Peace
she kept on rubbing my legs with her damp handkerchief, in an eccentric way, that pacified the ranging storm within me.
" I know how it feels to loose someone dear" she tilted her head as she stared at my legs, I could see a glow in her eyes. or was it just the moon reflecting into her eyes from the balcony. The room was dark and the night lamp highlighted a part of her face, mostly her nose and her eyes.
" You do..?"I was hesitant. I could sense an underlying pain from which she spoke even though her braws were raised and she was staring at my feet, wiping it gently. she said so with so much calmness, like an undisturbed lake, where I could see my reflection. She always had a calming effect whenever she was with me. She was a mother that would listen to me, she reminded me so much of Thane's Grandma, oh no; his name was not permitted to be thought about even in my mind.
His grandma,that was me reproaching myself. I became uncomfortable as I squirmed my leg a bit trying to remove it but she hissed and patted the leg gently with the edge of the handkerchief.
"I did not tell you but I lost my daughter years ago, she died while I and my ex husband had marital issues. Everyday, I miss her. You never asked yourself why I worked in this house hold despite my status with money. I can simply enjoy myself with all the money I had saved up for myself in my youth."
" I asked…I asked myself sometimes, I did not want to ask why you agreed to stay. I thought it had to do with you just wanting to be…busy."
She chuckled when she heard me say busy "I was walking down the street and I was able to look at the drama on folding at your verandah. A young lady with tooth brush in her mouth with dripping paste, that was combing hair while teetering wearing her heels. You reminded me so much like her.."
I giggled, I remembered that day clearly. I was filled fear when I had noticed someone staring at me through the large peep holes of my gate. That day she smiled and I shivered in dread.
" She was quite disorganized and she was always late for school." Her wrinkles had folded her face and gave her face a fabric like appearance.
"I am so sorry you lost her"
" I know that it would take time to loose all the memories that make you weary of him but" I waited for the next words she would say as she noticed a mole in between my toes. " This is on nelson's face, too."
" oh yes, there was a time that he tried using a razor blade to cut it off saying that his mates told him that it was odd to have it on his face like a girl." I said, unsure of why she had deviated from what she had been telling me. " I had to talk to him away from Nancy and Nathan. I sat that down and gave him a mother to son pep talk about how unique it is." I reached out to my hands and rubbed the mole gently. I looked up and I saw Ms Tolu nodding to what I said slowly.
" I was never the same woman when she died. You never know what you have till you loose it. They leave a void, the memories play over and over. Their absence is felt the most when you have lucid dreams of these ones that are no longer with us." She heaved a heavy sigh, as if she was weight lifting with her chest.
" I don't want you to regret, it is a painful feeling. The feeling of what if I had done this or that would plague you till old age. What if I had been a better mother and I had noticed that my marital crisis was affecting her. What if you decided to get back with your husband since he has promised to change; it would not be so bad if you came back together. You know, what if's would be the words that would eat up your heart like a carpenter filling of wood." I kept quiet while listening, my breathe becoming still as I did not want any of my movements from my body to make me miss out on any of her words. She said so much that hit me internally, my mind was finally giving in but I could hear an internal voice speaking within me. Don't you remember that he almost killed your children because he neglected you? Don't you remember his intense stare of disgust when you would try to dress up for him? don't you remember how he brought another woman into your home? How his ego had burned our relationship? How he allowed aunt Anita to slap you and hit you endlessly? How you were humiliated in your work place and fired because he did not handle the matter in a discrete matter? Don't you think he was the one that disclosed such information to your boss? Don't you think that you were treated worse than a slave? Do you enjoy suffering? After all the love poems he would sing to you every night in bed, he easily gave up when you had been drinked poisoned?
" coming back together." I smiled and I looked up at the clock. Maybe that gesture would save me from this conversation about reuniteng with my husband. I took the handkerchief from her hand and dipped it inside the bowl by her side and I writhed the cloth and I rubbed her hand with it.
" Thank you for the advice" I kept on rubbing rythymically. I could sense a a smile on her face as she watched me mop her hands. She grabbed the bowl and she struggled to get up.
" The peace I knew would conclude in her head and thank me for the advice." She trailed off and I could hear her laugh at her remark.
I shaked my head side to side, what she said did not come without it's own truth.
I got up from my chair and I stretched my arms, I had to retire early for church tomorrow. I got up and I had to face the reality; He was the owner of the co-company I signed too and I would see him everyday. I felt goose bumbs run down my spine.