Ming Ran had been standing at the edge of the water for the longest time, staring into it and trying to see within it. When was the last time he had ventured here? He had of course come through this place after he had died, in his previous life. Once when he was younger too. Cang Yuan had come to stop him that time. He hadn't dared come here again since. He watched his life play out in the reflection of the water, every bit of information had been stored here. There was something here for him to do, he was held back by something here, stopped from moving forward.
Are you going to go in?
A familiar voice appearing from behind him. Ming Ran turned around and faced them.
...
"And so?" Meng Qi sniffed the tea with disdain as she sat before the most hated person on the Twelve Mountains. Cang Yuan stuffed another pastry in his mouth greedily, in between bites he asked,
"So what?" he swallowed and drank some tea to wash it down before licking his hands to relieve them of any extra sticky residue.
"Are you going to explain where your youngest disciple is?"
"I don't know. Training, I suppose?" he shrugged. A lot of people really did come to ask about his students- er, maybe just one students. Ming Ran was a child that caught many eyes. He was, in a word, lovely, and kind. He was like a light that shone brightly in the darkness, drawing people in and giving them refuge from the coldness of the world. There was no doubt that, should he die, darkness would swallow the world. When was it? That Cang Yuan had first been drawn in himself? He had sensed that this child was important from when he was still in Ming Qing's womb. He hadn't thought that much into it, in fact, he avoided this special feeling like the plague. He wanted nothing to do with it anymore, not when he was faced with the same situation again. The second time he met the child was when he was born, he took after him. Maybe it was the qi he had poured into her womb to ensure she didn't miscarriage. He was adamant about not getting involved, and not getting his pupil involved either. Being too attached to something was dangerous and one could loose themselves in the loss that partings came with. He tried everything to keep Wei Ning away from the boy after he was born-- going so far as to bury his pupil in his studies. He finished without complaint and still found a way to venture to see him. Then the boy got kidnapped or threatened by servants or other problematic interlopers. It was annoying to say the least, and so he gave the child a beast that would protect him. Otherwise, his student would have blown off his studies for the brat. It wasn't long before Cang Yuan met him in person again.
He would never forget the look on his pupil's face when he arrived. Ming Ran had died, or was dying. When he went to have a look, he found a deep hatred for the child. Surrounded by many people, laying nearly colorless on a bed, was Ming Ran. He was dipping his toes into a place very familiar to him: the Spring of Wisdom. He was drowning in it and forgetting himself. He fished him back out and was steeped in a great hatred as he waited for the child to open his eyes. Humans came back from the place at a ridiculously slow pace. When Ming Ran opened his eyes, Cang Yuan felt annoyingly relieved. He left the child with a warning and left. Many years passed, and he had given up on restricting his student's visiting of that boy. Cang Yuan felt again swallowed by darkness and hatred for that child. He sat at the banquette and saw the boy come in, breathtakingly beautiful, as always- again he felt the darkness lift again. He ended up waving to the boy who shyly waved back. He could not figure out his own emotions. He had plenty of time to wallow in regret, the forced parting was somewhat his fault.
Even as he sat at the table with Meng Qi, he felt that he could only quickly recognize the emotions that he had felt all this time, before pushing them away again. It was like sneaking quick peaks at a precious treasure before locking it away again for safe keeping, only to check it again. Maddening. He no longer bore hatred to this child- now his disciple- he couldn't after he saw him again at the ceremony when he entered the Twelve Mountains. Now, he realized, he was truly done for. His own heart was covered in chains and they scalded him whenever he touched the light, yet he wanted to be in the light's presence forever.
Cang Yuan looked out the window and sighed, his student was going to dip his toes again, but this time it was what was needed. It was time that this power was honed and put to good use.
...forever was such a long time...
...
Ming Ran looked back at the almost alien figure before him. She stood not a few feet before him, dressed just as he remembered. A long, oversized shirt, ratty, matted brown hair, hallow and lost grey eyes, pale cheeks flushed from the cold and humiliation. She was covered in cuts, bruises, wounds, and blood. Something else too, but Ming Ran couldn't bear to look at it. It was still too painful. This was her, Elle was here. Her feet were still bare and bloody. The bottom of her feet had been torn to shreds and likely had little skin left to keep the blood inside. Blood still flowed from a giant gash in her head. This was the darkness left behind from that night.
I'm asking if you are here to relive it?
Ming Ran shook his head.
You know you can speak in this place, right? Or are you just that stupid?
Ming Ran could think of nothing to say to that. Elle looked away bitterly,
You've become so pretty now, it's almost unbearable to look at you. Disgusting. You have more now than you ever had before, but you're not happy.
Ming Ran took a step back, his breath shuddering. Elle scoffed and moved on.
What do you hope to gain from this place if you still can't visit that night? You've had a cushy life thus far. People who were willing to give anything to coddle you. You've even been able to meet them again. Your kidnappers even treated you well. Still you sulk in silence. Why even bother to come here?
"Cang Mu wants to win the tournament."
Ah. Right. I forgot. You're the light side of Elle. You have no life of your own, everything you do is for the benefit of others.
"That's not true."
Isn't it? We were starved for love back then, but that night changed everything. It was the first time we questioned how we lived. Death does that. When you look death in the face and stare into the darkness you question everything you know. The Spring of Wisdom reaches out to you at that moment and you recall everything. How you lived, why you did things, mistakes you made, unfinished business, truth becomes real.
"At the end of our life last time, we wondered why we lived solely for other people. We gave so much to others. We went to a college that would be out of our family's sight because they couldn't stand the look of us. We caused them so much trouble, so we slaved every day to make it right. Giving up our own hopes and dreams to makes theirs a reality. We were lucky that Theo reached out when he did. We got into a good college because of it."
Where the cycle just continued, giving and giving and giving. And for what? What did we really have at the end?
"Friends." Ming Ran answered, "Friends who have been looking for us even in this life."
Right. Friends! Oh, I think I could cry. If they were so precious, why not tell them who you are? Why not reunite with them? Because you remember how it was we got to the top of that abandoned building in the first place.
"It wasn't their fault." Ming Ran sighed.
Then why did we feel more alone when we were with them? Why did we suffer if we had our friends there for us?
"Because we never bothered to reach out to them." Ming Ran reasoned.
You're doing it again. You are giving them an out. Being dolled up because we're too ugly to stand out in a date, did we ever ask to have them make us "pretty"? Being told that it was fine because "that just isn't the type of person we are", what the hell did they know about who we were? They didn't. They saw someone who would listen to them, made her into a saint that she never was, put her on a pedestal, and forced her to act out their image. Yes, those friends, they still do that even now, don't they?
"They don't."
You're building a wall, telling yourself everything is okay. You're just a pretty little doll in this life, one they've decided is made of glass and needs to be protected by them. All. The. Time. Have you ever wondered why you hesitated that night? Elle pointed at the water's edge, showing a new scene. Ming Ran had finally done it. Cang Mu was away, the guard around Ming Ran had decreased considerable, he had hidden enough supplies to make it back to the Empire.
That night he had made it a few miles away from camp without being noticed. He looked back at the fading light of the clan that he was leaving behind, standing in the plains for an hour before turning away. He dawdled endlessly, his steps only slowing as he made it closer to the Empire. When dawn broke, Ming Ran made for the place where he wanted to stay. He found Cang Mu's task force two days later and stayed with him until he made back to the Honglu Clan.
You chose your kidnappers over your family and those friends of yours, why? You could have gone to the gates, told them who you were, and they would have escorted you back home. Why didn't you?
"I liked the freedom that the tribe offered."
Bullshit. You liked the fact that they accepted you as someone who wasn't perfect, who wasn't a saint. They liked you for you. That was what you wanted, someone to like you unconditionally for you. How many of the women hated you when you first arrived because you were useless? Some of those women stepped up and taught you everything. They started to create a real relationship with you.
Ming Ran was silent. There were many times they were disliked as "Elle", but it was always about someone else. She was disliked because some of the most popular people on campus adored her. No one even was aware that "Elle" was not adored, the brand named Elle was. Ming Ran of the Empire was the same. Adored as the weak, little angel, unable to lift barely anything. Ming Ran of the Honglu Tribe was a hardworking, useless, klutz who became a doctor, one of the fastest runners, a lover of learning and reading, and devoted to his husband.
"You're right. I want to be me. I want to be strong enough to stand on my own. However, my place, the place that I want to be, is by Cang Mu's side."
Pft! Yeah, kind of figured that. Then, get going already! He's waiting for you.
Ming Ran smiled and entered the spring. It was freezing, and slowly he felt the world fall away. He could feel himself unraveling. Who was he again? He was Ming Ran.
Who's Ming Ran?
Someone who loves to read and to practice medicine. Someone who wants to help people because it's the right thing to do. A klutz, fast, and smart. Someone who values his husband.
Who's his husband?
Cang Mu.
Who is Cang Mu?
Someone I am returning to.
A bright light filled his eyes, and the world began to pour into him. The cycles ever flowing with qi only going round and round again. The people uphold those rules, and at the very beginning and the very end is a great dragon. Looking into its eyes, one can see everything, hear everything, feel everything. The five senses are all enhanced as one accepts the world as it is, to become one with it is sharing it's perception. Empathizing was/is my/our specialty, after all.
I'm going home...