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March 24th – Rain
Today, I met Eris' new tutor. My dear husband had warned me beforehand, so I was prepared—yet why did I lose my composure the moment I laid eyes on that child?
The way he killed someone… the look in his eyes as he drowned Thomas alive was terrifying. But for some reason, I still felt an inexplicable closeness to him.
Eris' new tutors are all so young.
But when I returned to my room to change my dress, that sense of familiarity vanished. Instead, a surge of frustration welled up inside me. Why did I feel such kinship with that child?
Was it because his dark gray eyes mirrored mine?
Why is my own child far away in the royal capital while I'm left tending to another family's children?
Why… did it have to be like this?
I suppressed my anger—those children had nothing to do with it, after all.
Before lunch, I had intended to invite them to dine together.
But the moment I saw them, listening to Eris excitedly explain how she'd show her new tutors around the manor, her face glowing with joy at finally having peers her age—
My heart ached. I could no longer hold back the emotions swelling inside me.
I don't understand. Did marrying Philip mean I had to sacrifice my son for the Boreas family's glory?
Had my child been here, he could have grown up alongside Eris as her elder brother, watching over her. Perhaps then, Eris wouldn't have been so lonely—wouldn't have lit up so brightly just at the sight of a few tutors her age.
I walked past them without a word. They all kept their heads bowed, including the boy who seemed so familiar to me.
I didn't get a clear look at his face.
But one of them was watching me.
That distant cousin's child.
Perhaps he noticed my expression—his own was confused, tinged with something like concern.
As we passed each other, I realized how unfair I was being.
They were all well-behaved children, nervous on their first day in the Boreas household. What right did I have to treat them this way?
So I stopped. Apologized. And invited them to lunch.
His name is Allen, too.
The same age.
If my child were here…
Would he be as tall as him?
Would he carry himself with the same quiet steadiness?
Fate is cruel.
April 1st – Overcast
I saw that boy again today.
Even though he isn't mine, why can't I stop myself from watching him?
While pretending to study the table, I stole glances—and finally understood the source of this familiarity.
His hair.
It's just like my dear husband's—the same chestnut curls.
…Is it just a coincidence?
In the afternoon, while Eris was causing her usual chaos, I invited one of Allen's companions—a long-eared girl—to my room. She's sweet, clearly smitten with Allen, and torn between him and her teacher.
Allen is a confirmed adventurer.
So it really is just a coincidence.
Later, I heard Allen lost a spar against Ghyslaine.
But he didn't seem injured.
Thank goodness.
April 7th – Overcast
Allen again today.
I know he isn't my child, yet that strange sense of recognition lingers.
He trains with such focus.
Would my son in the capital love swordsmanship as much?
They say he's talented with a blade.
But "they say" means nothing.
May 1st – Clear
Sylphie told me something amusing today.
Allen's been sneaking Eris out of lessons to practice swordsmanship—always during Rudeus' reading and arithmetic classes.
Poor boy.
But Allen and Eris get along so well. For some reason, it feels like a spring breeze has brushed against my heart.
It's been so long since I've felt this light.
The new tutors are all so earnest, so diligent.
And Eris is growing.
It's nice.
May 9th – Rain
So that's where they've been training—on the rooftop?
Why there, of all places?
…Is it because I can't help but watch whenever Allen and Eris are together?
Unintentionally, I must have been putting pressure on Allen.
He's just a hired tutor.
That wasn't my intention. I just… couldn't look away. Seeing them like that, it felt like watching Eris with an older brother.
I'm sorry.
May 17th – Clear
Sylphie seems to have noticed my feelings.
Today, she invited me to watch their sword practice from the upper floors.
I refused at first—I didn't want to burden Allen further.
But Sylphie insisted it'd be fine.
In the end, I went.
They really do look like siblings.
The May wind wrapped around us, warm and gentle.
May 20th – Clear
Sylphie suggested setting up a proper tea room upstairs—somewhere hidden where I could watch Allen and Eris train without disturbing them.
Finally, my heart settles.
This way, I won't trouble Allen anymore.
I'm so relieved.
June 24th – Overcast
Two months have passed.
Some aspects of Allen's personality are nothing like what I imagined.
Perhaps I'd been subconsciously projecting my own child onto him.
That was my fantasy.
Allen is reality.
They are not the same person.
July 21st – Clear
Allen isn't just diligent in swordsmanship—he's thorough in everything he does.
Efficient. Decisive. A natural leader.
I keep comparing him to my son.
Before, I'd always imagined my child as polite, gently interested in swordsmanship, kind yet clever—a noble like his father.
But after these months of observation, I realize…
The image of my son in the capital has grown hazy.
Instead, Allen's traits have begun filling the gaps.
And it doesn't feel wrong.
Would my child's personality resemble Allen's?
Less like his father… more like Sauros.
August 19th – Windy
The more I watch Allen,
The more I think my son might have been just like him.
All those previous impressions were just my own fabrications—I'd modeled them entirely after my husband.
But Allen is real.
If the boy in the capital truly turned out like him…
That would be fine.
He's a remarkable child.
For the first time, something intangible…
Feels tangible.
Even though Allen isn't mine.
It still feels real.
September 17th – Clear
Allen has Sylphie completely smitten~
I should help her.
Ah—
The Love's Dance.
That might work.
But there's no opportunity…
I wonder if Allen knows it?
He's so clever—he'd learn it instantly.
October 23rd – Clear
Sylphie proposed that I teach them Boreas etiquette.
This way, I can watch Allen and Eris interact—
No, not as siblings.
As teacher and student.
I'm looking forward to it.
Hurry, tomorrow.
I'm nervous.
Will they think me a worse teacher than Edna?
I'll review the materials tonight.
And maybe…
I'll teach them the Love's Dance too.
October 24th – Snow
(Stained with water, wrinkled, wine-smudged. Words scrawled messily, blurred.)
Allen…
Is my child.
I couldn't have mistaken this—how could I?
He…
He's mine.
I don't understand.
Why?
Why would they—?
Philip told me it was for his protection. That after James sent assassins, he secretly brought him back to Boreas under the guise of a guest—to shelter him.
The Boreas tradition of hostages.
I can't acknowledge him.
Father would send him back to the capital.
It's too dangerous—James wants him dead.
Why?
Why is he right before me, yet I can't claim him?
How?
How could this happen?
He's my child. He's Allen. My instincts weren't wrong—his mannerisms, his face, his hair—he's mine.
My intuition never lied.
But why…?
Why must it be like this?
Allen.
Allen.
He doesn't even know.
I'm his mother.
(Ink smeared, nearly illegible.)
November 1st – Snow
I think I'm ill.
November 6th – Snow
Fever.
My mind is foggy.
Allen…
Came to see me.
I couldn't look at him.
November 17th – Snow
The physician says there's nothing wrong with me.
He's right—I know my body is fine.
Yet the fever persists.
November 25th – Snow
I seem to be improving.
I mustn't acknowledge him.
December 3rd – Snow
Allen smiled at me today.
Or did I imagine it?
I still can't bring myself to rise and greet them.
December 21st – Snow
He did smile.
In my dreams, he always resembled Philip—grinning, eyes full of mischief.
But the real Allen isn't like that.
The way he looks at Eris… it's fond.
It's nice.
He was smiling at her.
It's nice.
They're like siblings.
It's nice.
January 2nd – Snow
I've been feeling better lately.
Allen didn't smile at me today.
January 3rd – Snow
No smile.
January 4th – Snow
No smile.
January 5th – Snow
A little stronger today.
No smile.
January 6th – Clear
When he heard I was recovering…
Allen smiled.
It's nice.
(Words blurred.)
January 7th – Snow
Grim-faced.
January 8th – Snow
Grim-faced.
January 9th – Overcast
I can't keep frowning like this.
It must weigh on them—they're just children.
Who would want a gloomy old woman around?
Not even Allen.
January 10th – Overcast
I forced a smile today.
Allen seemed surprised.
But his eyes softened.
January 11th – Overcast
Not my imagination.
January 12th – Overcast (Crossed out.) Clear
Allen smiled.
I've made up my mind.
Some choices are painful—but necessary.
This is for Allen's sake too.
Isn't it?
Allen.
Allen.
From afar…
Your mother will keep smiling.
Always watching over you.
Even if…
You never know.
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