I turned to Mabel, who was brushing gnome off her sweater like it might be contagious.
"Head back to the Shack," I said, casually slinging the leaf blower over my shoulder like some kind of janitorial superhero. "I got this."
Mabel squinted one eye and tilted her head. "You sure? Because they literally tried to kidnap me five minutes ago. I'm still emotionally sticky."
"Yeah," I said with a grin. "Besides, they're scared of this thing now." I gave the blower a rev for dramatic effect. It coughed, wheezed, and shot out a rogue leaf towards the gnomes like it had a vengeance. "See?"
Jeff whimpered audibly. Good.
Mabel still looked worried, but then she smiled. "Fine, but if you die, I'm giving your journal to Gompers."
"...He can't read."
"Exactly."
With a little finger wave, she skipped off, probably humming some tune about a new boyfriend. I waited until she was out of sight before turning to Jeff, who was currently trying to hide behind a twig.
His followers, four of the five, since one was still presumably unconscious in a fern somewhere, stood behind him, jittery and wide-eyed.
I stepped forward, leaf blower cradled under one arm.
"Okay, Jeff," I said, stepping forward with a menacing voice. "Earlier, you said something."
He looked up at me, eyes wide. "Please don't say it's about the queen thing—"
"'We'll do anything,'" I quoted, holding up one finger. "That's what you said. Ring any bells?"
Jeff winced. "I meant, like, wash your socks or mow your lawn. Normal hostage stuff."
"Too late. You made a verbal contract with a preteen wielding a class-four wind weapon. Now…" I raised the blower slightly and watched the gnome group collectively flinch. "You're gonna help me."
They gulped in unison. Adorable.
"You want us to kidnap someone else?" Jeff asked nervously. "Because we're really more of a 'steal shiny rocks kind of tribe—"
I lowered the leaf blower and gave him a look. "No," I lean in letting the pause eminaate "I'm calling in that favor and I want All of it."
His eyes widened. "All… of it?"
"Yes. Your food, your assistance, your tool, down to the last of your questionable disguises, I want it all."
The gnomes exchanged looks, their collective hive-mind humming with confusion and mild terror.
Jeff raised one stubby arm. "Just to clarify, this isn't like...a weird human thing, right? You're not gonna ask us to oil your knees or write a musical about your tragic childhood?"
"No," I said flatly. "You're going to take me to your village."
Jeff sighed. "Of course. It's always the village. Why do we have a village? We should've gone with the treehouse idea."
Giving the leaf blower a light rev. It purred threateningly. "Lead the way, short stack."
With a resigned grunt, Jeff turned and began waddling into the forest, the others falling into step behind him like a group of bearded ducklings. I followed close behind, my heart thudding with anticipation.
--------------------
A few minutes later, we were venturing deeper into the forest. I followed behind Jeff and the other gnomes, who waddled awkwardly, punctuated by the occasional gnome tripping over roots or arguing about moss quality.
I kicked a twig by accident, which snapped like a gunshot and made all five gnomes shriek and dive for cover.
"Seriously?" I muttered. "It's a twig."
"Could've been a squirrel!" one of them yelled from under a mushroom. "You ever stared down a rabid squirrel?!"
I could only pause,"...Fair point."
Eventually, Jeff stood on a suspiciously mossy log and pointed ahead. "We're here."
I stepped forward, brushing branches out of my way. The clearing we entered was surprisingly cozy, like if a Renaissance fair and a landscaping company had a baby. Tiny mushroom houses, paths?! and what I think was a disco ball made out of snail shells hung from a branch.
"Huh," I said. "Looks just like it did on the show. Except, more to show."
Jeff spun dramatically on the log and let out a high-pitched whistle. "Attention, forest brethren!" he shouted, arms flailing. "Gather, for we have met a… powerful leaf wizard!"
"...Not a wizard," I mumbled. But hey, I wasn't correcting him too hard.
In a matter of seconds, gnomes poured in from burrows, hollow trees, and at least one suspicious log that might have been a bathroom. Soon there were like fifty of them standing in front of me, staring, blinking, some of them drooling sap.
I cleared my throat.
Nobody reacted.
I cleared it louder.
Still nothing.
Jeff leaned toward me and whispered, "You have to yell. Their attention spans are roughly equal to that of a squirrel."
Got it.
I clapped my hands and projected my voice like I was about to sell questionable vitamins on local TV. "Citizens of the forest!"
Fifty heads turned.
"Your boy Jeff here made a sacred promise," I continued, pacing my explanation like a drama teacher ""I am Dipper Pines, gnome-slayer, mystery-solver, and wielder of the Leaf Blower of Judgment!by the ancient laws of not getting leaf-blasted into the stratosphere… you all now work for me."
A few gnomes clapped.
One held up a mushroom like it was a lighter at a concert.
It was going well.
Until one guy in a pinecone beanie raised his hand. "Wait, wait, wait. Why should we listen to you? What makes you the boss?"
Immediately, the crowd turned into a hive mind of agreement.
"Yeah, who even is this guy?"
"He's got no beard!"
"Where's his pointy hat?!"
I gave Jeff a side-eye.
Jeff gulped. "I was getting to it."
Sigh.
I slowly raised the leaf blower and revved it wit a flick of my wrist.
Jeff dove out of the way before I even pressed anything. Smart guy.
"Run!" he screamed. "He's got the sucky thing again!"
They scattered like dandelion fluff in a hurricane obey there order promptly.
One unlucky gnome with an already bent hat tripped over a pebble. I hit the power and FWOOOSH! He was sucked up, bounced off the nozzle with a squeaky "YIPE!" and launched into the air like a pig with wings.
Flip of a finger.
"Incoming!" someone yelled in the distance.
Thud.
Silence.
Then an echoing voice from the treetops cried out: "WHY IS IT ALWAYS MEEEEEEE?!"
I turned back to the crowd, now trembling in terror and awe. I casually let the blower idle, making it purr like a beast that could bite but was choosing not to. Yet.
"Any other objections?" I asked.
Not a single gnome raised a hand.
I clapped my hands together. "Great. Now that that's settled, I have a task."
--------------------------
Once the gnomes stopped panic-sprinting like toddlers at a balloon pop, we got down to business. And by "business," I mean I stood on a rock like a dictator and watched.
"Team Rootrat! You're in charge of perimeter surveillance! Team Lichenblaster, you're on east" Jeff called out paper in hand.
I'd given him a piece of paper ripped straight from the journal. it described the mushroom, purple and glowing as the same one that boosted ones intellect after application or consumption.
By gnome standards, their little village was pretty advanced, especially at finding things. I leaned back a bit, but the sweat soaked, pine dust covered gnomes scramble like tiny, determined soldiers.
Judging from the skies, they'd been at it for hours systematically sweeping the forest in squads, each group scouring the undergrowth for a very specific mushroom. Jeff, of course, was acting like he was running a high-stakes expedition, holding up the ripped-out journal page like it was some sacred treasure map, barking orders and redirecting squads with a self important puff to his chest.
I sighed. Grunkle Stan and Mabel were probably already wondering where I was, or at least where the leaf blower was. I called Jeff over and waved toward the pile they'd already dumped at my feet.
"No good. Keep the search going, but start fresh tomorrow. Same mission. And when you find the right one, bring it straight to the Shack."
Jeff almost let out a relieved sigh before catching himself and plastering on a smile. "Of course, Your Highness. Your mushroom shall be found and delivered with utmost urgency and honor!"
"Right. Great." I gave him a nod, already turning to leave.
With the gnome mission handled for now, I figured it was time to take advantage of the day. Summer in Gravity Falls wasn't going to wait for me to figure out forest politics. There was a whole town out there full of weirdness, mystery and other cool things to do with Mabel.
"Time to start enjoying this life just a bit more."