You ever wake up, look at the ceiling, and think to yourself, "Today might be the day I die."
Yeah. That was me. This morning.
Not because of some epic boss fight or karmic destiny.
Nope.
It's because I just remembered…
We're going to Inazuma.
THE Inazuma.
The land of electro archons, government-issued trauma, and the trees probably whisper, "Abandon hope, ye who enter here."
I swear to Celestia, if I get struck by lightning the moment we step foot on that godforsaken island, I will haunt Ei. For eternity. I'm writing this here so there's legal documentation.
Anyway, we went to Katheryne today—y'know, the Liyue branch one, not the Mondstadt one who pretends not to know me after the fish incident. Long story. Not relevant. Probably.
As always, Katheryne greeted us with her creepy-perfect smile.
"Ad astra abyssosque. Welcome to the Adventurers' Guild. What would you like to—"
"We wanna go to Inazuma!" Paimon blurted out like it was a trip to Disneyland.
Katheryne blinked. And then, in true NPC fashion, she tilted her head at a 45-degree angle of polite confusion.
"Ah yes, I've heard that you've already made arrangements with the Captain of the Crux fleet regarding your passage to Inazuma. Is that correct?"
Paimon puffed up. "Yep! Beidou said she'd take us!"
Katheryne placed a thoughtful finger to her chin, as if rebooting her database. "Now that I think about it, it has been quite some time since I last visited those lands... Unfortunately, I don't have any useful intel to offer you."
Classic. She says it like she took a weekend trip to trauma town and just forgot to take notes.
I leaned on the counter dramatically. "Well, if you're gonna ask me, personally, I don't really wanna go there and you know? Justdie at the hands of the Archon of Depression… or worse, get murdered by a damn tree. But hey, it's all part of being an adventurer with a death wish."
Katheryne just smiled. Not sure if it was encouragement or her customer service AI short-circuiting.
I looked at Lumine and Paimon. "We just wanted to say goodbye… ain't that right?"
Lumine nodded solemnly. Paimon gave a tiny salute.
And that was that.
A few seconds later, a buff guy with arms thicker than my self-esteem came barreling in. He had a bandana, no shirt and just vest (why are buff dudes in Teyvat allergic to shirts?), and he smelled like salt, sweat, and manly regret.
"There you are!" he boomed. "You're the Traveler and her companions that Captain Beidou will be takin' to Inazuma, right?"
I raised a brow. "Depends. Are you gonna kill us and throw us into the sea?"
He laughed. I did not.
"We're settin' sail now! Come on!"
We said our final goodbyes to Katheryne—who, I swear, gave me the most passive-aggressive "take care" ever—and followed the walking bicep outside.
He introduced himself as Sea Drake.
I'm not even kidding.
SEA. DRAKE.
Like bro. You don't just name yourself that. That's not a name, that's a rejected pirate OC.
Anyway, we reached The Crux and of course, there she was.
Captain Beidou.
The walking definition of swagger. The woman who probably wrestled a sea monster once because it looked at her funny. She gave us a confident nod like, "Yeah, I got you, don't even trip."
And then… we set sail.
To the land of anime trauma.
The breeze was cool. Seagulls squawked. Kazuha, for reasons unknown to man, was just chilling on the highest mast like he's the poetic anime guy in every school anime opening.
Beidou looked majestic, staring into the sea like a captain out of a novel, while I—
I was dying.
I wish I was joking.
I WAS SEASICK. HORRIBLY. AGONIZINGLY. UNREDEEMABLY SEASICK.
Every time I moved, my organs performed the Macarena.
"Hey Shigeru, come explore the ship with us!" Lumine said.
"Y-Yeah! There's food too!" Paimon added.
I glared at them both through half-lidded eyes, clutching my emergency plastic bag.
"If I move one more inch, I will throw up on your boots, Lumine. Don't test me."
They left me behind. Heartless. Cold. Monsters.
As I lay there on the wooden floor of the ship, gently rocking like a cursed cradle of death, I questioned every life decision that led me here.
Why did I agree to this? Why didn't I just stay in Liyue and sell grilled fish to tourists?
Why is the sky spinning?
Kazuha came down once. Looked at me like I was some fallen warrior from a tragic poem.
"The sea has its own rhythm," he said cryptically.
"Tell the sea to shut up," I mumbled.
He smiled.
BECAUSE HE THINKS IT'S FUNNY.
The bastard.
After what felt like five hours (it was 20 minutes), Lumine came back and brought water.
"You okay?"
"No."
"Want food?"
"Do you want puke?"
She backed off. Smart.
Later that night, the sun began to set. I was still sick, but at least the sky was pretty. Paimon floated beside me, munching on dried fruit like this was a damn cruise.
"So... excited for Inazuma?" she asked.
I rolled over slowly, plastic bag in hand.
"If I die, tell Beidou I want a Viking funeral. With fireworks. And Kazuha has to read a poem."
Paimon: "...Noted."
I sighed.
"Also, if I survive... I swear I'm punching a tree. Just one. For revenge."
We both stared at the horizon, the waves crashing gently below. Somewhere in the distance, Inazuma waited. Mysterious. Dangerous. Emotionally unstable.
And here I was.
Still dying.
And after what felt like seventy-two years of emotional suffering and seasick hallucinations, we finally—finally—made it to Inazuma.
Yay.
No seriously, yay. Or like, yay with an asterisk. Because while the island looked like it had been handcrafted by Celestia's personal Pinterest board—with sakura trees, clean stone paths, and a skyline that screamed "postcard vibes"—you kinda couldn't ignore the minor, barely noticeable red flag of "Oh hey, the Archon here might commit legal murder because your jewelry glows."
Fun.
I wanted to cry. But I was too dehydrated.
"Look! We're here!" Paimon shouted like a toddler entering a theme park, floating ahead without a care in the world.
Lumine, of course, looked composed. Heroic. Probably already calculating the number of sub-quests she could unlock by smiling at locals.
Me?
I was dying.
Still.
Still dying.
I had one foot on land and one foot still mentally on the ship, and both were vibrating in seasick misery.
The dock was bustling. Inazuman guards were everywhere, side-eyeing us like we were about to do crime. Beidou was still beside us, arms crossed, wind ruffling her coat like she was posing for the cover of "Pirate Vogue."
And that's when he appeared.
Thoma.
The man, the myth, the domestic legend.
He was just there, sitting on a crate, flipping a coin like some anime butler waiting for his cue.
"Ahoy there," he said, standing up with a grin so sunshiney I momentarily forgot I wanted to vomit on my own soul.
If this had been three days ago, I would've launched into full fanboy mode. Heart eyes. Sparkles. Maybe even a dramatic gasp and swoon combo.
But instead, all I managed was a weak, "...Bro, help. I'm dying."
Lumine had to prop me up like a puppet with broken strings. I think I whispered "kill me" three times before anyone even acknowledged my existence.
Thoma blinked, a little surprised, then looked at Beidou. "So, you finally made it. You sure kept me waiting, Captain."
"Traffic, because of the storms your Archon caused," Beidou said, shrugging. "And a human disaster on board." She nodded at me.
Rude.
Thoma's eyes shifted to me, then to Lumine and Paimon. "Ah… And it appears you have a few stowaways. Or perhaps I should say—honored guests?"
"I will throw up on your shoes," I whispered. "With honor."
He chuckled. The bastard.
Beidou took a step forward. "These are the ones I told you about. The Traveler, her floating food critic, and… that one."
"Still right here," I said, deadpan.
She grinned. "And that's Thoma. He works for the Kamisato Clan. He's the one who'll make sure you don't get yourselves arrested. Or executed."
"Oh good," I wheezed. "A housemaid and a miracle worker."
Thoma gave a thumbs-up like this was a sitcom intro. "Nice to meet you all officially."
After some friendly pleasantries—by which I mean Lumine and Thoma spoke like civilized beings while I tried to not choke on my own tongue—Beidou gave us her farewell.
"If all's settled, I'll be going," she said, giving Thoma a knowing look. "I wouldn't want to be caught with my sails down here. I do have one wanted fugitive on board, after all."
My soul left my body for a second. "Wait, who's the fugitive—oh, it's Kazuha. Right. The anemo boy is with us."
She turned to us with a final smile. "Until next time, Traveler, Paimon, Shigeru. Remember to give it your all, no matter what perilous storms you may encounter."
Paimon: "Bye Beidou! Thanks again!"
Lumine: "Stay safe."
Me: nods while internally vomiting
Beidou gave a salute and walked off, back toward her ship, cloak fluttering dramatically because of course it did.
"Now then," Thoma said cheerfully. "First things first, we need to get you all registered at the border checkpoint."
I squinted at him. "After registration… can you bury me?"
"Hopefully that won't be necessary."
It was.
I threw up in a bush. Paimon screamed. A small Inazuman child nearby also screamed, probably traumatized forever. I'm sorry, small child. You shouldn't have witnessed that.
Anyway, after I lost the last bits of my dignity somewhere between vomiting and dry heaving, Thoma guided us toward the checkpoint.
"We'll be hiding under the guise of merchants," he explained as we walked. "Totally legal, no worries."
Lumine nodded like this was normal.
Paimon: "We've done worse."
Me: "Literally last time I left you two alone, a sea god's wife tried to drown an entire city."
Paimon: "That wasn't our fault!"
"You summoned a killing machine with a flute!"
"No, we didn't!!"
Lumine smiled at me. "You worry too much."
"I worry the perfect amount when I'm traveling with chaos incarnate and her floating enabler."
We reached the checkpoint. A couple guards gave us the usual "are you dangerous" stare. I attempted to look harmless, which was easy since I looked like a wet noodle with regret.
While Thoma and the girls handled the logistics, I flopped on a bench and tried not to die.
"Just rest for now," Lumine told me. "We'll finish things up with Thoma."
"Promise me something," I croaked.
"What is it?"
"Don't summon anything ancient that could cause destruction. Don't pick up ancient weapons. Don't enter portals to hell. And please… for the love of every Mora I've ever wasted, don't get arrested."
Paimon crossed her arms. "We're not that bad!"
I gave her a look.
"…Okay, fine. No chaos."
"Thank you," I muttered, clutching my emergency bag. "I just… I can't survive another diplomatic incident. Not here. Not in Booba Sword Land."
They laughed. Monsters.
And then they left with Thoma, all casual and happy while I melted into the bench like a forgotten piece of mochi.
I stared at the sakura trees above me. Somewhere, the Electro Archon was probably filing her nails with a lightning bolt and preparing to smite the next idiot who smiled too hard.
And I had a very, very bad feeling that idiot was gonna be us.
_________________________
End of Chapter 44
Quests Completed:
*Board the Crux and Set Sail to Inazuma
*Survive the Boat Ride Without Dying
* Meet Thoma, Kamisato Clan's Goldilocks Housemaid
*Lecture Lumine and Paimon Before They Break The World Again
Rewards:
*+500 Adventure Rank XP (mainly for not dying)
*+1 Plastic Vomit Bag (Legendary, Unbreakable)
*+10 Affection with Beidou (she didn't throw me off the ship)
*+1 Passive-Aggressive Goodbye from Katheryne
*+5 Worry Lines
*+1 Emotional Damage Buff (duration: entire Inazuma Arc)
*+??? Trust Points with Thoma (pending post-vomit interaction)