JUDE
I did something wrong, but I don't know what I did.
I should, though, because then I will be able to fix it. My hands are trembling, and that ache at the back of my throat makes it hard to swallow.
I can't cry, no.
Crying makes one appear like they are victimizing themselves. I am not; that is not how Rin sees me, and that's not how I want the others to see me. Sighing with a shaky breath, my back presses on the wall behind me, briefly closing my eyes.
I messed up.
"There you are."
Andre walks up to me with a small smile, and I see Rex and Zein behind him, all coming towards me. I clear my throat and try smiling, but it only comes out as a grimace.
"Why are you hiding out here?" Rex asks as he sits on the floor, his pillow cradled on his torso.
"I am not hiding." I hide my hands in the long sleeves of my hoodie. "Why are you here?"
"We had to give them space to talk things out. A very much needed talk if you ask me," Zein sighs, eyes on me for a second before he goes by the pool in the backyard and lies on one of the day beds.
"I wanted to check up on you," Andre says, touching my shoulder. "Are you okay?"
No. no, I am not. "I didn't mean to I didn't mean to not come home early yesterday, I won't do it again-" I start but andre squeezes my shoulder.
"No one is blaming you, Jude, come on."
"I am sorry Rin exploded on you like that," Rex exhales. "You didn't deserve that, and you didn't do anything wrong."
"He was right, I should have done better. I should have known better."
"It's not you, trust me on this," Rex says, standing up, looking at me soberly. "It has nothing to do with you. He has his issues that I hope he is solving right now as we speak."
"What issues?"
Andre and Rex look at each other before Rex walks away, leaving me with Andre.
"It's something that neither of us has ever spoken out loud, but it's seen or felt," Andre tries explaining, but it only leaves me with more questions.
"I don't understand."
"Remember when Rin gave you hell on your first day?"
How can I forget? "You said it's because he is being overprotective?"
"This is not something I can talk about lightly, none of us can, so please understand me when I tell you that I can't give you all the answers you are seeking. Miko is the only one who can tell you."
"Andre…"
"It is between them two, and the person in the middle of it takes the brunt. I am sorry, Jude. But I know Miko wouldn't want you to go through that. I know he will defend you better than any of us can ever do when it comes to rin."
There is something about how people speak. How they tell on a secret even when they aren't supposed to, when they don't say things directly but say everything with the cover of other words. It's in how they act, too, their body language.
Right now, Andre is looking down, feeling empathic towards me, and a sort of helplessness is directed towards me. It feels like … whatever it is that he is telling me, I am not on the winning side.
Not the side that goes home happy. Which is funny because I think I do understand what he is telling me. What he has been saying this whole time since that car ride on my first day and yet, I don't.
For some reason, my heart is sinking, a foreign ache spreading lightly in my chest and goes down to my limbs. I wish I didn't have to know this, acknowledge it too, but whatever is going now inside the house …
It involves me, and it might as well decide what my future looks like. I hate it.
I hate that all I am, all I have, is banked on someone else. My future, my chances at life, all compressed and brought down to me being in between something I am not supposed to be in.
And the worst part is … I want to be on the winning side. I don't fully understand what I am asking, but I know that I want to be on the side where Miko is.
It's all about friendship right? But we are barely friends. We are still knowing each other and I happen to have started liking him. Miko is …. He has always been this person, this being that I wish to be close to, know and be in the presence of from the beginning.
Now? Now that I am slowly getting closer to him, slowly seeing him, knowing him … I don't know if I like the idea of him pulling away from me. Him looking at me any differently than I have come to get accustomed to.
"What am I thinking?" I ask in a whisper, burying my face in my hands.
"What?" Andre asks, and I shake my head.
"Nothing, just … I don't want to cause any problems. I don't want us not to get along."
"Whatever happens, I know that it will be for the best," Andre gives me a pained smile. "Don't worry too much about it."
How can I not when I don't fully know what is going on? It feels almost forbidden to ask what exactly is going on. The topic feels like a taboo and a secret that is supposed to remain unspoken. But I know a lot of things never remain that way.
Not for a long time, and most definitely not when it is looking like it is tied to our work. Our livelihood.
I feel Miko before I see him. I have come to recognize his scent; calming, not too overbearing, but it's very unique. It suits him. Earthy, rich, intense but not suffocating.
"I have been looking for you." he stands on my side, eyes on me and he is worrying his lower lip with his teeth. He is looking at me worriedly, too, like I am hurt.
"I have been here, catching fresh air," I shrug, ducking my head because I can't hold his eye for long. I don't know what is happening, what he has talked with Rin and where we all stand.
It's making me jittery and anxious, my stomach is starting to hurt. If I look at him, I feel like I am going to cry, and I am trying my best not to.
"Can we … can we talk?" he asks me in almost a whisper, but I hear him clearly. Andre, too, because he clears his throat and walks away without another word.
"I don't think we should right now," I start as I look behind us. "I want to talk to Rin, apologize for last night."
"Jude…"
"I will see you later, okay?" I give him a small smile as I start walking back into the house. He looks like he's about to stop me, hold my hand, but then he stops last minute.
"Okay," he nods, his gaze on me. "Let's talk later, then. I will find you."
Why do I feel like I wanted him to stop me?