A few moments of silence passed as my words got carried away by the cold winter breeze. I spoke those words louder than I'd intended, my voice breaking. I did manage to stop myself from crying, but the tears were brimming in my eyes. I couldn't even let myself blink, for I was sure they'd stream down my cheeks if I did.
I couldn't even meet Sajou's eyes, but I was able to take a look at his expression. The reason being that he was staring at his feet, his expression somewhat... sad? No, that must've been relief. Or maybe regret? I had no idea. My emotions were all over the place, clouding my perception and judgement.
"I... see," he said in a quiet voice. He then walked over to me, still looking down. While his presence had always been so reassuring, this time, the closer he got, the more flustered I became. I looked down at my feet as well. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw his hand go to his right pocket and pull out a tiny black box.
"Here. This is... a token of appreciation for... everything, I guess."
I thought that I owed him my thanks. He'd always been by my side, helping me out without me even realizing it. The cultural committee work was the pinnacle of that.
"Thank you" I said softly, as I opened the box. Inside was... a ring. It was an elegant-looking one, and it looked breath-taking despite the simple design. Aside from my reaction to the ring, inside of me was a small conflict...
Why? Why would someone in a relationship give another girl a ring? Maybe it was more of a parting gift?
But I was too nervous and distracted to pay this small voice any heed. I even forgot that it was my birthday at that point, so it didn't occur to me that it could be a present.
"Please look inside that jewel at the top"
Sajou's words interrupted my thoughts. Without looking at him, I put the ring to my eye.
At first, I couldn't believe what I was looking at. It was a picture, or rather... a projection? The edges of what I saw were somewhat blurred out, as if the image was made of light. The subjects of the photograph, however, were sharp and in full view.
I saw myself in there. I was wearing my school uniform and standing in the living area back at home. In my arms was Airi, she was hugging my neck, laughing and pointing at the camera.
I had my other eye closed, in order to peek into this dreamlike world inside of the ring. As such, I couldn't see Sajou or my surroundings anymore. As I admired the image, I heard Sajou's voice say: "Happy Birthday Natsukawa"
"..."
My heart squeezed. I wasn't surprised that he remembered my birthday. He never missed it since I met him, after all. But when I heard his words, a thought occurred to me. It was likely the last time he wished me a happy birthday as a person who was close to me. It was the last present I would get from this boy, who snuck into my life and became a big part of it.
I turned around, giving my back to Sajou. I knew it was rude of me to do so, but I did it anyway. I needed to dry my eyes before the tears in them caught the reflection of the sun, giving away how I truely felt.
"Thank you, Sajou-kun. It's lovely." I said, calling him by his family name for the first time in a long while. After that, a whisper escaped my lips—soft enough that only I could hear it: "Goodbye."
A few moments of silence passed. Then I heard footsteps behind me. Sajou was walking away. Away and away, to a place out of my reach.
A metallic thud startled me out of my despair. I saw Sajou struggling with the door. It seemed as if it had somehow gotten locked. I saw him take a key out of his pocket, but there was no keyhole to put it into. It was meant to go into the padlock on the other side of the door. Someone must've locked the door from the inside. Had they not seen us out here?
Just then, my phone vibrated. I took it out, hoping that Kei had finally gotten back to me. There were still teachers at school, so maybe she could call someone to unlock the door for us.
My vision was blurry with tears that still hadn't found their way down my cheeks. Thankfully, Sajou was busy with the door. I quickly dabbed at my eyes with the sleeves of my winter uniform before checking my phone.
The message I saw left me staring at the screen in disbelief.
"I lied about him dating."
I stared at the words, blinking fast as if they'd rearrange themselves into something more believable. But they didn't. They stayed right there on the screen—stubborn, clear, and impossible.
A breath hitched in my throat. For a moment, all I could hear was the dull thud of my heartbeat against my ribs. The heaviness that had been sinking in my chest moments ago began to lift, slowly, hesitantly, like it wasn't sure if it was allowed to. And it wasn't allowed to. I'd already decided to stop being a burden to Sajou long before Kei told me he was dating someone. The fact that she lied to me shouldn't have changed anything.
I knew that. I knew all of that. But a stupid, uncontrollable urge suddenly blossomed inside of me.
One second I was standing, looking at my phone. The next, I was hugging his back—hugging him more tightly than I had back then, at the intersection on our way home.
I felt his body stiffen in surprise. For a split second, I thought I'd made a mistake. Logic took over and tried to stop this childish act of mine, but my heart refused to listen. I didn't let go. I couldn't let go. My fingers clutched the fabric of his uniform like it was the only thing keeping me from drowning in despair and regret. He was warm—and I no longer had the strength to push him away.
My heart was pounding, loud and fast, like it wanted to break free from my chest and reach him first. I buried my face between his shoulder blades, breathing in the faint scent of detergent and something unmistakably him. It was silly, really—how something so simple finally made all the tears in my eyes roll down my cheeks.
I wanted to tell him everything. That I was in love. That I didn't know any better back when I turned him down. That I was scared. Scared that I'd already lost my place in his heart. Scared of acting selfishly and hurting him more than I already had.
But all I could do was hold on, my body trembling.
The thought of him being with someone else had hollowed me out in ways I couldn't even begin to explain. So when Kei sent me that message, the relief I felt pushed me forward. My feelings came gushing out, forcing my body to seek him out. Hoping the skinship would convey how I felt.
It seemed like an eternity before he finally spoke.
"Did you... trip?" he asked, without making a move to push me away.
"No." I said in a small voice.
"Then... what are you doing?"
"..."
I was silent for a bit. The whole world was silent. The only sound I could hear was my heart beating. My fingers tightened their grasp on his shirt even more. Then—
"Earlier, I lied. How we are right now... is the distance I want."