His hand brought me closer to the backseat with every small tug. I felt both confused and suffocated, literally. When I broke it off, he let out a low deep groan and lowered my seat for me to come to him and I straddled his lap and fell victim to whatever he wanted to do to me. Fighting him was hopeless, I knew that first hand.
"He is nothing to you," he said as he held my face in place his lips swollen as I'm sure mine were and his features still dangerously beautiful when he was mad and upset, "you're confused by a fantasy he is drawing for you and it won't last. Things that don't last will always...always break you. Or do I need to remind you of that? I wasn't Eve's dropping I couldn't sleep so I came to sleep here."
"Tim you promised...", my voice shook. "You promised that if we agreed to let it go we would let it go."
"Let what go?! Have you let go,huh?! There is nothing you and I are letting go off. Nothing. You're afraid I hurt you but I didn't. Your memories are all jumbled up, why the hell do you still pretend that the last thing you remember is what happened!"
"Because that's exactly what happened! You....you..."
"I what, sweetheart? What exactly did I do that had you running from me faster than we fell? Make me fucking understand."
We were never like this. I was never like this. No was an alien word between us. I was desperate and he was my one ticket out of my own head. I don't know what drove me to the point of no return with him.
2 YEARS AGO
SAN FRANSISCO
Alot had happened in my home. Mom had just come from the hospital and my dad had lost his job so that meant mom became the breadwinner for all of us. I came home that day to find dad sitting alone in the living room. Mom emerged not long after asking me to sit down next to her.
"Venice, since your old enough to have a real conversation I want to keep you up to speed with what's been happening between your father and I...umm," I held mom's hand. She wanted to cry but she couldn't. My father hated such weaknesses from either of us. I didn't know if my support would always be enough but I didn't want to give up on us just yet.
"Okay mom. I'm listening." I said and she smiled and nodded her head and I glanced over at my father who was staring off into space.
"We may have to put you on a break from school for a bit. Just until your father can find another job to keep things stable and help me. Your school activities too, we need to pull you from them just a little." I don't know what expression I had made at the time but moms tears couldn't stop then. It was silent it was painful. And I know she wanted me to keep up with school but for a short while I couldn't.
"Mom..." I started but I didn't know how to go on. I felt like I had been stabbed in the heart over and over again. I had just made peace with mom being home after being hospitalized. I'm sure those bills are what had drained out most of her income cause she was there for two months.
"Something else. I don't know how to put this but-" she started before my dad's grunt stopped her.
"You're not going to tell a child that. She isn't old enough to know." He said and my mother nonetheless turned to me and told me that she had been pregnant for six weeks and had unfortunately lost the baby. It didn't take an idiot to put two and two together to know that it had been my father's violent acts that led to this.
"I'm so sorry mom. Is there anything I can help with?" I asked because of I got angry and blamed my father even through a slip of the tongue it was over. Completely over for us both.
My head was a mess during that time. Mom and dad stopped paying much mind to anyone but themselves. One was grieving the other had women at his neck and call all day. My father wasn't particularly ugly, no he was way too beautiful to be out there he looked younger than his fourth one and that is what led him to getting so many women.
It was one night I decided to sneak off. I had no particular destination I just kept driving until I came to this weird bar. It looked ordinary from the outside. That time I was wearing a trench coat and a mid length blue dress and comfortable heels. I didn't know why I was dressed like that in the first place. I guess to make myself feel good even for a second. I brought out ID I remember faking for so many occassions for my friends.
The moment I stepped in is when I realised this wasn't a normal bar and I had to read from the doorway that this was a kink club. They weren't rare but I never thought I'd stumble upon one.
"Good evening miss. Are we getting a room or table for you today." A room for what? I didn't want to ask in case I looked like I didn't know where I belonged.
"A table would be great. For one please." I said and she led me to a deep purple room. It seemed to change tones with every colour it changed to. It wasn't too dark to a point you couldn't see people's faces. I say and ordered for a juice and some fries because why not? I just wanted to see what this place was about. It was apparent that I didn't care. My head had so much baggage it was carrying that even the views didn't appear appealing to me.
The lights came on after my food arrived, to reveal a stage and four guys came into the stage. All well built and all fall and mascular. I nearly choked on my juice on seeing them so up close. They stood in a line wearing black pants and leathered boots. I turned my body and my eyes landed on one particular guy he was the third to the last.
I should have walked away that night but I didn't. When his eyes caught mine staring at him, that smile. I should've looked away and walked out. It was the universe mocking me, it knew how I would future would look like and it made me go through all that pain.
Fuck you universe.
Fuck you Tim.
Fuck you. Fuck you.