Darkness, again, forgot about it, i just got used with its absence. It's chilly, a soft breeze, cold and a little sharp, keeps hitting me, and rain, strong and heavy, falls over me. But each drop that touches me is warm. i feel all this, so i'm alive, i'm not in the…other world, in coma, i think i'm just dreaming.
A lightning lights up all the sky and all the land. The trees, the animals and the insects. Without other people, without other shadows, just mine. Lit up, white, naked. i see myself form a third perspective, as through the eyes of an owl watching from far away. Why am i naked?
A powerful roar splits the heavens in half. The rain runs away from here, the lightning fades too, and all goes dark again. Again, the roar, painfully loud. He escaped!
i don't feel it anymore. The tension, that muscle, that thing that i was concentrated upon non-stop, even if with just one hundredth of my attention. That thing that i forgot about but now that it's gone i feel it's missing. i feel…relaxed, and free, and completely…dead. As if i just let go of my soul and it left my body. And i'm naked.
"i didn't hold tight enough…"
i let out that cry in a whisper that only the gods could hear, my god…
But what did i let go of? What did i released? i don't remember. What should've i hold so tight that my life depended on it? What was so important that i shouldn't've ever forgot to watch over? What odious monster i just released now?
i hear something, a movement, bush, leaf, or stick, i don't know, but i'm out of here. i sprint through the dark, i feel and hear the trees and the rocks passing by me, whooshing by. By pure luck i succeed in dodging everything in this deep pitch-black darkness. All comes naturally, i sidestep constantly to keep avoiding whatever my senses tell me lays ahead of me, in this long series of flash reflexes. Is as if i know this area like the back of my hand.
The roar. i hear it again, i feel like it's behind me, the creature, the beast, the monster that slipped through my fingers. Now he's coming after me. Hunting me. Punishing me for the mistake i've made. i released him, and now i'll pay. i don't feel his breathing down my neck, yet, but i feel him watching me. i continue running.
Between the trees i notice a light, a shine that passes through the dense tangle of branches and leaves, something for me to use as a guide. i follow it, and after i get out of the denser part of the forest, i see it, it's the moon. It gets brighter and brighter and bigger and less obstructed by the trees, until i pass the last tree that stands in our way. i stop…on the edge of a cliff, i'm right before a steep slope, a slope that leads right into a deadly drop.
i see everything around me, i see the grass, the rocks, the trees, the mountains. All is visible now under the light of Moon. Including my naked body, and the puddle of blood under me. A puddle that has as source, the soles of my feet mangled by the unforgiving terrain of this mountain. Right…i'm on a mountain right now. i see a city ahead of me, down in the valley, a huge and bright view. The city is far ahead and a little to the right, at least 10-20 kilometres, not of just walking, but also of descending. i'm up high, based on the mountains around me, it seems i'm in the highest place.
i have to somehow get t… The roar. Again, deafening and disturbing. This time i felt how it shook the ground. The grass trembled too. Further away, way behind the city, i see a strange hill, mountain or better, a peak, a peak that seems to be moving. The roar breaks again, closer to me, and the ground starts shaking, and with it the peak starts rising. Without stop. Until it passes the clouds and probably continues rising above, but i can't reach it with my eyes anymore to see where or whether it stops.
It's the tower. i don't want to see it anymore, please. The roar, louder, stronger, more vibrant, this time a little bit mechanic, announces the stop of the tower's ascending. All goes back to normal, but there's nothing normal in this picture. In the darkness of the sky, there's a so obvious black line that binds it to the ground. It's quiet.
"It's time to wake up, my love."
Sarah! i look around me, she's nowhere. Behind me, where the forest starts, i hear another rustle. It's just a leaf or something, they moved all night. The wind is blowing constantly. i turn towards the sound.
"Sarah!"
The rustle continues but no one answers. Instead, the shadows start moving. The shadows of the trees, of the leaves, even my shadow. The light that reflects on all the surfaces around me moves too. Until it's gone. As if…i quickly turn back to the slope. It's gone!
Not the tower, but yes, it too. But more importantly, the only source of light that guided me through this darkness is gone. Moon is gone.
"Love."
She's behind me. i feel her hand on my back.
"Are you going to sleep much more love?"
She grabs my shoulder and turns me to her. It really is her. She has a smile that lights up my soul in all this darkness. She's all bright, like the moon.
"It's time to wake up, my sleeping beauty."
With the hand that was still stuck on my shoulder. She pushes me off the cliff. i slip off my feet and start rolling down a few times on the rocky slope, hitting my head and everything on the most sharpest of the rocks. And then i fall. In the deep hollow, which looks without bottom thanks to the darkness. i fall, with my back hit by air. i see the drops of blood leaving my body, my head, my feet, and how they float in air, falling with me, just a little above. And more above, i see Sarah at the edge of the cliff, looking at me with the same smile full of light, full of love.
"you slept more than enough my love. Wake up."
And it disappears. All is covered by the tree leaves that i fell through. And i stop, suddenly, with a huge smash to my back. Hit by the ground. It doesn't hurt. i still have my senses. Smell of nature, feel the gust of wind on my skin, and even the pressure of the rocks that seem to want to pierce my back. But the fall didn't hurt at all. i got more scared by the sudden hit and the sound of it.
This time, through the dense leaves, branches and trees, passes no ray of light anymore. i can barely make out the objects around me. i get up, and with my hands extended forward i start walking. i don't feel i can dodge objects as i did before, as if this sense to guide me is gone completely. In fact, the place i'm in right now, it seems so unnatural, devoid of logic and rules. Devoid of…control.
i walk forward until i touch something, hard, massive and unmovable, after a few more touches i figure out it's the cliff. If at the end of my hands is the mountain i fell off, in the opposite direction must be the city. i turn around 180 and then a little more to the right, and i continue walking.
Slowly, stopping all the trees with my hands and going around them, i head towards the city, i hope. On my path, the trees start getting scarcer, but in their place i meet all kind of objects that from the smallest touch start swinging. i push them out of my way, and they come back to hit me from behind. First i got insanely scared, but then i realized is just these things that swing when pushed.
i don't understand where i am right now, but i don't hear the nature anymore, instead, above me, i hear crows and other kind of birds hovering over. And between my feet i feel from time to time, an animal moving fast and scared. It's something hairy, squirrels, rats? It annoys me so much that i can't see anything.
What is happening?! i'm not dead, or in a coma in fact. But i'm not in a dream either. It's too real, and i can't wake up already! That emergency string we all have and we all pull when we want to wake up from a dream instantly, it's long ago pulled, it's ripped, and nothing changed.
"Sarah! Sarah!"
She kept telling me to wake up. But i'm not in a dream. i can't wake up. i don't know where i am, or how i got here, but… i haven't seen Him in a while, or heard Him. Did He leave me?
"Hey! Where are You? Answer me! i know You can hear me, i know You follow me all the time. Help me!"
i really need Your help. Please…
"Not all the time."
It's Him. Behind me? i turn around, i don't see Him. Anyway…
"I take a pause sometimes. From following you. Not to rest, but to come up with new plans to…take over control. I still want it you know."
"Control?"
"Yes. And I'll do anything to take it."
"i need Your help. Can You help me?"
"To do what?"
"To escape from this place."
"Sure. This is very easy."
"Where am i?"
"In a very familiar place. you've been here before, hundredth of times. Here I…stack, all my victims. But this isn't the worse place you can find yourself in. But the one right next to it. This is just a place, of transit. Now, you're on the edge of the cliff, with a drop ahead of you so deep, and from which I won't be able to ever get you out again. Continue on the path that you were walking on and you'll find it, and on the bottom of it, you'll find abyss. And once fallen there, there you'll remain."
"And You'll have control."
"Exactly. Not how I wish to have it, but apparently there is no other way, since you don't want to give it to Me."
"Please. Take me out of here."
He's not answering. The loud, powerful roar breaks the long silence between us.
"you released it."
"No. He escaped. i didn't…i wasn't aware. How do i run?"
"From what?"
"From the monster."
"you can't run. It doesn't work like that. And you aren't even trying to run away. you're just approaching it with slow steps. And the monster, is waiting for you, in no way it is running after you."
"Get me out of here, please."
Quiet. The roar breaks it again, each time sending chills down my spine and fear into my bones. It's not a noise that i could get ever used to. Above me, a point of light appears. White. Under a human shape. This light gets brighter until i can't look at it anymore. And all that is around me is lit up and hurtful to my eyes, but even more hurtful is the black human sun that burns my eyes with its intensity. i avoid my gaze, but i get to see all that is around me.
Dead trees from which hang…hundred of bodies. Most of them are kids, under ten years old. The objects i was touching and were swinging, were these bodies, their feet…oh, and it did feel like feet what i was touching… Most of them are putrefied, dried, some still move, or better said, rats move under the clothes…under the skins.
Why am i here? Why am i seeing this? What could i've wronged so much, so gravely that…
"Poetic. It's a piece of art. A wonderful, incredible painting, the image that lays in front of you. you know what this view symbolizes?"
"my death? It's me next who's going to be…hanged among those bodies?"
"Shakespeare said it better. 'A coward dies a thousand times before his death, but the valiant taste of death but once.' What you see there, it's you, dead a thousand times."
These are my bodies, me at different points of life, at different ages, at different stages of putrescence.
"i don't understand. Why did i die so many times?"
"Because you continued going towards the abyss. you continued your search to find out everything. The truth. you didn't listen to Me, for a thousand times, and this happened, each time. But especially, because you were a coward! That's why."
"i tried to get into abyss?"
"you even got out from that abyss."
"You said that once in the abyss, i can't get out…"
"This is you, out of the abyss. Dead. If you consider that being dead means getting out of a situation, then my mistake, you can get out of there. Dead!"
"Why did i…?"
"Enough. you want to get out of here, or should I let you go climb a branch and hang yourself?"
"i want home."
The light becomes brighter and brighter but everything around gets darker. It doesn't get to cover more than it's already covered, and all that is covered is slowly hiding. The light, even though is unbearable to the sight, doesn't reach me, somehow i'm still under some shadow. As if something above me, shades me.
i look above me. It's another body, hanged. This time it's a fresh one, an older one. It looks perfectly like me. Like me from now, from the present. Even the same fucking clothes! i look at Him, barely managing to keep my eyes open.
"I'll handle the monster, I'll buy you some time but…hurry. And listen very carefully to what I'm about to say to you now. Follow the safeties."
"But wait, why is this body…?"
It got dark suddenly.
*
"C'mon, it's enough, I've let you more than enough to sleep. I even made an omelette with sausages for you. Wake up."
i open my eyes. It's light. It's day. Sarah is above me. When she sees me opening my eyes she starts kissing me.
"C'mooon, I made you your favourite dish but you didn't want to wake up at all. Let's go eat it until it doesn't get cold."
"i'm coming right away, love, let me change my clothes and wash my eyes."
Sarah starts kissing my eyes and strangles me, pretty rough. She sees on my face that it hurts and releases me. She kisses me once more and then she gets out of the room, not before saying.
"I'll go wait for you in the kitchen."
i get up from the bed. i feel fresh, well-rested and so much relaxed since i let go…since i got rid of that monster. Since i released it. But i feel like i also let go of something else, i lost something, some part of me, something that i had to hold tight, in fact… i don't remember what! i think i'm just bothering myself with too much stuff… i think i'm going crazy…
So much information, so many conflicted things. It's not… i'll try to listen to His advices.
But first, breakfast. i have to eat. Mmmm, and it smells so good. i didn't even woke up properly and my breakfast is already waiting for me, prepared and warm. i have to move in with her. i'd like every morning to wake up as i did today. Except the dream.
i take my clothes off the chair and change. i look at my soles. They're fine. It was after all…a nightmare just. Though, it was one that i couldn't wake up from. i go to the window and look around, particularly more above the buildings. i'm checking the sky, to be honest, looking for the tower.
Another wave of that warm smell comes through the door, as if specially sent by Sarah to bring me to the kitchen faster. It smells good, but… i feel that i can't eat. i can feel the melted cheese and even the burnt onions. Exactly how my grandma used to make it. Sarah knows it's my favourite food. It was what grandma knew how to cook best.
But i can't eat anything, i feel my stomach being empty, i have to put something in it. i have my mouth dry, i'll drink some water and go to the kitchen. i'll have to force myself to eat. But Sarah prepared the omelette just for me. For this act of love, i'll eat everything and then i'll tell her how good it was. And who knows, maybe appetite will come with eating.
i get out of my room and first go to the bathroom to throw some water on my face. i look in the mirror… i just now notice the wounds i have on my face. Mostly small scratches, probably caused by the shards from the windscreen, but i also have two not so small bruises. i touch my wounds with my finger. They still hurt, really bad. my face as a whole feels still traumatized from the accident, numb, and warm.
It wasn't that severe, come one now, i'll recover. my ribs still hurt and, almost all the bones from my body. i take off my shirt and look in the mirror. i'm full of bruises and cuts, some looking horribly. Especially on my right side. It's a bruise that covers all the ribs and part of my chest. And the print of the seatbelt can be clearly seen on my skin, still as a bruise, darker. But there isn't any broken bone besides some of my ribs, and i can walk without any…much trouble. Damn i look like in one of those wear your seatbelt ads, with survivors of the accident that wore their seatbelts but still look like it might not be worthy to wear it at all.
Still, the way my body looks, i'm happy that i'm still alive, and very well. i really am, and i'll never wish for my death, ever. i put my shirt back on and go to the kitchen. Sarah was waiting for me at the table. Sipping softly from her full cup of coffee, but she hasn't touched her food until i came.
"Sit down, the omelette is warm. Omelette. I love saying this word."
She smiles. i smile. Life is good. i go to her and kiss her. i like so very much the way she looks at me. i love her. We're finally a happy couple. If i've known that all i had to do, was to almost die in a car crash, i would've done it sooner.
i sit down at the table near her and look at the omelette. It's made from bits of omelette that have sausages inside, and above it are scrambled eggs with other smaller bits of bacon, and tomatoes, and onions, and the melted cheese above it all. Exactly how my grandma used to make it. It even looks so, authentic, so delicious…
"It looks sooooo good."
"I know that this is what your grandma used to cook for you, and you loved it so much. But i don't understand how can you…it seems so gross to me."
"Mhm. Can't wait to taste it even."
i look around, it's pretty quiet, it doesn't even seem to be another human soul in this apartment.
"Where is mum?"
"She has an interview. She's looking for a job."
"And George and…"
"George is gone to the park with his brother and sister."
The TV was on, showing news about some protests, the cries of the protesters were very loud.
"If dad is still working, why…?"
"I don't know, probably they don't want to stay at George forever, right?"
"Yeah, right."
i look at the food on my plate. It feels so gross indeed. But not this especially, but every food that comes to my mind right now, and that i try to remember its taste, feels gross and distasteful. i can't…yet.
"And what job is mum looking for?"
"C'mon, we have all the time in the world to talk, please eat. you haven't eaten anything in more than three days. Please."
"Alright, alright my love, i'll eat. But i ate yesterday."
"No… you said you are tired and that you can't eat anything yet."
"Oh…"
Autopilot, couldn't you have eaten something for me?
"C'mon…I want to know if it's good, if it tastes right."
"Alright, alright."
i take the fork and play with the food with it. Try to grab something with it but…what then…i can't eat.
On the TV, the reporter was getting right in the middle of the protest. He goes closer to a protester that looks like a bum by the clothes and face. On the cardboard he was holding was written: 'Construction of the tower will deconstruct civilization!' The reporter asks the man:
"What does this sign represent? Why are you against this development taking into consideration that it will bring so many advantages to the humanity and so many discoveries?"
i look at Sarah, she's uninterested by what is going on on the TV. i don't want to pay attention to other things but to her, and family. i manage to grab a big piece of omelette, and i try to catch also two pieces of sausage in the same fork, and then i send all of it to the mouth…
"It's an atrocity what they are doing here. They're building a monster, of a building. It won't bring nothing else but destruction. That's what they're doing, and we're letting them. We're letting them build the Tower of Babel. That's what these bastards are building."
What?! The fork got stuck right before entering my mouth. i can't believe what i'm hearing, i imagined it, i think. No, sure it's just…
"They're going to destroy us all. The entire civilization will fall apart. None of you read about that part of our history. Most specially not these 'remarkable intellectuals and men of wide reading'. If you had your minimum of general knowledge at least, you'd know that what they're building there, will bring just despair and destruction. They'll destroy us all, and we are letting them, we are looking in their mouths and eating it, thinking that their words are different, are golden. They have no idea how they're going to have their minds bent once they'll finish the construction. They're going to be controlled by power and they're going to turn these inventions designed to help the man, against the man. They're going to destroy our planet and us with it!"
"Did you get trapped in your mind?"
It's true. All of it. All that happened until now. If i ever had an ounce of doubt, now, in this sure reality, that doubt got completely shattered. i know that all that happened until now was 100% real. Darkness, Light, Moon, the old hag, the tower, Him, all of it. i don't know how, in what order, and what the fuck is going on actually. But i know all of it is real. The man from the TV is real. And he's right, they're going to destroy our planet if they build that tower. i can't let now, when i have it all, everything that i wished for…i can't let this to happen. i have to save my world. i have to save the planet. Sarah, myself, what we have together, i suffered so much to lose so soon, all of it.
"Love?"
"What? Yes. i can't eat, i'm sorry, but i have to go right now. It's something important."
"Hey! Wow! you're not going anywhere. Sit down and eat. you went through a trauma, you're starving most likely, your stomach is definitely empty. And now you suddenly want to go who knows where? you think this is a decision of a sane man? Tell me?"
i don't know what to tell her. Because, indeed this is not the decision of a sane man. i feel terrible, for all that she did, and all that i did to her…and now i want to leave, again. But i can't let the tower be built, i have to protect all that i have now, otherwise all would be in vain. i haven't suffered for nothing.
"What happened between the two of us, what happened with George and Matt. All of it was…i dr…i knew of it because of…someone. That's why i knew to go after George, that's why i knew to get in time to Matt, almost in time. i don't want to risk it and almost not get in time…for you too. Not do it in time… Please, you have to let me stop all these…events from happening. Please, you have to let me protect you."
"But tell me what is happening. Tell me how can I…"
"i can't. i don't know how to, and it would be too dangerous for you, and i'd lose a lot of time to make you understand it all. And i, don't have time. i have to leave now."
"you can't leave now. You can't run away from me again without any explanation and do whatever dangerous things you want to do. you understand? We are together now, we do everything together, with no secrets."
"Please. Let me take care of you. For the first time in my life, i'm happy, let me protect this happiness, us. i don't want this to ever end."
i get up from the table, leave the fork on the plate, with the piece of omelette and the two sausages still stuck in it, and go to the foyer. i didn't got to taste it, but i promise i'll finish with everything and then i'll taste all that you have to offer me, i'll taste maybe even happiness.
"Please, don't leave…"
my heart hurts so bad. i tortured her, i bashed her, smashed her into the wall. i made her suffer and i wished her a fate worse than death. And she, she just asks me not to leave her side. Why everything that i'm doing, good or bad intentions, i get to hurt her?
i get my shoes on while looking at her. She's sad and frustrated. She takes my omelette and puts it in her plate, which is also untouched, and then she puts it in the fridge. Then she comes to me.
"Sarah…"
She comes without looking at me, not even for a second. She hugs me.
"Please…take care of you."
"i love you."
"i love you too, but i want you back, whole."
"i promise, i won't come back otherwise."
"you come back no matter what you heard me?!"
"Yes."
i get out and call the elevator, she stops at the doorway to look at me. The elevator comes to the floor.
"Please eat something in the city, don't stay like this, please. you don't understand how important it is to eat. Promise me."
Fuck.
"i'll get something to eat, i won't die of hunger…i promise."
i open the door, go inside and close the interior doors. i promise i'll come back, no matter what. The elevator goes down.
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