Arthur stood at the front of what could generously be called a classroom.Except there were no walls.No floor.Just a floating blackboard in the middle of the void, scribbled with completely useless equations like:
"Wrath + Laziness = Godslayer?"
"Step 1: Touch Grass (Optional)"
"Primordial Chaos is just spicy air."
Sitting in the "audience" were a few unfortunate souls dragged here against their will:A very nervous dragon, a demon general who looked like he wanted to cry, and a cat wearing a wizard hat for some reason. (The cat looked like it knew too much.)
Arthur tapped the blackboard with a pointer stick made entirely out of sarcasm.
He cleared his throat.
"Alright, welcome to How to Become a Cosmic Disaster 101," he said, tone 100% serious.
The dragon raised a claw, very hesitantly. "I—I think I'm in the wrong place—"
Arthur's Eyes of Sloth glowed with that lazy, judgmental light.
"Nope. This is exactly where the multiverse needs you to be. Shut up and learn."
The dragon immediately shut up.
Arthur flipped a page on his invisible clipboard.
"Step One: Get traumatized. And I mean really traumatized. Like, 'your family vanished and you got dumped into a cosmic horror show' kind of bad."
The demon general visibly winced. The cat just licked its paw, unfazed.
"Step Two," Arthur said, casually spinning the pointer. "Find something ridiculously overpowered. Preferably cursed. Bonus points if it talks to you in your dreams and ruins your ability to make normal friendships."
He snapped his fingers.
Two glowing orbs appeared behind him — the Eyes of Wrath and Sloth — twirling dramatically like they were auditioning for a magical girl anime.
Arthur grinned. "Side effects may include spontaneous combustion, unstable time perception, and becoming unnecessarily attractive to emotionally unavailable people."
The dragon blinked. "Hotter, like—temperature?"
"Shut up," Arthur said sweetly.
He pointed to the next item.
"Step Three: Forget physics exists."
Then he kicked the blackboard.
It exploded into rainbow confetti and promptly caught on imaginary fire.
"Gravity? Logic? Cause and effect?" Arthur scoffed. "Cute. Ignore them. You're no longer in reality—you're just aggressively guest-starring in it."
The cat meowed approvingly.
Arthur gave a nod. "Smart cat."
He raised four fingers.
"Step Four: Build a deeply toxic bond with chaos."
Reality behind him warped into a swirling vortex shaped like a giant middle finger, flipping off the gods themselves.
The demon general whimpered.
Arthur kept going, perfectly chill.
"And finally…"
He paused for effect, his Eyes of Sloth glowing ever so slightly.
He leaned in like he was sharing state secrets.
"Step Five: Always. Make. It. Fun."
The cat stood on two legs and clapped like it had been waiting for that line all day.
Arthur reached down, adjusted its wizard hat, and smiled.
"Congratulations. You're now a licensed Cosmic Disaster. Go forth. Break things. Ruin someone's day. Maybe two someones if you're feeling spicy."
The dragon passed out on the spot.
The demon screamed and ran into the void like it owed him money.
The cat teleported away. Probably to start a bakery.
Arthur dusted off his hands, clearly pleased.
Another successful lecture.
Then he turned toward the reader, gave a slow wink, and said with a grin:
"See you at the end of the universe."