3:07 A.M. – The Call That Changed Everything
The apartment was dead quiet except for the soft hum of a humidifier and the occasional sleepy fart from Buttermilk, the fluffiest and most emotionally dramatic dog on social media.
Carlton was face-down on the couch, half-smothered by a stale Kraft Single and the weight of existential dread. Somewhere between dreaming about being chased by tax collectors dressed as golden retrievers and arguing with a toaster, he stirred.
Travis, perched on an ottoman like a caffeinated gargoyle, had been awake for hours. He was deep in a rabbit hole of legal articles on "dog-owned IP rights." His laptop glowed like a dying star in the dark.
Then: BUZZZZZZZ.
His phone lit up like a miniature sun. Caller ID:
> BARKLE HQ – TIER 1 LIAISON
He answered on instinct.
"Hello, this is Travis. If this is about Buttermilk's unpaid taxes, she's technically a dependent. And emotionally fragile."
A voice responded with enough cheer to power a theme park:
> "CONGRATULATIONS! You've just been promoted to full-time Barkle Ambassadors! You'll receive the Barkle Gold card, premium brand partnership access, and a portable paw-dicure station! Welcome to Tier 2!"
Then—click. Call ended.
Carlton stirred. "Did someone just scream capitalism into your ear?"
"No," Travis said, eyes wide. "They screamed opportunity."
Carlton sat up, slowly peeling the cheese off his cheek like a second skin. "Wait. Is this real? Is this a scam?"
Travis held up the phone like he'd just been knighted. "We've officially been Barkle-verified."
Then they screamed. In harmony. Loud enough to wake Buttermilk, who looked at them, blinked once, and flopped over with a huff.
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By Noon: Influencer Warzone
The living room looked like a poodle had exploded inside an Etsy shop.
There were six ring lights arranged in what Travis called "the emotional triangle."
Costume racks overflowing with rhinestone harnesses.
A humidifier filled with lavender and prestige.
Carlton was printing out a spreadsheet labeled "Q1: Emotional Engagement By Ear Tilt Angle."
Travis was filming Buttermilk licking a branded bone in slow-motion, directing like a tortured artist.
"Okay, we need more pathos. She just got ghosted. Her treat got snatched. Show me heartbreak, Butter!"
Buttermilk blinked.
Travis cried.
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Content Strategy: Tearjerkers and Tail Flicks
Series Pitch: The Dogumentary – Real Paws, Raw Pain
Episode 1: "My Groomer Betrayed Me"
Buttermilk gets a bath. The stylist leaves halfway through. She walks out in a damp bathrobe, devastated.
Episode 2: "Treats Don't Heal Trauma"
She rejects peanut butter for the first time. Symbolic.
Episode 3: "My Best Friend Peed on Our Friendship"
Moose, the golden retriever with a "leakage issue," has to be censored.
Each episode opened with a dramatic voiceover and closed with a quote pulled from nowhere but still felt profound:
"Sometimes you have to bark into the void… and the void sniffs back."
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The Response: Global Meltdown
Within 24 hours:
77,000 followers
Duets. Fan cams. Emotional edits.
A German shepherd therapist went viral for reacting to the video while gently weeping.
One comment read:
"I didn't expect to sob over a poodle with commitment issues at 2am but here we are. #BarkForHealing"
Another just said:
"Moose doesn't deserve her."
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Day 2: Corporate Attention
Brand deals began sliding into their DMs like overly enthusiastic penguins:
Sniffly: CBD chewables for sensitive dogs
Tailr: Dating app for emotionally available pets
Barkle: The holy grail of petfluence. The Gucci of kibble endorsements.
They were officially upgraded to Tier 2 Barkle Influencers.
They'd be attending BarkCon, an exclusive event held once a year where the elite of canine content converged to bark, pose, and disrupt marketing as we know it.
The theme?
"Authenticity in an Over-Branded World."
Also:
"Fabio will be attending."
Carlton's face dropped. "Fabio. The Fur God. The glitter-wrapped menace of PetTok."
Travis cracked his knuckles. "It's go time."
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The Rival Returns: Fabio the Fur God
Fabio was everything Buttermilk was not:
Loud.
Wrinkled.
Constantly oiled.
Obsessed with glitter bombs.
His brand?
"Bark Boldly. Shine Always."
His fans?
The Regal Retrievers.
Fabio had once posted a shirtless (??) video with a parrot and a quote that read:
"Real dogs don't bark. They pose."
Travis launched their response series:
"Real Dogs Do Cry."
One video featured Buttermilk staring at the rain through a foggy window, music swelling behind her, her paw gently pressed to the glass.
The caption?
"When you loved them more than they loved squeaky bacon."
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Training Montage: Petfluencer Bootcamp
Carlton created a routine:
7:00 a.m. – Face yoga
8:00 a.m. – Pawfect post poses
10:00 a.m. – Fart control
Travis practiced interview questions. "Buttermilk, if you could bark to your younger self, what would you say?"
Buttermilk licked her foot.
"Insightful."
---
Enter Pierre and Fabio
Then came the knock. A soft, smug knock.
A velvet-robed man stood outside, holding a bulldog in a monogrammed tracksuit.
"Bonjour. I am Pierre. This is Fabio."
Fabio licked his nose while glaring at Buttermilk.
"We heard you were attempting… relevance."
Pierre handed over a scented business card:
Fabio. Barkle Platinum. 10 Million Followers.
Then dropped a custom chew toy shaped like a microphone and walked off into the fog.
Carlton stared.
"He just threw shade in peppermint-scented silence."
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Final Push: Buttermilk's Confessional
Title: "I Borked Too Hard"
The video began with piano chords and slow-motion wind.
Buttermilk sat before a candle, her face lit like a Renaissance painting.
Carlton whispered, "Give us vulnerability."
She blinked. Yawned. Let out a sigh so deep the screen faded to black.
"You are not just a bark. You are a voice."
– Title card.
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The Results
4,000 new followers per hour
17 articles with headlines like "Canine Catharsis and the Meaning of Woof"
A cover on Dogue
Barkle emailed again.
"Prepare for BarkCon. And bring your authenticity."
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Closing Scene: A Paw in the Storm
That night, Buttermilk snuggled into her beanbag, unaware she was a cultural icon.
Carlton scrolled through comments, tears in his eyes.
"Someone said she's the Barklamation of Independence."
Travis nodded.
"She started as a poodle. But now? She's a movement."
Outside, in the alley, a squirrel made direct eye contact.
Buttermilk lifted her head.
The storm was coming.
But for now, the internet had a queen.
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