Chapter 26 – Three Gods Walk Into a Burger Joint
Two hours after brain-ripping a transmigrator and bullying Tartarus into silence, I was still leaning against the chained elevator doors, humming the Spongebob theme under my breath and throwing rocks at shadows like they owed me money.
That's when the portal split open—all black flame and molten gold—and two gods stepped out.
First came Ares, in mortal attire: red biker jacket, combat boots, jeans so tight they may have been body paint, and sunglasses that had no business looking that cool underground. He looked like a road-raged rockstar.
Then came Hades, his opposite in every way—long dark coat, regal as death, black-and-gold embroidery, hair slicked back like a mafia don who'd accidentally wandered into an anime. At his heel padded Cerberus, the three-headed hellhound, each head looking progressively more done with existence.
Cerberus sniffed, then whined like a pug that had stepped in gum.
Ares raised an eyebrow. "Well, look who survived the pit."
Hades sighed like someone who'd just returned from filing taxes for a thousand souls. "Lionel."
I blinked, waving casually. "Sup."
He gave me a look—equal parts exhaustion and bureaucratic disappointment.
"Do you know," Hades said, voice slow and dry as dust, "how many after-action reports I'm going to have to file because you broke into Tartarus, stole the elder Cyclopes, and vandalized a chain-bound divine elevator?"
"Is it more or less than three?" I asked helpfully.
He pinched the bridge of his nose. "Your mere existence is a walking OSHA violation."
Ares cackled. "Oh come on, lighten up, Uncle. The kid just took out, what, three dozen Gaia's monsters in one night?"
"Forty-two," I said proudly.
Cerberus licked my face with a lava tongue. I patted his left head, which burped sulfur.
Hades looked me up and down. My shirt was 80% rips. My pants were being held up by chain tension alone. My hair looked like a goat had nested in it. I had blood, ichor, and possibly salsa stains across my chest.
He sighed. "You look like a blood-stained mop."
"But a handsome one," I said.
Ares clapped my shoulder hard enough to dislocate most people's souls. "He's my mop. Did you see the fear in those monster souls? Some of 'em reincarnated just to avoid him."
Hades raised an eyebrow. "You brought the elder Cyclopes back?"
Ares nodded. "Made 'em promise, on the Styx, that they'd prioritize your orders down in the forges. You get your undead infrastructure updated, I get my war toys. Win-win."
Hades looked genuinely stunned. "You did good, nephew. I will follow my part and take your son out of Tartarus "
I blinked.
"Wait," I said, "is this a bonding moment? Between you two? In front of me? Should I leave?"
Ares smacked the back of my head. "Shut it. We're getting burgers."
We ended up at a cheesy fast food joint on the edge of New Jersey. The kind with flickering lights, fries that looked like they had legal representation, and booths that hadn't been cleaned since the Labors of Heracles.
Hades sat at the edge of the booth, arms folded like he was trying not to touch anything.
Ares was already two chili dogs deep, grease running down his chin like sacred nectar.
And me?
I was on my fifth double burger and having the time of my life.
Food never tasted this good in Tartarus.
"You've got potential," Ares said between bites. "Like, actual top-tier, nearing the level of your uncle's potential, Heracles."
I wiped my mouth with a napkin. "You sure."
"Certainty," he said. "You've got that thing I had before I knew about you . That constant itch to tear down the world and see what comes next."
Hades grunted. "That's not ambition. That's instability."
"Tomato, tomahto," I said, sipping my soda.
Ares leaned back. "But you? You got the drive. The ambition to be greater.I can feel it radiating off you. "
I didn't answer.
Because I was too busy daydreaming.
In my head, I sat atop the Olympian throne—giant, black stone, crowned in flame. The other thrones were shattered at my feet.
And beside me, Aphrodite.
Not just hot.
Unreal hot. Divine beauty that made hearts explode. The kind of beauty that would make a mirror write a love letter to itself. She wore a sheer white toga, gold rings on every finger, and a look that said "Yes, I know I'm out of your league, and yet here we are."
She smiled and fed me a grape.
"More," I whispered.
She fed me two.
The gods begged below me for mercy.
I laughed, then waved them off.
Back in the real world, I was drooling.
"Kid," Ares said.
I blinked.
"Kid," Hades added.
"Huh?"
"You just bit your cup," Hades said flatly. "You're chewing plastic."
"Sorry," I said, blushing slightly. "I got lost in a dream sequence."
Ares barked a laugh. "That's my boy."
Hades sighed. "He needs therapy."
"I need more napkins," I said, still chewing.
Cerberus laid his middle head on my lap. I patted it idly.
"So what now?" I asked, glancing between them.