You know those days when you think, "Hey, let's just have one drink," and then somehow you wake up under a tree, hugging a bottle of dandelion wine, with a Geo Archon to your left and an Anemo bard curled up like a cat to your right? Yeah. That happened.
It all started when I—Shigeru, your favorite accidental isekai protagonist—thought it would be an absolute banger idea to go back to Angel's Share for more booze. We had already downed a few with Zhongli and Venti earlier, but apparently my brain was still riding the waves of chaotic energy and decided, "You know what we need? More. Alcohol."
And like the enablers they are, the other two just nodded.
"Let's go bless Diluc's place again," I said with a smirk, nearly tripping on my own foot as we made our way to the bar. I swear, the sparkle in Venti's eyes lit up like he just heard a hymn dedicated to booze.
Diluc was already inside, polishing glasses like the responsible adult he is, when I burst through the doors like I owned the place.
"SOOOO... when's the wedding, huh?" I shouted loud enough for Celestia to hear. Jean nearly dropped her clipboard. Diluc... didn't flinch. Bro had the calm of a man who has weathered worse.
"Get out."
"Not until I get my booze and a confirmation on your wedding colors."
Venti added a song for dramatic flair. Zhongli asked if they'd considered hiring a Yaksha as their ring bearer. It was perfect.
And we did get the booze. Somehow. I think Diluc gave up on life for a second.
Anyway, the three of us stumbled back to Windrise. Cups? Who needs cups? Cups are optional when you're gods and... me. We sat beneath the tree, bottles in hand, and started sharing stories. It was like a camping trip with too much emotional trauma and not enough marshmallows.
Zhongli started us off, his voice all poetic and stuff. "Guizhong and I built Liyue together. Her laugh was like chimes in spring..."
Man, even drunk, this guy talks like an opera.
Venti, not wanting to be out-sad-boyed, piped up with his own tear-jerker. "My friend... the one whose form I took... he played music like the wind danced for him. I carry him with me."
And then there's me. Shigeru. I cleared my throat.
"I simp for Nilou so hard I forgot how to spell 'self-respect.'"
Zhongli stared. Venti almost choked on his bottle.
"Like, you guys don't understand. It's a CRIME to not simp for her. Those dance moves? That smile? My guy. I would fight Dvalin twice for fun just for her. I would slap the Tsaritsa. I would—"
I think I blacked out mid-sentence because the next thing I knew, it was morning, and the birds were singing like they were mocking my existence.
My head felt like a hilichurl was doing the samba inside it.
"Ugh..." I groaned, sitting up. "My brain has a heartbeat. And it's angry."
Zhongli looked mildly annoyed, like this was just Tuesday for him.
Venti? Still asleep. Hugging a bottle.
We dragged ourselves to the nearby lake. Cold water. Salvation.
"This," I said while splashing my face, "is the first time I've enjoyed drinking in a long time."
"Then it's a sign that you should drink more," Venti declared as he floated over.
Zhongli didn't even blink. "Don't listen to that bard, Shigeru. Alcohol is unhealthy."
We all laughed like idiots.
Then came the goodbyes. Venti stretched, wind swirling around him.
"Liyue visit soon?" I asked.
"Maybe," he smiled. "Not today, though. The winds tell me there's mischief afoot."
Zhongli and I used the teleport waypoint because we're lazy—ahem, I mean, efficient. As soon as we popped back into Liyue Harbor, the atmosphere hit us like a Hydro Slime to the face.
"...Did we just walk into a disaster movie?" I blinked.
The sky was dark—like, 'angry ocean god' dark. Swirling clouds, thunder rumbling like an angry god playing drums with a vengeance, and to top it off, the distinct scent of incoming disaster.
"Is that... a vortex in the sky?" I asked, pointing at the twisting mass of aquatic doom above the harbor. "Did someone forget to pay the Hydro Archon's water bill?!"
Zhongli calmly adjusted his collar, unbothered as usual. "Hmm. This bears an uncanny resemblance to the time Osial was awakened."
"Oh great," I groaned. "Last time it was that sea monster. This time it's probably his divorced Hydro ex-wife. Wonderful."
"Dark clouds... vortexy... oh no," I muttered.
And then it happened.
BOOM. A Hydro beam blasted through the sky. And Lumine—sweet, sunshine-bringing Lumine—got YEETED across the sky like she owed someone Mora.
"WHAT IN THE ACTUAL—?!" I screamed. "GODDAMN! I was gone for literally ONE DAY!"
Zhongli looked like he was trying not to sigh out loud. Again.
Shenhe caught Lumine mid-flight like it was a game of aerial dodgeball, and I just stood there, pointing, bottle still in hand.
"The heck did those two DO?!"
I turned to Zhongli, wide-eyed. "Man, I gotta go. I think my team is dying. Catch you later!"
And like that, I ran toward the chaos.
I had no idea what the hell was going on.
But one thing's for sure...
Never trust a peaceful day in Teyvat.
***
Let me tell you something. When you see a giant Hydro beam slicing the sky in half and your sunshine-drenched Traveler BFF getting yeeted like a leaf in a hurricane, you don't walk—you run. Especially if your name is Shigeru and you've got main character syndrome on steroids.
"NOPE. Nope. Nope-nope-nope-nope—LUMINE, HOLD ONTO YOUR SHORTS!"
And with that war cry of sheer heroic dumbassery, I bolted toward the nearest cliff like it owed me Mora, aimed my whole soul at the storm above, and launched myself.
I wasn't even thinking. I just knew I had to get up there and stop whatever pissed-off sea witch was raining destruction down like she was mad at the entire concept of dry land.
Midair, I spotted a familiar shock of purple hair below. Keqing. She looked up. I winked.
She actually smiled and waved, sword in hand, like this was just another Tuesday.
I spun mid-air, summoned a geo spear like a badass Avatar reject, and hurled it at the giant whirlpool of angry seafood.
"HEY FISH LADY! EVER HEARD OF CHILLING OUT?!"
BOOM. Direct hit. The spear slammed into the side of Beisht, the scorned sea spaghetti herself, like a giant middle finger made of rock.
I landed right in front of Shenhe like a dramatic anime entrance, cape (I don't have one) flapping (still don't have one), and ground cracking (okay, that part's real).
She raised her polearm like I was the appetizer before the main seafood course.
"Who are you?" she asked, eyes cold as a Liyue winter.
"Whoa whoa whoa—easy there, Glacier Mommy. I come in peace!"
Lumine and Paimon came flying in, waving their hands like I was a poorly trained hilichurl about to get exorcised.
"Wait, Shenhe, he's with us!" Lumine said.
"He's our friend!" Paimon added.
Shenhe paused, slowly lowering her weapon. "...Friend?"
I gave her my most charming grin. "Hi. I'm Shigeru. Another Mommy unlocked, huh?"
She blinked.
"Yeah, no offense, but you might just be the mommiest mommy in Teyvat. Well. Maybe second only to Mavuika. I would try to rizz you, but—one, you can literally end my bloodline with one finger, and two, I promised your bird mom I wouldn't."
"Bird... mom?" she echoed.
"Cloud Retainer," Lumine explained with a sigh.
"Oh," Shenhe replied flatly.
"Alright you two," I turned to Lumine and Paimon, crossing my arms dramatically. "What did I say about not summoning apocalyptic sea beasts every time I leave for one day?!"
"We didn't do anything!" Lumine pouted.
"She just popped out of nowhere!" Paimon added.
Shenhe nodded. "Let us discuss blame later. We must first eliminate the threat."
"Fair," I said, ruffling both of their hair. "We will talk about this later though. Prepare yourselves for the biggest, most dramatic scolding ever."
And then it was on.
Operation Beat the Angry Hydro Wife: Engage.
Shenhe dashed in first, graceful like a damn snowstorm with a grudge. Her polearm was a blur, slicing through Beisht's watery tendrils with cold elegance. Lumine followed, flinging hydro bursts and sword strikes like she was trying to impress her own reflection.
And me? I went full chaotic gremlin mode.
I summoned a geo platform midair and bounced off it like a trampoline, flying in with an Anemo blast that knocked Beisht's tentacles off-course.
"THIS IS FOR YEETING MY GIRL ACROSS THE SKY!"
I drop-kicked one of the tentacles, summoned another geo spear mid-spin, and stabbed it into the watery abyss.
Paimon zipped around shouting emotional support. "GO SHIGERU GO!"
Beisht screamed in aquatic rage and summoned a whirlpool beneath us.
"Uh oh," I muttered, before being sucked under.
But guess what?
Geo platform. Popped it beneath me. BAM. Instant water elevator.
I flew up with a whirlwind, did a full spin, and yelled, "GEOWINDY BONK TECHNIQUE!"
Slammed my geo-enhanced foot into her stupid angry water face.
Lumine hurled her sword like a comet, Shenhe buffed it midair with a cryo burst, and the thing EXPLODED on contact.
The sea trembled. Beisht roared, tried one last desperate attack, but I yelled.
"NOPE. YOU AIN'T THE MAIN BOSS TODAY!"
And together, we blasted her back into whatever water dimension she crawled out of.
Silence.
Then...
SPLASH.
Beisht vanished beneath the waves.
We stood there on the shore, dripping wet, tired, and slightly traumatized. But hey—we won.
Lumine knelt beside Shenhe. "Are you alright?"
"I was prepared to fight her alone," Shenhe replied. "I did not expect your arrival... or his." She glanced at me.
I gave a little wave. "What can I say? I make dramatic entrances."
Paimon floated over. "That's our Shigeru! He's kind of an idiot, but he's our idiot!"
"Appreciated," I said dryly.
Shenhe nodded. "I am Shenhe. Thank you... for assisting."
"Anytime," I said. "Especially if it involves giant sea monsters and powerful ladies."
Just then, Ningguang walked up like a queen surveying her queendom.
"How are things underwater?" she asked. Her eyes flicked to me and widened slightly. "Oh. You're here."
I raised a hand. "Surprise. Your favorite disaster is back."
Shenhe explained, "Beisht has been dealt with. It was injured before entering the sea, so the rest was not difficult."
Ningguang gave a nod. "Good. Then I take it the threat is gone."
"Gone like my dignity after that fight," I muttered. "That fish tried to eat me."
"Again?" Lumine said.
"Not helping."
Ningguang smiled faintly. "You've all done well. The Jade Chamber is open for you all. A feast will be held shortly."
Then she looked up at the cliff.
"You've been watching for some time. I trust you've reached a conclusion."
And there, standing on a cliff like the most judgy seagull in Teyvat, was Cloud Retainer.
I waved. "Waddup Mommy Bird!"
She ignored me. "Hmph. You wish to hear one's opinion?"
She glided down in all her majestic birb glory.
"Things would have hardly gone so smoothly had it not been for Shenhe... and perhaps... the Traveler. And..." she gave me a look like I was a muddy shoe on a tea table, "...the foolish one."
I saluted. "Your favorite fool, reporting for duty."
Ningguang raised an eyebrow. "I do not deny that. Still, final victory would've been ours regardless. I could have destroyed another Jade Chamber if needed."
Cloud Retainer huffed. "One has observed your modified Guizhong Ballista. One finds it... acceptably clever. You have learned. Adapted. Progress has been made."
She paused. "The Qixing's performance is satisfactory."
Ningguang nodded. "As Tianquan, I will always ensure Liyue's safety."
Cloud Retainer gave a birdy nod. "Traveler, please care for Shenhe. She is a dear child."
Then her eyes met mine.
"Foolish one. Keep your promise... or face consequences."
I held up both hands. "Hey now. I've been very well-behaved. Didn't even flirt once. That's progress."
"See that it stays that way." And with that, she yeeted herself back to the clouds.
Ningguang turned to us. "You are all invited to the Jade Chamber."
I cracked my neck. "Great. But first..." I turned to Lumine.
"You. Prepare yourself, Missy. That was the most traumatizing 'welcome home' party I've ever seen. You're getting a lecture so long, it'll need a table of contents."
She groaned.
Paimon sighed. "We're never living this down."
And I? I just grinned.
Because in the end... another day, another disaster survived. All in a day's work for your friendly neighborhood isekai idiot.
__________________________
End of Chapter 41
Quests Completed:
*Got Drunk with Two Gods and Share Embarrassing Stories.
*Recklessly Leap Off a Mountain and Yeet a Spear at a God
*Flirt Mid-Air with Keqing Like an Absolute Chad
*Get Mistaken for an Enemy by an Icy Cultivator Mommy
*Be Officially Recognized by Cloud Retainer (somehow...)
Rewards:
*+2 Information to Blackmail Two Old Archon
*Shenhe's Passive Approval (Locked at 30% - Do not flirt.)
*Cloud Retainer's Official "Do Not Touch My Daughter" Warning
*Invitation to the Jade Chamber Banquet: Chaos Edition
*Deep Internal Monologue Buff: +15% Witty Commentary
*Friendship EXP +750 (+500 with Venti, +250 with Zhongli)