No U turn
————
The air grew heavier as they walked, the night deepening around them.
The sounds of the bustling city had faded, leaving only the soft rustling of leaves and the distant chirp of crickets. It was a peaceful moment, one that should have been comforting.
But Shen Qingqiu couldn't shake the unease settling deep within him, the weight of his own thoughts pressing against his chest.
Binghe walked beside him, his pace slow and easy, as if he had all the time in the world. But Shen Qingqiu felt the opposite—a sense of urgency building with every step, every heartbeat.
His thoughts were growing more scattered, his chest tightening as the realization slowly sank in, like cold water seeping into his bones. I'm falling for him.
The words echoed in his mind, and with each repetition, the ache in his heart grew deeper.
His fingers twitched again, aching to reach for Binghe, to feel the warmth of his hand, but Shen Qingqiu stopped himself.
It was dangerous.
This wasn't a path he could walk down, not without consequences. He had spent so much of his life in control, protecting himself from these messy, confusing emotions.
But with Binghe… it was different.
Everything felt different.
Binghe was still talking, but Shen Qingqiu didn't hear the words anymore. His mind was too preoccupied with the questions he couldn't answer.
Why had it come to this?
Why did his heart betray him like this, racing whenever Binghe was near?
Why did the mere thought of his smile send a shiver through his body?
And worse,
why did it feel like he was losing a battle he didn't even know he was fighting?
Shen Qingqiu's breath hitched, and he tried to steady himself, but it was becoming harder.
His feelings were an ocean, deep and overwhelming, and he was standing on the edge, terrified of being pulled under.
A gentle hand landed on his shoulder, and he stiffened, pulling himself back from the depths of his thoughts.
He glanced over at Binghe, who had stopped walking, his expression soft, though a hint of concern lingered in his eyes.
"Qingqiu?"
Binghe's voice was gentle, but there was an underlying seriousness to it.
"You've been so quiet. Are you sure you're alright?"
Shen Qingqiu didn't answer immediately. He wanted to say something, anything, but the words felt like they were stuck in his throat.
How could he tell Binghe what he was feeling when he barely understood it himself? How could he say, I'm scared without sounding weak or foolish?
How could he confess a love that seemed both inevitable and impossible at the same time?
"I'm fine," he finally said, forcing a smile he didn't feel.
But it didn't reach his eyes.
What a lie.
Binghe's brow furrowed, sensing the unease in Shen Qingqiu's tone. "You're lying," he said quietly.
"I know you too well for that."
The honesty in Binghe's voice hit Shen Qingqiu like a wave.
His chest tightened again, and he took a step back, breaking eye contact.
The last thing he wanted was for Binghe to see just how much turmoil was swirling inside him.
I don't want him to know.
I don't want to admit it.
But Binghe wasn't letting him retreat.
He stepped closer, his presence warm and constant, a reminder of the comfort and chaos he brought into Shen Qingqiu's life.
"You're not fine,"
Binghe said softly, his voice carrying a weight of understanding that made Shen Qingqiu's heart ache.
"I can tell. And if you don't want to talk about it, that's fine.
But don't push me away, Shizun. I… I don't want to see you like this. I want to be there for you."
Luo Binghe's eyes start tearing up.
Shen Qingqiu's throat tightened, the words threatening to spill out, but he held them back. The dam inside him was cracking, and he could feel the flood coming, but he wasn't ready to drown in it just yet.
"I…" He swallowed, his hands trembling at his sides.
"I don't know what to say. I don't know what I'm feeling."
Grabbing ShenQingqiu's arm, Binghe's gaze softened, his voice gentle as he spoke again. "You don't have to know. Just… don't shut me out."
Shen Qingqiu closed his eyes, the rawness of Binghe's words sinking deep into his chest. He wanted to tell him.
He wanted to open up, to be honest, but the fear of what that might mean was too much to bear.
What would it mean?
He couldn't even imagine it.
"You deserve better,"
Shen Qingqiu muttered, barely audible.
The words felt like they had been torn from him, but he couldn't stop them once they were out.
"You deserve someone who doesn't push you away, someone who doesn't have all these... complicated feelings."
He couldn't bring himself to say it.
Feelings for you.
Binghe stood still for a moment,
the air around them thick with the tension that Shen Qingqiu had created.
And then, finally, Binghe took a step forward, closing the space between them.
"I don't want anyone else," he said quietly, his voice almost too soft to hear.
"I want you, Shen Qingqiu.
I've wanted you for a long time."
The words hit Shen Qingqiu like a thunderclap, shattering the fragile walls he had built around himself.
His heart pounded in his chest, a wild, uncontrollable rhythm that made him feel like he was losing himself.
"I..."
Shen Qingqiu's voice faltered, his chest tightening with a rush of emotion he couldn't control.
"I don't know what to do with that.
I... I don't know if I can—"
Binghe's hand reached out, cupping Shen Qingqiu's cheek gently, and for a moment, time seemed to freeze.
The world around them felt distant, insignificant.
The only thing that mattered was the warmth of Binghe's touch, the depth in his eyes that made Shen Qingqiu feel like he was drowning, yet he didn't want to be saved.
"I'm not asking for anything, Shizun,"
Binghe whispered.
"I just want you to be honest with me.
With yourself."
Shen Qingqiu closed his eyes, his breath shaky. Honest with myself.
The words echoed in his mind, and for the first time, he allowed himself to truly confront what was happening inside him.
The affection he had been denying, the love he had tried so hard to bury—it was all there, rising to the surface.
I've fallen with him.
The realization came with a sharp, painful clarity. And it hurt. It hurt so much that Shen Qingqiu had to bite his lip to keep from crying out. Because love was a dangerous thing. And in his world, in his life, there was no room for it.
But Binghe… Binghe had a way of breaking down every defense, every reason Shen Qingqiu had ever held onto.
And as much as he wanted to deny it, to run away from the truth, he couldn't.
And now, there's no going back.