Lena had a bad habit….
Lena stood frozen, feeling as though she were caught in some sort of crime, and Yuna stared coldly back at her from outside the door. The way Yuna looked at her so devoid of warmth and the question that had left her lips moments before made Lena feel like she was being pointed out as an impostor…
Lena had a habit…that no matter how often she realized it couldn't stop doing…
"Why are you taking so long at the door?" Lena heard Umire call from inside, followed by the sound of light, unhurried steps approaching closer from behind her.
Lena caught Yuna stiffen at the sound of Umire's voice, her cold expression vanishing, replaced with something more vulnerable that Lena couldn't quite place. Something strange twisted in Lena as she gazed at Yuna's face…the eyes that were no longer focused on her, pointing her out as an impostor—a parasite. The vulnerability in her expression…the slight blush that made its way back to her face…
The gentle press of an arm draping over her shoulder snapped Lena out of her trance. A moment later, Umire's full weight settled against her back—slow, deliberate, warm. She melted into Lena lazily, arms looping around her in a loose embrace, like it was the most natural thing in the world.
Lena froze, breath catching.
Umire leaned in, her hair brushing Lena's skin, warm and soft. A faint jasmine scent clung to her—familiar, dizzying. Heat bloomed beneath Lena's skin, slow and steady, as Umire leaned in even closer, her cheek grazing the side of Lena's head.
At the familiar warmth, Lena felt the twisting knot that had begun to grow inside of her loosen.
"What was taking you so long?" Umire asked playfully as she leaned on her, not yet noticing Yuna, who was still standing outside the door.
"Umm…I-", Lena started, but was cut off.
"Umire…." Yuna's voice broke through the dreamlike atmosphere that Umire had begun entrapping Lena in.
At the interruption, Lena felt Umire's body stiffen abruptly against hers and felt Umire's head move as she raised her head, gaze landing on Yuna, who still stood outside the door.
"Yuna…" Umire's voice came softly, a tremble threading through the single word. Lena wasn't sure if she imagined it, but there was something different. Not delicate—raw. Stripped bare in a way that felt too raw and personal to witness… vulnerable, a sharp contrast to the usual warmth that always colored Umire's voice when she spoke to her.
Lena couldn't see her face completely—Umire was still leaning into her from behind, her head resting lightly on her shoulder. All Lena could see was a curtain of soft black hair falling forward, partially veiling her expression. Only the slope of her nose peeked through the strands, motionless and unreadable.
Lena glanced at Yuna, and the twisting feeling returned, sharp and sickening, curling low in her stomach like a warning. That strange, unnamed emotion she could never quite shake.
Yuna's gaze was fixed on Umire's hands, still resting around Lena's waist, fingers loosely intertwined in a way that felt too intimate to explain away. Her expression shifted—not just with anger, but something deeper. Disbelief, maybe. Hurt. Resentment.
She seemed upset at the sight…but there was something else in her expression, too. Something that seemed to be yelling at Lena that she knew those arms didn't belong wrapped around her…that she wasn't meant to bask in that warmth. That this place wasnt meant for her.
Lena had a bad habit….
"Why is she here…why are you two together…" Yuna began trailing her voice quietly but seemed full of something vulnerable. "What about m-" Yuna raised her voice as she began speaking out the question, but seemed to stop herself and lowered her gaze to the ground again.
"I came to see you, Umire…" Yuna said suddenly, her voice trembling, thin and fragile, like it might snap if she spoke another word. She sounded like she was holding back tears. Barely.
Lena felt it the moment Umire tensed against her, just slightly, but enough. The warmth on her back, the arms wrapped snugly around her waist, the quiet comfort of it all—gone. Umire pulled away, and Lena was left standing there with nothing but the ghost of her touch, the space between them growing cold far too fast.
The remnants of the dream cracked like glass beneath her feet.
Without a word, Umire stepped past her.
Lena turned just in time to see Umire reach out and gently take Yuna's hand in hers, their fingers meeting in a soft clap. That small, practiced gesture made Yuna finally lift her head, and her eyes met Umire's.
"It's fine, Yuna. Come in," Umire said, her voice barely above a whisper. But there was something in—something strange. It wasn't the usual warmth Lena had come to expect; it was a tone Umire had never directed towards Lena.
It was stripped down. Raw. Soft. Like something unspoken was hiding just beneath the surface.
It was real.
Lena stayed frozen inside the apartment as the two stood at the threshold, fingers still loosely intertwined. From her angle, all she could see was Umire's back and the fall of her black hair brushing against her hoodie. But that view was enough. It made something loud and brutal claw through her thoughts, roaring in her skull like a siren.
She couldn't hear anything over it, not even her own breath.
Lena had a disgusting habit…
She knew it was pathetic, this clinging, this hunger to be chosen.
Lena felt her body stepping to the side leaning against the wall making way despite the roaring and ringing that was consuming her head as Umire and Yuna stepped inside, they walked past her Yuna closing the door as she walked inside.
They stepped into the living space—Umire first, Yuna trailing a few hesitant steps behind her. Lena found her body slowly moving forward to join them, her mind screaming as she tried to grip onto the remnants of the comforting dream that were slipping away like strands of hair, the farther Umire stepped from her, the more the strands seemed to slip from between Lena's fingertips.. Yuna sat down on the couch, and Lena could hear slight hiccups and sniffles coming from her.
Then—
"Hey, Lena…"
Umire's voice broke through the thundering in Lena's head as she turned towards her. Lena looked towards her eyes wide and desperate as she waited for her next words with bated breath. Her eyes snapped toward her, wide and pleading, caught in some invisible scream she couldn't shape into words.
Don't wake me up
Please. Don't let this be the end of it.
Choose ME!
Be real
She didn't know what she wanted to say—only that her heart was pushing something to the surface, something raw and clumsy and terrified. But whatever it was, Umire didn't seem to hear it.
"Sorry can you head home early today…I have some things to take care of." Umire spoke.
The roaring in Lena's mind didn't just fade; it vanished. And in its place came something worse: silence. A cold, sharp silence that made everything else ring louder—a deafening silence that made it so Lena heard everything going on too clearly and at the same time not at all. The sound of the wind from the cooler blowing, the faint sounds coming from outside, and Yuna's quiet hiccups.
And still, she stood there. Watching.
Umire was smiling.
That same warm, gentle smile she always wore. The kind that used to make Lena feel safe. But now… it made her feel nauseous, a realization she had been trying to avoid, refusing to be ignored any longer.
Lena looked towards Umire, who looked at her with a warm smile, contradicting the rawness she had heard in her voice as she spoke to Yuna.
"Sorry, I know I said we could study today…" Umire spoke and stepped towards Umire, a warm smile on her face. "I'll miss you. See you at school tomorrow."
The words were gentle. Too gentle. The words slipped through her like fog—impossible to grab, impossible to stop. Too blurry to feel real. Her stomach dropped, like she was watching herself fall out of a dream, and the silence in her head screamed louder than sound ever could.
The warmth in Umires' smile and words did nothing to loosen the twisting in Lena's core, nor the eerie silence ringing in her head. But Lena found herself nodding as she continued to stare at Umire, trying once more to communicate something she didn't know. Something that would make Umire stay….that would make the dream she so desperately wanted to be real stay.
"Sorry again," Umire said before turning and walking back to Yuna, seeming all too desperate to get back to the girl.
Lena stared at Umire and Yuna, who now sat on the couch together, Umire no longer looking at Lena. She silently took in Yuna…her hands were raised to her eyes, her shoulders slightly shaking, and she could see a few glistening tears on her cheeks. Her eyes then shifted to Umire, who now sat next to her. She had a strange expression on her face…no, it wasnt strange, it was unfamiliar. Not that Lena had never seen that expression before, she had many times…the problem was she had never seen that expression directed at her. Not by anyone…not by Umire either.
Umire's expression as she glanced at Yuna who was sniffling and hiccuping was one of hesitance, yet at the same time it was twisted with worry and….care. It was a real genuine expression…it was human.
It wasn't the unwavering warmth she always seemed to drown Lena in—the kind that felt dreamlike, effortless, eternal…
No… this warmth looked different. It looked fragile. Real…
Lena stared at Umire's face, the contours of her expression burning into her memory. She didn't know how long she had stood there. Maybe a second. Maybe forever.
Eventually, her legs moved without her permission.
She walked toward the door.
Her hand reached out.
The door closed behind her with a soft click.
And just like that, she was alone again.
Lena had a bad habit of believing that if she clung hard enough, someone might finally cling back.
Lena had always wanted and yearned to be needed and wanted by someone, to have something real. Yet at the same time….
Lena had a bad habit of wanting and believing in things that weren't possible.