Harry sighed. "That's true, but you're forgetting one thing. I love you. I love you, here and now, as you are stood before me and I am happy. I love you. I don't want another man, whole or otherwise. I don't care if he's the personification of perfect! I don't want anyone else because I don't love anyone else. I love you, I want to marry you, I want children with you. Why can't you just accept that? Why isn't my love enough for you? What more do you want from me, Rabastan?" Harry demanded, his temper flaring as they had this conversation yet again. This was the fourth or fifth time that Rabastan had urged him to go off with another man. It didn't seem to be sinking in that he damn well didn't want to!
"I can't change that I love you, I can't change how I feel or how much I want to help you, if you don't like that then maybe you should think instead about what you do want and consider your options instead of trying to push me away towards other men, making me come off like the bad guy so that you can play the victim some more! If you can't let go and help yourself and you can't love me as I am, then you need to be honest and break off the contract yourself because I refuse to marry a man who refuses to help himself and can't love me for who I am or doesn't accept my love when I offer it so heartfelt and willingly."
Harry left the silent Rabastan and went back towards the house. He considered going inside for a moment, but he changed his mind and he instead went to the front garden to pet at Lucius' prized albino peacocks. He wasn't in the mood to be around other people right at this moment. He wanted to be alone to reflect on the anger fuelled spiel that he'd just delivered. Why didn't he ever check his mouth before opening it? Why did he always let his anger get the better of him? He really needed to learn how to stay calm and speak through his anger and not because of it. It was almost a mindless reaction now when he was angry to just speak what came to his mind, to blurt out exactly what he was feeling or what had made him angry in the first place. It was almost like he couldn't control that kneejerk reaction at all.
But on the other hand, he had meant every word that he'd said to Rabastan, but all the same, he would be completely devastated if Rabastan decided to break off their contract, which is why he should have controlled his anger better instead of planting the thought to break their contract into Rabastan's head. He was just so angry, he wanted to help Rabastan so badly, but how could he even begin to help a man who refused to help himself?
Rhadamanthus really had done some serious damage and Harry couldn't help but wish that the bastard would just fuck off back to India and leave them in peace, but no, the man was hell-bent on ruining everything because he was a sadistic prick that took pleasure from maliciously destroying his youngest son and harming him in any way his mind conceived. It was just Harry's rotten luck that Rhadamanthus was a very intelligent man to boot. His mind could come up with all manner of disgusting, psychological tortures to use on Rabastan and it was a tactic that was damn well working as well.
There was only so much that he could do to counter that tactic, he saw that now. He could help Rabastan all that he could, he could tell him a thousand times that he loved him, that he wanted to be with him, but in the end, it wouldn't matter, because Rabastan was listening to Rhadamanthus with his fucked up little mind games and not to him and, as long as he did so, nothing that Harry said or did would matter at all.
A tear tickled his cheek and he fisted it away angrily as his other hand stroked the super soft white feathers of the peacock in front of him. How had everything gone so wrong so quickly?
"There you are. I've been looking all over for you."
Harry didn't look around as Lucius came to stand behind him, though more tears fell when a hand went to his hair and tugged gently and rhythmically. The repetitive motion was calming.
"Rabastan is inconsolable and Rodolphus is hunting the house for you. Would you mind telling me what happened?" Harry said nothing as more tears fell and he all but hugged the poor peacock to his chest for comfort.
"I can't help you if you suffer alone in silence. What happened tonight to change everything? I thought you and Rabastan were coming on so well."
"I've tried my best, but he won't help himself." Harry said thickly, his tears having made his voice gruff.
Lucius sighed and tugged at his hair hard until Harry had no choice but to stand up, letting the peacock slip through his arms and make its hasty escape as he did so. Lucius turned him so that they were face to face and he dug out a handkerchief and dabbed away his tears.
"It is almost the middle of the night, in the middle of winter and you are crying out in the gardens. You'll make yourself sick." Lucius chastised him as he pulled him towards the house.
Harry hesitated as he thought about what everyone would say if they saw him looking like this.
"Xerxes and Rabastan are in the front parlour, Draco is in his room, blissfully ignorant of everything that is going on and I believe that Narcissa would have found Rodolphus by now and is explaining to him exactly why he doesn't want to harm one of her sons, especially not in her own home. Now come along."
They didn't meet anyone on the way to Lucius' study and Harry slipped into a chair and remained silent as Lucius sat in the chair beside him, his body turned to face him, instead of in the chair behind his desk as per usual.
"Explain to me what happened. Rabastan is saying nothing and all Rodolphus is saying of the matter is that he's going to find you and curse you until you aren't recognisable."
Harry said nothing as he gathered his thoughts. Lucius wanted patiently, and then increasingly impatiently for several minutes before he lost his temper.
"Speak to me, Harry. Now."
"It started out fine, we were happily walking around the gardens, but then Rabastan started yet again on how much he's injured me since he's been here and how I'd be better off with a 'whole' man who hadn't been to Azkaban. I love him, not anyone else. I don't want him to keep pushing me away and towards other men!" Harry said and suddenly his anger was just there, warm and fierce, and he threw himself up out of the chair and he started pacing furiously, in tight motions. "Why aren't I enough for him? Why can't he love me? I don't want another man! I understand and accept that it's going to take years for Rabastan to get better and to recover his lost strength and health. I understand and accept that he actually might never be fully recovered. I know what that means for me, for the both of us in the future and I'm prepared for it. It doesn't matter at all to me, I still love him and I still want him, but he can't see it! He wants to feel sorry for himself, he doesn't want to help himself and he keeps pushing me towards 'whole and undamaged' men as if my thoughts and feelings mean absolutely nothing to him! He hurts me more when he says things like that than when he accidentally catches me with a hand or a foot! When he undermines my thoughts and feelings and my love for him as if they don't matter at all to him. I refuse to marry a man who doesn't love me enough to fight for me and I refuse to be with a man who won't accept that my feelings are important. If he doesn't want me, doesn't love me and wants me to be with another man so badly then he should stop saying it and break off the contract himself instead of trying to make me do it so that he can keep on pretending that he's the victim and I'm the one solely at fault!"
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