd done it a hundred times before. "Please have a seat and wait a moment — I'll bring it over. Shinpachi! Order's up!" Sakata Gintoki turned to start preparing the drinks with practiced ease. The doorbell kept chiming nonstop until Shimura Shinpachi finally had to come out and help take care of the customers himself. Today, Café Feratila was unusually busy. To make matters worse, every regular staff member had taken the day off, leaving the shop manager no choice but to call in the Odd Jobs crew for help. At first, it was total chaos — I had to teach them how to make pastries and drinks. You could say it gave me a major. Luckily, Gintoki and Shinpachi caught on fast, so it wasn't too bad. But Kagura… teaching her was almost the death of me. Work kept moving along smoothly. Even when the place got packed with customers, it never got so hectic that they couldn't keep up. "Can I place an order, please? Oh, hey, Boss?" A familiar voice made both Shinpachi and Gintoki turn around. "Oh, it's Okita-kun. What'll it be? Wanna buy in bulk for the Shinsengumi?" "Sounds good, Boss. I'll take twenty sets of everything. Just bill it to Hijikata Toshiro." "You got it. Go grab a seat — I'll call you when it's ready." "Roger~" Gintoki handed the order off to Shinpachi before getting started on the massive drink set Okita had ordered. Since it was a pretty big batch, he had to call in the shop manager to help out. Just then, Kagura, who had just finished serving dessert to a customer, spotted Okita lounging around on his phone. "Oi, why you come here, ah?" she asked, squinting suspiciously. "Why shouldn't I be here? I'm a customer too, aren't I?" Okita replied without looking up. Kagura tilted her head, hand on her hip. "I no wanna say this, but I see your face and I wanna puke already, ya know?" "Oh, don't act like I'm the only one who can't stand looking at your face, ya little punk. Ya dried seaweed noodle girl." "What did you just say?! You sadistic little punk!!!" Before she could finish her sentence, Kagura immediately swung a punch toward Okita. And of course, someone like Okita Sougo wasn't about to back down — he started to swing back, but both of them had to stop in their tracks. The one who stopped them? The oldest and wisest person in the shop. "Hey, hey! This is a shop, not a battlefield. If you wanna fight, take it outside!" The two kids continued to shout insults even as they were pulled apart, which made Gintoki sigh in exasperation. "When the hell are these two gonna stop fighting? I'm starting to get really annoyed…" "Boss, we're in trouble! We're out of flour!" "Tell the manager. What do you want me to do about it?" "Nishino went out for an errand. He won't be back until closing time." Hearing this, Gintoki sighed again. "What kind of manager is this? Leaving his staff to handle everything on their own? Next thing you know, they'll be robbing the place." After finishing his words, Gintoki grabbed a piece of paper and scribbled down a list of items that were out of stock, then handed the money and paper to Kagura. "Go buy it. Make it quick." "Got it, Boss!" "Just hand them the paper, don't go picking things out yourself." "Got it, Boss!" Kagura grabbed the paper and money, then dashed out of the shop in a flash. Gintoki returned to his work, focusing on his orders. "Oh, by the way, Boss, have you run into any weird people in black outfits lately?" Okita came over and sat at the counter, casually asking the still-busy Gintoki. "Yeah, I've seen one. Right there," Gintoki said, pointing at Okita sitting at the counter. "Hey, don't lump me in with them. The only weird one here is Hijikata." "Oh, really?" "So, have you seen any, Boss?" "Nope. Why do you ask? Are they thieves or something?" "Not exactly. Let's just say they're really dangerous. They have elemental magic powers, and they're after someone right now." "Oh, really? Sounds super scary," Gintoki said, dramatically throwing in some exaggerated gestures—though, in truth, he didn't care one bit. It had nothing to do with him, so why should he bother? "Well, if you do see them, just let me know." "Sure. But it'll cost you." "Charge Hijikata for it." After more than an hour of nonstop order-making, the trio from Odd Jobs finally finished. They loaded the entire order into the café's delivery van, making sure to wave at the manager, who had just returned from his errand. "We'll head out now." "Good luck out there. Oh, and I already transferred the payment—don't forget to check." "Thanks a lot. We'll head out now to make the delivery." The pickup truck rolled down the streets of Edo with a light hum, the sound of foreign pop music playing softly from the radio. Shinpachi kept checking the inventory in the back while Gintoki focused on driving. In just fifteen minutes, they arrived at the Shinsengumi headquarters. Gintoki expertly backed the truck up and parked neatly right in front. "Ah, hey there, Boss. Here to drop off the order?" It was Yamazaki Sagaru, the Shinsengumi's undercover specialist, greeting them as soon as the Odd Jobs crew stepped out of the truck. "Yep. Since we're here, how about giving us a hand?" "Sure thing, Boss. Hey, guys!! Help carry this stuff to the mess hall!" As the Shinsengumi members began unloading the food, Gintoki scanned the area casually—clearly looking for someone. "Hey, where's your boss?" Gintoki asked. "You mean Hijikata-san and Kondou-san? They're out on patrol. Should be back soon," Yamazaki replied. Just then, the sound of a car pulling in from the front gate made everyone turn. A familiar patrol car drove into the compound, the window rolling down smoothly. "What are you guys doing here?" Hijikata leaned out from the driver's seat, eyeing the stack of food containers being unloaded from the truck—nearly all of it gone from the back now. "And what's all that?" "An order, obviously. Since the mighty demon vice-commander is here, why don't you go ahead and pay for it too?" Gintoki handed over the bill with a grin. Hijikata took the receipt and began scanning through the numbers—only to leap out of the car in shock. "What the hell is this?! Why the hell am I the one paying for all this?!" He didn't just shout—he flung the bill to the ground in frustration. "No way in hell! I didn't even order this! Why should I have to pay for it?!" "Oh? Ohhh? Is Ogushi-kun trying to dodge the bill now? That's pretty irresponsible, don't you think? Might have to report this to the police." "I am the police!!" Hijikata shouted, veins nearly popping. "What's with all the yelling out here—oh hey, it's the Odd Jobs gang." Kondou Isao stepped out from another patrol car and walked toward them. Gintoki casually picked up the receipt and handed it over. "Look, your guy here ordered all these drinks and now refuses to pay. That's a lot of stuff, you know. If you don't pay up, we're gonna go out of business!" "Really? Alright, I'll pay—" "No, Kondou-san, you can't!" Before Kondou could even reach for his wallet, Hijikata stepped in to stop him. "We didn't place the order. Why the hell should we pay for it?" "Oh come on, Ogushi-kun, if you're not gonna take responsibility, maybe just stay quiet, yeah?" Gintoki said while lazily picking his nose—and without a care, he flicked it straight at Hijikata's chest. "You bastard!" Hijikata lunged forward, grabbing Gintoki by the collar. "First you try to scam me, and now you're flicking snot at me?! I should throw your ass in jail!" "Huh? And what exactly are you gonna arrest me for, huh? For asking you to pay for your drinks?" Gintoki smirked. "Let me tell you something, oh mighty Demon Vice-Commander—we've got solid proof that your lackey placed the order and signed for it. Not to mention, we've got three witnesses ready to testify. Now tell me—who's really in trouble here?" That smug grin spread across Gintoki's face as he stared Hijikata down in triumph. Hijikata, left speechless, did the only thing he could—he chucked Gintoki straight into the koi pond nearby. "GIN-SAN!!" Shinpachi cried out and rushed over to help pull his soaked boss out. Hijikata straightened his uniform with a smug look of his own. "Hmph. That's what you get. Know your place, Shiroyasha. You think you can mess with the vice-commander of the Shinsengumi and not get burned?" But Gintoki wasn't about to let it end there. Dripping wet, he slowly rose from the pond, glancing left and right before grabbing a large lotus leaf. Without warning, he flung it straight at Hijikata's unsuspecting face. "Hah!! What now, huh?! Arrest me if you can, you stinkin' rotten mayo freak!!" "WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME, YOU SNOW-HAIRED BASTARD?! Don't you dare insult the sacred mayonnaise! Like your precious sweet red bean paste is any better!" "Yeah, that's right! It's great! Ever heard of fine cuisine? That's what Gintoki serves. Your dog food doesn't even come close!" "WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY, YOU WHITE-HAIRED BASTARD?!" "Can you both just stop already?!" Shinpachi tried to intervene, but as always, it was pointless. These two never missed a chance to start a fight every time they met. "Come on now, don't be like that," Kondou chimed in cheerfully. "You're both grown-ups. How about spreading a little love instead?" "Yeah, seriously—wait, why are you naked again, Kondou-san?!" Kondou stood tall, hands on his hips, beaming with pride. "It's a symbol of true masculinity!" "Symbol, my ass!! The only thing you're showing off is your—!!!" WHAM! A flying kick to the jaw shut him up instantly. "Hey, Akinpachi. This bubble tea's super delish, ya want some?" Kagura popped up out of nowhere, holding a cup of bubble tea that was clearly from the order they'd just delivered. "That's not ours, Kagura-chan!! Ughhh, I'm gonna lose my mind!!!" Shinpachi sighed so loudly it made Kagura glance over. "What's wrong, Ah-Shinpachi? You constipated?" "No… just glad this madness is finally over." With the job finally done, they could finally head home and sleep to their hearts' content. A large hand reached for the stereo, turning on some background music as they drove back to the shop. Gintoki hummed along, clearly enjoying himself behind the wheel. Kagura glanced over at him before blurting out a question. "Hey, Gin-chan, how old are you this year?" "Huh? Why? You planning to use my age to buy a lottery ticket or something?" "Just asking, that's all." "Twenty-nine. Happy now?" Gintoki replied, eyes still on the road. "That old already? When are you gonna get yourself a girlfriend?" The question made Gintoki shoot her a side glance, sighing, before knocking her gently on the head. "'Old'? Watch it. The word you're looking for is 'seasoned.'" "Ow!" "You know," Shinpachi added, "a lot of girls actually like you, Gin-san. Why not give one of them a chance?" "What's with you guys all of a sudden? If someone's gonna show up, they'll show up. Simple as that." He turned his gaze back to the road, brushing off the topic with practiced ease. He'd lost count of how many times people had asked him the same thing—Get a girlfriend, Go on a blind date, Settle down already. Honestly, it was just annoying. It wasn't like he hadn't met anyone he liked—he just didn't care. And when you don't care, you just let it slide. The van finally pulled up in front of the shop. Gintoki parked in his usual spot and leaned casually against the car, waiting while Shinpachi ran inside to deliver and collect the payment. "All done," Shinpachi came back with a thick stack of cash in hand. "I'm gonna run this to the bank real quick." "We can do that later, can't we?" Kagura tilted her head. "No way. If we don't put it in now, someone's gonna 'borrow' it all away. I'll go ahead—Gin-san, Kagura-chan, you guys can head back." "When did you become my boss?" Gintoki scoffed, lightly chopping Shinpachi on the head out of habit. "Whatever. If that's all, I'm outta here. Gotta go hunt down that limited edition C-Kids issue. Later." With that, Gintoki turned and walked off, leaving Kagura and Shinpachi watching his back as he disappeared down the street. "Hey, Shin-pachi…" "Yeah?" "Do you think Gin-chan'll ever get a girlfriend?" "…I dunno. Probably not." "Really? Poor Gin-chan. Guess he's doomed to die single." "I think we should be more worried about ourselves. We don't have anyone either." "No one wants you, that's why." "What did you say?! Like anyone wants you either, Kagura-chan!" "Say that again!!" And just like that, the two of them started bickering again, walking off side by side in their usual squabbling way—completely unaware that their beloved boss was about to walk straight into a fate far bigger than any of them could imagine.
His two feet trudged along the road, not forgetting to stop by every bookstore he could find, but no matter where he went, there wasn't a single limited edition C-Kids issue in sight.
He sighed for the hundredth time. Tired, hot, and about to breathe fire at this point. How on earth could a single C-Kids issue be this hard to find?
"Damn it~ C-Kids, where the hell are you? Please just come out already!"
"Still the same as always, huh, Gintoki?" A familiar voice made Gintoki turn around, and he saw none other than Katsura Kotaro, his former comrade from the days of fighting foreign invaders.
"What's with you, Zura? And what's with that outfit? Are you cosplaying or something?"
"It's not Zura, it's Katsura-go-chan!" Gintoki casually eyed Katsura's cosplay, not paying any attention to the protest about his name being wrong. The guy was dressed in a school uniform that clashed with the well-toned muscles he had.
"Since I've run into you, here," Katsura said, pulling something out of his basket and shoving it into Gintoki's hand.
"What is this?" Gintoki flipped it over to find it was a bar of soap with a cute little note stuck to it.
'Come join us at the ROSERIAN club!'
"I heard you're still single, so I wanted to help my friend—Ugh!"
Before he could finish speaking, the soap was shoved into his mouth, and he collapsed to the ground immediately, with Katsura walking off without sparing him another glance, leaving his friend lying there on the ground, completely ignored.
His legs kept moving, step by step, but the energy was starting to drain from his body. Why—just why was it so damn hard to find?! Ugh…
"Young man." A drawn-out voice called out, and Gintoki turned to see an elderly woman in a tattered dress.
"You talking to me, granny?" he asked, pointing to himself. The old lady slowly walked over and gently grabbed the edge of his shirt with her shaky hands.
"Do you know which way the mochi shop is?"
"Uh… I guess I can take you there."
Gintoki crouched down to let the granny climb onto his back before starting off. They wandered around in circles, asking random people for directions to the mochi shop, but no two answers matched up. Gintoki was starting to lose hope.
"Granny, seriously… you don't remember where the shop is at all?"
"Hmm… Oh! I remember now. It's over there."
"Where's 'there,' exactly?"
"Right there, that way," the old woman said, raising a trembling hand to point across Kabukicho—toward a block of tall buildings on the other side.
Gintoki let out a long, tired sigh, swearing silently in his head.
"Just take me there, would you, dear?"
"Yes, yes, I'll take you," he replied, resigned.
Step by step, his legs pushed forward with growing heaviness and fatigue, until they finally arrived. The moment he lowered the old lady to the ground, Gintoki collapsed into a sitting position, completely wiped out.
They had arrived in Kagurazaka—the neighborhood of the wealthy and elite.
"Thank you so much, young man. You're really a kind soul." Gintoki took a deep breath, trying to calm his pounding heart from exhaustion.
"By the way, young man… you've got quite a nice face. How old are you?"
"Twenty-nine," he replied.
"Hm? Still young then."
"You think I'm young?" Gintoki raised an eyebrow and looked at the old lady, clearly surprised. "You're the first person who's ever called me that."
Usually, all he ever heard was how old he looked. So hearing the opposite was more shocking than comforting.
"Do you have a boyfriend, granny?"
"Hahaha! I used to, but he's passed away," the old woman laughed heartily, while Gintoki just gave a dry, awkward chuckle.
"Don't you get lonely, granny? I mean, your husband's gone and all."
"At first, yeah, it was lonely. But you get used to it. I can talk to the neighbors, and there's the internet now, right? When I get lonely, I just go online and mess around. Hahaha!"
Gintoki looked at the cheerful way she talked, but he could see it—the way her eyes gave her away. Those eyes said she was lonely, no matter how much she smiled.
"Why not try finding a new boyfriend?"
"Oh, please. At my age? I could drop dead any day now. Just watching the kids run around before I go is enough for me."
"You really don't stress about anything, huh."
"What's the point of stress? It doesn't change anything. Can't take it with you when you die."
"So… how did your husband die?"
"He was sent off to fight in the war to drive out the foreigners. Got killed on the battlefield." Gintoki sat there in silence, listening to her speak. He didn't say a word.
"But I'm proud of him. He died for his country. That's enough to make me happy."
"I'm sure your husband's happy for you too, Granny. Happy that you're still able to smile like this… even if your body's ready to call it quits any day now."
"Hahaha! Is that so? You're pretty sharp with words, aren't you, young man?"
The old lady pushed herself up from the bench and stretched her stiff joints, then handed something to him.
"What's this, Granny?"
"A love charm." Gintoki looked at it—it was a small white jade bracelet.
"If you wear this, the heavens will send your soulmate to you."
"From the heavens? What, are they gonna kick her down from the clouds or something?"
"You'll see soon enough, young man. Well then, I'm off."
She gave his shoulder two pats and started walking away, leaving Gintoki standing there in confusion.
"Hey, Granny! You can't just leave me hanging like this!"
He sighed, still baffled by the whole encounter, before tucking the bracelet into his yukata.
Whatever. There's no such thing as a soulmate falling from the sky anyway.
He kept walking through the narrow alleys of Kagurazaka, searching high and low for C-Kids, but no matter where he went, it was nowhere to be found. Exhausted and completely out of steam, Gintoki let out a deep sigh and yelled out loud:
"I can't take this anymore! C-Kids, where the hell are you?! Just show up already!!—URGH!!"
The words had barely left his mouth when something suddenly came crashing down from above, slamming him into the ground.
"What the hell?!" Gintoki twisted around to see what had landed on him—only to freeze in shock. It was a woman. A real, unconscious woman, covered in blood, with crimson trickling down from her head.
"WAAAAAAAHHHH!!! What the hell is this?! Why is there a corpse falling from the freaking sky?!"
Granny's words from earlier flashed through his mind.
Wait… Could it be—
No way! No freakin' way! A corpse is supposed to be my soulmate?! That's insane! Not funny! WHO THREW THIS CORPSE DOWN HERE?! GET OUT HERE AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY!
Just as he was shouting his lungs out, a group of men in suits appeared and surrounded him.
"Was it you guys?! You threw this body down here, didn't you?! Take her back! Do you have any idea how much that hurt?! My bones might be cracked, man! You better pay for this!"
"Hand the girl over. Now," one of them said in English. Gintoki furrowed his brow. He understood them just fine—annoyingly so—but he was more bothered by the strange, almost unnatural aura these people gave off… and the "corpse" still draped over his back.
"Hey, look, I don't wanna be involved in this. If you want her, come get her. I can't even move, dammit."
He replied in English, thinking that might settle things—but nope. One of the suited men stepped forward, raising a hand. A glowing magic circle began forming in the air.
Crap, he thought. I'm gonna get hit. But just as the spell was about to launch, a small bloodstained hand reached around from behind him and gently covered his eyes.
Explosions followed. Loud booms and bloodcurdling screams erupted all around, nearly deafening him. But Gintoki wasn't scared. No, at this point, he just wanted one thing:
"Hey. I don't care if you're fighting or blowing things up or whatever. But can you please take your hand off my eyes? I can't see."
He tried peeling the small hand off, and finally managed to free himself—just in time to see the girl who had fallen from the sky slowly rising and staggering away.
Wait—rising?
Gintoki's eyes widened. The "corpse" was up and walking.
She had long black hair with white inner highlights, swaying as she stumbled down the alley. He only caught a glimpse of her from behind.
But when he turned to look around…
His second shock of the night hit even harder. The alley had turned into a warzone.
The suited men were all dead—or worse. One had been impaled straight through the chest. Another was stuck to a wall, skewered by some kind of sword. Someone's head had literally exploded.
Before he could process anything, police sirens blared. The Shinsengumi squad, led by Okita Sougo, arrived and immediately moved to arrest him.
"Whoa, HEY! What the hell?! I didn't do this!!"
"Sorry, boss," Okita said, as casual as ever. "But you're covered in blood, and you're the only one here. So just give up and come quietly. I wanna eat ramen."
"Like hell it is! Sougo-kun, seriously—I didn't do any of this! It was that girl! The one who fell from the sky! She's the one who did it!"
"Oh, really? Funny, I don't see her anywhere," Sougo replied nonchalantly. "Anyway, you can tell your story later."
"No, dammit! I'm telling you I didn't do anything!! You can't just arrest me like this! Hey! At least listen to me!"
Gintoki kept shouting, but Sougo shut the car door without a second glance and drove off, leaving the silver-haired man screaming in the backseat.
"Captain Okita, what should we do with the bodies?" Sougo casually scanned the carnage around him, then pulled out his phone and sent a message.
"Let them handle it."
The silver-haired man's shouting didn't stop from the car ride all the way to the interrogation room. His voice echoed so loud throughout the Shinsengumi headquarters that everyone in the building turned to look.
"I didn't do it, dammit! You can't just arrest me like this! If you wanna arrest someone, go arrest that girl instead!"
"Well, well, if it isn't the jack-of-all-trades," Kondou greeted as he entered the room and plopped down in the chair across from him.
"'Well, well' my ass. Why the hell am I even here? I didn't do anything wrong!"
"I'll let you go," Kondou said. "But there's a catch."
The moment Gintoki heard that, his expression darkened with frustration. "A catch? Are you serious? I'm already exhausted, nearly got myself killed, and now this? You guys are nuts! Count me out!"
Without a word, Hijikata set a laptop in front of him and turned the screen around. It displayed some sort of data in English—none of which made any sense to Gintoki.
"What the hell is this? What am I even looking at?"
"The people you encountered were members of a group called Elite. They originally started in Detroit, U.S.A. At first, they were just a small-time gang, hunting down and stealing the corpses of alchemic mages to sell on the black market. But eventually, they grew bigger and expanded globally—including into Japan."
"Alche-what now?"
"Alchemic mages—people who use alchemic magic to transmute materials into weapons or objects."
"Wait a minute, Ogushi-kun, are you saying these Elite guys are hunting down alchemists just to sell their powers on the black market?"
"Exactly."
"Are you kidding me? What, did I wake up in some kind of Fullmetal Alchemist crossover? Should we go drag in the Elric brothers to take care of this or what?"
"Enough with the crap, already!" Hijikata snapped. "Bottom line: you're helping us take down the Elite."
Gintoki slammed his fist on the table. "Are you freaking insane?! Who in their right mind would risk their life over crap like this?! Just working enough to pay rent every month is already killing me. Now you want me to go up against people who can blow someone up with magic in a blink? With just a damn wooden sword? You'd have to be a total idiot!"
"Five million," Kondou offered, his voice calm.
Gintoki squinted at him. "Five million yen? For risking my life? Yeah, no thanks."
"Five million dollars."
That currency change brought everything to a screeching halt. Gintoki froze. His mind spun. He raised a hand, doing some mental math. Five million dollars… that's 761,424,990 yen.
He stared at the air for a moment, imagining the mountain of cash that figure would become. Then, after a dramatic pause—
"Heh. You think you can tempt someone like me with that kind of money, huh? Hah! As if I'd fall for something like th— Alright, fine, I'm in! Only an idiot would turn down that much!"
"Great," Kondou said, handing over a stack of documents. "Here's the contract. You'll need to sign it."
Gintoki took the papers. They were all in English. Not that he couldn't read it—he could, just enough to get by. He squinted at the lines.
Official Employment Contract
Detroit Magical Police Department, USA & Shinsengumi Police Division, Japan
I, Sakata Gintoki, hereby agree to enter into an official employment contract with the Detroit Magical Police Department, United States of America, and the Shinsengumi Police Division, Japan, for the mission to track down and capture members of the ELITH organization.
The agreed-upon compensation for this task is $5,000,000 USD.
Contract Duration: One month.
If the terms of the contract are fully fulfilled within the specified time, full payment will be issued immediately.
Failure to comply with the terms will result in immediate termination of the contract, and no compensation will be provided.
In the event that the contractor is injured or deceased and can no longer carry out the mission, a compensation package will be provided to the family:
Injury compensation: $1,000,000 USD
Death compensation: $20,000 USD per month for 40 years
Signature of Consent: _______________________
After reading every single line, he realized the contract duration wasn't long, and the compensation was more than reasonable. If he survived, he'd receive a whopping 5,000,000 dollars.
He picked up the pen, signed the contract, and handed it back.
"Happy now?"
"Good. Here." Kondou handed him a photo.
It was a picture of a woman with sharp features, black hair with white inner highlights, and striking gray eyes—so beautiful she almost didn't seem real.
"This woman's name is Saya Richelle. She's currently being hunted by the Elite because she possesses immense power—both in weapon magic and transmutation alchemy. Normally, people can only use one type of magic. At most, they can wield one or two magical weapons, and as for transmutation magic, only one element per person. But Saya… she's different. She can use an unlimited amount of both weapon magic and transmutation magic."
Hearing that, Gintoki furrowed his brow. What the hell is this? Am I in some fantasy world like Fairy Tail or something?
"So she's that strong, huh? Then why do you need me to help her?"
"Saya's always worked alone. If someone helps her take down the enemy, things will be faster and easier."
"And what about you cops? Why don't you help her yourselves?"
"We can't get involved directly. You know as well as I do—they're high-level mages. If we go up against them head-on, we'll all die for sure."
"And what about me? I'm just a regular guy, man! I'm alone out here. If I go up against them, I'm dead meat!"
"Who said you'd be fighting?" Hijikata exhaled smoke from his lungs and gave a smug smile. "Someone like you? You're the perfect decoy."
"WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?!"