Hajime sat by the window, his gaze drawn to the people walking down the bustling street below. He spotted a woman holding a child's hand, standing patiently beside a food stall, waiting for their meal. The simple, everyday scene pierced through his present calm, pulling him back to that day – the day he had truly understood that some people were welcomed with love from their very first breath, while others, like him, were met with an inexplicable hatred from the moment they first cried at birth.
The memory began. Six-year-old Hajime stood outside an unfamiliar house, a worn backpack slung over one shoulder, a small duffel bag clutched in his other hand. Though young, he possessed a maturity far beyond his years, a quiet resignation etched onto his small face. He wasn't entirely sure why he was standing there, but his mother had simply told him, in a cold, clipped tone, that he would be living with his father from now on.
Hajime waited outside for what felt like an eternity, the sun slowly dipping below the horizon, painting the sky in hues of orange and purple. It was late at night when a pregnant woman approached the house, her hand gently guiding a two-year-old boy.
Ichika, the woman, offered Hajime a strained smile. "Hmm... are you looking for someone?" she asked, her eyes scrutinizing him.
"I'm looking for Hinode-san," Hajime replied, his voice small but clear.
"Why are you looking for him?" Ichika pressed, her smile faltering.
"He is my father," Hajime stated, the simple truth.
Ichika's face went pale, like a ghost, all warmth draining from her features. "Aren't you supposed to be with your mother?"
"She asked me to get out of the car and told me to stay with Papa from now on," Hajime explained, his voice devoid of emotion, simply relaying facts.
Though Ichika clearly bristled at his presence, at the thought of him living with them, she carefully masked her displeasure. She didn't want to leave a bad impression in front of her husband, so she forced a polite tone and invited Hajime inside the house.
Hajime sat quietly in the living room, a glass of juice in his hand, watching Ichika feed the two-year-old toddler, Danno. The air was thick with an unspoken tension, an undercurrent of something he couldn't quite name. He drank his juice, feeling like an intruder.
It was much later when Asa, his father, finally returned home. When he walked into the living room, he stopped, surprised to find Hajime there. Then, a smile broke across his face, and he rushed towards Hajime, his arms open.
"What's the matter? Why are you here?" Asa asked, his voice filled with genuine concern, though a hint of worry touched his eyes.
"Mother said, I will stay with you from now on," Hajime repeated, the same flat explanation.
Asa sighed, a subtle weariness in the sound, but his smile remained. He gently stroked Hajime's head and asked, "Have you eaten?"
Hajime nodded.
Asa smiled again, a forced cheerfulness. "You sleep on the sofa tonight. Papa will call your mother tomorrow to see what she wants, okay?"
Hajime nodded, accepting the temporary arrangement.
Asa gently stroked Hajime's head once more, a fleeting tenderness, and kissed him good night. "Should I leave the light on?"
"It's all right. I don't like sleeping with the light on," Hajime said, already accustomed to the dark.
Asa smiled, a faint flicker of sadness in his eyes, turned off the light, and walked upstairs.
After a while, the muffled voices of Asa and Ichika drifted down to the living room. Hajime listened, his small body tensing.
"Are you really planning to let him stay here?" Ichika's voice, sharp and cold, cut through the quiet.
"He is my son, and I will not abandon him," Asa replied, his voice firm, resolute.
"You know why your ex-wife decided to let your son live with us," Ichika retorted, her voice dripping with venom. "She wanted to be able to come and see you and involve herself in our family activities, claiming she did it for her son, and we clearly know that's not true. She left Hajime in your care for three years, then comes back and wants to live with you again. Sorry, I can't let your ex-wife into my family life. I won't let her bad habits affect my kids... I know it's hard for you, but now is your time to make a decision."
"What do you want me to do?" Asa's voice was low, strained.
"Give up your parental rights and stop contacting them. This is the only way to get rid of your ex-wife," Ichika declared, her voice unforgiving.
"I can't just abandon Hajime like this... he is my son," Asa argued, a desperate plea in his tone.
"You have one at home and another one is on the way," Ichika stated, her voice devoid of sympathy, referring to Danno and her unborn child.
"Let's talk about it later," Asa said, his voice fading.
"You are always like this!" Ichika exploded, her fury audibles even through the floorboards. She got out of bed and stormed into her son's bedroom, leaving Asa to sleep on the bed alone.
The next morning, it was almost noon when Asa finally woke up. He found Ichika and Danno gone, their absence a silent accusation. He went downstairs, his heart heavy, and found Hajime sitting quietly on the porch outside. He walked into the kitchen to make lunch, pulling out his mobile phone to call Ichika, but she didn't answer. He knew Ichika must have been furious about what had happened last night.
Asa walked into the living room, forcing a cheerful smile. "Hajime-kun…"
Hajime turned around, his eyes meeting Asa's strained smile.
"Hajime-kun, it's time for lunch," Asa said, bending down to hug Hajime tightly in his arms. "Wow... you need to eat more. You're so skinny. You're lighter than your brother." He placed Hajime gently on the chair opposite him at the table. "Let's eat… Thanks for the food." He smiled again, a forced cheerfulness that didn't quite reach his eyes.
Hajime picked up his chopsticks, his gaze fixed on Asa. He finally spoke, his voice quiet. "Papa… can you take me to my mother's house after lunch?"
Asa smiled, a flicker of pain in his eyes. "You can stay here. I'll call your mother."
Hajime knew it was a lie, a postponement of the inevitable. "I prefer to stay with my mother," Hajime lied, the words tasting bitter. In truth, he desperately wanted to stay here with his father. He missed his father terribly, a deep ache in his young heart, but he knew that if he stayed, he would only ruin his father's fragile "good life" with his new family. He added, the lie hardening, "When Mama comes home drunk, no one takes care of her."
Hearing Hajime's words, Asa's heart shattered. The truth of Aimi's neglect, confirmed by his own son, was agonizing. "Let's go meet your mother first and see what she wants," he said, forcing another smile, a desperate attempt to appear calm.
When they arrived at the small, old apartment building, Hajime sat patiently outside the entrance, while Asa walked into the house to talk to Aimi. Hajime could hear his parents arguing inside, their voices sharp and angry, even through thin walls.
Where he currently lived, the town felt relatively safe. Although the apartment building looked a bit dilapidated, it was a small and generally safe area for a child to be out alone. So, he decided to sit on the doorstep and wait for his father and mother to "figure things out." He didn't want to hear what his mother had to say to his father, and he certainly didn't want to hear what his father had to say to his mother. He tried desperately to turn his attention elsewhere, to the chirping birds, to the passing clouds, but the furious voices from the apartment still drew his attention back to their heated conversation.
Asa's voice, laced with anger, rose. "You said you would take care of him! Why did you send him to my house suddenly?!"
Aimi's scream ripped through the air. "He's your fucking son too! If you can take care of that bitch's son, then you can take care of Hajime! Why do I have to put up with Hajime all by myself?!"
"You need to stop drinking and be a mother to your son!" Asa shouted back, his voice raw. "Don't leave him again, you'll leave him with a scar!"
Aimi roared, her voice shrills with rage. "Whose fault, is it?! You're the one who cheated with that bitch and left us behind! If you hadn't cheated, this wouldn't have happened to our perfect family!" She grabbed a tissue box from the counter and hurled it at Asa. "If anyone left a scar on Hajime, then that person is you!"
Sitting outside the room, Hajime covered his ears, his small body trembling. He whispered, tears welling in his eyes, "Stop... please stop." He closed his eyes tightly, wishing himself away. "Leave me alone… please stop it."
Asa suddenly yelled, his voice cold with fury. "Perfect family? Who are you trying to fool, huh?! Don't blame me or Hajime for your problems. You are your own problems! It's you!" He pointed his finger accusingly at Aimi. "It's you who left us behind, because you can't leave your single life behind! It's you who partied every night and didn't fulfill your duty as a wife and mother! Don't blame me for cheating!"
Asa turned, about to leave, when Aimi grabbed his shirt, her grip tight. "You can't go! I haven't finished talking yet!" she roared.
Asa violently pushed Aimi away from him, his face contorted in disgust. "I'm done with you. Don't come to my house again!"
As Asa slammed the door in front of Aimi, the sound echoing through the small apartment, Aimi lost all control. She began screaming hysterically, smashing anything she could get her hands on, glass shattering, furniture crashing.
Asa, turning to leave, saw Hajime sitting silently on the doorstep, his small frame hunched. He bent down, sitting beside his son, his voice softening, but still tinged with a devastating finality. "If your mother yells at you, don't talk back. Be good and take good care of her. Remember to study hard. Call me if you need anything, okay?"
Hajime nodded, unable to speak.
Asa took out all the cash in his wallet, a paltry sum, and handed it to Hajime. He forced a smile, a mask of false reassurance. "Wait until your mother calms down before going in."
Hajime nodded again, his eyes wide, absorbing every word.
Asa looked at his innocent son, his heart truly aching, bleeding for the decision he was about to make. But he had to leave Hajime behind, for the sake of his other son and his new wife. He kissed Hajime's forehead, a quick, painful farewell. "Papa will come to see you when I'm not busy," Asa said, the empty promise hanging in the air. He stood up and walked slowly down the stairs, each step a further separation.
Hajime watched Asa walk down the stairs, step by agonizing step. His heart screamed, a silent, desperate plea: 'Papa, please don't leave me... Papa, please don't leave me… please take me with you… I promise I will be a good boy… I will not cause trouble for you… Papa… please don't leave me!'
Asa reached the bottom of the stairs, turned, and looked up at Hajime one last time. He offered a weak smile and waved, a final, hollow gesture of departure.
Hajime was still standing frozen in the stairwell when the door of his mother's apartment suddenly slammed open. Aimi, her face contorted with rage, walked quickly to Hajime's side. "Where's your bastard father?!" she screamed, her voice raw.
"Papa has already left," Hajime said, his voice barely a whisper.
Aimi's hand shot out, slapping Hajime hard across the face, the sting of the blow adding to the internal pain. She yelled at him, her words like poison. "You worthless piece of shit… you can't even make your father stay! How worthless?!" She dragged Hajime inside the apartment and slammed the door shut. She continued to curse, her voice a relentless torrent of hatred. "How do you look so much like your bastard father?! I hate you; I hate him. I hate you... I hate you!"
She dragged Hajime into the bathroom, the cold tile a stark contrast to his mother's burning rage. The icy water from the showerhead instantly drenched him, a cruel assault as she continued screaming at him, her voice a relentless torrent of how much she hated him.
"Mama, stop it," Hajime cried, his voice breaking, small and desperate against the roaring water. "Please stop, the water is cold…"
Aimi continued to spray Hajime with the cold water in the shower for about thirty agonizing minutes. Then, when she looked at Hajime's small, trembling body dangling limply in the corner of the bathroom, she finally regained a terrifying semblance of control. She put down the shower head, a flicker of something akin to self-loathing crossing her face. She felt profoundly wrong for what she had done. When she had her "blackout episodes," she truly hated herself for the monstrous things she did when her inner demon woke up.
"I… I… I need to take my medicine," she mumbled blankly, turning off the water, and then walked out of the bathroom, leaving Hajime shivering, alone, in the cold, damp silence.
Hajime sat huddled in the bathtub, his entire body soaked and freezing. He could still hear Aimi's muffled curses, directed at Asa and Ichika. He hugged his knees tightly, burying his face in them, and wept softly, the only sound in the empty, cold bathroom.