Snow… I really hate the snow. It feels like it's well below zero. All I can see is the whiteness of the snow before me. I close my eyes for a moment, once I open them again I'm looking at a similar sight, but from years ago.
"Stupid fucking shit!"
My body is tossed outside like trash onto the cold snow. I ball up and cringe in pain as I'm kicked in my side.
"You're sleeping outside tonight. Don't even try to knock on the door or I'll fuck you up worse than what I just did"
The door slams shut and I'm left with a deafening silence. My body hurts too much to move, I don't even think I could muster up the strength to even get up. I guess I'll just sleep here. With my remaining eye that I can still see out of all I can see is snow… whiteness that seems like it goes on forever, like looking out at the ocean while stranded at sea. At some point I finally begin to drift off to sleep… hopefully this time I won't wake up…
"What the fuck is wrong with you"
I wake up to being picked up by my shirt and carried in the house.
"Sleep on my doorstep like a damn dog, you couldn't have taken yourself somewhere else so no one would see you. You're a fucking disappointment."
He tosses me in the basement and shuts the door. Silence once again but not entirely, sometimes I can hear a ringing in my ears when there's no noise. Sometimes I prefer that to complete silence. It sometimes takes my mind off the pain and hunger, by focusing on that ringing. I lay on the ground and curl up just listening to that ringing. It's been like this for as long as I can remember…
I let out a sigh before shaking my head trying to suffocate these memories. I get off the ground and brush off the snow that collected on my body. I stand still looking at the snow on the ground. At some point I lost track of how long I'd been doing this. Sometimes I have moments where I just stop existing in this world, it's been happening for as long as I can remember. I take a step forward and start walking through the town. A town I've lived in all my life. I pass the church and keep walking forward, I make a right at the library and then shortly after I make a left at the grocery store. It dawns on me after walking for some time that there's no cars on the road at all. The only sound being the crunching of my footsteps on the snow. After walking for a bit I arrive at the liquor store. I put on my hood and go inside, I walk through the aisles and pick out two pretty decent sized bottles. I walk to the counter and take the money out while the man rings up my items. In the back of my head I hope that he doesn't recognize me. I pay him the money and start to leave the store, as I'm walking out I hear him from behind me
"Wait. Are you-"
Before he could finish I walked out the store. I breathe a sigh of relief, i'd rather not get into a hindrance. I walk for a bit and sit down once I find a spot that looks somewhat secluded. I crack open one bottle and start drinking. In just a small amount of time I feel a little bit better. I inhale deeply and exhale looking at my breath in the cold air. With my head rested on my knees I stare at the space on the ground in between my legs
…
…
…
Nothing will ever be enough. As my mind begins to wonder, I'm back in that basement once again. Staring at the basement floor I think to myself. Why? Why must I experience so much pain… why… why doesn't dad love me… why doesn't Mom help me… what did I do… why… I always try my best. Why is it never enough? My breathing begins to get more unstable, although I'm unable to understand why. I've experienced this everyday, why now I don't get it. I don't get it. Tears begin to well up in my eyes. I reach in my pocket and pull out a pointed object I made myself the last time I was able to go outside. I can't control my breathing. My hands are shaking… I raise my hand and bring the point to my throat. My hands are shaking so much. The more I begin to ponder the possibilities the more unstable my breathing gets. What if I can't do it? What if I miss? What if they find me? Would they be sad? Would they care? How long would it take for him to even check on me? I'm scared… what if… I survive. I grit my teeth and clench my fist as tight as I can. Once I finally muster up the courage I hear the door open and footsteps walking down the stairs. I put the object in my pocket before he makes it down the stairs.
"What the fuck is all the noise. Do you wanna get killed, you retard."
His fists are clenched, he walks closer to me and picks me up by my shirt.
"I'm fucking talking to you! Are you deaf?"
…
…
As my mind is filed with countless thoughts one seems to stick out, one last thing that I can cling to… maybe this is his way of love. I just want to know… if I knew he loved me I'd be fine with the pain.
"Dad… do you love me?"
"I wish I never had you. Yo-"
I didn't hear anything after what he said initially, but I was left with a feeling that unusual. I felt nothing.
SHIK
"Gahhh"
I didn't even feel the weapon pierce his stomach.
SHIK
SHIK
SHIK
He didn't say a word. Maybe he was still in shock, he was left standing for a moment as we both stared at each other's eyes. Blood is left on my hands… my clothes. He holds his stomach in silence. And I watch him.
…
…
Thud
The silence was broken by his body hitting the floor. I stood there for a moment with the weapon still in my hand. Suddenly I think for a moment. I finally understand now. Mom must've been treated the same way too. I did it. I… saved her. I can finally see her again. I climb the stairs as fast as I can, running through the house looking for her… I finally see her again and a smile starts to form across my face as she turns to look at me.
"Mom I did it, I stopped dad. I really did mom. Now you're safe… I missed you so much Mom. Are you prou-"
She darts past me into the basement while repeatedly saying no… For some reason I don't think I processed it right away. I'm left there frozen in place until she gets back
"How could you… you monster…"
I can hear a ringing in my ears… it's getting louder and louder. I can feel something building up inside me. Everything is blurry. It's like everything is moving in slow motion. I hear my heart beating… I can feel my lungs expanding and contracting with each breath. I grip the weapon in my hand and lung forward…
…
For the murder of your father and the assault of your mother you will be placed in a juvenile correctional facility until further notice.
…
If I could see myself in that moment I'm sure that I'd look hollow.
…
I was 10 years old when I was sentenced. I was able to leave when I was 17. I walked through the town, to go back to the only place I knew. All the while people who saw me pointed and whispered. I knew that they were saying. "That's him he tried to kill his family" "he should die" "why is he still here" "disgusting piece of trash" "he's sick" "he shouldn't be alive" "he'd be better off dead"
I continue walking, focusing on the ringing in my ears to tune them out. Before long I'm in front of that house once again. I try the door to find it locked… it was easily broken. I walk through the door, I'm surprised to see that it looks like everything is still here, but it looks vacant. I walk over to a corner in one of the rooms and sit down. Corners have always felt the safest. I'm able to see things before they see me. Nothing can get me from behind either. I hold my head down in the corner of that dark room, eventually falling asleep.
…
I stayed in the house for a while, confined to a few rooms. Maybe no one cared enough to check if anyone was inside, but I was left alone. Any time I went out to the town I was shunned. Anytime I was seen in public there were problems. People throwing rocks, trying to rob me, jump me, extort me… Some store owners even refused to sell me things. There was always whispers… there was always eyes… eyes everywhere to the point it felt like they were on my skin. One day I decided to look in my father's room. I'm not sure what I expected when I opened the door. It's bland. A bunch of meaningless items. Meaningless pictures. It's all worthless… I look under his bed to find a box. Inside was something I knew all too well. A rat got into the basement once. He was the only company I had, I even fed it some of the little food I was given. When my dad found out… with this he shot it dead. How many times had this been pointed at my head. I removed the gun from the case and hold it in my hand… it feels heavy
I hear a ringing in my ears… my eyes focus from the gun to the bullets in the case. I take the magazine and begin loading bullets one by one. I can hear voices as I'm putting the bullets in. All of the voices of the people… constantly getting louder to the point it feels like they're in the room with me. There is no rage. No anger. No sadness. The only thing that reminds is a cold nothingness. I simply want them to hurt. I finish loading the magazine and load it into the gun… Every last one of them.
I fall over into the cold snow. Seems like I feel asleep. I'm still drunk from the bottle. Looks like I finished it before I slept. I struggle to pick myself off the ground and start walking again, I still have one more bottle. I stumble across the road with the bottle in my hand with my head held down. I walk and walk and walk… I walk and walk and walk. I walk until I lose track of myself entirely… the wind is blowing against my face, but the alcohol is numbing the coldness. I open up the other bottle of alcohol and start drinking, I look up to see that I'm on a street that I remember well. I stare blankly at the street ahead of me.
…
…
I take another drink of alcohol and continue walking… I walk past the building and continue onward. I was born November 7th 2002, but my life started December 3rd 2022. I walked this street with a gun in my hand, the sound of my footsteps accompanied by the blowing wind. Everything is completely dead. At this moment it feels like only I exist. There's a building in the distance that sounds like it has faint noise coming from it. Step by step I make my way towards that building with my finger steady on the trigger. As I come closer I realize what I was hearing was music. A violin. I open the doors to the building. Rows of empty seats leading up to a beautiful woman with dark hair playing in the center. She's so enticed within her playing she didn't notice me come in. The somber music fills my head… I put the gun behind my back and continue listening to the song.
…
She finishes playing and opens her eyes. She looks shocked to see me at first but she quickly speaks up.
"I'm sorry I didn't know anyone was listening. I would've played my best if I did haha."
Her nervousness is clearly visible, but it's more than just that.
"Did you like it though?"
"It was amazing."
Her eyes lighten up in response.
"Thank you so much! I've been practicing that one for a while. Im so glad that you like it!"
Her response to such a simple remark is interesting. Then I notice she starts to look at me closer as she begins to walk towards me as well.
"Are you that boy?"
I feel a grueling pain come from my stomach. I already know that she knows…
"Yes…"
"I didn't know you got released... Have you been okay? Although I find it impossible that you are."
…
What? No. That's not what you're supposed to say. Her face, why does she look sad on my behalf… you're supposed to look at me with disgust.
"That's it?"
"What do you mean?"
"You're not gonna throw anything at me? Tell me I should die? Or try and hurt me?"
"Of course not."
Stop it…
"You've had it hard haven't you?"
Just be quiet… why… couldn't I have met you before…
"I can see it in your eyes. You just seem hollow."
It's too late now… I don't need your disgusting pity. I pull out the gun and aim it at her head. The brightness I saw in her before diminishes a bit as she's staring down the barrel.
"After you im going to kill the rest of them. I'll kill as many as I can before I'm put down."
I press the gun to her forehead and put my finger on the trigger… but her face now is more stern. More confident.
"You won't kill me."
"What makes you so sure."
"Because you're not an evil person."
The ludicrousy of her statement shocks me.
"What?"
"if I were someone you saw before you would've, you needed a reason to kill me. That's why I'm still alive."
Is she right? I planned on killing as many people as I could. I was ready.
"You're truly a bad person then look me in my eyes while you pull the trigger."
She stares into my eyes and it's as if she's looking through me. Into my soul. I'm the one with the gun but this oddly makes me feel frightened. She's done no wrong to me. As such a simple reason the answer to why I can't pull this trigger right now.
"I knew it. I could tell when you were on trial all those years ago. You're not a bad person. Please just put the gun down."
"JUST STOP!"
I back away the her head still on the iron sights.
"What's stopping me from just moving forward and killing everyone besides you. I've never had a life anyways. What did you think I was just going to let myself get caught?"
It feels like a dark aura is enveloping me. I wonder what my eyes would look like at this moment. I turn the gun and aim it to my own head.
"Even if I somehow managed to not kill a single person, today was planned to have at the very least one death."
…
Her face… why does she look so sad. Over someone she doesn't even know? She begins walking towards me. It feels like my body is lagging, I wanna move my head is thinking to move but my body won't let me… what is she going to do. My heart pounds as in awaiting the feeling of pain spreading through my body… but instead I feel warmth. Her arms wrap around me, it's a strange feeling. The cells in my body tell me to get away, yet the warmth feels oddly comforting.
"I'm so sorry… you've been through a lot haven't you. Please don't die. You're so young and I'm so sorry that you've gone through so much already. But please don't give up."
"What's the point. Why are you fighting so hard. For someone who just tried to kill you nonetheless."
"You have a good soul, you've just experienced bad things. No one's ever listened to your side haven't they…"
This feeling in my chest. It's hurts differently. The warmth from her body is like a campfire in a winter storm. In comparison to chilling sub zero temperature it's not much, but it's something. If you find fire that warmth can make you last a bit longer.
"I want you to tell me every detail you've experienced to get here. You don't have to suffer alone. Okay?"
I feel something begin to roll down my cheek. I wasn't able to stop it. In response she held me tighter which caused me to do the same.
…
…
…
I've been wandering aimlessly for a minute. I can hardly walk but my thoughts are relatively clear… when I hold my head up I see a field of endless snow… as far as the eye can see. I look down at the bottle… half left, i look back in front of me. I chug the rest of the bottle and toss it to my side. That's right… it's well below zero. I stand there staring ahead of me… I remove my gloves… then my coat. Then my jacket… my hat, my scarf, I remove everything until I'm left with just a long sleeve shirt, a single pair of pants and my socks and shoes. I inhale deeply, then exhale focusing my attention to my breathe in the air. The wind blows against my face and causes my hair to wave wildly. However I've drunken so much that I feel surprisingly warm. I pick my foot of the ground and step by step I move my way forward towards the white void.
…
She let me live with her. She said she didn't want me living alone because it could be dangerous. I got my own room too. She pretty much had to force me to sleep on it because I always slept in the corner of the room. She told me the main reason she believed that something was off was when I had my trial. She said almost no one kills their parents for no reason. She had faith in me all the way back then. That I wasn't a bad person. She really did listen to every detail. It hurts a bit to see her like that. I guess what I experienced wasn't really normal. There were times where she was in tears, then I would say something like it's okay I got used to it which made her cry harder. I'm not too good at consoling people I suppose. I thought I learned a good amount from my classes. Other than that everyday seemed to get better. At some point I learned how to smile and laugh. We did so many things, so many places even places were people knew about me. She stood by my side and defended me. I don't exactly know what love is but I think I did love her so I decided to tell her. I thought it was a mistake… but she felt the same too. That night she invited me to the bed. It was when I realized something… anytime with my dad he was always violent. I don't remember a single time that he hasn't been. But the way she touches me. Gentle as if I'm fragile like glass. In my head I was just like ah I get it now. This is love. It took a few years… but I no longer felt cold anymore…
…
"What the fuck do you mean inoperable… this has to be some kind of joke."
"I'm sorry son, we've done all we could. She doesn't have alot of time left. A year at most…"
…
I can't say anything in response, as in simply felt in shock.
"We'll leave you alone so you can talk. I'm sorry buddy."
"... Thank you for trying"
He pats me on my shoulder and leaves the room along with his assistant.
Everything was fine until one day she passed out randomly. I brought her to a hospital and she was in a coma for a few days. She's woken up but her organs are slowly failing. I've been seeing her everyday for a month
I put on my best smile as I come up to her
"Hey you doing okay."
"Don't look so sad. Where's that cute smile. Thank you for trying to be strong for me. "
Of course she could see through me instantly. We talked for a bit about normal things. It made me feel happy for a moment.
"Oh yeah guess what. I'm gonna be able to go home soon. So you won't need to come all the way here."
Hearing that makes me feel really happy. It's always painful when we're away.
"Man I must real lucky. Looks like I'm gonna have a personal maid to do eeeeeeverything I want. "
Even in this situation she still keeps her snarky remarks. She said that while side eyeing me and smiling
"You are lucky you're gonna have the best maid ever of course."
She was sent home not too long after. She was still able to do a lot of things but she was weaker. However I found a sense of happiness in helping her. I hear a lot how situations like this break a relationship because of the stress. I was worried that would happen but it feels like we've gotten even closer. I feed her, cook for her, bathe her, help her move around, drive places, I was there for her no matter what she needed…little by little I saw her getting weaker. One day out of no where she brought something up.
"When I'm gone. I want you to find someone else."
"What?... What are you talking about."
"I want you to be happy… if you think about me all the time you'll always be sad."
"I can't do that…"
Her face looks disheartened
"You have to… please."
"I'm not going to do that."
I knew this conversation would be brought up eventually. I was hoping she'd say don't be with anyone ever again it would be so much easier… I can't do that I won't…
"How… can you say that so easily…"
Why… is she the one to die… why can't it be anyone else. I clench my fist in rage as I can feel tears in my eyes.
"No one… would ever come close to you. It doesn't matter how far how long I search. If I were given the ability to live forever I could search this entire galaxy and no one would make me one one millionth of how happy you make me… It's not fair… why are you the one to die."
Tears are following from my eyes so much their burning and I'm struggling to see. But what hurt even more in that moment was hearing her begin to cry
"I'm sorry that I have to put you through this. I know how much pain you're in. I can't do the things we use to. I can't run, I can't drive. I can't travel, I can't eat as much, I can't swim, I can't satisfy you anymore. I always have to rely on you for help. I can't do anything… I can't… I can't even play the violin for you anymore. I hate this body. I hate myself so much. Im so sorry that you had to meet me."
I didn't realize just how much this has been affecting her… I hate myself for being so selfish. She's been being strong for me. So that I wouldn't hurt as much…
"I love you more than anything. Im glad that I met you. So don't you ever say that. I love taking care of you and I'll do it until the end…"
So for her sake too. Because I love her… I have to lie.
"I'll look for someone after you're gone. But they'll never come close to you."
I hug her tightly and she hugs me back
"I love you"
"I love you too"
" Before my body gets too weak let's do one more thing together. I'll hold out as long as I can."
"Okay"
I saved a good amount of money, so we went on a trip. I drove for a few hours, both of us tried to pretend that her illness didn't exist, one last day that the two of us can truly be happy. We talked for a while, while I was driving. She ended up falling asleep on my shoulder for a bit. We ended up at this nice hotel. We showered and then laid in bed together. She started to take off her clothes, and I reached my hand to tell her to stop. I didn't want her pushing herself, but the smile she gave me as she pushed my hand away was so sincere. We made love that night for the first time since she had gotten sick. I held her tightly almost as a futile attempt to protect her from death. If only there were some action that could bring us even closer. To connect our very souls as one… we stayed at the hotel until 1pm then left to go to the place where she wanted to go… we arrive at 3:27 … I open her door and let her out the car. Before me I see snow… as far as the eye can see.
…
…
It looks just like that time… when I was with her… for some reason my body feels a little tired. Why am I thinking so much about the past at a time like this… it's becoming even harder to continue walking. If I fall over will I be able to get back up… at zero degrees… you get hypothermia in a few minutes. How long has it been… I look ahead of me to see the same sight I saw before. I stare blankly at the snow ahead of me.
"Come on let's go"
She grabs my hand and we run forwards. I remembered the first song I heard her play. She starts dancing. In the snow with a smile on her face. She'd always shine so brightly… I don't know anything about it but I dance with her as well. I stumble and fail but maintain my balance… even with her frail body, every move. Seems calculated and elegant… if I hadn't been drinking I could do the same… wait id been drinking? My heart sinks… I… had been dancing alone… but I continued. As I go and curse my clumsy footsteps I begin to get the hang of it a bit. Remembering her dancing and incorporating even the slightest bit of that elegance into my pathetic dancing…
"There ya go. You're getting it!"
I smile hearing her say those words as she comes from behind me. I just follow her lead eventually I stop focusing on trying to do well all together. My only focus is her my eyes are set on her. I grab her hand and spin her around making the snowflakes kick up from the ground and fall once again… I begin to hear her violin playing begin to near the end…as I spin her around and around. I realize just how beautiful she really is. I always hated snow but she was the first one to allow me to see the beauty in snow, the smile on her face as she danced in the snow. Is something I'll never forget… my breathing is getting more shallow… When did I end up on the ground? I can't move my body… as I stare up at the sky snow begins to slowly pile over my body and face… I'm sorry I lied… I could never do that. If there's an afterlife and we meet again will she hate me? I'm a failure… I couldn't even fulfill her last request… I should've died… back then…
"No."
…
I feel something grab my face… When I open my eyes I see her face again. I can't help but feel guilt which makes me turn away from her.
"I… I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I lied to you. I didn't know what else to do… I couldn't do it… there's no point in living in a world where you don't exist. I'm sorry I'm not as strong as you thought I was… I'm sorry I'm such a failure."
I feel a warmth around my body as she embraces me.
"I could never hate you. I know you only lied to make me happy. I never wanted this to happen to you, but I could never hate you. I'm sorry that you had to go through all of this alone…"
I had been trying to hold myself together but I can feel myself start to crack… I hold her tightly as I sob in her arms. She held me for as long as I needed. But we needed to go. She extended her hand out to me to pick me up. I grabbed her hand tightly as we soon stood side by side.
"Let's go."
It's possible that she had been waiting for me to join her… if I chose to live how long would she have waited there.
"I'm sorry I took so long… you must've been lonely too."
A tear flows from her eye as she nods her head in agreement. There's a light ahead of us. My body becomes covered with snow… and we run forwards into the light… no matter what we'll stick together
"Let's start again from zero"