Nikko's point of view
Although it's hard for me to touch him in any way, I couldn't help it but hug him with all my love today. And if I could, I would hug him all the time. Hoshi's smell reminds me of vanilla, and I always feel safe resting in his embrace, yet every slightest touch reminds me of-
My thoughts are interrupted by Hoshi, who just came with his cup of espresso, sitting opposite to me on a wooden chair. "So how's the cake?" He asks.
"It's really good, you should definitely try it!"
The pink sakura petals are elegantly flowing on our table, while the warm wind plays with my messy, brown hair. The petals' gentle look brings the spring love even closer, their calming flitting making my body breathe with tender affection, as the early sun highlights Hoshi's flawless face.
I didn't even expect him here, even though I know this is his favourite stop on his morning runs.
"It's 7 AM. I think we must be the first customers" I note down.
"I think so too," Hoshi answers, and we again keep quiet for a while. I don't even realise it, but my eyes linger on his shiny face, and closely observe him.
He usually wakes up really late when he can, around 11 AM, but he somehow manages to always look fresh, even so early. And before his morning coffee!...
He's not even sleeping well… seriously how does he do this?
"You're really in your head a lot today. What is it? You always say everything that comes to your mind." Hoshi again interrupts my thoughts, but I didn't even notice that I am being quiet.
"That's just the way I am sometimes. When I'm tired, I usually don't talk that much" I gently smile, to assure him that it's nothing too serious.
He looks away for a bit, some sort of a worry appearing on his face, and I think I know why. Since our first and only kiss, I haven't even tried to give him a second one, and now it looks like I don't even wanna talk to him anymore.
"You know you can talk to me…" He says.
He must think I hate him now or something… But I can't just come and say Heyyy, Takamori, the obnoxious guy that I told you about, has been touching me against my will and it totally ruined the way I sense touch and made me feel objectified…
I just can't. I don't want to go even deeper into problems… It's been hard.
After the first volleyball game with Takamori in the team, I thought we could maybe forget the past and actually be friends. Takamori played well, he wasn't aggressive, nor bad or overly hyped. The atmosphere was good and I didn't feel unwell around him. But when we left to the changing rooms, he didn't hesitate to give me a spank on the butt with the words "You did really great". I thought it was a little odd, especially when he knew I was gay and literally hated it about me, but I let it be, because I see guys do this kind of thing in sports all the time. I thought it was ok, until the next time, his hands again cheekily wandered to my ass, now giving it a tight squeeze. I overlooked it, I thought it was just a weird joke or some sort of an encouragement as the last time, but deep inside of me, some sort of discomfort emerged. I have always been sensitive to touch, therefore I didn't want him to touch me like this even if he was just making fun of me, encouraging me, anything. But I didn't say a word about it.
After the third game something crazy happened though. Takamori appeared really flirty and touchy throughout the whole game. He would pat my back and hug me with a squeeze whenever I scored, some of his touches very soft, almost tempting. I felt a weird feeling spread through my body every time our skin met, as if it knew that something was wrong. It really didn't seem like encouragement to me anymore, and so I slowly started distancing.
When we were changing in the changing rooms, I would feel his gaze slip to my body. When I took off my t-shirt, he slowly leaned closer and seductively stroked my bare back with different words "You look really good all sweaty".
I would say my nipples suddenly hardened with shock, but I think it was the cold. Anyways I was shocked. Was he hitting on me?
The way he said it, I wasn't sure if he was just mocking me for my sexuality, or he meant it. After putting myself together out of surprise, I just rolled my eyes at him and left, persuading myself that Takamori was just teasing me.
Every time I take off my T-shirt now, I see him beside me, whispering how hot I look, and how he wipes the sweat off of my back. That's how uncomfortable it felt, but it was about to feel even worse.
Next week it was his fingers on my neck, and the fifth time it was my thigh. Then it was his low voice whispering to my ear, reaching for the same thing, accidentally bumping into me from behind, his hot breath on my shoulder and it only kept graduating. He was going furter, he wanted more and more of me, my body, until I finally decided to confront him.
One time we stayed alone in the changing room. His hand was just about to hold my arm, when I gripped it and hissed "What do you want from me?"
It was clear that he wasn't encouraging me anymore, but he also wasn't trying to hit on me. Not even knowing the reason he does all this made me confused and frustrated.
"What? I was just about to compliment you with my charming touch" He teasingly grinned.
"Why do you touch me all the time? Do you like me or what?!"
"Not really, I guess I just need physical touch" he shrugged his shoulders "I need to satisfy my needs, you know?"
Feeling of disgust and absolute anger was suddenly fighting inside of me. I was feeling used. Used for his desires, that he won't even admit to. He would make fun of people for being gay, when he himself seemed like he would get hard from me in any minute. I wanted to smack that stupid grin off his face, but I felt faint, almost like vomiting.
"Just keep your hands off of me!" I screamed, and let the door fall behind me with a loud shut.
Nothing else happened. I just walked out of the stadium, pissed, and feeling low.
My nerves kept boiling every time I saw his face ever since then. The first few weeks I would always put his hand down when he did something, and shoot him a deadly glare, but later, I just started ignoring it. His hands still keep going on places that even Hoshi would be careful to go to and I act as if it was nothing.
And now it's only my mistake that I just silently bare it and don't do anything.
Everytime I come home from a match, I feel like scratching out my plucked eyes. I can't even look at myself. He makes me feel like an object, like a stupid toy. A thing without emotions, just being weak and anxious, and nobody cares. It's as if my feelings didn't matter anymore, as if they were taken from me because I'm not even allowed to feel anything anymore. I'm sure if somebody would poke into me, I would fall apart like a freaking jenga. I feel that vulnerable at such moments.
And I still keep silent about it. I decided to live through this torture, so I have to bare it alone.
Yet sometimes I ask myself, what would happen if I confided? Maybe Aito would kick him out of the team, if that's in his power. Maybe Hoshi would be here for me, if I told him, he'd give me emotional support. And Yuki would give me the courage to kick his ass…Nah, actually SHE would kick his ass.
But I'm just tired. Too tired to even try to do something with it, yet paradoxically this is the thing that makes me tired. So I get tired of doing something with what's happening to me, because it is happening to me. Does that mean that there is no way out of this?
"Nikko? Earth calling Nikko! Are you here with us?"
"Gosh I'm sorry. Did I think for too long?"
"Yes, you did. And I still wonder what you thought of…" Hoshi sighs.
I can clearly see how confused and sad my actions make him. He thinks for a bit, and eventually forms an understanding smile. "Just remember you're not alone in anything. I am always here for you"