Chapter 62
And then, the thankfulness took a turn.
I groaned and whispered, "Here we go again..." while watching my Gramma seated next to me.
"I'm thankful I'll be dead someday, and you'll all feel horrible you weren't nicer to me," Evelyn declared dramatically.
"And I'm thankful that our daughter gave us at least one grandchild before she..." Lenore said, looking at me, before bursting into tears. Grandpa Sheldon consoled her.
Judith, not missing a beat, chimed in, "I'm thankful I finally found a therapist who has no compunction about prescribing powerful sedatives."
Uncle Charlie was looking at me like he was silently saying, 'Fix it.'
I looked back, mouthing, 'How?'
'You're smart,' his eyes seemed to insist.
'Yeah, but in this case, you need to be a god,' I thought, giving him a look.
Finally, I shrugged and muttered under my breath, 'I told you our family was not a good one to impress. Or, at least, not a good impression.'
I leaned toward the phone on speaker and heard Chandler say, "Jake, my parents would be a great addition to your Thanksgiving table."
I chuckled, remembering that episode—his mom saying his dad would rather sleep with the house-boy than with her.
Berta chimed in next, deadpan as always. "I'm thankful I can sit here and listen to you rich people whine while my family's scrabbling for a corn dog at the Pomona Fairgrounds."
"Charlie? Jake?" Lisa said softly.
"No, you first," Charlie replied.
I just nodded, giving her space to go ahead.
"I'm thankful for you, Charlie," Lisa began, her voice warm. "And I hope you'll always be my friend."
"Okay, well, I'm thankful for you, too," Charlie replied.
He looked around the table. "And I'm thankful for everybody coming together today as unwitting participants in my desperate charade."
I cleared my throat and finally spoke. "I'm thankful that, despite all the past grievances and mistakes, we can sit here together as a family. We throw jabs and all, but family is still family..." I said, trying to guilt-trip
But then, everyone heard Joey's voice on the phone speaker: "Well said, little man!"
Mom turned toward me, narrowing her eyes. "Are you recording us?"
"No!" I said quickly.
Gramma Evelyn squinted. "Are there other people on the other side of the line?"
"No?" I tried, but seeing it wasn't working, I added, "Oh, come on, at least I'm the child here!"
"Amen," said Rose.
we all look to her
I murmured, "I'm thankful for Rose, who can say anything despite all the awkward situations."
—
After the meal, I stood up and glanced around. "I actually wrote a song for today. Lisa, could you stay at least long enough to hear it?"
Lisa nodded, smiling softly. Everyone stood and followed me into the living room while I took my place at the piano.
I started to sing
(Say Something - A Great Big World)
♪Say something I'm giving up on you
I'll be the one if you want me to
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something I'm giving up on you♪
♪And I
Am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all♪
♪And I
Will stumble and fall
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl♪
♪Say something I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something I'm giving up on you♪
♪And I
Will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye♪
As the last note faded, Uncle Charlie turned to Lisa and said, "Lisa, marry me."
"Marry you? You want me to marry you?" she asked, astonished.
"Yes," Charlie replied. "You know, eventually."
And for the second time that day, I made a Michael Scott face. 'Eventually??!' I screamed in my mind
—
Charlie turned to Lisa again. "You sure you don't want some turkey for the road?"
"No, I'm fine," Lisa said.
"So, are you gonna invite me to your wedding?" Charlie asked.
"Charlie," Lisa replied, sounding both amused and exasperated.
From the phone speaker, Monica's voice cut in, "Yeah, right. Not even I was invited."
"Mon, get over it," Ross chimed in.
"Easy for you to say—you got invited! And she didn't even go to your wedding in London!" Monica snapped.
Charlie continued saying goodbye to Lisa at the door. "Will you at least call me when you get divorced?"
"You'll be first on my list," Lisa replied with a smirk.
"That's the end, guys," I said while walking out to the deck. I turned off speaker mode on the phone and set it back to normal.
"Wow, I might not hate Thanksgiving that much now," said Chandler.
"You're welcome for my family dysfunction," I added a little sarcastically.
"Well, at least Ross now has another funny story to tell at Lisa's wedding," I added. "Monica, on the other hand..."
Monica groaned through the phone. "And we lost our chance to make Jake part of our family."
"Aww," I said sweetly, then shifted to mock drama. "Wait—I thought you already considered me your nephew, Aunt Monica. You hurt me."
The rest of the group laughed.
"How come you never call me that? And Monica already has Ben" Rachel asked, a little annoyed.
"Well, I thought you wouldn't like it. Because of my age," I said, then added playfully, "Even though you're almost...thr—"
"Nah, nah, nah. That's gonna take years," Rachel cut in quickly.
"What years? That will be in six months," Ross added, matter-of-factly.
I could see Rachel shoot Ross a nasty look. I leaned forward, deadpan: "Ross... you having two marriages really is a surprise."
Everyone burst out laughing—except Ross.
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