Chapter 23: When Your Pets Become Boss-Level Beasts
You know something's wrong when the guy who literally explodes when he's annoyed goes completely silent.
That's what was happening in the royal palace of Alabasta.
Viola paced across the marble floor like a very worried, very well-dressed hurricane. The wide halls of the palace echoed with her footsteps, each one more dramatic than the last. She was nervous, and not the "I forgot my speech" kind. This was the "a guy who can turn you into fireworks hasn't checked in" kind of nervous.
"He should've reached the port by now," she said, brushing a hand through her dark hair. Her eyes, which could read hearts and thoughts like open books, weren't helping at the moment. "There's no way Gladius is late. He's too loud to be subtle and too punctual to mess up a rendezvous."
Across the room, sitting in a chair way too small for his wide frame, was the human enigma known as Senor Pink. You ever seen a grown man in a pink onesie, a pacifier, and shades speak with more dignity than a king?
Now you have.
"I don't like this," he muttered, chewing on the end of a cigar that was somehow still lit despite being nowhere near his mouth. "We don't have enemies in this region. No Marines. No bounty hunters. Not even that annoying chef with the curly eyebrows."
Viola's eyes narrowed. "That's what bothers me. If it was an enemy, we'd know. Someone this strong doesn't just vanish."
She turned and looked out the palace window. Sand dunes shimmered beyond the city walls, lazy and golden under the sun. The capital was peaceful. Too peaceful.
Then it hit her.
"…New players."
Senor Pink raised an eyebrow. "New pirates?"
"Maybe. Someone outside the usual game," she said. "Whoever they are, they were strong enough to take Gladius down. Or capture him. Either way, that's a problem."
Now, here's the thing about Senor Pink. He may look like a walking baby shower accident, but he's smarter than he looks—and he's been through wars that would make grown men weep. And when he stands up to protect someone?
You do not want to be on the other side.
"I'm not letting anyone take us out one by one," he said, getting up. "You're not going anywhere alone from now on. I stay by your side."
Viola gave him a long look. "You know I can handle myself."
He didn't argue. He just adjusted his diaper belt and grunted. "And I'll make sure you don't have to."
Meanwhile, the rest of the squad wasn't exactly waiting around sipping cactus juice.
The orders went out. Mr. 5, the human cannonball with explosive boogers (don't ask), was already suiting up with that scowl he thought made him look cool. Miss Valentine, who could change her weight on a whim (and use it to smash your skull in with an umbrella), twirled through the air like she was auditioning for a Broadway show with a body count. And Miss Doublefinger—part cactus, part psychopath—was already sharpening her thorn-blades with enough excitement to raise eyebrows.
"We're heading out along the route," Valentine announced, licking a lollipop. "If he didn't make it to port, then we start from the ocean. Either he got sunk or snatched."
"Take two ships," Viola said. "Follow the merchant lanes. Talk to informants. Bribe someone if you have to."
"Or stab them," Miss Doublefinger added helpfully.
"Whatever gets results," Viola said with a tired sigh.
Senor Pink adjusted his hat. "If it is new players… we'll find them."
Viola nodded slowly, but deep down she knew something was off. Way off. People like Gladius don't just vanish. Especially not in a place like this.
Someone had sent a message.
They just hadn't used words.
--------------------
So, you know it's a bad day when your super-secret investigation squad is being hunted… by a flying whale.
Yeah. You heard me right.
Flying. Whale.
But let me rewind.
The pirate crew thought they were clever—sticking together, keeping to the shadows, sending their mid-tier weirdos like Mr. 5, Miss Valentine, and Miss Doublefinger on a stealth mission. It was a decent plan. Not exactly evil genius tier, but good enough that I might've worried... if I hadn't brought a walking water dinosaur and a sky-diving blimp whale to the party.
We ninja had decided to go full sneak attack mode. And not just any sneak attack—the "let our ridiculously overpowered animal friends do the heavy lifting while we watch from above like it's a ninja-themed movie night" kind.
High above the sparkling blue sea, we floated on summoned clouds and platforms while Kakashi-sensei projected the battle below using his Sharingan like it was freaking HD hologram. Honestly, I wish we had popcorn.
"Targets acquired," Shino said, pushing up his sunglasses like this was a bug-themed mission briefing.
Below us, our enemies were sailing in a pretty boring-looking ship. They had no idea what was coming. That was the best part.
"Let's light 'em up," I muttered.
Kiba let out a loud whoop from Laboon's back. "Time to stretch your wings, buddy!"
Now, if you haven't met Laboon, let me introduce you: he's a sky whale. He used to just be a baby whale who liked to headbutt ships for fun. But then he spent a few weeks soaking in Kiba's chakra like a sponge in a hot tub, and now? Wings, wind affinity, water manipulation, and an attitude that says I'm bigger than your house and I know it.
Kiba and Akamaru—who was running along invisible air paths like a four-legged ninja jet—rode Laboon like it was the world's weirdest sky chariot.
Down in the ocean, my own buddy—Blue, the Spinosaurus—was gliding just under the surface. Ever since Kurama and I pumped him full of our chakra, he'd gone from "cool dinosaur pet" to "I control the tides now, peasant." Spiky, sneaky, and sharp enough to slice a ship in half. Love that guy.
And here's the thing: we didn't even need to fight. Not really. These guys—Mr. 5 with his booger bombs, Miss Valentine with her weight gimmicks, and Doublefinger the cactus—were so outclassed it was actually kind of sad. Almost made me feel bad.
Almost.
Above the ship, Laboon flapped his massive wings, casting a whale-shaped shadow across the deck. Below the surface, Blue narrowed his glowing eyes and began to spin his dorsal spines like they were prepping for sushi. And Akamaru? That adorable murder fluffball was already dashing through the air, wind chakra gathering around him like a cyclone as he began spinning.
"Drill mode," Kiba called out with a grin. "Akamaru, let's delete that ship from the map!"
The pirates finally looked up.
Mr. 5 dropped his cigarette.
Miss Valentine's umbrella tilted sideways.
Doublefinger's cactus-hair visibly wilted.
Because what they saw was this:
A whale the size of a small mountain sky-diving straight at them.
A dinosaur-shaped torpedo underwater charging full speed, ready to carve through the hull.
And a ninja dog in midair spinning like a chakra-powered blender, aimed right at the side.
"Oh... no," Mr. 5 whispered.
Oh yes.
I crossed my arms and smiled.
"Showtime."
I'll admit it—we were expecting a short show.
You know, a quick kaboom, maybe some screaming, and then toast. We even had chairs. Real, summoned-by-sand-style chairs, thanks to Gaara, who decided to join us with a "I didn't wanna miss this" face.
But what we got?
It was better than fireworks on Ramen Day.
Miss Valentine leapt into the air like a spring-loaded umbrella. One second she was light as a feather—literally one kilogram—and the next second she cranked herself up to 10,000 kilograms.
Now, let me tell you something.
You haven't seen weird until you've seen a human meteor kick a flying whale.
Laboon grunted—yes, whales can grunt—and swerved sideways like someone had slapped a blimp with a sledgehammer. But props to him, he held strong, spiraled in the air like a pro, and stayed flying.
Miss Valentine, on the other hand?
Well, you ever seen a cannonball suddenly remember gravity?
She crashed back down toward the ship like a falling piano, but—clever girl—she lowered her weight at the last second. Probably trying not to break every bone in her body or destroy her own ride home.
"Okay," Sakura muttered. "That was... mildly impressive."
Then Mr. 5 stepped up with his upgraded rifle, because of course he had an upgrade. Probably stole it from some unlucky marine captain.
He aimed at Blue—my Spinosaurus buddy underwater—and fired what I can only describe as explosive air bullets. Not wind-style, not fire-style. Just kaboom.
They hit the ocean with force, throwing up waves like angry sea gods doing backflips.
Blue roared, twisted, and dodged. You know your enemy's dangerous when your water dinosaur doesn't feel like tanking the hits.
But while Mr. 5 was playing whack-a-dino, Akamaru was having a very different kind of party.
On the right flank, Miss Doublefinger had covered her side of the ship with giant steel-cutting spikes that made the boat look like a floating porcupine of doom. Maybe she thought they'd stop Akamaru.
Spoiler alert: they didn't.
With chakra glowing around his paws, and wind swirling behind him, Akamaru drilled forward like a fuzzy missile of vengeance.
And the moment he touched the spikes? BOOM.
Wood, steel, chakra—everything went flying.
The ship exploded sideways in a glorious mess of debris, splinters, and people yelling things like "I REGRET NOTHING!"
When the ocean settled, the ninja animals circled around lazily like predators playing with their food.
Three devil fruit users and a bunch of goons were now floating on chunks of wood, dripping wet and confused about every life decision they'd ever made.
Miss Valentine clung to a broken mast, coughing and glaring.
Mr. 5 reloaded his rifle with shaking hands.
Miss Doublefinger spat out a splinter. "This wasn't in the mission briefing."
From above, Choji passed the popcorn to Shikamaru.
"I give that eight out of ten," Ino said.
"Meh. Seven," Kiba replied, stroking Akamaru's fur as the pup returned to his side like the hero he was.
Meanwhile, Blue did a proud little spin in the water and sent a wave toward the wreckage, just for fun.
I cracked my knuckles and looked at Kakashi-sensei. "Well, sensei? Think they're ready for questioning?"
Kakashi's eye curved like he was smiling under the mask. "After that? Oh yeah. They'll talk."
And if they didn't?
Well… Akamaru still looked hungry.
------------------
You'd think that after your ship gets turned into a DIY raft set, and a flying dog turns your dreams into dog food, you'd take the L and swim home.
But no. These guys were persistent.
Miss Valentine floated above the wreckage like a very angry balloon, Mr. 5 clutched his smoldering rifle like it owed him money, and Miss Doublefinger was trying to regrow her spikes on a soggy piece of wood while looking like she'd just chewed a lemon.
That's when the ocean rumbled.
No, seriously—it rumbled. Like it was hungry.
Blue, my water-happy dinosaur, circled below them like a shark that went to the gym. And Laboon? He was just hovering, tail swishing in the air, watching like this was a live-action comedy.
Miss Valentine narrowed her eyes. "We can still win this."
Lady. You weigh one kilogram half the time. You are not about to solo a whale and a dinosaur in the ocean.
But they didn't get the memo.
Mr. 5 fired another blast at Blue—bad idea. Blue dove, dodged, and came up behind him like a scaly torpedo. Before Mr. 5 could reload, Blue's giant jaws clamped around the piece of wood he was floating on and flipped it.
Mr. 5 screamed something about "Not like this!" as he was launched into the air and belly-flopped into the sea.
Strike one.
Doublefinger tried to make a spike ladder back onto the debris. Laboon decided she didn't need one. He dropped from the sky like a majestic meatball and sent a wave crashing over her.
She vanished beneath the surf, flailing and spitting and regretting all her fashion choices.
Strike two.
That left Miss Valentine, still floating, still glaring, and probably calculating how to become 10,000 kg and crush us all.
Blue and Laboon looked at each other—and I swear they nodded.
Next thing I know?
Laboon launched a whirlpool upward with his tail. Water spiraled into the sky like a reverse tornado. Valentine screeched as the air pressure knocked her balance and she dropped straight into Blue's waiting jaws.
Not gonna lie—I almost felt bad.
Almost.
Down they went—Blue dragging Mr. 5 and Miss Valentine, Laboon hauling Doublefinger—all three of them wrapped in water, getting a crash course in why fighting sea beasts in the ocean is the worst decision ever if you eat Devil Fruit for breakfast.
I imagine the conversation down there went something like this:
Blue: "Hi, welcome to the deep end."
Laboon: "Would you like your defeat with bubbles or ice?"
The pirates: "Glub."
Back on our floating platform (read: Gaara's sand patio), Kakashi gave a small nod.
"They'll live," he said. "Barely."
"Good," Kurenai added. "That means they can answer questions."
Shikamaru sighed. "What a drag. Can we just use genjutsu and skip the waterboarding?"
Hinata flushed. "Shikamaru-kun, that is waterboarding."
Me? I just grinned and watched the air bubbles rise.
Lesson of the day?
Don't fight whales and dinosaurs in their own house.
Especially when their house is the ocean.
------------
You ever drag three soaking-wet, half-conscious pirates through the desert while a giant whale hums the Naruto opening theme behind you?
Yeah, me neither. Until today.
We finally got back to our underground hideout—courtesy of Gaara's "Sand Shack Deluxe™" jutsu. Picture a cozy little ninja bunker in the middle of nowhere, with actual rooms made of sand that somehow don't collapse every time someone sneezes. Don't ask me how it works. That's Gaara magic. Sandbender stuff.
Anyway, our guests of honor were Mr. 5, Miss Doublefinger, and Miss Valentine. All three were now floating in glass water tanks, just like Gladius—who, by the way, was still stuck in his own dream world, mumbling something about Doflamingo's fashion sense being "ahead of its time."
Right.
Kakashi stood in front of the tanks with his usual casual calm, like this was just another Tuesday. "All right. Let's begin."
Ino, Kurenai, and Kakashi took turns poking around their brains. Metaphorically. (Okay, sometimes literally.)
"Where are Viola and Senor Pink currently located?" Kurenai asked Miss Valentine, who was still trying to keep her mascara from running in the water. Priorities, I guess.
Miss V glared at us and said something that sounded like, "Go blow up a sunflower."
"Not helpful," Kurenai replied sweetly, and her Sharingan lit up like a disco ball.
A few seconds later, Miss V blinked and said, "North wing of the Alabasta Palace. Room with golden drapes and pink cushions. Viola drinks jasmine tea. Senor Pink eats pork buns."
"Now we're getting somewhere," said Shikamaru, scribbling it all down like the world's most bored stenographer.
We ran through the usual questions:
— What time do they eat?
— Where do they sleep?
— Are they morning people or "stab-you-before-coffee" types?
Turns out, Senor Pink is surprisingly punctual. Wakes up at 6 a.m., does fifty pushups in his baby bonnet, and dunks himself in cold water like it's a daily ritual. Viola? She's a night owl with a taste for spicy curry and murder.
"Do they have security?" Sakura asked.
"Yes," Mr. 5 groaned. "Viola has two guards, and Pink's room has a trapdoor. Also, don't go near the rubber duck."
Kiba snorted. "Rubber duck?"
"It explodes," Mr. 5 said with a deadpan look. "Obviously."
This crew really needed a group therapist.
Miss Doublefinger was the last to talk, but when she did, she spilled everything—probably because Akamaru was giving her the "I will eat your soul" glare from the shadows. That dog was a menace.
"We're not telling you anything else," Miss V finally snapped, arms crossed inside her tank.
"Great," said Kakashi, eye-smiling. "Then you'll just have to hang out with Gladius and his imaginary tea party for a few more days."
"Wait—he's having a tea party in there?" Choji asked.
"Yeah," I said. "With flamingos and an orchestra made of pineapples."
Everyone went quiet.
"…You sure we're the good guys?" Shino muttered.
We didn't answer that one.